A Body Full of Ghosts
Why am I so, angry? What burns beneath my skin?
Why am I, falling into this Silent, Abysmal, Chasm?
What hurts so bad that i- i- —can’t speak about it? No thoughts come to mind. No words escape my lips.
Yet, this All Consuming, Sickening, Formidable fear, Envelops me. A weight, dropped upon my body.
My mouth, dry, Hands, cold. Body, trembling. i can’t feel. i can’t see. i can’t hear. i can’t move.
My breath, picks up speed. Heavy— Heaving chest— In-out-in-out. i don’t know what to do... i don’t know what to do. i can’t think... It's quicksand... Tears grow, Stinging, as they run down my cheeks. ‘I don’t want to do this anymore!’ My soul, finally, screams, Filled with total agony, I sink deeper... Memories, flood my mind, Overtaking everything I am, Returning me to places long forgotten, Things Purposefully misplaced. Panic demolishes my logic sense of time Sparks fly—
— Flash — I’m 9, Back with my parents... I’m hiding and watching my mom self harm in the bathroom. They can’t see me, but i’m begging for their attention— Their unconditional love, but it always came with conditions. — Flicker — I’m 15, i am with my group leader- Thinking, trusting... Oh, He’d never—He’s not like that. Finding out—everyone was wrong. Finding out—He would. Finding out—He is violent, and gets off on it.
— Flash — i’m 17, With my guy best friend for a movie night— He kisses me, early—unwanted— i smile uncomfortably— He apologizes, we go back to normal. Later we’re in bed watching a movie i fall asleep— — i wake up, His arm around my waist, His ‘pitched tent’ twitching against my butt, Begging for more i say no - 3 times.
Yet He persists. Things get intense and horribly unwelcome.
After— Smiling, He says, “Wow, that should have happened a while ago. Long overdue.”
In shock—hurrying to the bathroom, i look in the mirror—holding back tears. i put on my bravest face - among this trepidation... i stay the rest of the night—fighting for sleep. —I wake again, it’s morning, His hand is around my waist again, He’s cuddling me i freak. Realizing what happened and where i am— my body jolts up out of His grasp, Adrenaline surging through, begging me to run. I pack as fast as i can, my heart pounding in my ears.
I drive to my church—almost drunk driving—i can’t see bitter tears, streaming rivers down my face. Sitting in the parking lot, Crying—reaching out to my best friend—
She calls me a liar.
In disbelief, I sit frozen, the world collapsing inward, I am blind from tears.
Five hours disappear. I don’t remember going home—only that I stopped feeling.
Never to tell anyone again.
—Flash— i’m 19, My Mom, shaking on the ground—overdosed again. My Father is out of state for work—per usual. Terrified, my brother and i are forced to take care of it. Calling 911—Alarm bells screaming— Fear claws at our throats, waiting. Fire Trucks finally arrive to take Her to the hospital— i watch helplessly as Her stomach is pumped. Watch Her be inconsolable in unconsciousness— trying pull out the tube that is breathing for Her. i stay with Her, all night in the ICU. Stopping Her. Until Her arms are tied down by staff. —Flicker—back to reality—
I’m 28, Sitting in my room, Reliving every horrible moment in my life... Every moment that broke me.
A heavy grief sits upon my chest - I never got the chance to put myself back together again.
I sit here—heavy as a statue, and just as still— I continue to sink, deeper and deeper... I am a heartsick mess, in the fetal position of my mind— Will I keep going— Never to be seen again? Is there a possibility...? That I will rise— Crawl out from all this wreckage? Crawl out of my damned soul?
-Raven Blue-Bell
