Just a few things I feel like I need to say on Facebook but can’t say on Facebook.
This isn’t a rant but just… a very personal post. Probably the most personal thing you will ever read from me because as you will see, these are things that I am more comfortable saying to a group of strangers than to those around me. So that’s my word of caution to all of you who may choose to read this.
After the Supreme Court decision, I decided to see what my 150 friends on Facebook were saying. At first, I was proud, this seems good. No one has been against it, people seemed to be fully accepted it. And then those posts begin to appear. Posts where people try to appear to be fully accepting of the decision until I read those words: God will judge our sins the same way. Be it theft, murder, or lying, a sin is a sin.
They accept the ruling because that’s what it currently is, but many things remain misunderstood and unaccepted.
Additionally, I decided to finally post this because I spent about 3 days with my parents and my godmother in a small car and of course the Supreme Court ruling came up. During the conversation, my mom said that she’s not sure if she’s going to be accepting if one of her kids were to get married to someone of the same gender. So I figured this might be the time to actually hit the post button.
Just a few things I feel like I need to say on Facebook but can’t say on Facebook.
This isn’t a rant but just… a very personal post. Probably the most personal thing you will ever read from me because as you will see, these are things that I am more comfortable saying to a group of strangers than to those around me. So that’s my word of caution to all of you who may choose to read this.
After the Supreme Court decision, I decided to see what my 150 friends on Facebook were saying. At first, I was proud, this seems good. No one has been against it, people seemed to be fully accepted it. And then those posts begin to appear. Posts where people try to appear to be fully accepting of the decision until I read those words: God will judge our sins the same way. Be it theft, murder, or lying, a sin is a sin.
They accept the ruling because that’s what it currently is, but many things remain misunderstood and unaccepted.
Let me just say: I am not a sin. A sin is something that can be avoided, something that everyone has some level of choice in. That’s why it’s a sin, because there is a “good” path that you could have taken and yet you decided not to take it. That is something that I am not. I am a natural, beautiful phenomena that may confuse you, that you may not understand, but that is one thing you need to understand. I am not a sin.
When you’re 10 years old and a family member. whom you love and trust, scolds you Why? Are you gay? Are you gay? and your 10 year old self can only reply No, I’m not gay! I’m not gay! No! I’m not! with tears streaming down your eyes as if you have done something wrong, as if you were a bad child, you become confused and scared.
11 years later, when you finally understand things better, you are still scared. Scared of being rejected by people you love and care for, the people that you have always placed first in your heart, both due to your sense of duty and your simply and unquestionable love for them. Even 11 years later, knowing that yes, opinions have changed, they understand things better, but with every comment you correct, you know that there is still a trace of malice towards this thing that they still do fully understand.
Getting older, you begin to think You know what, whatever. If the topic comes up, I’ll just be honest and whatever happens, happens. Then in high school, a friend asks So you would actually fuck girls? Like have sex with girls? and you very quickly, defensively reply with No, of course not! What? No, I wouldn’t. Why would I do that? and frustration builds up inside you as you know you broke your own promise to yourself. You wonder what could have gone wrong if you just said yes. I mean, they’re a friend… right? Even to this day, they’re still by you.
These people, you love them and you know that they love you with all their heart. You know in the back of your mind that they will still love you, no matter what. But you also understand that being loved is not enough. You want to be accepted as who you are, all of you, and not just the parts that they want to accept. You remember that day, 11 years ago, that sense of fear and confusion, not over who you am, but confused because… why are they angry? Why are they yelling at me? What did I do wrong?
As I scroll through my news feed, reading these posts and comments, I feel as if I am being ripped apart from the inside. I just want to scream, NO! I AM NOT A SIN! I AM NOT A MISTAKE! I AM NOT SOMETHING UNNATURAL THAT NEEDS TO BE JUDGED! I AM WHO I AM AND WILL ALWAYS BE! I CAN’T FUCKING CHANGE IT! But I am well aware that these aren’t words they’ll be hearing anytime soon.
If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this, you now know more than a little about me. To be honest, I’m really expecting maybe 2 people at the most to read this, and I’m not even really expecting that. This is long as hell. And this may be the limits of what I’m able to say right now, but who knows. I’ve never really voiced any of these things, so I don’t know what people will think, how people will react. Since I’m currently saving this in my drafts, if you’re reading this, let me state the obvious and say that I actually somehow got the courage to publish it.
