snurge. snorp

whaddup, the name's Hestia, pronouns are she/her, my Ao3 is Book_Addicted_Thing

[lavenderprose]

I do think that whenever Ilya calls Shane and Shane doesn't pick up, Ilya leaves a voicemail. And the voicemail can be anything from, "Come find me," because they got separated at the mall, to "Hello hello, I miss you, oke bye" because Shane has been out of the house all day. There's also, "Coffee shop says they don't sell your tea anymore. Tell me what you want instead. I leave in three minutes. Bye-bye." and "I will not be home when you get here. Running away to join circus. Maybe will be back with Thai food. Mwah mwah."

This is also how Shane ends up getting into his car, seeing that Ilya left a voicemail, and unthinkingly playing it through the speakers of the car only for the deep voice of Shane's Russian-accented husband to boom, "Answer your fucking phone. Slut." with both the windows and moon roof open.

[targetedknowledge]

[flunkett]

i had a dream that this guy was looking for a bathroom and he found one labeled "god" and thought "..well surely not" so he entered and god was in there washing his god hands and was all like "u cant be in here 😠" and started like flinging tap water at him but because hes god the water kept turning into wine and the guy was like dude what the hell stop flinging wine at me

[ilya-sweetheart]

ilya is drunk and mumbling ‘missss jane. m’mybaby’

naturally the whole boston team now thinks he knocked jane up and has been hiding his child in canada

turns out the ‘baby’ in question is a 6’, 200 lbs hockey player who could destroy them with his excellent backhand in the blink of an eye

[snail-mail-33]

okay okay so, because of Yuna "slut him out" Hollander, the whole world already thinks Shane is a hot mfer but Ilya, whilst obviously an attractive man, has not had the same exposure. Like he's done interviews shirtless and posted things on insta that made enough people feral so he has a small but determined army of stans, but it's not like a universally accepted fact that he's hot af. Most people only see him almost completely engulfed in hockey gear being an asshole.

So when Hollanov is revealed, there's probably a bunch of outrage about how Shane could do better etc. Ilya is not too bothered about this (because he agrees) but Shane is fuming. So he sets Yuna on the case who gets him a very horned up Ciroc advert and a joint Calvin Klein campaign and the entire world is like omfg my bad good pull Shane lol #beefcake4beefcake

[takemetohr]

my favorite bit is how everyone understands that ilya managing to pull shane was crazy

shanes friends are all like "dude youre with rozanov??? why are you settling" and ilya friends are like "how tf did you manage to pull shane hollander, the best player in the league???? dont fuck this up you dumbass, you literally cannot get better than him, PLEASE do not fumble him"

hayden talking to marly going "your friend does not deserve shane even a little bit" and marly nodding sagely like "yeah i fucking know. i already told him if he fumbles hollander itll be the worst loss of his life, including the olympics"

[gaynehollander]

I feel like I've seen several posts about how good Shane is at poker and I firmly subscribe to that belief but here's what I find interesting. Playing poker against Shane is when Ilya realises that Shane actually isn't a bad liar. He's just bad at hiding his desire from Ilya. Actually, when playing against him he has no fucking tells. None at all. And Ilya knows him. He knows his face. He knows how to read him. He recognises every minute shift of his features. He has every microexpression catalogued. And yet. Shane. keeps. winning. Ilya tries everything, every trick in the book. He tries to distract Shane, tries to catch him off guard, tries to intimidate him but with every attempt the only the only thing he manages is to rile Shane up and so he's sitting across the table from him and the only thing Ilya can read in his expression is that he is definitely hard and desperately trying to cover that fact up and he really is horrible at hiding it but Ilya still doesn't know if he's fucking lying about his cards.

[beehivedemocracy]

Ilya coming home to Shane being overstimulated and agitated and he thinks it's best to leave him alone mostly so he goes off and does his own thing and eventually ends up on the couch playing a video game and Shane comes out of nowhere, noise canceling headphones on and hobby of the day in hand (book, knitting, switch, coloring, could be basically anything) and sits next to him which Ilya thinks is really sweet and then Shane very softly asks "are you avoiding me because I'm being weird and quiet again" and Ilya sees his whole life flash before his eyes, every mistake he's ever made, mostly this specific one, and rapidly starts explaining himself and Shane ultimately finds it sweet just nods and stays were he is, doing his thing now with a little smile on his face

[wannabetonthat]

I don't think after they're out Shane sits in Ilya's lap much. I think it's too much in front of other people, too overwhelming, because he's seated higher than others and more forward than others and he can stay still but still would draw attention and he cannot deal with being perceived this much in a position where he wouldn't be able to hide from embarrassment.

I think Ilya sits on Shane's lap tho.

I think when they're in a party or anything like that Shane goes and finds a seat and soon after Ilya is sitting in his lap like it's the most normal, casual and meaningless thing. He starts a conversation with someone close on the table and he just plops himself down in his husband's lap like it's Tuesday, relaxed and gesticulating and leaning forward to keep talking with whomever.

He stays there for a long time and if it's a big group around he looks like a king in a throne holding court or a baby in a raised chair (depending on what's he's saying), he's talking with at least half a head of height over all others because Shane's thighs are some hefty cushion.

