Mica Esquivel

When I'm not writing for work, I write for this blog.

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SKIN CARE!

This is such a dream, ‘yung aktwal na may magtanong ng skin care routine ko HAHAHA. Pero eto na, I will share the things I do to my fezlak hoping they would help you too.

Syempre, I just need to put some disclaimers here like: I’m not a skin care professional, I don’t even think I’m an enthusiast. So try these out at your own risk! 

Also, I guess it’s important to note that I have a combination skin type. I have a mix of dry and oily areas. That said, everyone has a different skin type and what works for me might work differently for you. 

GETTING RID OF PIMPLE MARKS 

I feel like this needs its own segment because a huge chunk of my glow up owes to my perseverance to get rid of my pimple marks. 

I had bad acne throughout high school, so naturally, the aftermath was a constellation of dark marks. They were such a big nuisance because they’re so ugly and rough hahaha.

What helped me get rid of them was consistent exfoliation. I have to emphasize consistency because you wouldn’t get rid of them in one try. I had to get the hang of exfoliating 1-2 times a week for a couple of months before they vanished.

Products I use to get rid of my pimple marks:

St. Ives Scrub

Anyone who has ever talked to me about skin care must know how much I love this product. St. Ives is my holy grail facial scrub because it doesn’t disappoint. It always leaves my face soft as a baby’s butt cheek.

I exfoliate 1-2 times a week, and then I moisturize heavily afterwards, because exfoliating can be very drying.

Kojic

I also sought Kojic’s help to lighten my pimple marks. But here’s a very important reminder: Use this sparingly! 1-2 times a week is enough.

I actually tried using Kojic as a facial soap and it resulted in a burnt face with painful peeling. You’ve been warned.

MY CURRENT, 4-STEP SKIN CARE ROUTINE

My current skin care is actually very simple (and affordable, if that matters).

I limited it to 4 steps because I care more about consistency over the grandeur of having so many products and steps. I do this routine at night. Before I succumb to hours of Mobile Legends.

1. CLEANSING 

Do I have to expound on this? HAHA. 

Water + Your Cleanser of Choice = Cleansing! 

My current cleanser is The Face Shop’s 365 Herb Day Cleansing Foam. It’s mild, smells great, doesn’t dry the skin, and actually lasts for a long time. The tube I’m using is still the one I bought last Christmas. A pea-sized portion is good enough to cover your entire face.

I also used Myra’s Facial Wash for a long while. I loved this cleanser too because it’s mild and not drying. I switch between these two cleansers, whichever is available. 

Double Cleansing

A lot of people recommend doing a double cleanse, pero tamad ako for this tbh. So, I only do this when I wear heavy makeup. On regular days, I ditch this step (I don’t wear heavy makeup).

Double cleansing is basically using an oil-based cleanser or makeup remover to swipe away all the makeup before you wash your face (you must not skip this step if you wore a makeup base!).

I use Pond’s cold cream when I double cleanse. A lot of titas can testify to how good it is. Alam niyo sa Mulan, nung tinanggal ni Mulan yung makeup niya in one swipe? Pond’s Cold Cream gamit niya ‘don.

2. TONING 

Using a toner really brightened up my face. Prior to learning about this skin care step, my face was so dark and ashy from all the impacted oil and sebum. You’d be surprised at the amount of dirt your toner can unearth from your face. Even after cleansing. 

My current toner is *drum roll* Eskinol!

Although you’re most welcome to go for fancier alternatives like Celeteque, Witch Hazel, Kiehl’s and the likes.

How I apply my toner is another thing. I actually learned this technique from Korean beauty vloggers, and even saw some EXO members do it hahaha. 

I like to soak 2 cotton pads with toner and just leave them on my face like this. 

This technique helps with minimizing my pores. After 2 minutes, I take them off and just swipe them across my face down to my neck like I normally would.

3. MOISTURIZING 

Moisturizing is my favorite skin care step because it’s the secret to my glass skin haha. A lot of people take this step for granted but it’s actually very important. 

I learned that keeping your face well-moisturized is key to having lesser breakouts and blackheads! It makes perfect sense because if your face feels dry then it would feel more compelled to produce oil which results in pimples, sebum, and blackheads. 

I actually saw it for myself. When I began moisturizing everyday, I had lesser breakouts and close to zero blackheads.

My current moisturizer is The Face Shop’s Jeju Aloe Ice. I use this in rotation with Myra’s Smooth Glow moisturizer. I have two moisturizers because I think my face has different needs depending on the weather and what time of the month it is. But it’s fine to have just one.

4. EXFOLIATING AND PIMPLE CONTROL 

I love exfoliating because I love having my face feel soft as a baby’s butt. It’s also an essential step in keeping the skin smooth and bright. I’ve already talked about my exfoliation regimen with St. Ives’ Apricot Scrub above. So just scroll up. 

