An Actual Crybaby

PRO-RECOVERY 24, 5’4”, they/them, HW: 245, CW: 232.4, GW1: 190🔒 GW2: 160 🔒 GW3: 140 🔒 UGW: 110 🔒 Disclaimer: this is not an ana blog, if you are a pro-ana blog don’t interact please, and if you aren’t please don’t think about following this as advice.

[bonebrothtea]

I’ve been off my meds for about a week waiting for a new refill, and I finally have some.

Something I realized is that when I take them regularly, I tend to be more in control of my eating. I’ve been out of control lately, but to a manageable degree I guess. I haven’t overeaten I think? I haven’t been counting cals but I haven’t binged, so I think I’m just maintainable my usual 230-235 range.

But yeah, I got them now so hopefully I can go back on track with 1200-1500 cals.

Just gotta remind myself that the food I eat won’t fill the emptiness of my soul. 😊

[bonebrothtea]

So I weighed myself, and like..I started at 245lbs, and now I’m at 232lbs. It happened in a flash, even tho it too a month. But I’m getting there.

If I can get back to the 220s I’ll be shocked. That’s was my lowest in recent memory, and then I gained it all back.

Weird thing is I’m eating things I’m enjoying? I’m just choosing healthier options over the bad options. Like instead of chips I’ll have flavored popcorn. Things like that.

It’s..odd? I’m happy? But also I thought I’d be more miserable than this

[bonebrothtea]

I just ate a chocolate cupcake because it’s the end of the school year that I’m working at, and lord the guilt is intense.

Like I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, I’ve been eating well and I guess this is a “treat,” and the average calories in a cupcake are 200-300 I think. I’m just gonna try not to beat myself up over it. Might take a walk tho to burn it off but still, trying not to feel the guilt.

Having one single cupcake is not going to break my progress. As long as I eat normally today aside from that I won’t lose all my progress. This will NOT trigger a binge episode, I will not allow it.

[bonebrothtea]

Just ordered a shirt in large, when I’d normally order xl. I guess now is more motivation than ever to fit into it!

Tbf I have a shirt that’s similar and xl is slightly too big, so maybe I’ll fit into it now?

In other news, pants that steamrolled my insides are now fitting kinda nicely and I finally broke my plateau

[bonebrothtea]

Went on Twitter and I was assaulted with 3 ads from McDonald’s. Like..if I didn’t need even MORE reason to relapse. 🙃

[bonebrothtea]

Maybe they’ll finally worry when I’m close to my ugw.

Maybe they’ll finally understand how disordered I am about food.

[bonebrothtea]

Me: *eats 3 spoons worth of halo top* I think that’s about a serving, better log it as a whole pint :))))

[bonebrothtea]

All I want is when I eventually reach my Ugw or close, that I still have decent thighs. I like the snatched waist/thick thighs look.

Something akin to Ryuj!n from !try or Hwa$a.

[bonebrothtea]

Didnt follow my plan for today, but I wasn’t trying to be strict.

This weekend has been a lot of get togethers and being around people, plus my period on top of that.

I just need to go back to normal this week. Hopefully in the long run it’ll help me out.

[bonebrothtea]

Overate today big time, but I was out celebrating something personal with my friends so I’ll allow it as a “cheat day.”

Also I’ve officially lost 10lbs so far, down from 245 to 235 so I’m kinda stoked about that. I’m gonna try liquid fasting tomorrow to make up for overeating today. I’ll hopefully be able to stick to that because I’m going to ANOTHER celebration tomorrow too.

We’ll see tho. I may liquid fast till dinner at the least. My husband will be home with me so it’ll be hard but I can do this.

[bonebrothtea]

Idk how I did it but I resisted cinnamon rolls and cookies today and yesterday.

I was so close to giving in, but I did it.

[bonebrothtea]

TMI

One good thing about being on my period is it makes me take more 💩

I remember hearing once that periods can do that, and honestly, it’s a God send. I’ve been backed up for a while so I’m glad it’s getting through me.

Side note, I burned about 450cals today which is 👌🏻

I did have Chinese food tho, but it was within my calorie range and I stayed away from carbs which will help, since it was mostly protein and veggies

[bonebrothtea]

Me: ok this is my cheat day, I’ll just eat the unhealthy stuff now and start anew tomorrow.

My mom: here take home all these leftovers! :)

Me:

[bonebrothtea]

I really wish I wasn’t bloated and on my period rn. I wanna weigh myself over the weekend but I know it’s not gonna be truthful. I don’t start my next week of pills till the end of Sunday, so I gotta wait till then to get rid of this godforsaken period.

[bonebrothtea]

Hot take but if you actively engage in fatspo and make fun of people who are confident in their bodies, you’re a piece of shit.

I don’t care if you internalize it or think it, but if you say it out loud you’re a bully and contributing to the reason we’re in this fucking mess.

[bonebrothtea]

I’ll be honest, I love trying new foods and different tastes.

But like, it’s cringe because I’m fat, basically.

If I was skinny it’d be cute, but right now people just see it as “oh that’s the reason you’re fat.”

I’m learning to enjoy food and tastes tho, but I’m realizing that smaller portions and eating only when I need to is what’ll help.

Plus finding low cal combinations is fun and it makes me more conscious about my food.

(Lowkey I wanna be like Rosé from BlkPnk. She’s a foodie but it’s not cringe because she’s beautiful and small.)

[bonebrothtea]

My goal: to get a piggy back ride from my husband, to have him hold me bridal style, to be so dainty he’s afraid I may break.