It was Christmas Eve and I was a little upset because I wasn’t going to be able to fly home to Oakland to spend the holidays with my family. My job was going through a hectic merger and I was basically working through the holidays. As if I wasn’t already stressed, my good-for-nothing ex-boyfriend Gabriel showed up at my place that morning. I hadn’t seen him since earlier in the year when he took his stuff out of my house. We broke up two days after Valentine’s Day because I found out he was cheating. So, when he showed up at my house unexpectedly on Christmas Eve, I was on the verge of punching him in the face.
“What are you doing here, Gabe?” I asked as I stepped outside and pulled my door up behind me.
“It’s cold out here,” he said. “Can we go inside and talk about this?”
“Nope, nope. Hell no. Get the fuck out of my yard.”
“Wow, really? That’s how it is, Jerrod? We spent three years together. I used to live here with you. We should at least be able to talk like two mature adults.”
“Oh, you’re an adult now? That’s funny. Last time I checked, a mature adult doesn’t fuck around with some piece of trash he met in a club and then proceed to fuck that trash over and over again for three months.”
“Are you done? Because all this animosity towards me is pointless, Jerrod.”
“You know, you have some nerve coming here and asking me for a favor after what you did. And you’re trying to make it seem like I’m the fucking bad guy here when you’re just a nasty ho who sticks his dick in anything. I bet you enjoy being a total top now, don’t you? I bet you hide the fact that you were vers and got fucked by me when you hook up with the loose booty bottoms you fuck around with now, huh?”
He sighed out loud before admitting, “I’m here because I still haven’t told my family that me and you broke up and they’re expecting you to be with me tonight and tomorrow. I know I fucked up but I can’t tell my parents, brothers, aunts, uncles and cousins that I fucked up the one good thing in my whole life. At least not during the holidays.”
When he said all of that, it was like my heart stopped. I assumed he told his family about us a long time ago. As angry as I still was with him, I understood why he hadn’t told them. Gabriel wasn’t as successful as his brothers and other family members. He’d gotten in a lot of trouble when he was younger and was in the Army for a while before being dishonorably discharged for multiple drug possession violations. When we were together, I worked hard while he could barely keep a job. He was more focused on partying with his friends and smoking weed than being responsible like me.
“I can’t believe you,” I said to him as we entered my house. “You should’ve told them a long time ago, Gabe.”
“I know,” he said. “But you know how much they like you. Everybody is always asking me about you and I know once I tell them we broke up they’re gonna automatically blame me.”
“Well, it is your fault that we broke up.”
“You just love kicking me while I’m down, don’t you?” He shook his head before asking, “Will you come with me to my parents’ house tonight for the Christmas Eve dinner and tomorrow to spend Christmas with them? I already saw you can’t fly to Oakland this year to spend it with your own family so I know you don’t have anything planned.”
“You can’t or you won’t?”
I rolled my eyes as I explained, “I don’t feel comfortable lying to your family like that. They’re nice people and it would be wrong.”
“So, you’d rather ruin their Christmas by revealing that me and you aren’t together anymore? That’s messed up.”
“No, what’s messed up is you coming to my house trying to lay a guilt trip on me!”
“All I’m asking is for you to pretend like you don’t hate me for two days. Are you telling me you hate me so much that you can’t even do that?”
“Well, I don’t. I just don’t see any good coming out of us lying to your family, even if it is just for the holidays.”
“My brothers are all married and they have kids. They’re successful and happy; meanwhile, I’m a fucking failure. Everybody always says you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and it’s true. I ain’t shit and I’ve accepted that. I’m not asking you to take me back because I know you’re done with me. I’m asking you to do this because I want to experience one last holiday season where my family doesn’t see me as the failure that I am. Please, Jerrod. I’m begging you.”
As angry as I still was with him, I didn’t want to be the reason why his family’s holiday season turned sour. I also couldn’t stand to see how heartbroken he still was over our breakup. I shouldn’t have felt sorry for him but I couldn’t help it. It also didn’t help that he was still so damn cute. After thinking about it some more, I took a deep breath and exhaled loudly and then told him, “Okay.”
His face lit up as he asked, “You for real?”
“Yes. I’ll go with you tonight and tomorrow. I do still love your family. Their holiday shouldn’t be ruined just because me and you couldn’t make our relationship work. Besides, your mama makes the best turkey dressing in the world.”
Immediately, he threw his arms around me and hugged me. “Thank you so much, Jerrod. I owe you big for this. You got a good heart and I knew I could count on your love.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I pulled back from the hug and told him, “We can hold hands but absolutely no kissing on the lips. I’m not taking any pictures with you also. And do not put your hands on my ass like you used to do. You’re not my boyfriend anymore so you don’t get to touch me there.”
“Damn, alright. Is there anything else?”
“Yeah, try to remember I’m doing this for your family’s sake. Do not read into it because I do not want you back and I never will after what you did. You’re lucky I have a weak spot for your family. Now, it’s time for you to go because I have work to do.” I rushed him back out of my house and after closing and relocking my front door, asked him, “What time are you picking me up?”
