It was late at night, the windows were open because we’re two broke adults who can’t afford a place with working air conditioning. After a moment of silence, our mouths began moving, speaking about a reality tv show that we’d been binge watching earlier in the day,
“This is not a good season for Nene, she’s been doing the most.”
“Yeah, well you have to remember she’s going through a divorce.” That was my response, with a soft smile on my face, I’m always ready to start an argument over this show. I could hear their eyes roll at my comment and the laughter began to force itself out of my throat.
“There’s no need for the attitude, you know I’m right.” There’s a bright laugh in return, it lights up the darkness of the room. I don’t think they know this but I’ve never been as comfortable as I am now. A space, where there are no expectations, just mundane conversations and heated reality tv debates.
“Ray, you know I love you.” I almost scoffed, of course I know, it’s one of the only things I don’t doubt. The sky is blue, grass is green, and you love me. I don’t respond, I just shuffle closer and rest my head on their chest. I could never understand how people could hate this. Hate a love so powerful that it could shut down the world. I would burn down every city, if they took this away from me. I take a deep breath, my nostrils fill with this brown sugar candle. I have the matching lotion, we’re always connected one way or another.
“I’m gonna miss you when I’m back at school.” My words push through the warm air, barely heard over the ceiling fan.
“I told you not to bring that up!” But I need to. I need to let you know that distance will never stop me from loving you. All my words feel like they are unspoken, they don’t feel coherent enough to open them up to the space. To allow you to know me for who I am, is this terrifying concept that I’m still working through. In the dark, with my head on your chest I have never been happier to experience something so many people want me to hate. To have a fire burned so deep in me that I would speak about it to even the most conservative and vile people on this Earth. Because to indulge in something so profound is exhilarating and for that I cannot thank you enough.
You lean over to click on the lamp, it douses our bodies in a warm orange glow. I can see all your movements clearly, the way your hands twist together, winding and unwinding like branches of a tree. You start to open your mouth and then pause, eyebrows furrowed. It’s clear that my “cat got your tongue” joke would not melt the tension in your body. With my head cocked to the side, I wait for you to say something.
“Are you sure this is something that you want?” Your eyes close, like it’s almost too much for you to hear my response.
“I just don’t want to feel like I’m holding you back or that I’m being too clingy. It’s very hard to read you sometimes.” The glow of the room feels suffocating, it feels like the walls are moving in. My heart wants you to read me, flip through the pages, and be enthralled by how proficient my words are.
“Uh, I’m not really sure what you mean?” In my body, my first response is annoyance. I don’t like to be uncomfortable. You sigh gently, a slow inhale that’s met with a hard exhale.
“It’s hard to be there for you, when you don’t show any emotions or tell me how you feel!” There’s a rush to your words, like you’re trying to stick them in my skin and make them permanent. I pull my head back to stare at you, almost appalled at how this conversation came to be. Maybe, I don’t need what you think I need. Maybe, I am content with how we are now.
“Look, this is something I want and I don’t think you’re being too clingy.” I silently pray to whoever is listening that my frustration isn’t noticeable, I’m not even sure why I’m upset by this. Your lips are formed in a pout, like you have more to say, more words to push over an already narrow cliff. I can see the moment where you decide not to keep the conversation going. With the excuse of tiredness, you lean forward and give me a kiss. A light peck, something neutral. It doesn’t wipe the confusion nor shame from my body. But as you twist to turn the lamp off, engulfing us in the darkness that we are so used to. Maybe I am wrong to find comfort in the night, maybe you need me in the daytime too.
Our alarm clock is the heavy sounds of the trains, shaking the city and forcing us to rise. The sun’s light casts this shine on both our skin, glowing and interconnected. You smile, big and bright, pushing my bonnet out of my eyes. When it is just us and the city awake, I have this urge to spill my most vulnerable thoughts. I whisper prayers for you in the morning, the clouds and the sky drink my words like it is gospel. They too agree, that even though you snore, you are the best part of the sun rising. When you stir and poke one eye open, a smile is the first thing that graces your face. With the sun in my eyes, and a warmth in my heart I am ready to start the day.
there was no happy ending to this story, i don’t think we knew how to read. the summer turned into fall, fall turned into winter and i wasn’t there anymore. there was no more waking up to u every day, a summer love that has been eternalized in my heart.