I’m going to say now, I didn’t get the courage to post this on my main blog where even only 2 people from there knows me in real life and several I’ve spoken to. Instead, it’s going to be on this blog of 5 followers I made awhile back to try to vent. I thought I’d pick up the courage to post this on that blog but here I am. Oh well.
I’m falling so hard, I feel like I’m sabotaging myself. What the hell is wrong with me? I just need to stop being a little shit baby and start doing stuff. I’m just so done. I’m just so tired. But I feel like I’m not doing enough to get up and fucking move. Like shit man. Just chill or something.
Knowing that school is almost here just stresses me out do much. Just today, it brought me a lot of panic, which is actually really stupid to begin with. I govt know, but it's something that I'm simply really not looking forward to right now. I just feel like there's so much that I wanted to actually do that would most likely have made me less anxious about school starting if I actually did it and not just say that I would do it... I'm just bring stupid, probably. Stupid both for not doing what I told myself to do and for being anxious about this whole thing...
I’m just having another one of those days where I don’t particularly want to do anything not because I don’t want to but just because I can’t seem to bring myself to do so. I don’t know. I feel like there’s too many and nothing running though my head right now. I don’t know.
I just don’t know what to do with myself right now. I just don’t wanna do anything but I just feel so pathetic not doing anything. It’s frustrating but it’s like, I CAN’T do anything. Believe me, if I can do shit right now, I will do them. It’s just… I can’t…
I’m just having another one of those days where I don’t particularly want to do anything not because I don’t want to but just because I can’t seem to bring myself to do so. I don’t know. I feel like there’s too many and nothing running though my head right now. I don’t know.
I just don't know what to do with myself right now. I just don't wanna do anything but I just feel so pathetic not doing anything. It's frustrating but it's like, I CAN'T do anything. Believe me, if I can do shit right now, I will do them. It's just... I can't...
I'm just having another one of those days where I don't particularly want to do anything not because I don't want to but just because I can't seem to bring myself to do so. I don't know. I feel like there's too many and nothing running though my head right now. I don't know.
I'm so scared and frustrated with me right now. I have this opportunity right in front of me and yet I'm not taking it because I'm just so fucking scared about talking to people. I'm shaking just thinking about picking up the phone and having to talk to someone for an extended period of time. But I know that I'm going to regret it if I don't do this and I will constantly look back and think: what if. What if I just made that phone call, what's the worst that could happen? I stay as I am. What's the best that could happen? I can get a job. And yet I'm not picking up the phone and why the fuck am I not? I'm just so sick and tired of myself being like this and yet, here I am. I mean I might even like this place. It's a fucking sushi restaurant. So what the fuck am I so scared of. Like I want to cry just thinking about talking on the phone. I don't know. I should. It's a chance. I really should...
I sometimes really hate how my attitude towards certain characters can just suddenly change. There are some characters that I'm simply adamant about hating and then things happen and since I'm an emotional person, I begin to think that maybe I can kinda forgive you. But then my mind is just telling me no, don't do that. I think it's also me trying to reject this huge part of me that is so easily influenced. Just tell me something in the right way, at the right time, say it enough times and I turn into the most understanding little thing you could possibly and I hate it. Like no, I formed my opinions and you're not going to change that! But when that happens, it seems like I'm just stubborn or cannot learn, which I also hate being viewed as. I don't know. I don't think I'll ever be happy with myself. Maybe that's what this thing is telling me. Ugh, I give up. I don't even know anymore...
I’m just so done with people. I’m so done with people talking shit about me. So done with them telling me what I’m suppose to do and what I’m suppose to be like so that they don’t have to talk shit about me. I’m just so done. I’m done.
That sounds like my sister outside with some people. Oh my god. I swear to god. If she’s home and have friends over they better fucking leave me alone. I’m seriously not in the mood to deal with any of that shit. Holy fuck. No. Just no.
I'm often very frustrated with myself because sometimes I just want to completely break down. I just want to just break and cry my heart out until I release everything. I want to beat someone up until they are a bloody mess, my fingers broken. I want to hurt myself. I find some sort of relief in physical pain. It distracts me from actually dealing with feelings. It's something that I understand so much more. I just-- I don't want to deal with anything anymore. I'm just so tired out everyone and everything and I just want everything to be over. I just don't want to have to deal with anything anymore. I'm so tired. So tired.
I’m just so done with people. I’m so done with people talking shit about me. So done with them telling me what I’m suppose to do and what I’m suppose to be like so that they don’t have to talk shit about me. I’m just so done. I’m done.
