so what are you waiting for?

someone could love you more. i'm just a [ lost ] boy. not ready to be found.

[blveveins-blog]

unwiinds:

when delainey looked back at her relationships, she always looked back with a bitter taste in her mouth. she was always the one who loved too hard, who held too tightly. the situation between ryn and herself had been no different. she was convinced that she’d been too invested in the relationship, and often wondered if ryn ever really felt the same. sometimes, when she’d look into the other female’s eyes, she’d see it. ryn cared for her. then there were other times where she’d see an angry person who didn’t know how to love. currently, delainey could only see a memory, a shell of the girl she’d fallen in love with. “work? what kind of work?” the brunette asked, head tilted to the side. this was the last place she wanted to run into ryn. they were in public, and granted, this aisle was empty, but that could easily change. out of habit, delainey reached into ryn’s cart and took a couple of the bottles out before putting them in her own cart without speaking. “writing. work. not sleeping, you know – nothing out of the ordinary,” she chewed on her lesser lip, trying to work out the questions she had, but all that ended up coming out was, “are you okay?”

perhaps it was true that ryn didn’t know how to love anyone. it had been a common complaint most of her life. she was okay in the beginning, she could charm people but when it came down for the other person to actually catch feelings ryn was probably already gone. but if ryn was going to be honest with herself she had known that lainey was different, because she stayed longer than she was supposed to. because ryn was like clockwork, she knew herself way too well to know when it was time for her to leave. ryn was cold, and she could be heartless, and often times incredibly angry, but she had felt everything so deeply, that sometimes she didn’t know what to do with it. and she knew that it was selfish of her to get into relationships with people and not promise to give them anything back. watching her take bottles out she had eyed her and looked away, trying to keep her cool. she was a bit of a mess lately but she had to get through this week, and then she would be doing an underground tournament and be able to pay this weeks rent with the money that she got for winning -- because she knew that she would win. “right,” ryn said with a nod of the head, she didn’t sleep her. it was rare that ryn got a good amount of sleep though she knew that lainey was a bit different. “yeah,” she said with a nod, “i’m fine.”

[blveveins-blog]

unwiinds:

his eyes followed the cookie that went into chase’s mouth, longing to actually taste a food and not want to spit it out immediately. “i do want to eat that though,” he cooed, squeezing chase’s hand gently. “do you know bow long i’ll be like this? like – like a shell of myself? i feel like i’m me, but turned down to 20%. maybe even lower,” he wiped a bit of sweat from his hair line and leaned into chase, allowing himself to curl into the boy. things had changed for sure. with it being just the two of them at home, gage found it pretty easy to be his true self, which wasn’t nearly as broody as he used to be. chase brought out a side of him that he didn’t even know existed. “can we nap? or go somewhere with less… lights,” he squinted, but looked up at chase and placed a tiny kiss to chase’s dimple. “i feel like a newborn. is this what it’s like when you fly out of the pussy?” 

chase didn’t know how to really act. he had gone through a lot of heartache himself, watching this happen before him. there would be nights when gage was curled up on his side and sometimes- sometimes chase would curl up on his side opposite of him and he would look out the window of the city. it wasn’t london- but it was enough. and he was struggling for the term home and what it meant to him, because a home was a person for him, and when that person was feeling down or having a bad night of just constant sweating and not being able to hold anything down it put chase’s mental health into a tailspin. he missed his brother. he missed his mom. the other day someone had come into the bakery and he was the only male working at the time, he had wore this pale pink jumper, and his hair was unreasonably curly, but he had a bright smile, and chase wasn’t the kind of guy to just exude his sexuality, but when the man wasn’t getting his way he had heard the word, ‘fag’ whispered under his breath and it had caught chase off guard, it had brought him back to a long time ago, when kids would say that word to him all the time, or to his brother because they didn’t understand the gratification of words they say and how much power that comes when saying them. he had been keeping that within himself, and he looked down at what he was wearing now, it was just a black jumper, nothing to it, and he thought for a second that maybe- he just should just stop trying to be different and just be normal. and blend in. when gage was having a bad day it was sometimes easy to forget his own problems, and sometimes he was thankful for that. “i mean, you put a lot of shit into your body, so now you have to detox from all of that, so of course the road to recovery won’t be easy. i hear that it’s the first couple of months that are the hardest- and then you’ll realize why did you ever even start in the first place. just know that even though you’re feeling it now it’s better than being dead,” chase put all the things away now and was placing them in the fridge and he nodded. “yeah, we can nap or just lay in the bed with the lights off and the curtains blocking the sun,”

