“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
~ Brené Brown, writer, researcher and educator
Way back in summer 2009, you’d have been forgiven for thinking I had it all: 30 years old and Co-Director of a UK-based Community Interest Company specialising in creativity and educational change. I was surrounded by mostly inspiring and well-meaning people; together, we aimed to make a difference to young people’s lives in particular. All good stuff, and experience I continue to be grateful for to this day, but – you just knew there was going to be a but, didn’t you? – I began to grow sick.
Amidst all the positive and exciting daily developments, I felt a chronic ache of stress attached to what we were doing. I pretended it was because of the communities in conflict we regularly encountered, which included engaging with risk- and change-averse people as they clung to the ‘devil-they-knew’ (even though they suffered by doing so). I convinced myself this was part of the deal; you’re likely to encounter some resistance when you aim to change a deep-rooted paradigm, right? What’s important is how you listen, negotiate and hopefully move forward inspired. Our company was supposed to be expert in creatively managing change. Yet, I began to notice intolerant attitudes and stifling procedures appearing within our own company’s working environment, too. Contrary to the values of creativity, innovation, equality and partnership that we’d built the organisation upon. This observation was unsettling and bothered me a lot, it bothered me more than the rest of the challenges put together because I began to question my integrity. That chronic ache of stress was in fact because I was too far removed from my authentic self.
At the time, I hadn’t been exposed all that much to the wealth of information out there regarding health and the mind-body connection. How our bodies and emotions oftentimes reflect back to us (through some kind of disharmony or imbalance) that which needs reviewing and addressing in our lives, such as subconscious, self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviours. Especially if we happen to be ignorant of the many techniques available that assist in communing with inner (soul) wisdom and intuition. Many people who have suffered a great trauma or serious illness and survived it have been known to say how grateful they are, in hindsight, for the awakening consciousness, deep healing and change that ultimately resulted in their lives. You may have come across the phrase dark night of the soul to describe such an experience. I have deep respect for our amazing capacity to encompass vulnerability, resilience, courage, strength, creativity and growth in the face of adversity. However, in my case and in the absence of knowing any better, I pumped my body with antibiotics to suppress the seemingly random, recurring and painful infections that were trying to get my attention. I put my ill health down to generalised stress, not wanting to investigate the underlying emotions of frustration and anger I was burying. I thought I had little control over what was happening to me and became a master of endurance, instead of enjoyment. It’s important to mention I don’t blame anyone (including myself or the situation) for what I went through during that period. I was doing the best I could with where I was at the time… all is forgiven! I now know it was a perfectly orchestrated wake up call, tailored entirely to me as a catalyst for the change and healing that was to follow. That’s exactly why I found myself there, reacting in the way I was reacting, I had created a reality by choosing to remain the victim of an unbalanced situation against my better judgement. It dawned on me later, that I had been clinging to the ‘devil-I-knew’ and suffering for it…irony! Another person perceiving things differently might have thrived in that environment.
As a result, I began to see life as a perpetual, unfolding, creative birthing process. It can be painful, like labour, when we don’t feel that we have chosen the change e.g. life-threatening illness or accident, a partner leaving us for someone else, our home burning to the ground, natural disasters or death of a loved one. We can feel powerless in the face of such trauma. We may bury our authentic feelings about whatever is happening and assume a position of victimhood, unconsciously perpetuating our suffering. Or we can be the redeemers of our authentic selves, the gentle healers of past and present pain, in order to become peaceful warriors of adventurous lives (whatever that means to you). We can view painful situations as a means to delve deeply within and grieve honestly, then shift perspective to rediscover our power and practise courage, patience, wisdom, innovation, compassion and gratitude, for example. Why? because we have the capacity to do so, and this takes us beyond victimhood.
Sometimes I wonder if adversity is life’s way of giving us the big karmic nudge we might be needing to take a step into the realm of possibility and grow into all we can be? Perhaps we haven’t felt empowered enough to make a conscious change before then. Maybe we’ve been identifying with victimhood and systematically drowning out the call from our authentic selves, which echoes in our heart space? Who knows for sure, I just get the feeling that when we make change happen in our lives by following the wisdom in our hearts, even when the prospect feels daunting, the process of change we choose can be liberating. I believe we are here on this earth to be our authentic selves, to realise we have a choice in who we want to become and how we express ourselves, even during those dark nights of the soul. I believe we are all innately creative, full of love and wisdom that is able to flow freely when we give ourselves permission to tell the truth of who we are.