I don't think it's always a sexy thing, sometimes it just means Shane can be in the middle of all the conversation but with an arm around his husband waist, relaxed, not needing to speak and able to just lay his head on his shoulder and look over it, hide behind him if he needs. He gets both cuddles and a social buffer. He also feels the weight of 200 pounds of the love of his life pressing down and it's quite relaxing actually.

But I think sometimes it IS a sexy thing, because Ilya won't stay still, and he knows he's sitting on his husband cock, and yeah, this is Ilya, he's going to tease at least a little, and this way at least Shane gets to hide his face.

[wannabetonthat]

I was half asleep daydreaming and I came up with the most cracky idea

Shane has been in face offs against Ilya for years, even if they didn't have their thing of the ice, he knows his face by memory. Which is why he notices when a mole in the underside of his jaw gets bigger.

It's the 2015-2016 season, middle of the hookup era, and he is trying to get this motherfucker to see a dermatologist, but nothing he says works. Ilya either distracts him or dismisses him with some stupid denial like russians don't get melanoma.

But the mole keeps changing and now its not even the same consistent color and Shane has googled the signs so he says fuck it, I'm gonna make him.

Shane uses his barely active public account to tweet a list of Boston based dermatologist and tags Ilya in each one.

This of course goes crazy with the fans because what the hell? Shane Hollander? Tweeting at Ilya Rozanov? Doctors? This is a very advanced very strange chirp? Is he calling his moles ugly?

The next time the Boston Raiders have a game the media scrum doesn't even try to pretend they came for another thing, they want to know about the Dermatologist Thread.

Ilya, at this point frustrated because his moles are fine, they're perfect, why is this a problem, so he answers.

"Hollander should mind his own businesses, he wants me to visit stupid skin doctor because he sees mole. I have lots of moles, always had, there's no problem here, it's normal mole!"

And Shane is getting out of his own game a few hours later, prepares himself to answer about the fumble in the second period when the media comes, and it's surprised when, instead, he gets shown a clip of Ilya's earlier interview. Now, this fucking reckless motherfucker, Shane explodes.

"You fucking asshole! You want to die by driving a Porsche into a wall be my guest! But you're gonna die of the most stupid thing in existence! A MOLE! A mole you decided not to check even if it changed size and color and it's in your fucking face where we can all see it every fucking face off with arena lights shining right into it! Why? Because you're stupid and you don't want to go to the doctor and you don't respect the sun. You're gonna die from a perfectly preventable thing and then what am I gonna do? I'm gonna be the best hockey player in mi generation with 10 cups and Harts and Conn Smythes and no competition because you're gonna be in the history books as that one promising dude who died from a mole. A mole! Go to the fucking doctor and use your fucking sunscreen."

That one goes viral. That one breaches containment and goes internacional meme viral.

Shane Hollander Skin Cancer Awareness King.

There's "Go to the fucking doctor and use your fucking sunscreen" T-Shirts.

Shane Hollander angry sneering face with the text "RESPECT THE SUN" under it.

Ilya Rozanov gets bullied relentlessly about it, everyone asking if he has gone to the doctor yet. He doesn't answer. Eventually, he appears with a new scar in his jaw where a wonky mole used to be.

A new meme begins, Shane Hollander has saved Ilya Rozanov's life. From a malignant mole.

[fellshish]

the one big flaw of the Arrangement is that it divides the work between crowley and aziraphale so only one of them has to travel to a place to do both the blessing and the temptation etc while otherwise they could have just met up there and hung out and kissed. just saying

[qcharlie]

i think being able to identify and deconstruct an irrational feeling should make it go away. i literally solved your riddle puzzle master can u let me OUT the damn TORTURE LABYRINTH

[mymultifandomhell]

heated rivalry + text [15 / ?]

[mymultifandomhell]

heated rivalry + text [15 / ?]

[femdreamland]

Ilya making lunch for his kids: Healthy food cut into fun different shapes. A little sweet treat for balance. A note saying how much their dads love them 🩷

Ilya making lunch for his first daughter, Anya: Cooking her plain meat and rice and plating it in her fancy little bowl 🐶 (no canned dog food)

Ilya getting lunch for himself: Monster energy drink with one single McDonald hash brown and 3 M&Ms 🔥

[blacksheepcolorfulskin]

Ilya and Shane’s son brings a girl home and Ilya makes a big production of pretending to be incensed that that his son is straight. (“I told you we never should’ve let him be around Hayden!”) Shane keeps whacking him in the arm telling him to knock it off but can’t help laughing. Their son is just rolling his eyes and apologizing to his girlfriend who is finding it all hysterical. She then tells them she’s actually bi and Ilya gives her a big dramatic hug. “Finally he brings a nice girl home!”

[homunculus-argument]

I think it would be funny to write a murder mystery where not only did every single character involved have an obvious motive to kill this mf, they were actually all attempting to murder him first, but the murder attempts all cancelled each other out all except for one. Two people tried to poison him but the poisons just happen to work as antidotes for each other, and instead of killing him only gave him the shits, and due to having the shits he couldn't go hunting that day like he had planned, foiling the plans of the one who had conditioned his favourite hunting horse to panic and bolt at the cue of a whistle, and the other murder attempt of tampering with his gun so that it would have exploded his whole face off.

The whole mystery isn't about who could have done it or how, but who was the one who got lucky and actually succeeded.