For pimple control, I use: Defensil.

I still get pimples. Especially when it’s that time of the month, when I’m puyat, or after a Samgyup dinner hahaha. I count on Defensil to help stop a breakout in its tracks. It’s an antibacterial soap that can deal with pimples before they even erupt. It also helps with pimple marks!

I use Defensil very sparingly though--only when I have to. Because this soap can be very drying.

OTHER TIPS/STEPS

I wash my face with water in the morning. No soaps and cleansers, just water. 

I stopped wearing foundation in 2018. And mind you, my skin was still whack during this time. It was a sacrifice I did for the greater good haha. 

2 years later, my little sacrifice paid off because I no longer get blackheads as bad as I used to.

I throw in a face mask every once in a while. But I’m honestly too tamad for this skin care step.

I know it sounds pathetic to hear people say that drinking lots of water is their skin care secret. But it actually works.

Don’t touch your face with dirty hands! Even before COVID, I already made it a habit to sanitize my hands regularly because I feel iffy about touching my face with dirty hands (arte?!)

Powder (especially talc!) + sweat = blackheads. I stopped using talc on my face for a couple of years now. When I do use powder, I make sure to cleanse my face very very well.

THE GLOW UP

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Living with Depression

This will come as a surprise to many. Especially if you knew me in college hahaha. It actually took every bit of courage in my body to write this, let alone publish it for the world to see. 

But here, I’ll let you in on a secret: I have depression. 

I’ve been clinically diagnosed since 2018. When I finally crumbled from carrying it over the years. Don’t get me wrong, I always had a good life. But depression, just like any other disease, can come for you regardless of your life situation. 

Even the rich and powerful get depressed. Even a headstrong girl like me.

It’s chronic.

When my psychiatrist and I were figuring things out, we came to the conclusion that my depression is a chronic kind. It has been with me, unknowingly, for roughly 10 years. I was diagnosed when I was 22, so it could be that I had it as young as 12. 

The mad amount of stress I had to take on during my teenage years definitely contributed to my illness. For one, I attended a science high school. And I can’t even begin to express how stressful that was. 

I was constantly under pressure back then, but thoughts of having depression didn’t really cross my mind. I just always thought I was mentally weaker and slower than everyone else.

On top of the academic challenges, I also had to deal with bullying which brought me lots of emotional pain.

Back then, all of these things didn’t ring “depression”. They seemed to be normal teenage stuff. But looking back at them now, I really want to give my 15-year old self a hug.

But weren’t you an honor student in college?

I guess this is the part that surprised many people. Even my own folks. I soared quite well in college. I was a dean’s lister in all 8 semesters, and even graduated with honors.

And yet, here I am with my diagnosis and prescriptions.

I guess this goes to show that depression isn’t the same for everyone. More importantly, it manifests uniquely for different people. Sometimes, it’s easy to spot. Sometimes it’s not. 

And this is why it’s extremely important to always check on your friends. Even if they seem “okay”.

Even to me, learning that I actually had depression was unbelievable. Because I had achievements that always made people proud.

But my doctor advised me to look back really hard and see if any of my achievements were paired with harsh self-criticisms. He said it’s one thing to feel gratification from people’s validation, and it’s another to feel gratification from self-love and acceptance. 

And he was right. I hated that he was right. 

I was always harsh to myself. I aimed for excellence unhealthily. I remember getting worked up when I miss 1 or 2 questions in an exam, or when I get a grade lower than what I expected. 

A few weeks before graduation, I was in loads of self-induced stress because I learned that I was 0.3 points away from being Magna Cum Laude. LIKE IT’S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.

I don’t regret succeeding in college, because I worked really hard for the stuff I had. I just wish I achieved things with a healthier mindset.

Moving forward.

So what happened after my diagnosis? 

I was prescribed with maintenance anti-depressants that I still take today. They help me keep my serotonin bank happy which helps in managing my emotions. At one point, I was prescribed alprazolam for panic management and it was wild hahaha. 

But I did a good job in handling my mental health so it was taken out of my prescription very quickly. 

I don’t want to live with meds forever so I’m helping myself to be more mentally fit by working out, having hobbies, and drawing a clear boundary between life and work. No job in this damn world is ever worth sacrificing your mental health for. 

I still see my psychiatrist but more sparingly nowadays. He reduced our meetings because I seem to be getting better!

How do you keep working in advertising?

I guess a burning question for a lot of people is how do I keep working in advertising despite my condition? HAHAHAHA.

After my diagnosis, I honestly thought I had to kiss advertising goodbye. Because there’s no way I can keep my sanity while working tight timelines and late hours. But eventually, I learned that it’s really all about asserting your personal limits and finding a good workplace.

