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DEAR READER
Claire Keane
Cosmic Funnies

Love Begins

pixel skylines

★
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her

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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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todays bird
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
trying on a metaphor
noise dept.

祝日 / Permanent Vacation

Discoholic 🪩
Keni
we're not kids anymore.

Kaledo Art
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me

seen from Germany
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seen from Germany
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seen from Malaysia
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@bleedingheartbeat
☆ fp vent blog ☆ spotify ☆ pinterest ☆ letterboxd ☆
in a perpetual state of pissed off
I think you’re all so smart and doing your best and I suspect it will work out in your favor too
One day I’ll be able to eat without having a war in my head
Why do they even make apps for ADHD. You want me to use my 24/7 handheld immediate distraction device? To manage my 'gets distracted too easily' disorder? Ooooh we developed the perfect tool for managing your anemia. Its hosted in Dracula's castle. 👍
Been wondering why i’m starting to hate one of my friends, but then I realized it’s probably because she keeps crossing my boundaries and belittling me every single time we hang out. Don’t know what to say or do about it, so I kinda just let her.
I wish things could be normal again between my ex best friend and I. I miss them so much. But I’m pretty sure they still don’t like me and I imagine their resentment for me probably clouds their perception of my entire existence now. Which is partially fair because I was a bad friend, but also not because just because I was a bad friend doesn’t mean every single thing I do is malicious. But whatever. Nothing I can do about it.
none of my friends know how sick i truly am anymore. i have no friends who know how deeply my mental health issues run. how much i hate my reflection. how obsessive i can be. no one who knows how badly i’m struggling. and in a way, it feels nice to be able to be mentally ill in peace, but sometimes i miss having someone to talk to. someone to call when i relapse. someone to encourage me not to be this way anymore. my newer friends know that i have body image issues, and they know i sh sometimes, but they think it’s mostly past stuff and they have no idea how bad it actually was. it’s just so hard to be around them when i have to pretend i’m more normal than i am all the time.
Jean-Paul Sartre, from a play featured in "No Exit and Three Other Plays," originally published in 1944
i just want to be thin.
there’s nothing i’ve wanted more than that.
I feel like you stalk my page sometimes. So if you’re seeing this, I have some things I would like to say to you.
To start off, I feel like you only ever saw the bad in me—and I think you probably still see me that way. It’s strange how much resentment can cloud your entire view of someone. It must be so easy to hate someone when you make note of every single flaw and mistake, whether big or small.
I’m not suffering without you like I thought I’d be, but I must admit, I still wish you would come back around. As much as you seem to be convinced that i’m a stupid, self-centered bitch who never actually cared about you, I think I loved you more than anyone else in the world. And the truth of the matter is, I love you still. I don’t think that will ever change.
I will admit that I was not kind to you. I’ll admit that I hurt you. I’ll admit that i’ve lied. I’ll admit that I was selfish at times. That I was inconsiderate and immature. That I was sometimes quick to react with anger and defensiveness, even when you didn’t deserve it. I’ll admit that I sometimes handled things poorly, even when my intentions were far from malicious. I will also admit that I can understand why you interpreted some of my actions the way that you did, even if I truly did not mean them how you took them. And i’ll admit that i’ve only realized some of that in retrospect. But I did love you. And I was trying a lot harder than I feel you ever gave me credit for. And i’ll admit that it was hard to feel sorry when it seemed like you truly believed I was the only one who ever did anything wrong. Like every single problem we had was always my fault. But i’m sorry now, even though I still kinda wish you would try to consider my side of things too. Wanting you to recognize my pain doesn’t take away from my ability to recognize my own faults.
I want you to know that I miss you. I feel like you’ll probably be pleased to know that you hurt me by leaving. Maybe i’m wrong, but I highly doubt you wish anything good for me. I’m almost sure you’re probably hoping that I hurt. That’s how you always were with all the other friends you cut off. But I’ll admit that I do hope I mattered more to you than they did. That you have a harder time wishing me the worst—even if it’s only by a little.
I also want you to know that I am truly sorry for any pain I caused you and that I really never meant to hurt you. Despite the view you seem to have of me, causing you pain was never something I wanted to do. I wish I could apologize to you directly, but I don’t think you’d genuinely accept anything like that from me. Even if you’d be kind to me on the surface, I know you’re not typically one to forgive.
Speaking to you became hard because I felt like no matter what I said, you found some kind of issue with it. I think that’s another reason I feel like I can’t apologize to you directly. I feel like nothing I could say would ever be enough for you. It hurts to know that, though. I would do anything for you to forgive me. There’s so much I’d do differently with you if I was given the chance.
I know that this is a mess, but if you see this, I want you to know that I love you. Still. And i’m sorry. And if reading this made you feel anything other than anger, I would love to hear your voice again sometime.
If you really do see this, you should let me know you did.
i wish i was a “love me loudly or don’t love me at all” person but i was cursed with abandonment issues so im a “love me however terribly and abusively you want just don’t leave me” person
people who dont experience it cannot comprehend how awful executive dysfunction is. I WANT to do the task, i have the resources TO do the task, i will feel better having DONE the task
but i cant fucking do the task