[blveveins-blog]

unwiinds:

“you’re going to need about…” he jokingly put four fingers up. “four cookies to get the entire length and girth. i’ll let you eat those though,” gage teased, elbowing the other boy playfully. he’d recently taken up residence in chase’s apartment, as it was drug-free and wasn’t littered with triggers. his mother had contacted him a few times, and that had ended in gage’s phone shattered in the bedroom, but it was better that way. “sorry, chase. i’m really trying. it’s just… my stomach, my head… i know i’m kind of a bummer right now, but i’m trying really hard.” 

“well that’s reaching a little,” he said with a playful roll of the eye. he grabbed one of the cookies and ate one, he hadn’t eaten all day due to work and he was too lazy to actually make something so he was thinking about ordering in. it was an odd thing to think about them living together now- which he didn’t mind, it was just different. he wasn’t used to it. but it was nice being able to wake up to gage every day. “hey, it’s fine,” he grabbed his hand and held it against his chest. “you take your time. food can wait,” he smiled sweetly at the boy, running a hand through the boy’s hair. 

[blveveins-blog]

unwiinds:

as nauseous as gage was feeling, he couldn’t turn down the dimpled boy with a cookie sheet in his hand. “i – yeah, let’s decorate,” he flashed chase an uneasy smile and stood up from the couch. “can i make one with your face on it? just a lot of dark curls,” he slid over to chase, placing an arm around his waist as they peered at the cookies. “i probably won’t eat any though, or at least, not now…”

chase didn’t know how to help, but he was trying his best anyway. he smiled as sweet as he could at him, patting his arm and giving a gentle squeeze, “sure, if you want, i’m gonna try and draw your dick with the frosting so,” he gave him a cheeky wink and took the frosting out of the fridge. “that’s okay, we can save them for later,”

[blveveins-blog]

escxpekey:

it feels almost as if malia is living in a state of permanent dreaming. she hadn’t expected any of this to happen when she’d gotten involved with davey — even when she’d fallen in love with him, she’d convinced herself it was foolish to hope for anything more than what he gave her, which admittedly wasn’t much back then. she feels as if she needs to pinch herself because surely she has to wake up from this — their lives actually have a sense of normality, there’s been no fights so far tonight and they haven’t been kicked out of anywhere which is an achievement in itself. they had their own apartment, which had to be both the most normal and shocking thing for the two of them. they almost resembled a normal couple, if that were possible. she was feeling the effects of the drinks that they’d already had and it’s nice, surprising even, that she feels relaxed. she doesn’t have to be on guard tonight. her forehead rests gently on his and she allows herself a moment to just enjoy it, soak in the moment for what it is, before she finally speaks. “hey,” she murmurs, although she can’t even be certain he can hear her. “are you doing okay?” 

he didn’t feel normal a lot of the time, there were demons that still got the better part of him, and that paranoia would always be there. because that was his life growing up. he had seen and done things that would haunt him until he died, but he was trying to be normal for malia, because of all that they went through she deserved that, and he wanted that for himself too. the boy who thought he didn’t deserve anything wanted just one thing. the sense of normality. there were parts of him that wished that his mom could see him now, and see the progress that he had made with himself, and perhaps she could have died in peace knowing that her son had tried. the music is loud and it’s blaring and though he’s had a lot to drink it hasn’t really hit him yet but he can feel it, if only for a little. when she spoke up he nodded his head, “yeah. i’m good.” i’m great. he thought, taking another swig of the drink, watching as people came and went out of the club, and watched as people tried to hook up with girls and either get rejected or see them walk away hand in hand, he rested a hand on her thigh and gave her a gentle squeeze. “are you good?” he thought again for another moment, “this is the most normal thing we’ve done,”