Workplace discrimination is also something I get asked about a lot. Do I get unfair treatment when people learn of my condition? 

So far, I’ve never felt discriminated upon even after being open about my illness. For one, I’m actually confident that I am always able to deliver good work and never let my personal issues poke through my professional stuff. No one can drag me for having depression because my work can always vouch for me.

No blames.

I’d be a hypocrite if I say that I didn’t blame anyone for my depression. I did. But sorting myself out, I figured that blaming will only bring me heaps of stress. And it’s a very unhealthy way to cope, so I decided to let it go and just work on getting better. 

I don’t blame anyone, I don’t feel ill about anyone, I only have the desire to come out stronger. 

For some, letting go of the blames can be hard. But when you see just how all-consuming it is, you’d realize that it’s such a waste of energy and emotion. 

Opening this up to you wasn’t easy. But I hope I inspired you even just a bit. 

To either finally get help, or reach out to someone you know who might be struggling.

I love you!

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Koreaboo Stuff: My K-Drama List

A K-Drama guide based on the stuff I’ve already seen. Plus a bonus list of Korean snacks you can try on your way to becoming a Koreaboo like me.

Top Tier

My ultimate favorites. Entry-level K-Dramas for peeps who are interested to live the Koreaboo life. All of these I've seen more than 3 times.

1. Goblin 2. Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo 3. Doctors 4. Dream High

Popular Suggestions

Super well-produced K-Dramas. Every episode feels like a movie. Popular with a lot of people. Even titas. Might have been suggested to you more than once.

1. Descendants of the Sun 2. Crash Landing On You 3. My Love from the Star 4. Itaewon Class 5. 100 Days My Prince 6. KINGDOM

High School K-Dramas

I really love high school-themed K-Dramas. Wala lang, gusto ko lang nakakakita ng mga nagsasabunutang estudyante minsan.

1. School 2015 2. School 2017 3. Dream High 4. The Heirs 5. Love Alarm 6. A Love So Beautiful (Chinese drama though)

Guilty Pleasures

The chick flicks of K-Dramas. Super light stuff that you can watch after a tiring Friday.

1. Beautiful Gong Shim 2. Something About One Percent 3. Fight for my Way 4. Touch your Heart 5. Bring It On, Ghost! 6. What's Wrong with Secretary Kim 7. Because this is my First Life

K-Snacks for your K-Marathons

While we're at it, here are some of my favorite Korean snacks for K-Drama marathons. Don’t forget to get some ban chan.

1. Jjapagetti Noodles 2. Sheets of Seasoned Laver 3. Korean Sausage Snack 4. Yoppoki (Cheese Tteokbokki) 5. Binggrae Banana Milk 6. Ottogi Jjamppong Ramen

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I Sucked At Public Speaking.

A funny and fascinating thought struck me while I was on my way home last Thursday: How is it that I used to be so anxious about public speaking, but I’m now thriving in a job where I have to pitch things to people all the time?!

I know, character development 13/10.

If you knew me in high school, whether you’re my teacher or one of the few peeps I chose to keep around, you can attest to how bad I was at speaking in front of people.

I swear, I’m pretty sure I failed every oral exam I had to do. I remember having no choice but to do a monologo for Filipino II and my teacher straight up told me that I only consumed 2 minutes of the 5-minute requirement. And that she’s not sure if what I did was even a decent monologue.

But you know what? At the time, I honestly preferred failing over having to do it again.

I was also kinda notorious for eating my words really bad whenever I’m in front because I just want the damn thing to be over. This actually paved the way for my uncanny rapping skills, but rapping for an English oral on sonnets will not save my ass.

I was such a wallflower who didn’t like her voice to be heard. Mostly because I felt like whenever I spoke, people were secretly laughing at me. Or they don’t care at all.

I carried this flaw with me until college. I distinctly remember having to do an oral for English 1. I prepared a heartily-written piece on my favorite scientist of all time: Nikola Tesla. Back in my seat, I had it all together. But when I was already in front, shit just went blank. I was stuttering and snacking on my words again. It was honestly so frustrating.

But I guess what changed my game was my Filipino 1 final.

My professor tasked my group to hold a mini colloquium for the class. I volunteered to be my group’s “floor director” so I could evade the speaking parts. But during the actual final, we were hit by a crisis hahaha.

My blockmates started asking difficult questions and the tasked speaker was having a hard time responding. At that time, I just wanted to salvage my group from failing so I went in front and answered with all my might. My stutter went away, I was just so fixated on saving our grades.

After our final, I saw my group’s final grade sheet. My professor erased what was supposed to be an 80 or an 85 for me, and changed it to a 94.

