You knew you'd disappoint me, but did it anyways. You say you felt bad for disappointing me, yet the fact that you did, meant you decided it was okay to diaappoint me. Just as you always have. You never want to disappoint others, but you're okay with disappointing me. You've always been the least afraid of my disappointment. At first you were upset that I didn't trust your decision. Now you want forgiveness. But for me, you've shown me who you are. I need to mourn our relationship--both for what it is and what it never was.
I am no longer going to overcompensate by being the one to initiate companionship, intimacy, or shared joy--when you don't care to unless you're feeling bad. I will no longer lie to myself that I just need to build more positive moments for you in ordee for you to cherish me. You'll use me for happiness when you're alone or bored, but it won't make you more interested in me, and it won't make you want to spend any labor on helping me when I'm struggling. I will no longer tell myself it's okay if you don't help me; you're just tired, or that you contribute in other ways, ir need more praise for when you do actually do something. I will no longer tell myself you feel sorry and will try harder next time; you will always revert back your old ways. I will no longer waste myself on hoping.
I used to be heartbroken that you were mostly just frustrated and annoyed with me for being sad; seeing my cry didn't make you want to wipe my tears or comfort me; it didn't make you want to prevent me from ever crying again; you were simply exasperated and irrittated. Instead of worrying about whether or not you cared about me, I should have cared aboit me. I should have allowed myself to feel sad, and given myself space and time for that. I didn't do it then, but I'll do it now. I used to focus on trying to reward you for effort--so you would keep on trying. Now, I'll focus on what the outcome of my effort was. With you, that outcome was: zero. No change. No matter how much you complain that I didn't notice your effort, I get to focus on the fact that I didn't feel any meaningful change.
Today, you asked to cuddle me. You never do. You only asked cuz I was upset and you wanted to smooth things over. I hate when gestures of affection don't come from affection. I did not indulge you.
So you asked to talk. You wanted to make me feel better so you could feel less guilty. I made ir clear I was disappointed and would stay that way. I did not indulge you.
I will no longer indulge you.
I got nothing for focusing on you.
I'm putting my energy into me now.