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My rabbi invited me over to her house for my first Seder tomorrow. What an I supposed to wear?

I'm sorry this is late--I was away from my computer for most of the day and my phone was having trouble connecting to the internet. In any case, there is no universal custom for Passover attire. I would try and wear something similar to what you would wear in your community on Shabbat to gauge the formality.

I'm not a convert but I wasn't raised Jewish bc it got kind of buried in my family so no one knew until recently. I am Ashkenazi and Mizrahi. I have anxiety and a few other mental illnesses and when I contact a rabbi when I start going to synagogue (once I'm at college I'll be able to go) I'm very nervous about going for the first time. What if everyone can tell I wasn't raised Jewish? I'm not good with people and it can be very hard to look people in the eye sometimes... Continued

Continued.. What if people think it’s weird if I get so nervous I can’t make eye contact? What if I make a fool of myself bc my anxiety gets too high? I really want to practice Judaism but I’m just nervous that since I don’t know everything yet what if I do or say something wrong? I just want to do everything right. I don’t want to make a bad first impression. Sometimes when I get too anxious I can seem kind of rude and unresponsive but that’s just bc I’m trying to keep myself together

First off, here’s a little guide I wrote that might help you with some of the “what do I do” stuff.

Secondly, give yourself permission to chill. I had a friend tell me that once when I was getting worked up over a career event–I was frustrated with them because I thought that meant they didn’t think it was serious, and they replied “If you keep building up this one thing into the most important thing you ever do, you’ll be a nervous vibrating chihuahua person and that will do you no favors. It’s important, but it’s not that important. Give yourself permission to chill.”

Remind yourself–if your first visit is awkward or uncomfortable, that doesn’t mean you can never go there again. Your second visit might be better, or your fifth. Maybe a different synagogue will be a different fit. A rabbi will never drive you out of a synagogue for being nervous or withdrawn. They only ever want to draw people in.

Thirdly, there’s not really one “right” way to act in a synagogue. It’s perfectly okay to enter quietly and sit in the back, and leave right when the service is over. (“Adon Olam” is usually the last prayer, and usually people will be talking more, taking their prayer shawls off, etc., so it’s pretty easy to tell when it’s over.) If someone is trying to be chatty and you’re not comfortable, you can always smile, give short answers, and then look really interested in your prayer book or what the rabbi is saying. If getting used to the environment is a step you need to take before getting used to the people, that is perfectly fine.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve felt awkward and out of place in synagogues before, and I’ve had people treat me awkwardly. I’ve also been met with overwhelming kindness. And the thing is, you are not the first person to discover that they’re Jewish late in life, or to visit a synagogue for the first time in their late teens/early 20s. I mean, I would say it’s almost an American Jewish tradition to have no idea what the hell to do in a synagogue. Especially college students; my college’s Jewish Community was packed with people who had never really paid attention to their (grand)parents’ rituals and were now just learning how to do all the stuff they had taken for granted.

If you have any specific questions, feel free to send them in. In the meantime, here’s a brief list of “wrong” things to do, so you know what to avoid:

if someone offers you an aliyah or an honor, it’s okay to say “no, thank you.” (which I would actually recommend–if you have to participate more in services, there are more things that have to be done a certain way, so it’s much less nerve-wracking to watch and learn at first.)

if for whatever reason you find yourself carrying a Torah, don’t drop it (you probably won’t find yourself carrying a Torah)

if you drop a prayer book, kiss the cover or the spine when you pick it up

don’t turn your back to the Torah when it’s removed from the ark; you’ll see, as it’s carried around the synagogue people will turn to face it

if there’s a meal afterwards with challah and wine/grape juice, wait until the blessings are said to eat or drink

that’s pretty much all I can think of off the top of my head. I hope this has been somewhat helpful

I'm picking my Hebrew name after my conversion and I'm considering the name Anan (which means "cloud" in Hebrew) but I'm wondering if it's allowed to have name of elements (like water, sky, rainbow, tree, etc.) instead of biblical names or should I stick to them?