It felt good. I was still shaking from speaking in front, but for the first time, I felt like speaking in front wasn’t so bad at all.

As I went through college, I learned that working in advertising will really require me to speak in front of people all the time. And it’s not just that, I have to effectively assert myself too. Especially if I have to fight for my ideas.

So I worked hard on outgrowing my irrational fear of speaking in front. I still mumbled and stuttered and choked on my words, but I knew that trying and failing is better than not trying at all.

(The sem I had a ‘Presentation Skills’ class, I practically had 1.75 and above in every subject. Except for Pres Skills where I got a 2.0 hahaha. I was that bad.)

I made it through my thesis defense with my still-mediocre-presentation-skills. My presentation wasn’t exactly bomb but I passed so I guess I wasn’t that bad anymore haha.

When I interviewed for my first job after grad, the creative heads of the agency surprised me with a challenge: I had to present the radio ad I wrote for my copy test.

I honestly thought of saying no. Or maybe even faking a seizure. But I did something more unbelievable: I ACTUALLY FUCKING DID IT.

I even cracked my knuckles for added theatrics.

I got hired. On the same day.

I guess it’s really true that the only sure fire way to overcome your fears is to just dive into the unknown and give it your best shot. You’ll never be ready unless you do it. And once you’re there, it’s not so bad anymore.

In my case, I wouldn’t have known that I can overcome my fear of public speaking if I didn’t take chances. Or if I kept letting my fear of being judged pull me back all the time.

If my Filipino II teacher is available, I’d like to do that monologo again. And this time, I will pass.

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Earphones

Describing the earphones’ function is pretty basic: it lets people jam to their tunes in complete seclusion. But nowadays, earphones have come to encompass a vast range of benefits.

1. Earphones bail us out from unwanted conversations—be it awkward small talk in public transportation, or dumb and repetitive family reunion gabfests.

2. Earphones also make long trips less tedious. Thanks to earphones, we are now saved from our folks’ rowdy AM radio stations. And our bickering siblings’ screams.

3. This piece of technology also fences us in our own invisible bubble amidst an unruly work space. Blocking out the noise of petty office gossip, and letting in more productivity.

Don’t get the wrong notion though, earphones don’t necessarily harbor anti-social tendencies. 

It just helps (introverted) people to carve a virtual haven amidst our fraught and crowded world. And it’s not a bad thing!

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Ripples

I used to think so little of death. Or at least at my young age of 17, it didn’t matter much because I did not have much to lose yet.

 I used to believe that my death wouldn’t be such a loss. Maybe everyone would mourn over me for a week, a month, or a year but they’ll eventually move on.

Pathetic self-help shit say that suicide is selfish. But it could also be just a very human response to immense emotional pain; no different than popping 2 tablets of painkiller for a grave migraine.

When I did it, I learned that suicide is really for the extremely brave. It’s for people who are no longer afraid and have lost their discretion. 

It’s a quick slash of a blade, a quick jump off the bridge or a quick swig off water following an entire bottle of sleeping pills.

I chose were sleeping pills.

I wanted to spare my mother from the disgust of seeing me soaked in my blood pool. I also considered how difficult it would be to clean up blood and get rid of the stench so I went the clean way. 

I mean, people might be crying and stuff, I didn’t want to add more things to think about.

Today marks the 1st year anniversary of my death, and it’s weird that I even managed to keep track because when you’re dead, time ceases to matter.

Along with everything in your life.

Others go on peacefully after their death, but not me. I guess it’s because I died so young and I can’t help but stay curious about what life would’ve been like.

So here I am, 1 year gone, but still watching over everyone I love. Or loved.

I still remember how they struggled during the first 3 months, they really took it one day at a time. But they went to a small hiking trip last week, so I guess they’re doing pretty okay today.

During the first month, my mother quietly cried herself to sleep every night and it was a pretty unusual sight. I’ve never seen her down, let alone crying. 

But when they lay my body to rest, my mom stopped holding everything back. And in that moment, I realized: Diamonds can break too.

That month was tough on my dad and my brother too.

It took a while to sink in to my brother that I’m no longer around. Sometimes, he’d wake up at midnight to check if I’m skipping sleep because of video games again. Subconsciously forgetting that my room is now empty.

He also spends way too much time secretly going over my stuff. Laughing (and crying) at my old diaries full of Jonas Brothers cutouts. 

He won’t admit it, but he loved me to bits when I was still around. He just didn’t show it a lot. And oh, how I wish he did.

One rainy morning, my dad slid inside our car at 6:30am. He was yelling at me to speed up if I want to make it to my 7am class. My mom came out teary-eyed and told him to take it easy.

She softly reminded him that he won’t be dropping me off at school for a while. They hugged, and cried.

