As Permanent As My Disdain
Greetings, riffraff! Yes, yes, it is I, Lord Morgarath of the Mountains of Rain and Night, responding once more to the endless clamoring from the vast and questionable Tumblr realm, this time to bestow upon you a guide to dyeing your hair. Truly, what thrilling ambitions you have! But while my own locks cascade like moonlight over shadow with a splendor that could never be achieved through mortal artifice, I shall lower myself- temporarily, mind you- to guide you through this pitiable ritual.
Now then. First, in selecting a shade, you must consider what statement you wish to make with it. Do you long to embody the darkness? Black. Seek to appear rebellious? Red. Perhaps you aspire to resemble an ethereal forest spirit? Green. This choice will haunt you longer than your attention span usually allows, so… choose wisely, or as wisely as you can.
If you expect results worthy of royalty, you must prepare to work for them. Gather your supplies: dye, gloves (yes, even you, dirt-streaked peasant- your hands needn’t resemble a tanner’s), and old cloths that you are willing to sacrifice. Unless, of course, you prefer to turn every surface in your hovel into a permanent reminder of your idiocy. Should your chosen shade be lighter than your current one, you’ll first need to apply a concoction best described as the chemical equivalent of razing a village to the ground.
If you survive this ordeal and your hair remains on your head- more’s the pity- onto the dyeing. Drape your cloth about your shoulders like a warrior donning his armor. Section your hair with what little precision you can muster and apply the dye, starting at the roots. Saturate each section fully if you do not wish to resemble a mottled barn animal. Yes, this will be tedious, but victory is not for the lazy.
Now you must wait. As the dye sets, resist the urge to touch it, adjust it, or panic. Sit in silence and contemplate your own foolishness. You may feel tingling or burning- those are your own poor decisions catching up to you. Wipe away any stray dye from your skin if you wish to avoid walking around looking like a plague victim for the next week.
When the time comes to rinse, do so thoroughly. Keep going until the water runs clear. Once done, condition your hair liberally- this is no time to skimp. You would not like your hair to resemble luridly-hued straw, now would you? Pat it dry with as much delicacy as you can muster, as if handling the frayed threads of your dignity, and behold: you look different yet remain precisely as moronic as ever.
And there you have it, peasants. Your new, magnificent color has either transformed you into a formidable figure or an absolute buffoon. If it’s the latter, remember: you did this to yourself. May your newfound color be as permanent as my disdain.