[blveveins-blog]

escxpekey:

on his bad days, mikey wakes up feeling nothing. on those days, he holes up in his apartment — too afraid to see hayley, even for short periods of time. he already has to live with the regrets of the past, he doesn’t want to add to that. on his good days, mikey feels optimistic. it’s an odd feeling, although not unwelcome, and it comes as no surprise to him that he usually feels it when he’s around hayley. she’s always brought out the best in him — the worst too, in the past, there’s no denying that no matter how much he wants to. he still feels on edge occasionally, scared that something could happen to trigger one of his moods but he’s learning to control it as best as he can. they’re babysitting tonight, which wouldn’t have been top of the list of things mikey would want to do, but benji is an undeniably cute kid and he knows he owes his brother. a lot. more than he’s willing to admit. “what do you mean, he can’t see it?” he doubts it’s going to scar him for life, hell the movie isn’t all that scary in his opinion, but hayley is a force to be reckoned with, especially when it comes to benji. “it’s not my fault you’re a baby when it comes to horrors,” he pauses, lips tugging into a half smile. “don’t hide behind the excuse that benji can’t watch it because you’re too afraid.” he grumbles playfully under his breath, grabbing his own bowl of mac and cheese. “you can’t really go wrong with mac n cheese.” 

hayley has learned the art of patience. it’s a skill she never had until meeting mikey. though it seemed pretty accurate- the fact that she had learned something other than just falling in love, which was slow, thoughtful, and new. and that’s what this mikey was. new. different. flecks of the old mikey had shown through from time to time but hayley loved all the versions of mikey in any and every universe. she looks at him from the table, benji looking between the two before he breaks out into a cheeky grin and laughs. hayley bends down to kiss his forehead. “tell him, no scary movie, uncle mikey,” which he attempts to say before digging into his mac n cheese. “i’m not a baby, excuse me,” she sticks her tongue out at him but reaches over to grab his hand and give it a squeeze before letting go. she wasn’t used to giving much physical affection- it was never really their thing, but sometimes she had gotten the urge to just want to touch him because he was here and he was real and there was no place else that she’d rather be. “what’s our second movie option?”

[blveveins-blog]

@unwiinds

“so i figured i’d try and bake some cookies since it’s been raining nonstop lately,” chase had grabbed the oven mitt’s and ducked his head to see if they were ready. the timer had gone off with a ding, he smiled and grabbed them delicately and placing them on the counter. “we can decorate them if you want, the stuff is in the fridge,”

[blveveins-blog]

@escxpekey

there were a lot of bad days, and there were a lot of good days when it came to davey. he was about as up and down as you could get, and he knew that in some ways that had to do with his disorder, but as he was keeping to his promise and trying his best, he had decided to get back on his medications again, and it evened his moods out a bit. tonight had been great so far, they hadn’t been kicked out of a bar or club yet, which was successful in their eyes. though they both were quite the loud couple whenever they had come to a new place, and most knew both of them by now to know that they didn’t mean trouble, but they were trouble. it was a well needed night after moving furniture all day in their new apartment. it was nice to be able to do just some.... mundane things for a while. though sometimes it got to be a bit hard for the boy who couldn’t keep up with his thoughts half the time. davey had gotten their next round of drinks and slid it to malia, his arm had swung around hers and they cheered, while seeming to chug the remaining of their drinks. his mind was a bit foggy as it was late, and malia had never looked more beautiful, a thought that came often but was hardly spoken due to the fact that for the longest time he never spoke his feelings in fear of rejection or getting hurt. but with his hand on her neck he pulled her closer and their foreheads touched, and he was yes intoxicated but he was also in love. “hey,” he said, not much to it other than just wanting to talk to her. 

