When Lance was young, really really little, he fell in love with stories.
His mother would squish up beside him in his twin bed, an arm curled around his back in a way that was somehow secure and cozy at the same time. Back then, they both could fit on that rickety bed with no problem, the star stickers in his room always glowing softly above them in the dim light. Maria would pull a book from his nightstand and flip it open to whichever chapter they were currently on.
“Do you remember what happened last time?” She’d ask, a manicured nail pressed gently to the big header with its number displayed in bold. He always remembered.
Then, without further preamble, she’d begin. Looking back, Lance wasn’t sure which was more captivating: Maria, doing all the voices with the dedication of a professional, or the words, which spun in mountains and rivers and battles and life and death above their heads. He drank it in greedily, and always begged for another page when she reached the chapter’s end.
“It’s time for you to sleep, my heart,” she’d laugh, tucking him in tightly so he couldn’t think to break free and read ahead.
Then, years later, Lance discovered the joy of reading himself. A book in his hands felt heavy, somehow, filled with endless possibilities and disappointments. Most of all, it felt like an escape. A door.
A long, long day of poring over math that made no sense meant an even longer afternoon spent sifting through fantastic images of dragons and magic.
A bad run-in with a bully who called him “stupid” and his ears “freakish” meant eagerly delving into a world of detectives fighting crime and wishing he had their long, dramatic jackets. He wanted that armor.
A fight between him and Rachel meant exploring the deep reaches of space in a book, adventuring across galaxies and planets, which of course led to him discovering the Garrison and Shiro.
Books took him everywhere that his life could not. They made him into a person he could never be. Even if his mother begged him to leave them at home—Lance, you shouldn’t read at the restaurant—he just couldn’t help it. Within those pages, Lance could be anything: a pirate burying treasure to be lost forever, a swordsman dedicated to his craft, a prince rescuing his kingdom from evil. Lance could be bigger than himself. A hero, even.
Maybe it was silly. Rachel definitely thought so, despite the fact that she consumed endless romance books. One time, she called him a nerd, and they wrestled until Maria had to force them apart.
“Lance,” she told him, her hands comforting and sure on his shoulders as they always were. “You’ve always been a dreamer. Don’t listen to your sister; she’s just teasing.”
So Lance kept dreaming. He dreamt so hard and so much that he somehow landed a spot at the Garrison, and sure, cargo pilot wasn’t ideal, but that made him an underdog. All heroes were underdogs at some point. At night, after ritualistic humiliation and failure in front of Iverson’s eyes, there were always the books to remind him what he fought for, why he kept waking up.
They promised more every time.
And when Lance sat in Blue, he thought, this is more. This is what it means to be chosen.
War was not like his fantasies. Or perhaps, Lance wasn’t like his imagination. Darkness crept in quickly, wrapped its tendrils around his ankles and tugged down, down, down. He did not hail their victories for long, not when he knew their cost and sacrifices.
Do you feel like a hero, now? A voice taunted him as he lit a fire in a Galra ship’s engine room.
Do you feel like a hero, now? A child screamed as he walked into their cabin, her hands reddened and blistered from some enemy gas.
Do you feel like a hero, Lance?
It’d be better if he couldn’t feel at all. The pressing shame. The constant fear. The homesickness and loneliness and heartache.
And, when he could admit it to himself, the disappointment. That this wasn’t what he’d expected. That he could have been made for a greater purpose. If anything, he felt more like a cog in a machine than a man.
He was right about one thing, as a kid: Shiro was a hero. And so was Keith, his ever-faithful loyal shadow, following right in his footsteps.
Now, though, Lance couldn’t keep pretending. Maybe he was a hero, in some other life, in some other pages. In this story, though?
He’d be lucky if he made it to the glorious, shining end.