"This is it. If I take one more step, I'll be further away from home I've ever been."
- Samwise Gamgee, (paraphrased since mission amnesia is real and I still shouldn't google)
Throughout my mission I've found myself referring to fictional things; no longer to escape reality, but to bring the gospel into language that others can understand. I have always had a fascination for the way fiction reflects reality, and the longer I've spent time studying the gospel, the more aware I've become on how everything in this world has a part of the divine truth in it.
This is my final email as a full-time missionary, and what a journey it has been! My first journal begins with this quote, and while not quite true distance-wise, it's been a reminder of not being afraid to step out the front door even if there is no guessing where the road will lead.
Just a warning, it's a long one. It's a personal one. It tries its hardest to make up for the departing testimony most of our group never shared. It's one of the most coherent ones I've written so far. If you feel like skipping, the contact info and other less heavy stuff is at the very end and I won't take offence (or know) if you prefer to just scroll down to there.
the final testimony, of sorts:
I believe everyone, at one point on their mission or life in general, comes to a point of time and space where they just can't go on without divine help. I was once brought down to my knees, crying unceasingly but quietly; needing to scream but desiring not to wake up my companion sleeping in the other room. I had faced the darkest doubts of my mind, didn't see any point in continuing missionary service with the weaknesses and challenges that had overwhelmed me, but - and there should always be a but - but I had the desire to trust completely in my Heavenly Father, whom I had come to know only a few years earlier. I wanted to do the right thing. I could remember what I had felt, what I had learned, what I knew to be true.
God is our Father in Heaven, in the most literal and true sense. He does love us, and He did send His Son, Jesus Christ, to live a perfect life (to be an example, a guide, a teacher) and to perform the Atonement (to give this mortal experience a chance for turning into a homecoming party instead of a foolish endeavour). He sent His Spirit, the Holy Ghost, to teach us the truth of both the Father and the Son, how they are two perfected, glorified Beings with an infinite capacity to love and forgive. God sent prophets to teach by the Spirit in the times of old, just as He does today, and He never, ever, wanted to cease speaking to His children by the means of revelation - we just stopped listening.
That night, in the darkness of both the room and my own mind, I finally listened. I had come to a point of either giving up and going home, or continuing to serve despite not seeing it leading to nothing but more heart-ache and disaster. I had wept and prayed for a long while, and then I finally stood still, listening. Feeling, as unnatural as that was for me at the time, the comfort and support and infinite love sent to me by the Spirit, from the Father who never gives up on anyone.
I made a promise to serve faithfully and to my best ability to the very end. I have done my best to keep that promise, as far as my imperfections have let me. I have stumbled over many things, and will continue to disappoint myself time and time again, but at least today's view on these months is one of no regrets.
// the end of the final testimony, of sorts
This is it - the final email as a full-time missionary, the last packing up my stuff, the last days with my Saviour's name visibly pinned on my chest. The last days of constant shadows (all my love to all my companions who had to live with me and my need to just be quiet), of missionary dress-code, of only listening to Mo-Tab...
This is not, however, the final day to serve Him. This is not the end. I will, as far as my imperfections let me, be an instrument in God's hands for as long as He needs me to. The greatest happiness, after all, is found in the service of Him and thus in the service of other beings.
Don't get me wrong - I am ready and willing to move on from being a full-time missionary. There are things in my future I need to start walking towards to instead of running away from; a life to live as a daughter of God with potential that can be reached only by living in the world, even if never fully in it.
This is it - the plea for all of you who know what I know (and even to you who might yet have no clue), the plea to always be willing to kick some sense in me if I ever, ever begin to hesitate to live what I've taught for the past 18 months.
This is it - the thank you with no words to truly describe my gratitude for all the support, prayers, stern words and encouragement you've given me, intentionally or unintentionally. Thank you for the mail, the email, the phone calls, the prayers, the thoughts, the laughs, the tears, the shared moments of miracles and disappointments and all in between.
Thank you.
With sincere love and respect for you all,
Never hesitate to contact me, whether we served around each other for many transfers or maybe just barely met in passing in one the All Scotland Conferences. Even if you've only followed this strange and possibly very foreign journey of mine through these emails or entries or however you came in contact with them and never actually even figured out who this girl is, please don't think I won't be interested in hearing from you.
God loves you even though He knows you perfectly, so I probably will as well, if you give me a little bit of time to get to know you first. Or better.
Truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come.- Doctrine & Covenants 93:24
