Part of discipline is forgiving yourself sooner.
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@booksarecandy
Part of discipline is forgiving yourself sooner.
BUMBLEBEE
I think this post would be a good chapter in a book
This Book Is Candy
Love Letters are so easy. I wish I could lie, and say otherwise. But they really are. You CAN'T mess them up. _____ Our life is becoming a Love Letter. Capital L's Our lives are a love letter to each other, which creates a life made together. That Love Letter is one to the rest of the world, to the rest of the Universe, saying thank you for letting us find each other, and Thank you for this great chance, to live this lucky life, in unison with everyone else living it with us. _____ It is also -- this combined Love Letter -- a not-so-subtle message, to the little bugger down the hall. :) Happiness is something fluid. We can never sit on it. But we find it in our pursuit of a better and more focused life, And if we are willing to enjoy that infinity found between "reality" and "perfect," Then there are enough deep breaths for everyone. You are a 2-year long breath, I've been taking. You have cleared my lungs, and let me taste pure air again. And the craziest thing is -- we're still just getting started. _____ Let's keep writing this Love Letter, to the world. Let's keep swimming. Oblivious Fish. The only way to be. :) With all the love of an ocean's depth, Your Bee
If something isn't working, TRY SOMETHING NEW. --what's the worst that could happen?
Butterfly Starfish
I want to work with Elayne Boosler
Bryson Turner
comedyhajj.tumblr.com
I'm spending two minutes writing this, because I'm about to start writing you a love letter on the "new" one.
comedyhajj.tumblr.com
I almost forgot about it. Forgot that we switched. When i came here, I didn't see our "Basketball, Stand-up, and Butterfly Starfish" post, I had that split-second panic.
You know the one I'm talking about.
Let's talk about it -- and quietly and fluidly distract you from the annoying, unnecessary chaos that does its best to surround you --
over at our new blog, comedy hajj.
Love, Captain Bee
Learn for free about math, art, computer programming, economics, physics, chemistry, biology, medicine, finance, history, and more. Khan Academy is a nonprofit with the mission of providing a free, world-class education for anyone, anywhere.
When we get to choose our cards, there's no need to bluff.
My work call today. ;)
You are teaching me to enjoy
sticking up for myself. __________ And to shower. You're teaching me to shower. __________
I'm excited to complete another class today. It's been crazy, and super-positive.
I have to take a shower, if I want to feel my most confident, for this phone call.
And then I want to be ready early, for class today.
Love you. Thanks for all your love and support.
And the coffee, this morning. I really appreciate...the coffee.
Beep bop boop, Code words, Love, Captain Bee
Those "pogo stick muscles"
I'm running late. I don't care. Gonna write you a letter.
Wed 12:59 PM
Just got back from the gym. I spent the whole morning working on the "Fantasy Standings." I got them done in time for class. The kids are coming along tentatively. Because I'm coming along tentatively.
I'm going to focus more on the standings on Monday. I don't really care about the technical stuff, right now. I feel like I have a decent shot at getting some legitimate,
buy-in. _____
Which would be somewhere between "incredible" and
historic? _____
I have to go shower.
I WENT TO THE GYM!
I got my workout in.
It was quick, and abbreviated. But it was a real workout. And my body feels terrific. And that's two days in a row. Or something like 6 days in a row, going back to last week.
I'm crushing it, physically, right now. And like I said -- I can feel the new level. It's weird.
It has a lot to do with balance. My leg muscles have never been this strong. I'm focusing on free weights. Very few machines. And it's creating a feeling of
stability
that I've never had before. Which is -- duh of course DUHHH -- making it much easier for me to jump higher. It's the difference between jumping with a pogo stick under you, or a strand of cooked spaghetti.
I've starting to develop those pogo stick muscles. _____
Exciting, right? _____
Bummed I'm going to miss tonight's concert. I will figure out a way to make it up to SkyeWalker.
(and, let's be honest...to you;)
Love, Captain Bee
Gotta run! Need to shower before class! No time!!!!!!!!!
Tue 10:39 AM
I came up with a game, for my students.
Really though, it's a game for me. __________ I created a scoring system, where the kids can get "points" for doing SAT-related stuff.