Therefore, back in the midst of relentless work and sickness, I discovered books upon books designed to lead me back to a state of authenticity and well-being. Plus, I had been brilliantly educated for several years in fantastic research about the creative process. I knew if I wanted to be back in balance and harmony again, I had to ask my heart two very important questions and be brave enough to act on the answers that arose:
What do I love doing that allows me to express my creativity, and makes my heart rise and sing in the process?
Many of you will recognise the first question as a well-known existential koan. There isn’t a correct or incorrect answer to it. Yet, by responding to it, we peel back the layers of what we believe about ourselves. The peeling starts by exposing what we are choosing to identify with in the here and now. When I answered this question back then, I reached the following conclusion: I am a repressed artist. Ultimately, the Who Am I? koan has the ability to strip away ego attachments and lead us back to our very essence, quite simply to: “I am.” However, for the average earth dweller, there will usually be a few extra words completing that sentence. Our honest response reveals what may need to be healed, released, celebrated and/or acted upon. My conclusion (I am a repressed artist), along with my answer to the second question (drawing, painting and writing), gave me the courage to finally hand in my notice as Co-Director. It was time to be brave and take a leap of faith, trust in my heart and honour the message being given to me by my health and those answers. This was the blessing I received through illness and an incongruous work environment.
Of course I am simplifying things a bit here, because it wasn’t just a question of blithely following my bliss. I had to face and embrace the guilt, fear, victim and inner critic that resided in me. I had to get to know my shadow self, the one I’d been rejecting for far too long. I had to lead that poor, neglected character out of the shadows and into the light of my heart and, in doing so, see the truth of the matter. The shadow wasn’t a lurking gremlin intent on subversively causing havoc and torment in my life. It was me. It was my inner child, my innocent, shining soul, whom I’d mummified in veils upon veils of illusion. She was wrapped up tight in a fancy dress costume of misplaced beliefs about her worth for whatever reasons. She was desperate to express her creativity and clueless about her miraculousness. Important point: We are ALL miraculous. We are all here to shine our unique and beautiful light in the ways that only we can, not for acclaim or approval (which is great for the ego’s benefit) but because it makes us deeply happy to do so. Those compelling feelings that call our hearts to action and activate the butterflies in our bellies are the stepping stones to follow. They lead us back to our true selves. When that happens, we are no longer just following bliss, we are becoming our bliss.
During the subsequent years after taking that leap to explore my creativity full-time (which included travelling with my soul mate to Spain while he learnt the art of guitar making), I have continued to grow as an artist. My journey of self-discovery, combined with all those earlier experiences, has taught me something profound. I have learnt that we always have a choice. Even when it seems like we don’t and the road ahead looks bumpy… we have a choice to peel back those veils and respond to life from the heart. Whether we choose to tiptoe in baby steps towards embodying our bliss or take giant leaps, we can’t go wrong because we are moving forward with authenticity. For this to happen in a meaningful way, we have to do that thing that some of us struggle to find time to do: we need to take care of ourselves. Always. We must have compassion and forgiveness for the parts of us we’ve been rejecting. When we trust, nurture and love ourselves gently and fully, it’s possible to hear more and more clearly those whispers emanating from deep within. We must take care of ourselves in whatever ways feel OK, good and healthy, perhaps with an Amazing Perspective Spring Renewal Collection! Because we deserve it. You deserve it.
I founded Bliss Whisperers in honour of one of my personal, inner callings. It is currently an on-line community space that aims to support us in the process of becoming our authentic selves. A caring tribe that prevails in placing kindness and creativity at the heart of being true to ourselves and one another, without causing harm to anybody. I believe our hearts never guide us towards harmful action. Blissful impulses come from a place of unity not separation, alignment not imbalance, peace not conflict. They come from a place of loving and creative wisdom. We each hold a piece of the puzzle via our heartfelt intuitions. We can choose to relinquish fear’s grip on us and channel our bliss whispers, not deny them, by finding ways to do what we love to do. Let’s pledge to take care of ourselves and engage in that which brings us joy and will invariably bring joy to others, too. There is little else more blissful than bringing our unique magic to the tapestry of life. Your light is vital and beautiful to this world we share, always be true to it.
*Guest written by Lauren Sebastian for www.theamazingperspective.com
**Artwork by Lauren Sebastian www.laurensebastian.com
***Gratitude to Juania Owens for the invitation to write this article
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