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Before 4am

"Most of our relationships are built upon negotiation. I will show you this side of me if you show me that side of you. I will open up if yo

She's writing about conscious co creation in love and partnership again

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I've tried asking men out first before but it doesnt go in the direction of a date and they give out excuses and I worry he'll think me too forward or eager or worse

Ok so what? Move onto to the next man then, but you still have to ask. We don’t have time for this. Not me, and not you either.

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Just read your piece on substack “before 4am”. I feel you’ve articulated such an important thing. I feel understood and I enjoy hearing about your experiences!! True playful connection is possible and I’m happy to share this view with another person

gorgeous, I love it. I’ve been off my substack game after that piece. It needed a 4 month moment of silence.

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You spoke about stripping romance of it's mastery and ambiguity as a bad thing, let me ask you a question. Would you keep a connection with someone for way past half a year when the ambiguity is still there? it's apparent you both have feelings but any (very rare) conversation about an actual relationship ends with more questions than Answers. Would that be something you'd keep pursuing and see the romance in it or would you count it as a waste of time at that point?

Ambiguous doesn’t mean dishonest. You can be so so open and honest and still have a sense of mystery as to how it will unfold. Is it ambiguous or is there just dishonesty? Only you can answer that. Next

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what are your favourite animals Adira?

I love animals with attitudes

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Let's all Get Bald and Play with Our Synthesisers #BrianEnoSummer

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if you need more anon book recs — I’d absolutely love to hear your thoughts on solenoid by mircea cartarescu

my library had it without a wait, gonna start it tonight queen

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Im a different anon but you’ve answered me multiple times and in a way it felt weird to have a dialogue with you that only i was aware of since i was “anonymous” but then i thought, maybe its okay this way too. Once you even said something like “damn my anons really come to me with such good takes sometimes” right after answering and referencing mine and it made me feel better that it wasnt too one sided and i did give something from myself that mattered. (As for you, reading your words and sometimes engaging with them kept nudging my perspective when i needed it most but ever so softly. Maybe one day ill say it better because i think you deserve to know how your presence is received and appreciated here for now just sending a thank you and a kiss on the cheek your way, i think you are a beautiful human, take care of yourself)

I like that you point out the inherent one sided nature of anonymity, but the one sidedness is something that I am more in control of removing than the anonymous person. for example when I do compliment or reference something you said. That’s what I love about the anon function, it can really create an environment for fascinating dialogue that removes all pre conceived notions of identity. I don’t know your gender, your sexuality, your race, your opinions. It’s awesome, I’m glad you have made the effort to communicate with me in this strange time and place. Kisses!!

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What are some things that help you feel grounded and safe?

Asking myself what is the smallest next step I can take. You can’t look at the bigger picture if you haven’t first assessed the details.

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Have you read The Rings of Saturn by W. G. Sebald? It sounds like the kind of book you’d like (all-encompassing, inquisitive, weaves the thread of connection between seemingly random events, ponders on mutability)

This has been on my list forever. Lately I’m really leaning on my anon to give me book recommendations because I’m in a slump. Ill take this as a sign 🤞

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Hello dear wise soul, may I have some advice for navigating trying to go on dates with more than one man? As in, I have men on the dating apps very interested in me but I am so painfully monogamous that it feels difficult to try to get to know these kind men that want to meet up for a coffee. I know this is the normal dating process of trying to know people before committing to a good one but it fills me with guilt trying to meet them all.

When I began to see and experience dating as just socializing all of the over thinking stopped. I’m just meeting a friend for coffee. When you actually like someone enough to see them 2-3x/week then you can simply pause your app and let men know you have met someone but you are open to remaining in contact if it doesn’t work out.

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everything becomes conceptual to me, even anger becomes conceptual and my natural thoughts flow to the question “how can I improve the overall system” and then the anger just becomes a tool for said improvement.

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Why is andreablog2 lowkey your evil twin

ahahaha is she? i don’t follow her but maybe i should

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I love you. How do I break free from the validation loop with men?

By first breaking out of your validation loop with me apparently. You put yourself in the validation loop by always justifying, calculating, expecting. You break free by finding a sense of self that is immaterial, fluid, not sourced from the gaze of others. That way when you inevitably show up for that gaze, as humans always do, you are operating from a self assured place.

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You're fabulous adira

🐥

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when people ask me how I feel lately

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I’m not sure if this resonates with you but if it does, how do you reconcile having a sort of incomprehensible narrative? I feel like I’ve been so many different people and held so many (often wrong) worldviews and perspectives. I’ve hurt others and been strange and weird and I feel like most of my life has been operated in various fugue stages and it just leaves me feeling deeply alienated and unstable. I’m not really sure how to move forward anymore.

I remember years ago when I had finished 2 years of EMDR therapy I felt so disassociated from myself because there was almost a night and day difference in the person I was compared to the person I had become. it took time to settle into my new way of seeing the world and merge all of my selves together.

I wrote about this on substack somewhere, that we as humans are like the eye of an insect. Our psychological nature is to be fractured into many pieces but we are made whole by one body, one self. and the key here is to view the world from the whole self, while honoring the fractured selves. I used to see my life as chapters, I think a lot of people do and I think that is unhelpful. I feel really whole these days, and it only grows. I am full to the brim of myself, my entire selves.

I think sometimes these fugue states come from a wider conscious awareness of our own finitude. you are concerned about the times in which you have held "wrong" world views because some deeper part of you feels that you are running out of time and to correct the past is a way to feel In control of the future. theres something profound to that, but it is also useful to not look at past versions of you as wrong, but maybe instead just not as capable to hold as much. for example, younger versions of me were less capable of holding this much love and I often pushed people away and hurt people because of my own inability to carry the weight of all that love. I don't need to make up for that in my present moment. I just focus on what feels good. and sometimes isolating is simply what feels good.

there is little use in looking back and feeling embarrassed. you, like me and everyone else, take your entire life to learn to be a good friend and partner and child and human. this sounds trite but if you socialize on a wider scale you kind of realize everyone is weird and strange and has "wrong" views, but they are loved anyways. more importantly you need to be around people who delight in you, and who you delight in. when you feel that reciprocity with friends, this blind childlike "I am enjoying you and you are enjoying me" it is nearly impossible to disassociate or even care about your past self and views. its a balm to the soul to have stupid silly fun.