There are definitely popular Hebrew names that are element/nature based. When I visited Israel, some of the Israelis I met were named Gal (wave), Ayelet (gazelle), and Lior (my light), all of which are very popular, and it’s becoming more common for those Israeli-influenced names to be used by other Jews as well. But you should check with a rabbi, because Anan isn’t really used as a name and rabbis might dissuade you from using it for that reason. To make a comparison--an English-speaking American wouldn’t think much of someone named Willow or Brooke, but Ocean or Mountain or Arugula might raise some eyebrows.

And let me extend my deepest sympathy, because picking a proper Hebrew name is a chore and a half. So much so that I changed mine again a year after converting.

I've been researching judaism for months now and I have basically decided that I want to convert, but I'm 14. I've kind of resigned myself to the fact that it's going to be 4 years before I can even start the process, but I was just wondering: is there any particular reason that a minor can't convert, or is it more because of the workload involved and how difficult it would be to take on in high school? is it both?

Here is a previous response I gave to a similar question.

I’ll also add that it’s not technically impossible for minors to convert to Judaism, but in almost all cases that I know of, it involves minors whose parents are Jewish or who are converting to Judaism. And while they are considered Jewish, they are given the opportunity to reject the conversion before assuming the full weight of Jewish responsibilities.

I’m afraid that this answer is going to sound patronizing. I apologize for that. I recognize that people of all ages can be smart, thoughtful, and mature, and should have autonomy over their own lives.

But it’s also true that a 14-year-old is not an adult and does not have the same emotional maturity or reasoning ability as an adult. That’s not in any way an insult, it’s just a basic fact--I hardly recognize my fourteen year old self in who I am today, and I think most people will agree with that. There’s a reason that both Jewish and secular law distinguishes between children and adults.

Judaism is massive and complex and my own relationship to it now is constantly shifting, and at fourteen I wouldn’t have been able to engage with it on the same level that I did when I began the conversion process six years later. There are some aspects that are inappropriate for a child; there are some that, to an adolescent mind, would appear black and white when they demand much more nuance; there are some that will mean little to you now when you’re still figuring out who you are and what you want (which, I guarantee you, will undergo at least two major shifts before you become a legal adult), that will mean the world to you once you’re more independent. And according to Jewish law, conversion requires acceptance (and, therefore, understanding) of the commandments, and a minor is legally incapable of making that commitment.

When a minor converts to Judaism because their parents are converting, it’s a different situation. The parents take on the legal obligation to ensure that the child observes Jewish law; therefore, they and their rabbi can ensure that the minor receives a Jewish education that is the appropriate level for their age, without trying to immediately embroil them in discussion of the finer points of Talmud.

I don’t think it’s ever a bad thing to consult a rabbi. In particular, this is an issue that’s not much written about, and most resources that discussion the conversion of minors presume that it’s being done by converting parents or interfaith families. But that’s my answer to your question.

I don't have any answer for the anon because I don't know their country/langage, and but written test are a thing for orthodox convertion student in mine. It's a 3 hours test with something like 300 questions about the history of the jewish people, the calendar, the kashrut, shabbat, etc. Then you wait two months for the results and if their good you can meet the beit din. @anon you shouldn't worry about that tho bc it's for people who have aleady been studying with a rabbi for at least a year

That’s... even more intense than I thought it was. Okay, there you go.

And yeah, this answer also underlies a point I didn’t think to make in the original response, which is that there’s no guarantee that any amount of individual study will expedite the conversion process, because even most Conservative (and many Reform) rabbis want people to study with them for at least a year to get a real feel for the rhythm of the Jewish year, and to cover a lot of the emotional and cultural stuff that happens when you’re really in the process. So don’t worry about learning EVERYTHING now, because no matter what you’ll have time to fill in the gaps.