“Okay, I’ll be sure to be ready by then.”
Before walking to his car, he stopped and said, “I know this is only for today and tomorrow, but I just want you to know that I missed you.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and nervously added, “I’ll see you tonight.”
As I watched him leave, I quietly admitted to myself, “I missed you, too.”
Gabriel’s family always had a small dinner on Christmas Eve that didn’t involve the full family. It was usually just his parents, his brothers, his brother’s wives and his nieces and nephews. The full family would usually show up on Christmas day. His parents’ home was like the perfect place to be for the holidays. Even for me, it always felt like home. Since my family lived all the way in Oakland and I lived in Pittsburgh, I rarely got to spend the holidays with them. For that reason, I used to look forward to spending that time with the Hudson family.
“Remember what I said,” I told Gabriel as we climbed out of his car. “No kissing on the lips and no touching my ass. There’s no telling where your lips and hands have been lately.”
“You have my word, baby,” he said back.
“My bad, I didn’t mean to say that.” He grabbed my hand as we made our way up the walkway to the front door. He opened the door with his free hand and together, we entered the house.
“That better be Gabe and Jerrod,” his mama called out from the kitchen.
“It is,” said his brother, George, as he stepped out of the living room. He hugged Gabriel and then he hugged me before saying, “Everybody was waiting for y’all to show up. Come on.”
We took our coats off and followed him into the living room. We spent the next thirty minutes saying hey to everybody and sharing hugs. I thought I’d feel uncomfortable lying to Gabriel’s family about our relationship status, but it actually came to me naturally because of how close I truly was to them all. His mama was especially happy to see me and I was happy to see her. Once everyone got over the excitement of seeing me and Gabriel together, Gabriel pulled me away so we could go talk upstairs in his old bedroom.
“They don’t suspect a thing,” he told me as he pushed the door up. “Thank you for this, Jerrod.”
“I didn’t only do this for you,” I reminded him.
“I just hope they’ll understand when I tell them me and you are broken up after Christmas.”
“When exactly are you going to tell them?”
“I need to do it before New Years because that’s not as big of a holiday as Christmas. I just know they’re gonna throw it up in my face once I tell them. They wouldn’t be wrong. I was the one who blew it.”
“Gabe, there’s no reason to beat yourself up today. No one knows right now and everyone is happy.”
“I know, but I can already see how they’re gonna treat me. I don’t have a successful career and I live with friends instead of having my own place. The only thing I had going for me was my relationship with you. I’m a fucking loser without that.” He sat down on his bed.
“Gabriel, you are not a loser. I actually don’t think they’ll take it that hard on you once you tell them. Just leave out the fact that you cheated.”
“Because I hurt you and I’m not taking the easy way out. I love you too much to make it seem like you did anything wrong.”
When he said that, I stared into his eyes and asked, “Why did you cheat? You’ve never given me a clear reason. You say it had nothing to do with anything I did. Is that true?”
“I did it because of my own selfish reasons. It really didn’t have anything to do with you, Jerrod. I promise. You are the most put-together person I’ve ever known. You took a chance on me and even though I don’t understand why you did, I loved you for it. I still do. Cheating on you was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made and knowing that I can’t make it up to you hurts.”
I grabbed his hand and told him, “For tonight and then again tomorrow, we get to pretend like it all never happened.”
“True.” He smiled and asked, “Remember the first time we met up after talking on Jack’d for days about sex?”
I laughed as I answered, “Yeah. I kept getting an attitude with you.”
“Shit, you were straight up mean as fuck to me.”
“I was bitter over my last breakup. I never told you that but that’s why I had an attitude.”
“Damn, that explains a lot. I made you laugh and we hit it off on that first date. I’ll never forget it.”
“Me either.” I looked around his room and then asked, “I bet you spent a lot of time in here growing up, huh?”
“I sure did. I was always grounded for doing dumb shit. My dad would always ask me how come I wasn’t more like my brothers? Why did I always stay in trouble? I swear if I wasn’t so bad, everyone would’ve had a problem with me being gay. It was like being gay didn’t matter because I stayed in trouble. I guess it’s good that they accepted me though.”
“See, you had it easier than me. My family made a big deal about it.”
“Really? You never told me that. Your folks seemed nice the few times I’ve been around them.”
“They’re cool with it now but they weren’t when I came out back in high school. Me and my dad argued constantly. My mama cried a lot. It took a long time for things to get back to normal and in many ways, things still aren’t normal with my family. It’s not like how it was before I came out to them.”
“Dang, sorry about that. You know, there’s a lot you never really talked to me about when we were together.”
“I do tend to keep a lot bottled inside. It’s one of my flaws.”
“You call that a flaw? Jerrod, I swear you’re too hard on yourself sometimes.”
“I could say the same about you.”