I printed out a copy of the SAT FL Standings. "FL" stands for "Fantasy League," I explained.
And so I'm giving them points. For...everything. And just adding the points to their total.
It'll be a little extra work. But I figure, if I start working on this, and eliminate feeling-bad-for-not-working-on-this,
then I'll actually have more free time now.
Let's see how it goes! __________ I got to the gym this morning. I wasn't going to. So I broke the rules. I cheated, and I used a drug. And that was enough to get me out of my routine.
You know, that routine.
The "I played better than I've ever played last night, sooo.....I'd better stop going to the gym every morning."
Instead? I went to the gym. I got a few shots up. I worked on dribbling a little. And I got a nice, 20-minute lift in. Followed by 10 good minutes on a bike.
It was not a "historic" morning. It was ho-hum. It was...
work. __________ I showed up. And I intend to show up tomorrow, too. And Thursday. And Friday.
If I do that -- forget "getting a good workout," I'm saying if I show up the next 4 mornings in a row --
I'll have once again elevated my physical state
to a level I've never been to before. My posture will look different, my body will be more solid. If I just get into the gym these next 4 days in a row, I'll break through a new ceiling.
You know what's interesting? This is the first time I've felt it. This is the first time I can physically understand how close I am to a breakthrough, before the breakthrough.
It feels a little like being able a time-traveler. It's a really neat feeling.
I'm going to keep getting better, if I keep playing basketball. How quickly I reach each new step on that ladder?--that is up to me.
And I'd like to officially state my new goal: to begin climbing those steps at a faster pace. __________ I'm proud of both of us, for being active. We kick ass. And I can't to eat fried chicken on the beach with you. (Honeymoon date?) __________
Oh. And for the record: we lost our game last night. To the team that won the championship last year, in this new league we're in.
I played about half the game.
They are an excellent team. One guy on their team had 37 points. I had 0.
If I can outscore that guy, when we meet again in the playoffs, then that will be a 37-point swing, in our favor. That would be enough to give us the championship.
Will you come watch us play, in the playoffs? I'd like to show you just how much you inspire me. Plus -- I think it would be fun! (kids are welcome too, of course)
:) __________ I better get going. Essays await! (as do new Fantasy League standings)
:)) Love, Captain BEe
Camp Love
Hello. You are in the kitchen. I am in the "learning room." I am writing you a love letter. Mostly to turn you on.
What is a good love letter? I've been writing a Love Journal to you, and it's been in a legal pad. One of those tall, yellow ones. And I don't know how I feel about it. I'll admit -- it's the most...focused love journal I've written, so far. There's been a pretty consistent style to it. I've been writing you, in a lot of it.
In the past, the Love Journals I've been writing you have been...weird? Is that the right word for them? They've either been full of used-up pens and pencils, or weird basketball statistics, or some other unique set of codes
that made it less "love journal," more "love-mystery-manifesto-code-book."
Or something like that. __________ So the mere fact that this new one resembles a love letter
is a pretty good start. I don't know if that will mean anything to you, or not. Maybe the ones that are "crazy" are even more valuable to you, since they represent that I really was willing to do whatever-felt-right, rather than trying to fit my love journals into some set of predetermined, this-is-what-love-looks-like expectations.
Or, maybe, it'll be exciting for you to get a Love Journal that actually looks like a Love Journal: something that communicates all the reasons that I'm so in love with the idea of spending the rest of my life with you.
I think that's what "love" has meant for me, since I've fallen in "love" with you. It means that when I think of my future -- no matter what version I think of -- it's a future in which you are my wife.
And I know the idea of "a wife" is inherently pretty bull-shittish. It's a weird idea, that the U.S. government should have any sort of say, as to whether or not we are "officially" in love with each other. Or "officially" committed to each other.
I've made the commitment in my mind. I've made the decision. I'm going to grow up with you. I'm going to continue to grow up with you. I'm going to watch you continue to grow up.
That's something we both believe, and understand: we aren't done growing.
We are growing older, yes. But that is still growing. There are parts of us that have sooooo much more growing to do. Some parts we haven't even birthed yet, that will end up out-growing and out-showing
some of the "strongest" parts of ourselves, today.
