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Solely for complaining.

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Ofc no one wants your christmas cards who the fuck do you think you are no one gives a shit fuck off

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idk who i am

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They don't give a fuck about me

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Getting bad again. Leaving to ny soon. Scared.

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Feeling better and worse at the same time

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Feeling like no one really likes me I'm boring They all like my sister better She's fun. She's cool I'm so fucking boring No one cares about me I'm not mysterious I'm an antisocial asshole who takes her friends for granted No wonder they prefer her I'm third-rate no good no fun hard to talk to I don't deserve them They're all better than me Better off without me I shouldn't burden them with my company No one wants it I should drop off the face of the earth It would benefit everyone

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It's getting bad again. Feels like no one wants me. Feels like I'm useless. Waste of space. The usual. Feel inferior/insignificant. No one asks for details about my problems. They don't care. Why should they. I'm such a fuckup. Seeing myself in third person. Overdramatic. Pretentious. I hate what I see. I'm a self-pitying fucking asshole. Why the fuck can't I be right. Why can't I be good. Fuck me.

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I can smile and laugh like everything's fine while I'm distracted by entertainment and company but when I'm alone in bed at the end of the day that empty feeling always comes back.

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I'm not supposed to be here We're not supposed to be here We are a disease to the earth It's better off without us I shouldn't be here but There's nothing i can do I can't do anything about it I'm killing the earth and all things good just by existing and i can't fix it I don't know what to do I shouldn't be here I don't deserve to be here

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About the friend: Feeling's subsided. Less jealous. A little more secure. Talked to her last night - she made a present for me. I'm so pathetic.

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Mom's in the ER. 2nd time this summer. Not doing any good for the recent feelings of dread. Really don't wanna be here. Hungry and very anxious. I want to hide. I want to sleep. I want to go home.

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Ever since I got back from my trip I’ve felt like the world was ending.

I feel like shit. I can’t be productive. I’m on a somewhat regular sleep schedule but I’m tired all the time. People around me are dying (relatives of people on tumblr/friends). I feel like my time is running out. Like I have nothing more to do here. I feel like a failure. A failure that’s being recalled and replaced by someone better. I’m a fucking waste of space. I shouldn’t be here. I’m a mistake. My time is up and what have I done with it. Jack shit. What a fucking moron. Useless piece of shit. I shouldn’t be here.

I feel worse tonight than before. I have a friend on tumblr. She’s not very open but we’ve become close in a way. She knows more about me than I do her. I think I care more for her than she does me. She says she cares. I believe her. She stayed up with me when I needed someone. Still. I care for her a lot. She has a boyfriend. I think she cares about him more than anyone. It makes sense. It’s how it should be. But I find myself jealous. I envy her affection for him. They seem to know a lot about each other. They spend a lot of time together. He probably knows more about her than I do. It should be fine. This is how it should be. But it hurts to think of it. I’m an awful person for it. I shouldn’t expect so much of her. She has no obligation to care as much as I do. I shouldn’t even care this much. I don’t know why I do. And I can’t go to her with this problem. It wouldn’t be fair. I should just be happy with the time I get. I shouldn’t be so greedy. So needy. So fucking needy. I hate being needy. I hate when someone needs me. I’m such a fucking hypocrite.

But I don’t know what to do. I just want to love someone. I want them to love me equally in return. I don’t know what to do.

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I feel like i’m dying.

Nothing feels worth it.

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What’s the point

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Can I lie down until I die

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family’s over for a cookout

watching a bad scary movie but not rly paying attention

grandma’s being obnoxious but not too bad, or at least everyone’s handling it well

made a decent joke and made my cousin laugh

but I just feel detached from everything. I don’t feel like I belong here, or that anyone wants me here, at least not as I am

they want me to open up and talk more. they don’t want me the way I am

they don’t want me to leave, either.

“you’ll miss ___” “you can make friends here” “jobs pay more here”

then they say “it’s your decision”

it doesn’t feel like it

why do they have to try and change my mind

why can’t they just support me

why do I have to defend my every decision

as if I even get that chance

I shouldn’t have started this post. I was in a decent mood. Now I’m just tired.

I want to be able to curl up on the couch, be quiet, and have someone come over and sit silently with me. Some affection without an added joke or comment. No expectation or need to make conversation. That’s all I want.

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I just really feel like my thoughts and feelings don't matter. I have to be a useful member of society but I don't know how and it scares me. I’m afraid of failure and humiliation to the point where I can’t act. I’ve been at a standstill for an entire year. A year of my life that I have nothing to show for other than the small achievements that make me happy: new friends, new music (wow, it really boils down to just two).

But my feelings don’t matter. The moment I go to reach out to someone, I know they’ll tell me, “It is scary, but you have to do it. You can do it. You’ll get used to it. Just try.” It’s just not that easy. I can’t see myself succeeding at all. I’m not capable of much. I’m not responsible. I can’t drive. I’m forgetful. I’m slow. I have poor social skills. I have little motivation. I’m useless.

This got off track.

My feelings don’t matter. No one actually cares about how I’m feeling. They just want me to grow up. Pay bills. Drive. Be responsible. I know it’s all necessary. I know I need to do it. I just wish someone would tell me it’s okay to feel this way. I want them to say they’ll be there for me. And I don’t want it from a stranger, nor do I want to have to ask for it. I don’t want to be looked at like I’m a problem to be fixed. I want some fucking sympathy.

I just really want someone to give to me what I try to give everyone else.

I try to be the person you can lean on - the one who you know will always be there to be whatever you need. I try to do that for anyone who wants it. I give myself to others so easily but no one does it for me. No one ever reaches out to me. No one ever checks in to ask how I’m doing.

I’m a fucking liar and I only remember what’s convenient for me. I’m such a self-pitying asshole. There’s one person who’s been there ever since I met him and I never reach out. I’m such a fucking hypocrite. I’m disgusted with myself.

I guess I’m upset with the people I reach out to. He’s never asked me for anything, he’s never leaned on me. It must be that I want those who I’ve helped to return the favor. How fucking pathetic. How can you expect that of those people? How can you expect those who need someone to lean on to turn around and carry your weight, too? Fucking asshole. Get over yourself.