“Yeah, but I need to be hard on myself. I’m a screw up.”
“Just because you’ve made some mistakes doesn’t make you a screw up. I really don’t like seeing you beat up on yourself like this. Contrary to what you think, I don’t hate you. I don’t want to see you suffer in any way.” My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out to see I’d gotten a text from one of my coworkers.
“Who is that, your new boyfriend?”
“Jerrod, you can be honest with me. If you’re with someone else, I can handle it.”
I showed him the text message and repeated, “It’s a coworker.”
“I’ve actually been too busy to date lately.”
“Too busy to date? What about sex?”
“Have you been too busy for that, too?”
“If that’s your way of asking me if I’ve had sex since we broke up, the answer is yes. But it was just one-time hookups and only a handful of them.”
“It’s been the same for me.” He shoved his hands into his pockets, which meant he was nervous about something. “So uh…you ready to go back downstairs?”
He grabbed my hand again and we went back downstairs. As he went into the kitchen to help his mama, I sat in the living room and talked with his brothers and dad. I told them about how great Gabriel was doing and how happy me and him were. I knew it was wrong to lie, but I didn’t want them to suspect anything. When dinner was ready, everyone went into the dining room and sat at the big table. I sat beside Gabriel and we held hands during the prayer. What happened next was something I’ll never forget.
“I can’t do this,” Gabriel said as he stood up from his chair, causing all of the small chatter to stop immediately. “This is messed up and I can’t believe I let it go this far.”
“Son,” said Mr. Hudson. “What are you talking about?”
“Everything isn’t fine between me and Jerrod. As a matter of fact, there is no me and Jerrod anymore. I…” He got choked up as tears filled his eyes. “I messed it up. I cheated on him and he found out and dumped me two days after Valentine’s Day.” When he told them that, they all gasped at the same time. “Just like always, I took a good thing and I ruined it. And then to make it worse, I begged Jerrod into coming here tonight and pretending like everything is fine.”
“Gabe,” I said as I stood up. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not okay. This whole thing was crazy and I am so sorry for even thinking I could do this to my family. It’s embarrassing and I shouldn’t have even asked you to do this.” He turned his attention back to his family and told them, “I know I’ve never done anything right and I know y’all have been disappointed by me over and over again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m scared to death that I may never get my life right. I’m sorry.” He moved his chair out of the way and hurried out of the dining room.
“Well, that’s unfortunate,” said Mr. Hudson.
“That boy will never change,” said Gabriel’s brother Gary. “He’s twenty-six and still acting like a damn eighteen-year-old!”
“I’m sorry everybody,” I offered. “I went along with this because Gabe wanted you all to have a happy holiday season, and I did, too.”
“We’re not blaming you, Jerrod,” said Mrs. Hudson. “We know you did nothing wrong.”
“That’s not exactly correct. No, I didn’t tell Gabe to cheat on me but I could’ve handled the situation better. And he loves you all so much and he stresses about making you all proud. I never took that into account when I broke it off with him. If you all would excuse me, I need to go have a word with him.” I left the dining room and looked for him around the house. I finally found him sitting out on their back patio steps.
“You ready to go?” he asked as I approached him.
“That’s not why I’m out here. Gabe, why did you tell them like that?”
“Because it felt wrong lying to them. And it felt wrong making you lie for me. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking.”
I sat down on the step beside him and said, “You were trying to spare yourself the disappointment you knew you’d get from them once you told them the truth. That’s understandable.”
“I bet they’re in there right now calling me a screw up, huh?”
“Gabe, they only want what’s best for you. And so do I.”
When I said that, he looked at me and asked, “You do?”
“Yes. I’ve been thinking and maybe I didn’t handle everything the way I should have. You’ve always been under pressure to prove yourself to your family and I didn’t take that into account.” I took a deep breath before telling him, “I think we should start talking again.”
“I do. This doesn’t mean I’m ready to try being in a relationship again, but I do want to talk to you and spend time with you again. I miss you, Gabe. I miss us being friends the most.”
“I miss that, too. But I still hurt you and I know you’ll never get over that.”
“All I can do is try. I want to try. I can start by telling you that I forgive you.”
Tears filled his eyes as he asked, “You do?”
“Yeah. And I want you to know that I don’t see you as a screw up. I don’t see you as a troublemaker or a cheater. Gabriel, I see you as the strong and confident man you’ve always been. Now, let’s go back inside and discuss this like adults with your family. I’m sure once they know everything, they won’t talk down on you. You ready to go back inside?”
“I think so.” He wiped his tears and said, “I know I’m ready.”
“That’s what I wanna hear.” I gave him a hug and a kiss on the lips before standing up with him. As we were about to go back inside, it started snowing. I smiled and told him, “Merry Christmas, Gabe.”
He put his arm around me and softly replied, “Merry Christmas.”
[Disclaimer]: Pictures used do not reflect the sexuality or personality of people in the pictures. They only serve as visual examples of the characters.
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