Hey! I'd like to know if there any online website where I could take a similar test to the ones that candidates to convertion have to take as a "final step" JUST to see how well/bad I am in terms of understanding Judaism and its basic berachot, mitzvot, etc. I'm willing to convert (and I've been considering this for the last seven years) but I haven't found any synagogue near my city, so I've been studying but myself, but I'd like to measure what information I still don't manage. Thank you!

I don’t know if there is such a website because I don’t know if there is such a test. There are many different methods of conversion (I know Orthodox ones are more stringent than my Conservative conversion, and I also worked one-on-one with a rabbi instead of with a class), but from what I know, your sponsoring rabbi usually judges your knowledge based more on conversations with you. The meeting with the beit din certainly goes over many different aspects of Judaism, but it’s not so much a quiz as an exploration of your relationship to Judaism and the Jewish community.

The questions I got were very open-ended--what drew you to Judaism in the first place, what’s one thing you like about it now, what do you think about this community’s custom, etc. When I gave specific answers, they pressed me for more details--like, I said one thing that drew me to Judaism was the ethics and the focus on justice, and I went on to talk about particular aspects of the law and of the prophetic writings, and a lot of “stuff you should know before converting” did come up, but that’s not really the kind of test you’re talking about.

It seems ridiculous to say “you’ll have to ask a rabbi what it would be like” when you mentioned specifically that you haven’t been able to find them, but it really is one of those things that varies based on the rabbi’s preference. If anyone who had a more structured experience could reblog and perhaps provide the kind of resources anon asked about, feel free.

olgu-nii said:

Please, please tell me your rabbi said 'I am totes cool with you doing you, yo' and did finger guns at you.

okay, at the time I was very touched by his kind and measured response, but now I’m disappointed.

#my rabbi's a dork but I've never seen him do finger guns #ah well

I mean, the Jewish community I attend to is really close-minded (sorry, English is not my first language) and well, that's the only JCC in my area, so I guess I'll be lucky to find one whenever I move to another country (because I live in an homophobic country) so what you said gives me hope. Thank you so much! You made my day, because there's a possibility I will be accepted someday. Have a nice day :)

I’m glad my answer was helpful! And I’m sorry for my North American-centric answer. It’s my understanding that “Masorti” is more common outside of North America instead of “Conservative,” so that’s just where my mind went. But yeah, I’ve heard from other people on this blog who have issues with converting in other countries because the movements aren’t the same, lack of synagogues, et, so you have my best wishes!

What do you think about a lesbian wanting to convert (to conservative Judaism)? I'm asking because that's my case, and my community is very close-minded so I try to have only male friends so they can think I'm interested in them, but I'm dying inside. I much rather to be a Jew and give up any future relationship I could have with a woman than being a gentile and yet not being accepted by G-d. Do you think I should still convert? Do you think Jews will accept me some day?

A Conservative synagogue that does not accept lesbian members is very much an anomaly in this day and age; the American branch of the movement unanimously approved same-sex marriage in 2012 (and had previously spoken against discrimination, welcomed LGBT members, and approved LGBT rabbis, although not as enthusiastically as the 2012 decision, but hey, times changed). Reform and Reconstructionist synagogues also welcome LGBT people, while the Orthodox response(s) are more complicated.

So yes, I wholeheartedly think you should pursue conversion if you feel that’s right for you, and that you will be able to find acceptance in the Jewish community. Looking back at your message, I’m not sure if you mean your local Jewish community is close-minded or your local gentile community. If it’s the latter, I would encourage you to poke around your synagogue before writing it off; I understand not wanting to out yourself to a rabbi right away, but you can check Keshet’s synagogue guide, look for inclusive language on the website, or possibly see if there are any posters or flyers at the synagogue that indicate it’s a welcoming community.

If it’s the former you mean, then I’m very sorry that’s your main connection to Judaism, because like I said, it’s not standard. But most likely you would be able at some point to move to a different community that is more welcoming, because they definitely exist. To be fair, I live in a fairly liberal area already, but my rabbi performed his first lesbian commitment ceremony in 1994. So trust me, there are Conservative Jews who would be happy to have you.

edit: also, like, I’m gay too. in case that wasn’t clear. and yeah, my rabbi was totes cool with it.