My best friend still dials my number, it makes me laugh sometimes. That dumb bitch. I don’t even know how he can forget that I’m dead. 

But what breaks my heart is when he intentionally calls my number when he’s sad. Weirdly hoping that I’d pick up. 

-

When I died, I watched everybody who loved me mourn over the empty spaces I made. My empty bed, the empty passenger seat, the unanswered phone calls.

But what’s ironic and sad is that these empty spaces actually makes my presence more felt, and more missed.

During the next months, I’ve seen them move on little by little. But they still see me everywhere they go.

My mom went to our favorite cafe the other day. I’ve never seen anyone so sad over 2 pieces of French toast. I guess she saw me in every crumb because it was my favorite.

My brother’s friend threw a party for her sister’s 18th. I saw a tear or two in my brother’s eyes when he was watching his friend dance his sister. I almost forgot, I didn’t even make it in time for my 18th birthday party.

And last week, Avengers: Endgame hit the cinemas. My dad went to the movies alone but he bought tickets for two. He saved me a seat beside him, knowing that I would be around and hysterical about the movie. From heaven. Or wherever dead daughters go.

-

I don’t want to admit it, but the most painful thing about dying, and dying young, is realizing that you could have had a full life ahead of you.

And that your loss meant more than you thought you knew.

You may have always felt like a lowly drop of water, but a single drop is powerful enough to create ripples in the ocean. 

Never forget that.

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Spoiler-free Review: UNBOUNDED

After evading the seminar several times (sorry HR), I finally went to Unbounded last June 1 and 2. 

And it was nothing short of life-changing.

I came in feeling a bit partial about Unbounded because I’m not the biggest fan of life-coaching seminars. Heck, I never even liked my school retreats. 

For one, things like these appear too obtrusive for me. I don’t really enjoy it when someone pries into my conscience and forces me to feel stuff I am not open to pour out.

But Unbounded was different.

After the first day, I finally understood why Unbounded needed 2 days of my life. 

It’s for people like me. 

People with high walls, bias, and a lot of skepticism in their system. Just realizing that the people who designed the program actually thought of this emotional nuance convinced me that Unbounded really is a safe place.

I’m not allowed to spill anything about the program, so I’ll just get to the PEOPLE.

The true core of Unbounded are the people whom you’ll share the safe space with--staff and participants alike. 

Most of the relationships I’ve formed growing up were born out of serving others. People were drawn to me because of my advantages and the things I can offer. 

And that has been my belief ever since--that to draw people in, I need to look my best, my strongest, and my most able. 

Unbounded broke that belief.

It was crazy to see strangers turn into friends in just 2 days of being together. But what was crazier for me was seeing people connect with one another through their shared vulnerabilities. 

We all formed friendships with the most tender parts of our hearts. Guards down, walls broken.

And for once, I felt like just being me was enough.

To sum it all up, Unbounded is a 13/10. It opened me up in ways I never thought anyone could. And as much as I want to leave a shit ton of positive adjectives here, I want everyone reading this to come to Unbounded with an empty cup. And just let the experience fill you up!

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Shout out to Coach Bam for being the B E S T! I have no words except see you in the office!

Aaand, shout out to my buddy/homegurl Ruth! 

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Stuff I learned from She Talks Asia!

I’ve always been under the impression that ‘feeling enough’ is a matter of ‘internal validation’. 

After all, aren’t we always made to believe that we don’t need other people to carry on with our lives? At least, that’s what I’ve been getting from the modern brand of (can I say, radical?) feminism.

But yesterday’s ganap, which wasn’t even in my weekend plans (I didn’t have weekend plans lol), opened me up to a new truth: Feeling enough is not a solitary journey. Or it doesn’t always have to be.

She Talks Asia housed a wonderful mix of women who come from different industries—art, education, science, showbiz, corporate businesses, SMEs and more. And it just felt so nice to join and somewhat “belong” in that crowd of modern Filipinas who have long defied cultural expectations.

Every single panel and speaker from yesterday’s event was amazing. I tried to take lots of notes but all the wisdom are rushing in quicker than I can keep up with.

So here’s my really synthesized take-away from yesterday’s conference:

In our journey to feeling enough, we need the strengths of other people to help us piece our fragile parts. Or help us fill the parts where we are lacking. Or even just let us know that we’re not alone in feeling what we’re feeling.

And this is how we, as a community of capable women, can help each other to feel whole, intact, and as a result: enough.

Aaaand, I got some pics below!

(Again, thank you Apple for tagging me along! :D I made something better of my weekend instead of spending it binge-watching stuff haha).

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On Losing Weight and Keeping Active!

Finally! A blog post about this!

This isn’t going to be much of a “transformation” post because I haven’t really transformed that much yet. Physically at least. 

