“If you kill me I will become more dead than you can possibly imagine.”
“Magic is fucking stupid you gotta be a dork to use it.”
“If you’re in the woods in the middle of the night and you hear like a child saying ‘oh somebody please help me!’, you don’t help them! It’s not the right tone for that!”
“The only type of love I know how to show is tough love.”
“I CAST…. “Stop being mean to me”!”
“Can you two STOP MENTIONING MY CURSE?”
“Everyone says awkward things on dates.”
“Dancing in the graveyard? He’s a… necro-dancer.”
“All that effort… and yet somehow you still couldn’t win.”
“Fight me you nerd-ass punk!”
“At least try to act sophisticated when you threaten someone.”
“I once had a ouija board that just summoned bees every time you touched it.”
“Dost thou wish to engage in a duel, my good bitch?”
“Promise me you won’t fall in love with me.”
“Okay, here are the ground rules: you can punch me, kick me, pull my hair. I am a-ok being stabbed. Biting and scratching are on the table. You can use fire.”
“It haunts me. It haunts my dreams.”
“I have a lot of pent-up trauma.”
“Why does this always happen? We were just supposed to get bread.”
“I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together. What could you possibly be plotting? You can’t even get out the open window.”
“They are just a menace.”
“Okay, but what if I seduce the dragon?”
“I don’t have trauma. It’s all just… the wizard’s curse.”
“You come into my home uninvited and tell me how I should arrange my furniture?”
“Oh you think you’re so fancy with all your spells.”
“I may be cringe, but you’re mean. And that’s worse.”
“I’ll be honest, kitten. The amulet is driving me insane.”
“I don’t use mathematics or statistics or calculation or anything at all like that. Because I can’t do it. So I just hope for the best.”
“The mage I’m seeing gave me these hickies… turns out he’s a neck-romancer.”
“Sorry for making you fall in love with me because of my awesome vibe and kissable lips.”
“I’d love to stay and chat, but the prophecy foretold some absolute bullshit.”
“It’s important to have at least one friend who’s equally as out of touch as you are.”
“I think they lied on their resume. Like the rest of us.”
“Yeah… that’s still murder, bud.”
“Why is it always ‘hey let’s grab a cup of coffee’ and not ‘hey let’s reunite the shards before Gorlac opens the Shadow Gate.’”
“He’s got the Shadow Stone. I don’t think you understand what’s happening here.”
“I’m talking about magic. Turn you into a frog type shit.”
“You ever just want sweet, milky beans?”
“We need to talk about the fireball spell.”
“You are definitely not going to beat this man.”
“Sorry I’m late. The troll that blocks my driveway had harder riddles than usual today.”
“No ice spells. No frost spells. Look at my wrist. That’s the ice right there.”
“They reveal their HP from the jump. What the hell?”
“You speak to me like you’re my friend, but I don’t see a friend when I look into your eyes.”
“I’m pretty sure that chalice is filled with human blood.”
“You don’t give bards last words. What were you thinking?”
“Let me put my tome down.”
“Sneak into their house at 4am - which statistically speaking is the hour people are least prepared to defend themselves, and then–”
“Since when did a staff do the work? When did the staff do the studying?”
“I’m a heroine addict. I can’t get enough of strong, beautiful ladies.”
“You fireballed and found out.”
“I smell like a sweater made out of meat.”
“I might bite you but it’s worth it for the thrill of my presence.”
“I think you’re overreacting.”
“This is a crime. And I hate crime.”
“I’m a creepy little guy.”
“You can’t just collapse and die because you don’t wanna do something, buddy.”
“I know. We all wish we could do that. But we can’t. Because of society.”
“Have you seen some missing villagers?”
“There’s no way this book is cursed.”
“I feel I was denied critical, need-to-know information.”
“You ever see a tiefling get dropped and come back up? Me neither.”
“I will summon your daddy.”
“Sure it grants invisibility but it… it’s bagpipes.”
“If you’re going to make a rude comment, just say it with your whole fucking chest. Own it.”
“I have to sell my soul at the crossroads at midnight.”