#lgbt jews #answered

Good afternoon! I've been reading about Judaism and Jewish life every day for a few months now, and I'm really considering getting in touch with a rabbi to talk about learning in a more directed way. However, I'm struggling with how unfamiliar it all seems. As a religion, the teachings make more sense to me than anything else ever has, but because I've not been raised in a Jewish environment, it feels very strange and I don't understand synagogue protocol. Is this something I can work through?

Yes, that is absolutely something you can work through--I would even say it’s sort of an integral part of the whole conversion experience. It’s important to know a lot about Judaism, but it’s also important to DO Judaism. If you don’t do it, then you won’t really feel Jewish. Right now, you’ve started to increase your knowledge, and the guided conversion process will also involve a lot of action: communal prayer, home and synagogue rituals, holiday observance. As you practice them, they’ll become familiar.

I’ve told this story on this blog before, but I’ll tell it again. When I went to my first service, my number one source of confusion was how everyone around me knew when to say random words or lines that weren’t specifically designated as “congregation says” in my little transliteration book. But, maybe six months after I started the conversion process, I went to a Holocaust Remembrance event where a rabbi recited Kaddish, and I found myself replying automatically along with all the other Jews in the crowd. I didn’t even notice I was doing so until I saw my gentile friends looking around, wondering why everyone knew what to say. Over time, those unwritten rules of Jewish protocol had become instinct for me.

So yeah. Trust me, things will come naturally once you begin the process in earnest.

To the genderqueer prospective convert asking about having to take a Hebrew name: if part of your concern is about gendered names (which I dunno if it is!) there are some Hebrew names that are considered male in some groups and female in others, making them less gendered. I did that with my Hebrew name because my English name is so gendered.

1. Hey! I would like to convert to Judaism, and I would like to do it as soon as possible. I live in Norway but there are only two Synagogues here, one in the capital and one in the north (sadly, I don't live in either of those places). I'm currently studying medicine in Poland and it's possible to have a Progressive/Reform conversion here. They offer classes and give homework. However, the problem is that I'm studying medicine.

2. They write clearly that they have expectations and that converts have obligations, which I totally understand and I am ready to take those on. I'm worried I won't manage to both the conversion and medschool at the same time. Should I wait? I've considered talking with the Rabbi responsible for the classes, but I have to admit that I'm a little scared that I will look silly and not committet. Any help/advice you could offer is very much appreciated.

It's always worth talking to the rabbi in question. People do convert while in school, but whether or not you can do it in your particular situation depends on your workload, the intensity of the conversion process in your area, and the rabbi's willingness to make any necessary accommodations. Rabbis understand that converting is a difficult process, and not everyone who begins finishes at all; it's far better to take one's time than to try and stick to a tight schedule only to find that you're unprepared or even unwilling to go before a beit din. Make it clear from the beginning that you have concerns, and communicate openly with your teacher/sponsoring rabbi throughout the process, and you shouldn't have any problems.

keshetchai

If you’re converting reform (or I guess want a really basic reform booklet) I once bought this little booklet used, and I really like it: Reform Judaism: A Jewish Way of Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0881259004/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_BU4FybK335C0J

It’s written for a specific congregation but it’s like 86 pages, and has very concise introductions to topics like life cycle, the Jewish year, a general Shabbat service overview, and then it has some very basic prayers in Hebrew with transliteration and translation. it’s super cheap used and it’s pretty small, so you could easily slip it into a purse or backpack.