[blveveins-blog]

@escxpekey

it was a process, to say the least, after everything that hayley and mikey had been through it was a process of getting to know each other again. but it was done over small touches, a hand to hold, and sometimes the needed distance with the hope of coming back. tonight they were babysitting benji, maddy and finn needed a night off and hayley had volunteered to babysit. right now she was cooking mac n cheese for benji who seemed to like to detest everything hayley had already tried to make or offer. in hayley’s mind it was playing house for the future kid she probably wouldn’t ever have, but benji came close and it was good enough for her. “you like mac n cheese,” she said when he kept yelling no, she made a face at him. “what’s wrong with mac n cheese?” when he couldn’t think of anything she tugged his ear a little bit. “he can’t see that movie, he’s too young,” hayley said looking at the DVD that mikey was holding up, her eyes widening at the title. “plus you’ve already subjected me to that and i don’t know if my stomach can handle it.” she’d flip him off if only benji didn’t pick up everything that the two of them did when watching him. when the mac n cheese was done hayley had grabbed three bowls and sat down next to benji and started to feed him. “if it tastes bad i tried. i don’t cook.” 

[blveveins-blog]

eternvals:

dex is sitting at his desk, sleep still littering his eyes, as was clearly evident from the slight bags under his eyes. slumped over his keyboard, he’s frantically searching for the files he’d saved the night before, tapping his foot impatiently. his attention is diverted towards a smaller hand bringing a cup of coffee towards his desk and he immediately lets a smile grace his features as he looks up at hayley. “haven’t you learned not to drive in new york? i mean, it took me a while but…i just take the subway. i live in midtown so it’s not that bad.” as soon as he clicked print on the file, he pushed himself off his chair and onto his feet, eyeing the girl’s equipment warily. “i would ask if you need help but it looks like you’ve got it all figured out.” out of pure instinct, he moved towards her as she sat down, resting her head on her desk and he rubbed at her shoulders lightly. “c’mon, hayley. don’t stress. i live stressed out 24/7 and let me tell you — it doesn’t do anything for you. like, seriously, i call theo once a day screaming over deadlines that seem impossible to reach. we got lucky we’re paired up for this article though. i’m pretty sure if i was forced to work with randall one more time, i would’ve choked him with my bare hands.”

hayley doesn’t sleep much, or often. her days are longer, she can get more done, she supposes it’s called the city that never sleeps for a reason and she’s one of them. she has lots of photos to edit, and due dates to reach depending on the client and when they need them. photography is the only stable thing in hayley’s life and the thought of it becoming a chore terrifies her, but work wasn’t supposed to be fun and she knows that. but her few hours of sleep aren’t doing much for her. her adopted dads worry for her, whenever she stops sleeping they know it’s getting bad again but she’s the kind of girl to try hard to not let the slight disturbance get to her, because she was strong and she was tough- but she was also a very tired girl. she wasn’t expecting any favour, but with his hands on her shoulders in the most tense spots drew a noise out of her because it had been a long time since she had been touched and it was a sensitive area since there was a lot of stress on the girl. it was always a weird thing- she constantly lived in a stressed situation. if it wasn’t for the different foster homes that she was kicked out, it was a girl’s home, and then juvie once but she was wrongly convicted and protecting herself. doing actual grown up work was proving to be different than the foster homes, but that part of her life was behind her, but sometimes it still hindered her. “i tell randall to fuck off about every friday at the same time when i go to  make copies or get another cup of coffee,” she chuckles slightly, shaking her head. “how’s theo?” she aks getting back to work, she’s never actual met the guy- but he seems to be a big part of dex’s life and subconsciously, hayley wants to know about what makes dex- well, dex. 

[blveveins-blog]

eternvals:

kennedy hadn’t been to a literal party in what felt like years. after graduation and moving to a new city and becoming an actual teacher, the girl had put her crazy antics behind her. it was hard for her to seriously sit down and have a drink with anyone that wasn’t a glass of moscato wine. some of the friends she’d made at work had dragged her out to some party, begging her to come by and talk to people, introduce herself. honestly, kennedy knew that everyone just wanted to pair her off with someone and while the gesture was relatively nice, it wasn’t really her scene. tugging anxiously at her cardigan, kennedy excused herself from some super tall blonde guy ( honestly, he was probably actually a model ) and wandered over towards a corner, letting out a shaky breath. her palms were sweaty, her stomach was churning and she could feel her nerves bubbling just underneath the surface. maybe coming out tonight had been a bad idea. however, as she leaned against the wall, she realized she wasn’t alone. looking over at a taller male, she offered him a small smile before taking a sip of her beer in a weak attempt to calm her nerves. “not really into parties either?”

