Bluenote

I need a getaway, not running away from myself but dealing with my depression. Join my journey to travelling abroad.

[bluenoteishere]

Tired of Whining

Today marks a significant day in our relationship, as I’m officially tired of talking some sense into you. You still got that attitude that you think you are the only person who feels vulnerable and unloved. On the contrary it is exactly how I feel right now. Why do I always have to be the responsible one? Why do I always have to make plans when you fail at your part? I tried to be supportive. I tried to be understanding. I tried to be the bigger person. But it is never enough. It is a big hole to fill and maybe I am not capable. I’m done. I respect you but I need to respect myself when no one is. What the life will be I have no clue. But I am done whining. I am done being considerate. I am done doing the best I can. My efforts are useless at this point and I am very tired.  Toronto is my choice but its a better choice. I do know that and I am willing to give that to you. Now it seems out of questions. We seem to be off track. Its time to re-pace and re-think about this relationship. Was I too rush into making this shit happen? Was I not ready for this ? I don’t know. It is actually really sad that i think this way and it can stay like this for awhile. Who knows”? I can be really selfish and it seems the way to go now as nothing pays off at this point. Shit happened and I happened.   We don’t have money and we know that. I’m willing to save money in order to make it work. But are you? You said you want this one minute and the other the very next second. I can’t do this. I am tired of being in this shit. I’m tired of advising you when it is never enough. I fuck this shit. You can be a happy you and I want to be a happy me. If staying together isn’t going to make me happy, then why bother. I have a family. I have a life ahead of me. I have responsibilities. I have choices. I have me. If you are better off without me. Just go. I don’t want to live like this. Being here frustrates me. To survive in Toronto, I know what it takes. Do you? You want so many things but you do so little to make it happen. You are fragile. You are a child. Please just not be you for a minute and be more like me. Don’t ever say shit like you can’t change. You can’t do better. To me its all excuses. Act responsibly and be proud of it. I’m proud of who I am and I am happy that I stay this way. If you can’t deal with it. It’s better to end things early. It really annoys me when you think you are the only one being hurt. I am hurt. I am angry. I am done.  I can settle anywhere. You said you are fed up. I found a way to escape for both of us. You did what? Seriously what have you done to make things happen for us except whining, asking for support, asking for money, asking for comforts. Has it ever occurred to you that I am tired. I have my own shit. I manage to pull everything together without being whining, being sad, being fed up. You grow up. If we can’t be better together, why bother. Don’t hold me down. Plan your own plans and stick it through. You are not smart at all. You are a nagging bitch who wants attention, security and money but do nothing to make it happen. If you want more money, work harder, complain less. We are in this together. If we aren’t, why bother.  From now on, I will not say a word which I think it will mean something. Its really tiring to do this shit when all you care about is your pity self. Just care less and be more selfish. Think about the future I can have. Think about the success on the way. If you are not in the bigger picture, you will not exist. Time is ticking and almost up. Sad Sad, its not even 3 months. Time to change. Time to stop.  When I do not care about you, I will not even bother to complain or talk. Bye whining me, Welcome calm me. !

[bluenoteishere]

Live choice

It's scary how songs take you back in time, take you to the moments you didn't think they exited. It's almost like you relive the moment, relive the moments you wish they didn't exist. Why can't we stay pure, stay in the moment that we are truly happy, stay at where we really belong. It's been almost one year that I'm in Shanghai. I'm learning but is it really worth it ? Should I stay for the money and opportunities? Am i better off somewhere else ? I don't know. I really don't know. I want to provide , I want to be the help that my family needs. But how about me ? London to Shanghai , so unplanned. Now I have my doubts. I'm scared that I will be stuck here forever. Shanghai isn't for me. It's exciting and everything but I don't feel I belong. I took my step here but now I don't know. I want to have a car to drive around, a house I can call home, neighbours I can say hi to, city that is friendly and clean. Shanghai is nothing but contrary. I know I can't go back home where opportunities don't exist. I know I love London but living is questionable. I know us might be the place but I am afraid to start over.

[bluenoteishere]

Despise

It’s ridiculous to still hear things about you. Well it’s never good news. Just when you thought someone could not get more desperate, you “again” proved it wrong. I don’t know what happened to you but it literally made me sick to my stomach when I heard about that little affair. Obviously you’ve changed. Changed to someone even yourself would despise. Him? really? Him? It’s ironic to think about it. It was his bday, you came to your realization. I truly wish nothing but the best to you but if you don’t respect yourself, even GOD can’t help.

