Itās beginning to become clear to me.
I likely wonāt be capable of holding a regular job. All my years upon years of schooling, and the way things are right now I just donāt have the endurance. I donāt have the energy. Iām happy I learned so much and grew into the person I am, but all the time, all the money... has it been a waste?
I wish Iād been diagnosed years ago. I wish I wouldāve recognized that the gradually increasing number ofĀ āmental health daysā Iād take each quarter were largely for resting my body. I wish Iād realized, as I gave up one thing after another so Iād have the energy for schoolwork, that having to do such a thing isnāt normal. Giving up having friends and going out isnāt normal. Giving up hobbies isnāt normal. Giving up clubs and other activities isnāt normal. A life of study, rest, study, rest, study, rest, study... thatās not life, and if I have to let go of everything just so I can sometimes feel okay enough to do some schoolwork, it means my body has a real physical illness I need to treat.
I wish Iād been diagnosed years ago, so I could have started improving my condition, and so I could also make plans in case my health didnāt improve. I remember marveling that people could work eight-hour days, five days a week. It seemed like a super power! But I figured I was just being dramatic, and that Iād adapt to it just fine once I was a part of the workforce. Thatās what I was always told. I didnāt trust myself, didnāt trust that I knew better.
I gave up so much for my schooling, but my health has continued to worsen; and it has inevitably come to the point where I no longer have energy even for school. Now Iām extra close to graduation. A few more credits and an internship, and Iāve got my degree. But can I do that? Can I even do that? Walking is hard. Standing is hard. Thinking is hard, Iām so exhausted and in pain. I have to nap every few hours. If I overdo a physical task, I can barely walk and stand for at least a few days afterwards, sometimes a week. I donāt think Iāve even got half of the energy itād take to even do one day of an internship, let alone the following days, for weeks!
Iāve given so much of my life to school. I wouldnāt be the person I am now without it. But has it been worth it? Will it have been worth it? So much time... so much money...
And the one thing I feel I may still be able to do, is be an artist. I can at least make a little money with that if I find a niche. Boy, I feel like a fool. All that time and money, I shouldāve put towards getting an arts degree. I shouldāve stood up for myself and taken the courses I wanted, not the ones I thought would get me a decent job. But the sad thing is, I didnāt have the energy to fight. I didnāt have the energy to fight for myself. Because thatās what it would have been: Constantly fighting my parents for the ability to do what I, in my heart, knew was the right path for me. Enduring their criticism, day in and day out. Enduring. Enduring. Enduring.
I donāt have that. I havenāt had it, for so long.
I thought I was enduring; but cutting away parts of life is not endurance, after all. Itās illness.
I wish Iād been asked what I wanted. I wish Iād been listened to instead of told what wasĀ ābest for me.ā Maybe I couldāve saved myself years of my life and tens of thousand of dollars.
Now here I am, regretting.