But my fitness journey is nearing its 1st anniversary and I’m just really happy that I was able to keep at it. I never stopped!

The first pic was taken on the very first day I dragged my ass to the gym. Not even knowing how long I’ll be able to sustain my attempt at fitness. Although I was kinda motivated to keep at it because the membership was 1,500 a month hahaha.

The latter was taken today.

When I first started working out, I tried going crazy over cardio because I wanted to make my weight loss super fast. It actually worked! The weight loss that comes with doing cardio is crazy.

Although at the time, my workouts were largely unsupervised and I only did stuff that I found easy or bearable. That’s why I settled for a lot of leg workouts (which accidentally grew my quads, like a lot. Hahaha).

I eventually started working out with my family and got introduced to WEIGHTS. Aaand I honestly wasn’t the biggest fan of lifting.

For one, there’s this myth that if you lift, you’re gonna get really bulky. Second, it’s just too damn hard to do. I even remember complaining over benching 5-pound weights HAHAHA.

Cut to today, I can bench press a 30-pound bar without a spotter. And my baseline dumbbell weight has gone from 5 pounds to 15. I used to do 10, but even 10 pounds has become too light for me. *nuks*

It didn’t happen quickly though. It took me (probably) half a year to get the hang of lifting because growing muscles does not happen overnight. It was REALLY a lot of hard work for me. But consistency and fiery dedication (and my weird dream to be a boxer hahaha) all yielded to my present strength.

I used to think that stuff will start to feel really rewarding when I become a skinny legend.

However, I learned that fitness is really more about the inner stuff like feeling stronger, not losing your breath over a flight of stairs, and being able to run for a full minute.

Also, when I learned to love weights, my body goals shifted.

Lifting weights opened me up to the idea that muscles are nice, strong girls are awesome; and having visible trapz, triceps, quads, and round deltoids won’t make me less of a girl. 

More importantly, I realized that being able to lift stuff makes me happy. Borderline cathartic hahaha.

To my homies who are still struggling to get started, the best advice I could spare is: Don’t get fixated on the superficial merits. 

Because it’s gonna feel disappointing and disheartening when you don’t see results immediately. I guess the best thing I learned is that when you do things for the right reasons, backed with meaningful motivation, stuff will take off awesomely.

So get into it more for your health and less for that dream bikini pic. I swear, it will make a world of difference. The right drive will make the journey more sustainable.

Good luck! I know your Day 1 will be amazing!

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I Was Bullied In High School: The After

The most important thing I learned about being bullied is that the ‘after’ matters the most. Because when you’re inside the sphere of taunt and hate, everything becomes a blip. 

And it’s only after things settle down that you realize: Oh, na-bully pala ako.

Back in high school, it wasn’t really clear to me that what I was going through was already bullying. And to be fair, my tormentors probably didn’t know either. Back then, in my point of view, we were all just hormonal teenagers constantly getting at one another’s nerves.

After all, they used to be my friends.

At one point, I even looked at them as positive reinforcement; convinced myself that these people are just what I need to prep me up for the bigger monstrosity of the world outside high school. I used to thank them too (in a very patronizing way), for serving as my stepping stones to achieving bigger things in the future.

Heck, I was one resilient kid.

Luckily for me, I got surrounded by healthy relationships after high school. And those helped me to turn out okay even if shit actually took a bad toll on my self-esteem. But not every bullying victim is as lucky. Or as resilient. Or as strong. Most of them end up scarred for life. 

Making peace with yourself is the most important aspect of healing after all the emotional torment. 

Trust me, you can cut everyone off and still feel attached to the pain. And that’s largely because you haven’t forgiven the person who needs the most forgiving: yourself.

Welp, here’s a few short and sweet things I want to say:

To the Bullies:

Here’s an inconvenient truth for you: You’re trying to break people because you want them to be as broken as you. 

Maybe you already know that, or you don’t. Either way, you are broken somewhere. And I’m sorry that you are. 

However, breaking others will not help make you whole.

To the Bullied:

Don’t shield yourself in resilience. Acknowledge the pain and do something about it. 

Tell someone. 

Cry it out. 

Fight back. And be dignified when you do it.

To the recovering victims:

Don’t make the mistake of being pressured to prove your tormentors wrong. 

Instead, be fixated on getting better for your own happiness. That’s the only sure way to heal. 

To my bullies:

Hearing about your successes, I guess life treated you kind after high school. And I’m genuinely happy for you. 

And just like how I turned out kind of good even after everything, I know that you guys turned out well too. 

“High School isn’t forever” goes both ways, right?

<3.

[blognimica]

I Was Bullied In High School

When the Ateneo bullying scandal took off, social media was buzzing with insights about bullying. 

