sorry please let me hurt myself for a while --
here is ilya, who has finally, finally, finally kokuhaku'd his little heart out and achieved the nirvana of reciprocity - and last night he was so naive to think this meant an end to the pain, but. guess what. as the morning goes on and he continues to have what he wants, we catch like so many shadows across his face the realisation..... that that relief was temporary. he doesn't actually have what he wants, it is dawning on him. what he wants is this, but crucially - this full time. and even under Shane's Plan™ they just won't see each other often enough, because "enough", he is learning, is all day. every day. now he knows what it is to be so entirely loved he cannot un-know it. he might have this time currently, but this time is rapidly running out. second by second he watches it pass in total helplessness. all the more important to get out of his head and enjoy it while he can, but having noticed the flaw he..... cannot. oh but then his stupid fucking soulmate tells him he wants to name their hypothetical joint charity after his dead mother. haha. he has secured literally the most perfect person of all time and this person loves him!!!! he loves him!!!!!! he's literally right here in his arms!!!!!! oop but back to the undeniable truth, his brain cannot let him forget: ottawa might be two hours from montreal but that means four hours round trip. for who knows how long, because let's face it, "till we retire" is a pretty big window. and he hasn't even left boston yet. and he's basically only going to have this again for any proper continuous stretch in the summers. and so he suddenly rams right up against a question he cannot say out loud: can he do this? is he strong enough to endure awareness of this life without truly being able to have it? well, guess what, babe????? no other option!!!!!!! hahahahaha!!!!! saddle up cowboy we'll have to find the fuck out!!!!!! sure hope it's possible to return to the other, lesser world with the knowledge of this one feather light brushing up against you and almost completely out of reach!!!!!!!!!!!! it's the amber spyglass all over again baby!!!!!!! PAIN.MP3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
