It was a miserable day. I got a call from my stepmom early that afternoon that my dad passed away. She wasn’t there for it; his employer insisted she come sort out paperwork in their office as he lay dying in their bedroom. Her mother had been there. I lived in Texas at the time.
The last day I saw him was my wedding day.
It all seems surreal and made up, like a tragedy in someone’s life. Yet when I come to this day every year, I know it’s my life this is taking place in and my reality reflecting his absence.
He would’ve been a wonderful grandfather.
Was he perfect? No, no one is. He held onto the past a lot. He was bitter about his daughters being uprooted at a young age to live many states away.
As a parent, I now understand what a tremendous loss it must have been. As a child, I didn’t know any better.
I have an immense amount of guilt and remorse over it all. I should’ve visited more often. I would have perhaps had a chance to say goodbye. I could’ve built a better relationship with my family.
Now I just have to pick up the broken pieces of myself every year when this date rolls around. The grief no longer envelopes me; instead, it’s about the size of a scarf--still weighing heavily on my neck, but no longer choking my life out whenever this day arises.
It’s also a shit 2 week period where, years after, I was laid off from one job and fired from another. July does not bring with it good memories of these past few years.
I’m grateful for what I have, all things considered. As someone who tends to be cynical and focuses on the negative, this is the most positive I’ve felt about anything in a while.
I’m positive I’m leaving my job next winter because I can’t stand it.
I’m positive this change will bring with it growing pains but also opportunities.
I’m positive my child is one of the best things that’s happened to me. Seriously, I would be lost without her.
I’m positive my husband is going to burn out from putting every waking hour into martial arts, but he insists the day job is the problem (well, night shift of his full time job, but you get the point).
I hope it all comes together. It’s hard to look at the past and see where live was and where it’s going, but for my sanity, I must. I love my dad, and I always will, but that other life is over. I will always cherish his devotion and love. At the same time, I can’t let his death hold me back from living a life my family needs to be their best selves.
This year is a turning point, and one way or another, the grief will shrink.