Suddenly, everyone cared. 

And while the fiery conversation about it is amazing, we know deep down that nothing would’ve been done about it if it didn’t catch fire like it did. 

I’m no stranger to bullying. In fact, I’d like to believe that a huge chunk of who I turned out to be as an adult was brought about my emotional struggles as a bullied teenager. 

Nope, I wasn’t kicked around--not physically at least. But boy, the memories of my bruised teenage heart is still so vivid to me. 

Old friends became enemies. Anonymous hate mails were sent on a daily basis. I was called ugly. Lots of times stupid. People questioned and laughed at my passions. They said they wanted to impale me with a huge stick because I was a pig. 

And I’m pretty sure there’s more I haven’t heard of.

Some time in Senior Year, shit just got too much to handle for me. I’d cry every morning before getting up because I just didn’t want to go to school.

And nope, it wasn’t because school was hard. 

I was just fed up with hearing shit being said about me and my friends. Worse, I’d also hear the gossipy moms talk shit about me too.

The fruits didn’t fall far from their trees, I guess.

I don’t really know why I never brought these things up to my teachers back then. Maybe I didn’t trust them enough? I was so badly naïve? I feared that more bullying will come after speaking up?

Or I just somewhat feared that even if we did settle things, nothing would change. Because these kids were favorites.

The minute high school was over, I decided that I’m going to change my life and myself. 

I went to college. Achieved a lot. Graduated with honors. And became a fiercely assertive person--the person I wish I was when I was at my lowest in high school.

Looking back, I regret that I didn’t fight and talk back as much.

But I guess it’s alright. 

Because my bullies weren’t, and still aren’t worth what I have to offer.

[blognimica]

Unpopular Problem: Oh No, I Have Good Grades

It’s December 24 so I’m guessing UST just dropped the grades bomb on everyone. Welp, I just want to share a little something about me and my college grades:

The truth is, I never feared for my grades back in college.

Call me psychotic but I always looked forward to the release of grades. Especially because I always knew that I’d make the cut for DL every sem. I always had this silent confidence within me—that little spark of certainty that after a tiring sem, all the late nights and breakdowns will be worth it.

Honestly, deep down, I knew I was proud of myself for consistently making it. Even with all the inner struggles that came with it. However, I was enveloped in a hateful culture that somewhat forbids me to delight in my achievements.

People would talk behind my back—subliminally calling me mayabang, GC, grade manic, and more. What makes me feel worse about this is that these people are somehow that same people whom I selflessly helped when they asked me to. It’s really no fun.

In the long run, I realized that this toxic culture of smart-shaming took its toll on me in the form of Imposter Syndrome. I don’t have the energy to explain, just look it up.

So if you’re like me who has always poured 101% of yourself in your studies, I’m here to let you know that it’s not a bad thing to be proud of the results. Go ahead, post a screenshot of your grades on Facebook. Tag your family and egg your mom on for a McDo treat.

Don’t worry about the rolling eyes and whatnot. Because this is about YOU, not them.

And to everyone else, why can’t we just be supportive as hell and cheer everyone on? Why hate on someone and their hard work? It’s seriously demented.

[blognimica]

My Squishy Heart and Old-Fashioned Soul in the Age of Dating Apps

Before I get dem raised eyebrows from all the adults in my life—yes, I had dating apps. Emphasis on ‘had’ because I already got rid of them.

My gamble in dating apps began in 2014, when the Tinder hype was high and everyone was swiping in all directions. I was 18, naïve, dead curious, and was so sold over the promise of meeting your soulmate with just a swipe.

It’s all fun when you’re new to it, but the burnout really comes quickly. Or maybe it’s just me and my old-fashioned heart that’s not fit for the emotional toxicity of dating apps.

For starters, I’m not looking for casual hook-ups. And we all know how fuccboi-infested dating apps are. I can’t say it’s wrong though, but it is surely disappointing.

However, the real challenge of dealing with fuccbois is staying firm on your principles. Trust me, lots of these guys can smooth-talk you into bending your principles and choices because they want to score that badly. So homegurls, watch yo backs.

There’s also my predicament with having to “juggle” all these matches at once. I’m just not that kind of girl. When I talk to someone I get along with, I practically ditch all the others.

Hence, the birth of all emotional and attachment complications that I’m too lazy to expound. Pero gets? This dating app game works best for people with so much landi energy, and that’s not just me. Heck, I don’t even have the energy to comb my hair in the morning.

Today, I’ve come to accept that dating apps are not for me. Maybe other people are meant to have fun with ‘em, but I’m not one of those people.

I refuse to let dating apps corrode my squishy heart and old-fashioned soul. I know that deleting these apps mean that I have to put in more effort into meeting people the OG way, but why not? I met lots of friends the organic way, so how impossible can it be?