noah didn’t have much going for him, in hindsight he probably should have left a while ago, but since he didn’t necessarily want to go back to his flat he decided to wait it out until the end. he could pass the time, though he wasn’t exactly sure what to pass the time with. he didn’t want to get too drunk, but a nice beer buzz wouldn’t be so bad. unlike his father, he tried hard not to drink too much, but then again, noah was the kind of guy to always be in control even when he wasn’t in control. whenever he got too drunk, stepped over that line a little too much, he always knew what he needed to do to get back to that solid middle. he still needed to drink water, so he would. he still needed to find his keys getting back to his apartment, so he did. he needed to change into his pj’s, which were laid out on the floor because he couldn’t be bothered to do anything else. he was good at keeping in control even if his body betrayed him. he thinks it’s the years of trauma that was laid on him at a young age, being able to dodge pots and pans and bottles thrown at him made him never want to be that drunk where you mistake your child for target practice or a war. he thought about this in the middle of a party before someone had broken his internal conflict and external silence. he smiled at the girl, raising his beer slightly, taking a sip of it. “wish i could say i came for the free alcohol, but i provided most of it,” he chuckles, his fingers tapping against the glass. “i like parties enough, they’re no great gatsby kind of parties, but it’s alright for now. not like the kind back in high school. you dragged here too?”

[blveveins-blog]

@despcrados

noah was always the guy that people called for when it came to parties, at least for mixing drinks. maybe that was all that he was good at. he didn’t know. it was another party, and he had supplied with some of the good expensive stuff, though it came with a price, which was mainly free food. rent was coming up quick and he basically lived off tips, but when you work in a bar full of drunk people that can barely remember to pay for the tab, he knew that the tips weren’t exactly coming in hot. but tonight was a favour for a friend, and noah was loyal above anything else. when it started to settle down he had grabbed himself a beer and then walked off to a corner to just people watch for a while. it wasn’t crazy, not like in high school when it was loud and noisy, he supposed that it was a sure sign that he was growing up, and as you grew up the parties got smaller and more intimate. he nodded his head and smiled to a few people that he knew casually but he didn’t talk much. it wasn’t that he was scared, he just really didn’t know what exactly to say. he wasn’t like most people here -- he didn’t even go to college, and he barely graduated high school. he was just a bartender and he felt as if everyone else knew it. 

[blveveins-blog]

@despcrados

hayley’s mornings are usually rushed, with the new york city traffic and having to carry all of her photography equipment, it’s never an easy feat. by the time she gets to the office she sets dex’s now probably cold cup of coffee on the table and she lets out a deep sigh. “after living here for a while you’d think i’d understand rush hour,” she sets her equipment up, getting ready for the day, she has to edit pictures and take more pictures for their project that they’re working on together, truthfully, it was one of the reasons why it was bearable because out of all the people dex seemed to be the only one that she could actually handle. the other people on the job annoyed hayley and she knew that it wasn’t their fault, but sometimes her impatience got the better part of her for being a girl that’s used to doing things alone. when her tripod was set up she placed the camera on top and then she sat down on one of the spinning chairs and laid her head on the desk so she could catch her breath, her eyes peering up at dex’s for a moment before sitting back up, turning the computer on. and then, she waited. 