[bluenoteishere]

The world keeps spinning around

High hopes by Kodaline

[bluenoteishere]

Insecurity

Time just flew by. The school is over and dissertation begins. Being in London is probably the best decision I’ve made for myself. I went travelling, exploring and most importantly meeting new people out of my comfort zone. I met you. You gave me courage, motivation, confidence, faith and pureness. I can’t help but think if it is the end, or should be the end. Going back home? I know exactly what would happen. I’d fall into the same path and hang out with the old gang. But if I go with you, I’m not confident in this relationship. Maybe one day you will walk away and leave me stranded. I do not know if it is worth the risk. Why can’t you just let me feel secure. I do not ask much because I’m not in the position to, but I’m selfish. I want you just be here, be patient, be giving. 

[bluenoteishere]

Can we live in a world where we can happily see people succeed?

#quote

[bluenoteishere]

It's scary that I still remember how I felt

#personal

[bluenoteishere]

The worst cop

On August 17 at 7:10am, we were pulled over by a female police near the duty free on the way to our Seattle day trip. She ran out of no where to stop our car and instructed us to park to the right. When we got there there was already a car in front of us. It looked like it was pulled over as well and being fined by another male police. She told us that we were driving at 110km, 80km over the 30km speed zone. We clearly remembered that we were travelling around 50km per hour. We apologized and said we didn't see the speed limit. She was being rude and asked us to hand over my mother's driver's license and car key. When she came back after 10mins and told us " you could've killed somebody and she will impound our car for 7 days, and we should not dispute the ticket". We apologized again and told her " my mother is a housewife and has a very clean driving record. We've planned this family day trip for a while and asked her if she could let us keep the car and continue our journey". She rudely interrupted and said" you do not want to have this conversation with me and your taxi is on the way". She asked us to leave the car and asked us to wait for the taxi at the visitor information centre. She didn't revoke my mother's driver's license and didn't provide speed reading. During this whole process, there were at least 2 more cars being pulled over by her and the other male police. We were the only car being impounded. We spent 80 dollars on taxi and 250 dollars to rent a car for the next 9 days.

[bluenoteishere]

Live for myself

What defines myself is what I do , not what I think. I need to be more selfish and think about what’s good for me. The past is past. It motivates me not defines me. I’m grateful of what I have. Today might not be perfect but there is something good in every day.

[bluenoteishere]

Shut Up

If you can't put yourself in someone's shoes, the least you could do is to shut up and stop making uninformed commentary on things you don't understand. No one asked your opinions and honestly no one cares about what you have to say. It's not your life! I expect more from a good friend. Being supportive isn't that hard.

[bluenoteishere]

Receiving the offer package in mail is just way more awesome than reading it online. It feels OFFICIAL!

[bluenoteishere]

King's College London

Got accepted to King’s. It was totally unexpected due to competitive nature of London universities. The master is only a year so it makes a lot more sense to stay in London where I get to experience so much more than a campus university. London here I come. Can’t wait to pack my bags and get out of here.

[bluenoteishere]

Your thoughts become your reality

Law of attraction

[bluenoteishere]

Do all breakups need to be deceitful?

Face it the only reason people break up is that they don’t love each other enough to maintain the relationship anymore. But why is it so hard to be honest and tell your ex-loved one the truth? Truth hurts but betrayal is much worse. You don’t belong to anyone but yourself, so it’s perfectly fine that you want to love somebody else. But why do people always choose to lie about it? I really don’t understand the logic behind it. If lying makes you feel better, feel less guilty, then I applaud your acting. If lying helps get pity, I think it’s pathetic. Time heals any wounds, but it can’t change people’s perceptions of you. What determines you as a person is really how well you handle breakups.

[bluenoteishere]

I came across oil pulling videos on youtube today and it sounded fascinating. Basically oil pulling is an age-old remedy that uses natural substances to clean and detoxify teeth and gums. It has several added benefits, such as whitening teeth, promoting healthier gum, and removing harmful bacteria.

I have extremely sensitive teeth, so I decided to give it a go and see if it actually helps. All you need to do is to use any oil of your choice and pour a teaspoon in your mouth and start swishing for about 20 minutes daily. Make sure you spit it out afterwards, because while you are swishing the oil becomes toxic. 

[bluenoteishere]

A Change Needed in Life

I hated 2013 with a passion, so I promised myself 2014 would be the best year of my life. I decided to invest in myself by taking my education further. By traveling and studying in a different country, I’d hope to really think about the next steps, experience, and escape from my current depression.

Got my offer from the University of Warwick, England a few days ago. Now the hard part begins. I must figure out the finances, so I don’t crash it.