My stint with dating apps wasn’t all bad though. I’ve actually met a few (I mean two) amazeballs people from these dating apps too.

There’s my best friend of 3 years whom I met on Tinder. My greatest blessing from my crappy attempt at online dating. And there’s this other dude who I just recently met on Bumble and sort of became my friend and meme dump.

But yeah, I’m still not coming back to dating apps. Orrrr maybe if I’m still single by the time I’m 25.

P.S. - I realized I’m lazy as hell when I gave up on OkCupid because there’s just so much shit to answer. I swear, I will die alone.

[blognimica]

National Bookstore Therapy

I’ve had a pretty loaded week. A fun one. But kinda loaded.

So when I got the chance to slip away from work a little bit earlier than usual, I decided to dawdle in Mega Mall for a while. To pass the 5pm MRT Brutality.

You know what I find funny? I pass by Mega Mall everyday—to and from work. But I never really have the time or the energy to explore the entirety of that place. It’s just too fucking huge, and just knowing that there’s even a “Mega A” and “Mega B” already tires the hell out of me.

Anyway, when I got inside the mall, I got blindly lured by this store.

And no, it’s not Watson’s. (Although I will probably have another blog entry about Watson’s and the ‘Watson’s Holdap’ mehehe).

NATIONAL BOOKSTORE.

Mega Mall’s National Bookstore is really something out of my crafter pipe dream. I dunno why and how is this branch different, but I just like it better than most National Bookstores.

Knowing myself, I’m not gonna get out of this store without buying anything, so I gave myself a spending limit of 50 Pesos. But as I approached an isle of books with a humongous red sign that read “SALE”, I quickly made a deal with the devil and the devil said: O sige, baka mga hanggang 100.

But nah, I didn’t get to pick anything from the SALE isle. Hahaha, fudge, I’m broke even for the sale section.

I took pictures of the books I wish I had the money for. To remind myself that this is why I work hard—to be able to sponsor my unhealthy book addiction. And maybe send myself to book rehab too.

I went around and wandered off in the art materials section. I tried really hard not to look at the diverse array of brushpens, but good lord their Zig assortment is really bomb. Also looked at shiny tubes of high-end acrylic paint. God, I miss art school.

At this point, I’m really proud of myself for staying calm, collected, and in full control of my urge to spend on something. But my 50 Pesos was still in my hands.

I capped off my therapeutic visit to National Bookstore with a PHP49.75 purchase. It’s a cream paper Jotter Pad that I thought I could use as a sketch book. Great deal.

[blognimica]

Ghosted

One day, a guy who ghosted me will wake up to a cold morning after his 30th birthday. His hungover head is splitting, but not as much his heart.

He will run his hands on the other side of his bed, and the sheets feel colder than ever.

As he turns around, he’ll feel a shiver crawl down his spine. Could it be the cold air? Or just his loneliness?

Nah. Neither.

It’s really that fake bloody body that I hung on his ceiling. Along with it is a tarp that reads:

HAVE A SHITTY 30th, SUCKER.

Who’s the ghost now?!

As for me, I guess I’ll still be single too.

Heck, no one will want to get tied up with a psycho.

[blognimica]

PROMPTS: Day 1

Outside the Window What’s the weather outside your window doing right now? If that’s not inspiring, what’s the weather like somewhere you wish you could be?

I’m seated by a huge window in a local café while listening to a Schuyler Fisk playlist. From here, I can see the warm light of the golden hour draping over everything, making my city look like a frame from a Nicholas Sparks movie.

There’s a bit of breeze too. Plants are swaying left and right, people are walking easy, and long-haired women are struggling to keep their hair from being blown up. 

Considering that it’s monsoon season, we’re pretty lucky to have this charmed weather today. Not outpouring. Not too humid. Not too cold. Just right.

There are honestly lots of places I want to be in. But this glorious golden hour view from this café window makes me feel content to be at home in my little town.

[blognimica]

Demise

The sadness will only settle in hours, or even days after you bid them goodbye for good.

It’ll set in when you come home to an empty house that used to be beaming with their presence. When you see their vacant chair during important moments like birthdays or christmases. And when your shuffled Spotify lands their favorite song.

Sadness is sneaky. It creeps in along the gaps of your heart’s broken pieces when you least expect it. Or when you’ve finally convinced yourself that you’re finally okay.

Nevertheless, you’ll come to terms with it. Life will keep rolling by, and time will patch up the shards of your broken parts.

But once in a while, you’ll be subtly reminded that their demise might have descended at the back of your mind, but it never really left.

Like when you wake up with a heavy heart after a vivid dream of them. Or when you find your voice still cracking every time you try to sing their favorite song.

It’s a cycle.