[danhowellgifs]

[blveveins-blog]

illuminctes:

when delainey looked back at her relationships, she always looked back with a bitter taste in her mouth. she was always the one who loved too hard, who held too tightly. the situation between ryn and herself had been no different. she was convinced that she’d been too invested in the relationship, and often wondered if ryn ever really felt the same. sometimes, when she’d look into the other female’s eyes, she’d see it. ryn cared for her. then there were other times where she’d see an angry person who didn’t know how to love. currently, delainey could only see a memory, a shell of the girl she’d fallen in love with. “work? what kind of work?” the brunette asked, head tilted to the side. this was the last place she wanted to run into ryn. they were in public, and granted, this aisle was empty, but that could easily change. out of habit, delainey reached into ryn’s cart and took a couple of the bottles out before putting them in her own cart without speaking. “writing. work. not sleeping, you know – nothing out of the ordinary,” she chewed on her lesser lip, trying to work out the questions she had, but all that ended up coming out was, “are you okay?”

ryn didn’t know how to feel half of the time. it was always a problem when it came to relationship. but then again her longest had been delainey and that perhaps was something that was quite remarkable. growing up in the foster care system was tough because it made you tough and you didn’t get close to people. yet somehow this girl in front of her had snuck into her heart and had stayed there until inevitably ryn fucked it up. and she fucked it up hard. she chose fighting over love, if they were war and peace she didn’t even have to guess what each side they’d both be on. ryn was a hard soul to love, and she fucked it up bigger and better every time. but now they were in a grocery store and there was a lot to be said of why ryn just disappeared. but she needed the money to get her a stable life. she didn’t go to college like many of her classmates did. she instead dedicated her life to her sport. she was a dangerous woman if you got on her bad side or if she was having a withdrawal from her lexapro or whatever it was that kept her together. “i work as a boxing trainer for kids with anger issues,” she said, among other things, that was true but she also did stuff underground. she listened to delainey, it had been a while since she heard her voice but she tried not to dwell on it. “i’m fine. are you?”

[blveveins-blog]

illuminctes:

after a particularly long night, gage was reeling. the day before, he’d spent most of his time with the needle. chase had been with his brother, and to be frank, gage didn’t have that many friends. they normally took off once they saw how bad off he was. it’d be an understatement to say that gage was withdrawing. no – he was losing it. no heroin, no cocaine, not even a hit from the bong. he was going cold turkey, and it was all because that bitch roxanne just couldn’t leave him be. so what had he done? why, what any logical person would do. he camped out on chase’s porch. perhaps it seemed odd, but the male was covered in sweat, head pounding profusely, and his stomach was in knots. he’d vomited into the garbage can by the house three or four times – he’d lost count. 

perhaps he would be showing a vulnerable side to chase, one he’d hidden their entire relationship. gage had always been macho and reeked of male bravado. he never wanted to show his weaknesses. however, when he was upstairs in his bedroom going through this impossible withdrawal by himself, he realized a particularly stirring fact. gage did not want to be alone. he wanted chase, and he didn’t just want his presence. he wanted soft kisses from his forehead to his neck, spooning, hand-holding, quiet whispers and stories told – he wanted chase and he couldn’t even begin to describe that feeling, so he sat on chase’s porch, attempting to keep himself from nodding out – waiting for his return.

chase had a long day with his brother. they were catching up, his aunt had left them alone for a while and it was always interesting, spending time with his brother because there isn’t anything that he wouldn’t do for him. though, his brother had his outbursts, he was used to that, it was different, in the winter it seemed to be hell on both of them. it always dragged a lot longer than the other seasons. the snow had began to fall not too long ago, the cold days were stretched longer, and chase found himself in some sort of slump. he hadn’t drawn anything in ages, he just went to his two jobs, and school, and hung out with gage when he could but he wasn’t doing too well mentally and he knew that was because his mother died in january. and it was coming soon with no guard rails in tact to help him from falling off the ledge when the anniversary date came round. 

when he said bye to his brother he had begun his trek back home. he didn’t know what he wanted to do today. maybe go to sleep. have an early night in. when he got on the bus he plugged his earbuds into his telephone and stayed on the bus for thirty minutes until it dropped him off at his apartment, he was on the second floor, and he had noticed a familiar figure. after the drama of michael and roxanne coming back into their lives they had constantly been walking on eggshells with each other, but they weren’t necessarily mad at each other, it was just... delicate. he had quickly walked up the stairs, wrapping his denim jacket close to his body like a hug since it was freezing out and called out to gage. “what are you standing out here in the cold for you idiot,” chase said walking towards him, grabbing him by the forearm and unlocking his doors as quickly as he could. “what happened?”

[sunshineandfeelingfine]