I'm not a convert but I wasn't raised Jewish bc it got kind of buried in my family so no one knew until recently. I am Ashkenazi and Mizrahi. I have anxiety and a few other mental illnesses and when I contact a rabbi when I start going to synagogue (once I'm at college I'll be able to go) I'm very nervous about going for the first time. What if everyone can tell I wasn't raised Jewish? I'm not good with people and it can be very hard to look people in the eye sometimes... Continued
Continued.. What if people think it’s weird if I get so nervous I can’t make eye contact? What if I make a fool of myself bc my anxiety gets too high? I really want to practice Judaism but I’m just nervous that since I don’t know everything yet what if I do or say something wrong? I just want to do everything right. I don’t want to make a bad first impression. Sometimes when I get too anxious I can seem kind of rude and unresponsive but that’s just bc I’m trying to keep myself together
First off, here’s a little guide I wrote that might help you with some of the “what do I do” stuff.
Secondly, give yourself permission to chill. I had a friend tell me that once when I was getting worked up over a career event–I was frustrated with them because I thought that meant they didn’t think it was serious, and they replied “If you keep building up this one thing into the most important thing you ever do, you’ll be a nervous vibrating chihuahua person and that will do you no favors. It’s important, but it’s not that important. Give yourself permission to chill.”
Remind yourself–if your first visit is awkward or uncomfortable, that doesn’t mean you can never go there again. Your second visit might be better, or your fifth. Maybe a different synagogue will be a different fit. A rabbi will never drive you out of a synagogue for being nervous or withdrawn. They only ever want to draw people in.
Thirdly, there’s not really one “right” way to act in a synagogue. It’s perfectly okay to enter quietly and sit in the back, and leave right when the service is over. (“Adon Olam” is usually the last prayer, and usually people will be talking more, taking their prayer shawls off, etc., so it’s pretty easy to tell when it’s over.) If someone is trying to be chatty and you’re not comfortable, you can always smile, give short answers, and then look really interested in your prayer book or what the rabbi is saying. If getting used to the environment is a step you need to take before getting used to the people, that is perfectly fine.
I’m not going to lie, I’ve felt awkward and out of place in synagogues before, and I’ve had people treat me awkwardly. I’ve also been met with overwhelming kindness. And the thing is, you are not the first person to discover that they’re Jewish late in life, or to visit a synagogue for the first time in their late teens/early 20s. I mean, I would say it’s almost an American Jewish tradition to have no idea what the hell to do in a synagogue. Especially college students; my college’s Jewish Community was packed with people who had never really paid attention to their (grand)parents’ rituals and were now just learning how to do all the stuff they had taken for granted.
If you have any specific questions, feel free to send them in. In the meantime, here’s a brief list of “wrong” things to do, so you know what to avoid:
if someone offers you an aliyah or an honor, it’s okay to say “no, thank you.” (which I would actually recommend–if you have to participate more in services, there are more things that have to be done a certain way, so it’s much less nerve-wracking to watch and learn at first.)
if for whatever reason you find yourself carrying a Torah, don’t drop it (you probably won’t find yourself carrying a Torah)
if you drop a prayer book, kiss the cover or the spine when you pick it up
don’t turn your back to the Torah when it’s removed from the ark; you’ll see, as it’s carried around the synagogue people will turn to face it
if there’s a meal afterwards with challah and wine/grape juice, wait until the blessings are said to eat or drink
that’s pretty much all I can think of off the top of my head. I hope this has been somewhat helpful