#resources #books

RCA giyur le'chumra anon: my initial ask was published with some delay, so updates so far are that after the second meeting I started mandatory classes (my beit din offers structured classes), and after very few classes the Rabbis decided that I should just take the final exam because I was advanced enough and the classes didn't make sense, so I took the test. The head of the beit din called me to tell me personally how my results were one of the best in the history of the program [1/3]

[2/3] and it's funny because it's a test that they offer for people who are ready to finish their giyur, after a 2-year program (mandatory minimum in my beit din for those with no Jewish background). And I took it after 3 weeks of wait, not learning anything in the classes because they were so basic and dreading coming to the next classes. I was saying my tefillot so hard, hoping I'd never have to go back. And now I don't. I'll still undergo further tests and reviews with a Rabbi to ensure that

[3/3] my understanding of all areas of Jewish life is as good as I demonstrated in the exam (which was in and by itself very extensive and very long, taking several hours to write with no breaks). I almost cried when the Rabbi said that we're looking at a "very short timeline" for the giyur. This feels really good, since me undergoing the process is to remove all and any safek on my lineage — but of course, to me I'm already Jewish as I was raised with a Jewish identity. Thanks for 'listening'.

(this ask was also published with some delay because I was out of the country--but I’m happy to hear that things are going well! good luck on the rest of your process)

Hello! I have been wondering, my believe in G-d is often very nebulous, changing from day to day. Most days though I think of them as good incarnate and/or creation. From what I've read this is pretty in line with some Jewish thought, however it seems like most people are more strict about prospective convert's interpretations of g-d. do most Rabbi's require converts to believe g-d is a literal being in order for them to convert to Judaism?

I’ve been answering a lot of questions with “ask a rabbi” lately. I feel bad. But... it’s hard to answer this without saying “ask your rabbi.”

Normally I would try and give a longer answer, but from your phrasing it sounds like you’ve read enough to know exactly what I know; I don’t know what “most” rabbis think because no one has really done a survey of rabbi’s opinions on converts. We’re sort of limited to extrapolating a guess based on their writings about Judaism in general and conversion in general.

So. Try. Talk to a rabbi, and then maybe a second or a third. I would recommend emailing them to set up a meeting and bringing it up in the meeting, as opposed to an email, so you can have a more nuanced conversation about it. Rabbis are nice, and will probably be sympathetic. When you say “more strict,” I think that’s more about atheism. Most movements are more accepting of born-Jewish atheists than potential-convert atheists, but having an abstract conception of G!d is different.

this might be a long shot but: I am a prospective convert and my past issues with religious focused OCD obsessions has held me back from starting the process.(these were about a past religion I have since stopped believing/practicing) I was wondering if you/any of your followers have had similar issues before and still successfully converted/continue living a Jewish life? Just learning about Judaism brings me comfort but I worry about OCD ruining it..? idk :/

Publishing in case anyone else can help!

I would also say this is definitely something worth talking to a rabbi about. I can understand it might be comforting to talk directly to people who have the same experiences, but if you’re looking for a more practical “yes, it’s possible”/“no, it’s impossible” answer, the only one who can give you that is a rabbi. And I would guess that the majority of rabbis would lean much closer to the “yes” or at least “let’s try it and see how it works out” side of things. This PDF collects Jewish sources related to OCD, and universally the instinct is to understand, include, and demonstrate compassion, rather than to exclude or shame. You might also be interested in this article, in which and Orthodox woman discusses her own struggle with intrusive thoughts concerning religions other than Judaism. As far as I know she’s not a convert, but there is precedence.

transconverts

A Blog for Trans Converts...

Soo I’ve been wanting to make a blog like this for a while but felt it was best til I had my mikveh and all, and now that that is about 2 weeks behind me, here it is!

As the description and about say, this blog is for anyone who has converted, is in the process of converting, or is thinking about converting to Judaism and identifies in some way as not cis (trans/nb) or as gender non-conforming.

Please feel free to submit articles or stories, ask questions, recommend things, etc! The only thing I ask people to keep in mind is that as of right now, I’m the only one running the blog and I’m not a rabbi. All questions that get deep into your personal journey may need to be directed to a/your rabbi, but you can still ask if you’re not sure who can be answering your question!

Also a note: cis folks who aren’t questioning their gender and people who are not Jewish/not converting can all definitely still follow.

#trans jews #this is awesome!

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