super stunlocked from this weekend, so much good happened. bi-weekly monthly journaling time lol. i think imma add this cute little drawing every time i get into it so i can find what i wrote more easily.
so, August 2019 is when we met, on Tinder. it'll be 3 years in not too long. i've learned a lot about myself, what i want, and the kind of person i want to be with over the years. i had always sort of fallen into awful relationships by crazy circumstances, and never really considered myself in them. i would budge on my deal breakers, convince myself i would be OK sacrificing things i'd known i wanted for myself.
i was really intentional about pushing myself out of my people pleasing comfort zone with my boyfriend. i remember really being into him just a month or so out from our first date. i wanted us to be exclusive, and i shared how i felt. he wasn't sure, and i kindly told him, ok, thank you for being honest. i'm really glad to have met you, and i hope we can be friends then.
maybe half a week later, he changed his mind haha.
it was such an effort for me to say that to him, to stick by what i wanted. i felt terrified. but i did it! so proud of that.
anyways, all that is to say is that i was able to get the courage to have many honest, candid conversations like that with my boyfriend, and i really do feel that if i had continued to live my life suppressing my desires out of that fear of rocking the boat, i wouldn't have the great, fulfilling relationship i have now.
last weekend, i had the scariest conversation yet. we'd been talking about moving in together, and i had this nagging fear in my head that like. we'd do that, and that would be it. i want to be lovingly married, and have children, and a relationship where we build together. i was worried moving in would be a final step instead of a next step.
so, i tried to bring it up. i actually choked on my words at first lol. but as soon as i got it out -- "are you interested in talking about marriage to me?" -- he smiled and said of course.
intermission, i can't get over the way my partner's patience, honesty and kindness has given me the room to heal so much relationship trauma. every time i get scared to have conversations, it's a reaction. every time he shows me i don't need to be, it's like... surreal. healing.
so we talked about marriage. how we want to treat moving in as a next step, and not the final step. we want to be married in the next two years, have a small and intimate wedding with two ceremonies -- one American traditional, the other Korean traditional. not spend too much on that wedding, so we can have a nice honeymoon. take a year or two before trying for children -- he says he wants two.
i'm starting to cry a little now lol. this is a brand new feeling for me, it's like strength and joy together? he loves me, man. like actually loves me. he doesn't stop when my weight goes up, or i get laid off, i go through it with some depressive episodes. no gaslighting, no withholding of affection, no meanspirited criticisms, no disappearing and reappearing, or intuition telling me he's losing interest or cheating.
and he's sure about me. that's a powerful feeling.
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