That sounds like my sister outside with some people. Oh my god. I swear to god. If she's home and have friends over they better fucking leave me alone. I'm seriously not in the mood to deal with any of that shit. Holy fuck. No. Just no.
I'm just so done with people. I'm so done with people talking shit about me. So done with them telling me what I'm suppose to do and what I'm suppose to be like so that they don't have to talk shit about me. I'm just so done. I'm done.
I really don’t know what’s been wrong with me lately… these past 2 weeks I’ve just been tired and just really don’t want to be with people as much as I usually do. I’ve been really irritated with people, especially with my dad, and feel like people think I’m useless. I’ve been thinking of how people view me and none of it has been positive: useless, stupid, obsessive, naive… and with all that I’ve just been… sad…?
There’s a heavy weight on my chest and I always feel like I’m on the verge of tears without really understanding why. I’m constantly just putting myself down and I can’t help but just think of all the negative things about me. I’m worried and scared and nervous and just plain anxious about everything. I’ve been thinking of how much better it would be for everyone if I was just… gone… out of their lives… and it’s hard… because I don’t want to… and I feel selfish for thinking that way… because no matter how angry and pissed off people get me, I just… I don’t want to leave… and that’s just making me feel worse about everything…
I’m just a sad, stupid, selfish little brat… the fuck am I still here for?
I know it’s stupid but I feel really guilty for being sad because I have a pretty good life. I really shouldn’t be complaining because things could be worse… so why the fuck am I sad? Why the hell should I even be sad?
I have a feeling that people sometimes get irritated/annoyed when I'm sad... but that could easily me being a sensitive, self-absorbed little ass. But yeah... I mean, I'm usually really happy, I'm usually the one that cheers people up so this is mood of mine is just really starting to piss me off. I shouldn't be sad. Like just why the fuck am I sad? I don't understand and I hate not having control of my emotions so why can't I even hide the fact that I'm sad and pissy? No one wants to deal with people like this! I just need to get ahold of myself and my stupid emotions and feelings. Just, deal with it. The fuck is wrong with me? I just need to stop being so pissy and talk to people without getting frustrated... damn it!
I really don’t know what’s been wrong with me lately… these past 2 weeks I’ve just been tired and just really don’t want to be with people as much as I usually do. I’ve been really irritated with people, especially with my dad, and feel like people think I’m useless. I’ve been thinking of how people view me and none of it has been positive: useless, stupid, obsessive, naive… and with all that I’ve just been… sad…?
There’s a heavy weight on my chest and I always feel like I’m on the verge of tears without really understanding why. I’m constantly just putting myself down and I can’t help but just think of all the negative things about me. I’m worried and scared and nervous and just plain anxious about everything. I’ve been thinking of how much better it would be for everyone if I was just… gone… out of their lives… and it’s hard… because I don’t want to… and I feel selfish for thinking that way… because no matter how angry and pissed off people get me, I just… I don’t want to leave… and that’s just making me feel worse about everything…
I’m just a sad, stupid, selfish little brat… the fuck am I still here for?
I know it's stupid but I feel really guilty for being sad because I have a pretty good life. I really shouldn't be complaining because things could be worse... so why the fuck am I sad? Why the hell should I even be sad?
I really don't know what's been wrong with me lately... these past 2 weeks I've just been tired and just really don't want to be with people as much as I usually do. I've been really irritated with people, especially with my dad, and feel like people think I'm useless. I've been thinking of how people view me and none of it has been positive: useless, stupid, obsessive, naive... and with all that I've just been... sad...?
There's a heavy weight on my chest and I always feel like I'm on the verge of tears without really understanding why. I'm constantly just putting myself down and I can't help but just think of all the negative things about me. I'm worried and scared and nervous and just plain anxious about everything. I've been thinking of how much better it would be for everyone if I was just... gone... out of their lives... and it's hard... because I don't want to... and I feel selfish for thinking that way... because no matter how angry and pissed off people get me, I just... I don't want to leave... and that's just making me feel worse about everything...
I'm just a sad, stupid, selfish little brat... the fuck am I still here for?
Lately, probably because I've had the time to think too much lately, I've been thinking mainly of embarrassing moments, moments that I just want to forget. There's just so many and I hate remembering them. And I just suddenly yell out, and it just makes it worse. God, I just sometimes wish I can get some sort of head trauma to just forget all this shit that happens. Then maybe things will be better. I don't know. I just hate having all that in my mind. It needs to go. Just fucking go.
