Ofc no one wants your christmas cards who the fuck do you think you are no one gives a shit fuck off
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@blank-tht
Ofc no one wants your christmas cards who the fuck do you think you are no one gives a shit fuck off
idk who i am
They don't give a fuck about me
Getting bad again. Leaving to ny soon. Scared.
Feeling better and worse at the same time
Feeling like no one really likes me I'm boring They all like my sister better She's fun. She's cool I'm so fucking boring No one cares about me I'm not mysterious I'm an antisocial asshole who takes her friends for granted No wonder they prefer her I'm third-rate no good no fun hard to talk to I don't deserve them They're all better than me Better off without me I shouldn't burden them with my company No one wants it I should drop off the face of the earth It would benefit everyone
It's getting bad again. Feels like no one wants me. Feels like I'm useless. Waste of space. The usual. Feel inferior/insignificant. No one asks for details about my problems. They don't care. Why should they. I'm such a fuckup. Seeing myself in third person. Overdramatic. Pretentious. I hate what I see. I'm a self-pitying fucking asshole. Why the fuck can't I be right. Why can't I be good. Fuck me.
I can smile and laugh like everything's fine while I'm distracted by entertainment and company but when I'm alone in bed at the end of the day that empty feeling always comes back.
I'm not supposed to be here We're not supposed to be here We are a disease to the earth It's better off without us I shouldn't be here but There's nothing i can do I can't do anything about it I'm killing the earth and all things good just by existing and i can't fix it I don't know what to do I shouldn't be here I don't deserve to be here
About the friend: Feeling's subsided. Less jealous. A little more secure. Talked to her last night - she made a present for me. I'm so pathetic.
Mom's in the ER. 2nd time this summer. Not doing any good for the recent feelings of dread. Really don't wanna be here. Hungry and very anxious. I want to hide. I want to sleep. I want to go home.
Ever since I got back from my trip Iāve felt like the world was ending.
I feel like shit. I canāt be productive. Iām on a somewhat regular sleep schedule but Iām tired all the time. People around me are dying (relatives of people on tumblr/friends). I feel like my time is running out. Like I have nothing more to do here. I feel like a failure. A failure thatās being recalled and replaced by someone better. Iām a fucking waste of space. I shouldnāt be here. Iām a mistake. My time is up and what have I done with it. Jack shit. What a fucking moron. Useless piece of shit. I shouldnāt be here.
I feel worse tonight than before. I have a friend on tumblr. Sheās not very open but weāve become close in a way. She knows more about me than I do her. I think I care more for her than she does me. She says she cares. I believe her. She stayed up with me when I needed someone. Still. I care for her a lot. She has a boyfriend. I think she cares about him more than anyone. It makes sense. Itās how it should be. But I find myself jealous. I envy her affection for him. They seem to know a lot about each other. They spend a lot of time together. He probably knows more about her than I do. It should be fine. This is how it should be. But it hurts to think of it. Iām an awful person for it. I shouldnāt expect so much of her. She has no obligation to care as much as I do. I shouldnāt even care this much. I donāt know why I do. And I canāt go to her with this problem. It wouldnāt be fair. I should just be happy with the time I get. I shouldnāt be so greedy. So needy. So fucking needy. I hate being needy. I hate when someone needs me. Iām such a fucking hypocrite.
But I donāt know what to do. I just want to love someone. I want them to love me equally in return. I donāt know what to do.
I feel like iām dying.
Nothing feels worth it.
Whatās the point
Can I lie down until I die
familyās over for a cookout
watching a bad scary movie but not rly paying attention
grandmaās being obnoxious but not too bad, or at least everyoneās handling it well
made a decent joke and made my cousin laugh
but I just feel detached from everything. I donāt feel like I belong here, or that anyone wants me here, at least not as I am
they want me to open up and talk more. they donāt want me the way I am
they donāt want me to leave, either.
āyouāll miss ___āĀ āyou can make friends hereāĀ ājobs pay more hereā
then they sayĀ āitās your decisionā
it doesnāt feel like it
why do they have to try and change my mind
why canāt they just support me
why do I have to defend my every decision
as if I even get that chance
I shouldnāt have started this post. I was in a decent mood. Now Iām just tired.
I want to be able to curl up on the couch, be quiet, and have someone come over and sit silently with me. Some affection without an added joke or comment. No expectation or need to make conversation. Thatās all I want.
I just really feel like my thoughts and feelings don't matter. I have to be a useful member of society but I don't know how and it scares me. Iām afraid of failure and humiliation to the point where I canāt act. Iāve been at a standstill for an entire year. A year of my life that I have nothing to show for other than the small achievements that make me happy: new friends, new music (wow, it really boils down to just two).
But my feelings donāt matter. The moment I go to reach out to someone, I know theyāll tell me, āIt is scary, but you have to do it. You can do it. Youāll get used to it. Just try.ā Itās just not that easy. I canāt see myself succeeding at all. Iām not capable of much. Iām not responsible. I canāt drive. Iām forgetful. Iām slow. I have poor social skills. I have little motivation. Iām useless.
This got off track.
My feelings donāt matter. No one actually cares about how Iām feeling. They just want me to grow up. Pay bills. Drive. Be responsible. I know itās all necessary. I know I need to do it. I just wish someone would tell me itās okay to feel this way. I want them to say theyāll be there for me. And I donāt want it from a stranger, nor do I want to have to ask for it. I donāt want to be looked at like Iām a problem to be fixed. I want some fucking sympathy.
I just really want someone to give to me what I try to give everyone else.
I try to be the person you can lean on - the one who you know will always be there to be whatever you need. I try to do that for anyone who wants it. I give myself to others so easily but no one does it for me. No one ever reaches out to me. No one ever checks in to ask how Iām doing.
Iām a fucking liar and I only remember whatās convenient for me. Iām such a self-pitying asshole. Thereās one person whoās been there ever since I met him and I never reach out. Iām such a fucking hypocrite. Iām disgusted with myself.
I guess Iām upset with the people I reach out to. Heās never asked me for anything, heās never leaned on me. It must be that I want those who Iāve helped to return the favor. How fucking pathetic. How can you expect that of those people? How can you expect those who need someone to lean on to turn around and carry your weight, too? Fucking asshole. Get over yourself.