Drawn Out Like The Finest Wine
Greetings, minions! You have all to thank @absolutely-existing of the Tumblr realm for exposing your lamentable ignorance regarding the delicate intricacies of time management- specifically, deadlines. Yes, those quaint little markers of time that the uninitiated believe dictate the rhythm of productivity. And so once again it falls to me, Lord Morgarath of the Mountains of Rain and Night, to drag you from the depths of your chronic incompetence, this time to illuminate the benighted path of meeting deadlines. Though your grasp of timeliness is doubtlessly as weak as your grasp of basic decency, fret not; with my impeccable counsel, you shall learn to achieve the most staggering feats of punctuality… or at least, appear to.
First, I shall make myself perfectly clear: deadlines are optional. A deadline, I have observed, is nothing more than a curious invention of lesser minds, designed to impose order upon chaos and ensure that even the most incompetent of fools might, at some point, accomplish something vaguely resembling work. Alas, one must often adhere to these banalities for the sake of one’s fragile career or reputation. Thus, the first step to mastering the art of deadlines is to give the illusion that you care. Nod sagely when others speak of ‘deadlines’, and make use of such words as ‘commitment’ and ‘diligence’ with such gravitas that anyone witnessing your performance might mistake your empty words for genuine concern.
Next, you must devise a schedule of such breathtaking complexity that even a seer would find it impenetrable. Populate it with grandiose time markers for tasks of questionable importance that you might never actually finish. The more elaborate and impossible your schedule appears, the more likely it is that your superiors will be dazzled by your apparent dedication, even if you fail to complete any of these undertakings altogether.
Many will tell you to stay focused and chip away at your venture in manageable increments, but such advice is dreadfully mundane and will never lead to greatness. True brilliance is often born in the crucible of panic. Procrastination is to be savored, drawn out like the finest wine! The objective is not just to delay, but to do so with such meticulous flair that even the most discerning observers will praise your industriousness. Use this time to contemplate the mysteries of existence or the baffling incompetence of those around you. Remember, you are not wasting time; you are gathering momentum.
And then, there’s the final step: deliver minimum effort with maximum flourish. Present your work as though you have just descended from a mountaintop with scrolls of divinity. It may be a paragon of misconstruction, it may be riddled with mistakes, but if you believe in it enough, if you perform it, you will be applauded. Lesser mortals like yourself and yours have a way of being dazzled by what they do not understand.
So there you have it, my dear underlings. Meeting deadlines isn’t about actually meeting them; it’s about bending the world to your will. Follow these steps faithfully, and you too can appear competent in the eyes of those who simply don't know any better- either triumphantly on time or excused from the necessity of punctuality altogether.
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