Blurry Notes

high off life, drinking coffee & writing..

[aurawinterflower]

So therefore I dedicate myself to myself.

[whiskeywrites]

There’s whiskey & it’s the weekend. 

Via: The Old Try

[whiskeywrites]

When the kiss of death is mistaken for love.

[blurrynotes]

“I sit here

drunk now.

I am

a series of

small victories

and large defeats

and I am as

amazed

as any other

that

I have gotten

from there to

here

without committing murder

or being

murdered;

without

having ended up in the

madhouse.

as I drink alone

again tonight

my soul despite all the past

agony

thanks all the gods

who were not

there

for me

then.”

― Charles Bukowski, The People Look Like Flowers At Last

[blurrynotes]

somehow..

somehow.. between the days and the nights the dark and the light the rain and the sun through stormy paths and bumpy roads I breathe

somehow between the breeze in the beach the sun in the spring sleepless nights in empty bars in empty streets memories left behind in a drunken past falling and fading without ever ending as the the leaves from the fall hit the ground I step on flying and fading away from these winter walls that keep me cold and blue in my own igloo still breathing

somehow torn between destroying or saving myself torn between the drugs the alcohol the clouds of smoke waiting looking for new colors to paint the picture more vivid pulse hasn’t departure I’m still breathing

somehow as the days go by without leaving a mark without leaving a trace I felt so fulfilled back then back when I didn’t have anything but this silence in me the years in the abyss makes me feel the emptiness I didn’t existed from the beginning

somehow between sleepless nights hangover cries despite the vertigos in my head besides the mixtures in my veins drinking the pain away just to paint the picture a little more vivid check my heart rate I think I’m still breathing

blurry nights in different city lights reviewing in retrospective reflecting on my perspective when did I become this attentive at remembering the nights when I was aiming for the incentive to forget about myself drown myself in empty bottles looking for a escape beyond these winter walls check my heart rate it’s cold and blue like an igloo but somehow I am still breathing

rainy days and coffee cups bonfires and empty bottles of wine attempting to warm up bottomless addictions In a sea of self-inflicted wounds I wouldn’t believe it If i told myself that I’ve made it somehow from there to here

somehow despite the voices in my head the dragons in my way the burned bridges left behind lighting up the night noting every step of the way to see the magic someday to feel okay somewhere sitting in a bench and say “somehow.. I’ve made it from there to here I survived it all in my own battlefield”

check on my pulse still there still torn still breathing somehow..

[blurrynotes]

It doesn’t count as Hell if you like it how it burns.
Heaven can wait.

[blurrynotes]

Continue to fly

without looking back

without turning back

with no precise destination in mind

just fly & don’t stop..

[blurrynotes]

gravitatin'

there was nowhere to go but everywhere and anywhere but here like I’m trapped by gravity there was nowhere to run to but there was always that need to escape from this and the only thing that felt real was that premeditation moment before swallowing down the pills gravitatin’ through the space..

[blurrynotes]

a flowing journey

In my flowing journey flowing with the flow flowing continuously with life patiently observing in a stream of endless discoveries allowing the flowering process occur letting the flowers grow day by day enduring through the darkest nights as everything in nature organically on its own

time passing the clock still ticking it never stops I look at my dog with his serene look in his eyes I wonder if animals perception of space and time is any different from ours and how does it differ? living on the same frequency

there’s a vast amount of universal lessons these fuzzy animals can teach you their capacities to live and love transcends human comprehension

I often look for life clues in these fuzzy creatures in empty bottles in fake kisses in temporary loves abandoned souls wandering hollow hearts dying for each other promising love in exchange for some saving without even knowing that their hearts have been dead since the beginning as if we had lost the capacity to love as if all our hearts do now is pump blood

but each new face represents a new world each new page each new line represents a new door into the infinite wherever this takes me I never know where it will take me

I live my life like I write I live my life like a symphony at different lines simultaneously beautifully chaotic a bit melancholic but always melodic open to the infinite notes all the time

accepting each experience as I go endless discoveries always come with the flow captain of my ship flowing on this journey exploring the mysteries unveiling the secrets of the sea of life escaping the ordinary transcending the ordinary eyes wide open but I don’t feel like a tourist they travel for pleasure they travel to escape from themselves they go to the beach and drink themselves to sleep the only thing they feel is the cold breeze because their eyes are too blind to see the worldly miracles we fail to recognize

I don’t live for pleasure I live for it all the drama, the tragedy the monstrosities and the melodies I aim to live a life full of pleasure in everything I do where I don’t have to escape from anything wherever I go whatever I am wherever I am I always stand lone wolf on deserted land with nowhere to go but everywhere and I meet the impact all I know is it won’t leave me intact but I don’t resist it at all I accept it all the highs and lows tuning my life to a melody living on different notes as I flow with the flow of life

rhythm, rhythm, rhythm..

[blurrynotes]

read and write

read and write because the answers can't be found in a blank piece of paper. all the books in the world may not hold the answers but you can find some clues if you read between the lines..

[blurrynotes]

a flowing journey

In my flowing journey flowing with the flow flowing continuously with life patiently observing in a stream of endless discoveries allowing the flowering process occur letting the flowers grow day by day enduring through the darkest nights as everything in nature organically on its own

time passing the clock still ticking it never stops I look at my dog with his serene look in his eyes I wonder if animals perception of space and time is any different from ours and how does it differ? living on the same frequency

there’s a vast amount of universal lessons these fuzzy animals can teach you their capacities to live and love transcends human comprehension

I often look for life clues in these fuzzy creatures in empty bottles in fake kisses in temporary loves abandoned souls wandering hollow hearts dying for each other promising love in exchange for some saving without even knowing that their hearts have been dead since the beginning as if we had lost the capacity to love as if all our hearts do now is pump blood

but each new face represents a new world each new page each new line represents a new door into the infinite wherever this takes me I never know where it will take me

I live my life like I write I live my life like a symphony at different lines simultaneously beautifully chaotic a bit melancholic but always melodic open to the infinite notes all the time

accepting each experience as I go endless discoveries always come with the flow captain of my ship flowing on this journey exploring the mysteries unveiling the secrets of the sea of life escaping the ordinary transcending the ordinary eyes wide open but I don’t feel like a tourist they travel for pleasure they travel to escape from themselves they go to the beach and drink themselves to sleep the only thing they feel is the cold breeze because their eyes are too blind to see the worldly miracles we fail to recognize

I don’t live for pleasure I live for it all the drama, the tragedy the monstrosities and the melodies I aim to live a life full of pleasure in everything I do where I don’t have to escape from anything wherever I go whatever I am wherever I am I always stand lone wolf on deserted land with nowhere to go but everywhere and I meet the impact all I know is it won’t leave me intact but I don’t resist it at all I accept it all the highs and lows tuning my life to a melody living on different notes as I flow with the flow of life

rhythm, rhythm, rhythm..

[blurrynotes]

giving in
to badness 
not on purpose 
just the usual 
old ways, same habits 
smoking heavy 
trying to soothe my edges 
bad substances in misuse 
abusing all this madness 
in self denial of the badness- 
the natural self 
the natural me 
but still giving in 
to badness 
by pretending 
one is good..

[quotemadness]

I have a deeply hidden and inarticulate desire for something beyond the daily life.

Virginia Woolf (via quotemadness)

[blurrynotes]

the danger of the flier

first day at work today old job come back new faces new job eyes behind shades driving down the road turning up The Doors breaking through the riders on the storms masses on wheels I want to pop me a pill same old scenarios new times I must say but still the same old place I must say I'm ill but I must pretend but I hate to revisit Cause I find myself feeling in the same old place I want to find myself in different places explore the world meet different faces even if I find myself lost I'll be numb anyway anything anyday just to escape the same old place there's a bluebird in my heart I can hear it singing a little ticking ticking like a clock under my shirt I can hear my bluebird sing but I keep it underneath pour some whiskey smoke some more I say I know you're there trapped in a cage but don't be sad get some little bravery get your feelings down fly to the voluptuousness of distance to the remoteness of the bird extend your wings and fly further aloft the great distances to see more under it- the danger of the flier moving on regardless..

[blurrynotes]

something more serious than "feeling blue" may be going on..

[blurrynotes]

On Writing

I like my writing how I like my life-chaotic nothing formal nothing predictable I prefer a more realistic representation of this life that I’m living- messy all over the place but real at least that's what it seems..

[blurrynotes]

February 24

I tried to disengage at 1:57 am take a step back for a moment unplug.. figure out my path figure out my life drinking every now and then smoking- sometimes- all the time most the time slowly losing perception of reality losing perception of time slowly but it came like a flash sleepless nights sleepless weeks when sleep is often the only escape to unplug from facing the same faces from facing the same daily things trying to find escapes in small things that I blow into smoke disappearing, as I go as I walk through the hell that I'm living but those moments took time they took days sometimes weeks whiskey months to warm our bones even years it almost feels like an anniversary since I said "I'll quit tomorrow" next week next month next year feeling trapped by gravity in this black hole I cannot escape trying to hear myself better but can't turn off these voices in my head the lights go out and out I go walking into the lightless winter night freezing bones burning bridges lighting up the night and never turning back expect to watch it all burn behind us As I look upon the sky look! a shooting star burning, burning, burning through the dark sky disappearing in a moment in this vast nothingness I step back for a moment unplug for a moment still stay in this battlefield escaping beyond these walls still one way or another every now and then as I ask this nothingness surrounding me where has all of this gone? and what's next..