There is so much of us, still to be discovered. Still to be cultivated.
Still to grow. __________ I love what these love letters represent. To me, they represent many different things -- all of which relate, in some obvious way, to the love they are meant to define, explain, and be evidence of.
They represent my willingness to be public, with my love. They represent my willingness to try my best at something (explaining my love), and not worry about whether or not I get it perfect.
It says a lot to me, that I've written these letters to you so consistently, this past year. And that I've struggled so mightily to write anything else with any consistency, my entire life.
The love you give me makes me completely ignore the fearful elements, of this "art form" (which is just "love-letter writing," in a way).
You've asked me a few times, "when are you going to post your review of Bill Burr's new special?"
And I don't have a great answer for you. Because I'm scared to. I'm scared to write. Because when I start thinking about writing, I start thinking about everything. I don't even know what I mean, by "everything." I just know that my mind starts racing a mile-a-minute, and instead of getting started, or just ... writing ...
I freak out. I panic. I overthink. I get in my head. I run a million projections, through an imaginary machine, in my mind. I account for wind, time-of-day, mood, previous strategies, potential futures, high-tide or low-tide.
I run a hundred miles. All in place. And I end up tremendously exhausted. Without ever moving forward an inch. __________ When will I post my review of Bill Burr's "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way"?
When I remember: everything I write, is a love letter to you. Everything I do, is a love letter to you. It's ALL a part of the same love letter. It's all a part of the same, LIVING LOVE LETTER.
HOW I LIVE IS MY REAL LOVE LETTER TO YOU.
It's easy for me to forget that. My desk is cluttered. And I don't even want it to be MY desk. I want it to be a family desk. That you or SkyeWalker could come into, and use for whatever you want to use it for.
So, I fall short of that goal. I fall short of the goal of putting together the bookshelf. I fall short of the goal of earning enough money (for now). I fall short of the goal of putting all my clothes away. I fall short of the goal of preparing for my SAT tutoring classes. I fall short of the goal of e-mailing my students. I fall short of the goal of being the best basketball player in the gym (for now). I fall short. I fall short. I fall short.
And then,
I pick myself back up.
And that is what my love letter is to you. More than anything else. It's the act of getting-up.
The fact that I fall, shows that I have tried to do something. For me, but also for you. I'm trying to do it, for us. So that we can have that more-interesting life together. So that we can find a better way, for us to be able to work out together. To be able to work together. To be able to have our Saturdays and Sundays, and our evenings, when we want them. So that we can get to that place. So that you can have your time, to do what you want to do with it.
So that you can become that Powerhouse, SuperNova, Native-Soul CEO
that everyone sees in you, once they see past your super-hot physical body.
(myself included;) __________ You're teaching me to live my life in a new way. You're teaching me to love Sundays, because they're a chance to get a head start on my Mondays. I don't have to "hate" Mondays -- I can start loving them, if I just do a quarter of my Monday work on my Sunday. Then, Monday seems much easier, and it feels like the whole day is...rooting for me.
I make good money tomorrow. I teach in the morning, I come home, I run over and get lunch with you, then I head into the city, and then go teach again out in New Jersey. I'll do that, then head straight to my basketball game. I'll pack tonight, so that I'm not running around tomorrow morning. Since I'll already be packed and prepared for my classes, I'll feel comfortable -- even excited -- to go to the Y and get my shots up, tomorrow morning. Because I'll have gotten those shots up -- and worked out hard on Saturday, and played on Sunday -- I'll go into my game tomorrow feeling super-confident. And I'll have a blast, getting to play with my teammates.
Then I'll come home, and I'll get to tell you stories about it. And we'll get prepared for Tuesday. And compare notes. And keep growing. __________
This life we have, is the love letter.
Sun 12:12 PM
I'm ready to go say hi again. And spend some time with you. Cleaning. Getting ready for the rest of the day. And getting ready for tomorrow. Together.
Adulthood can be really, really fun. When you get paired up with the right bunkmate...it can almost feel like
camp.
:)
Love, Captain Bee
(no picture -- I'm tired of dealing with paparazzi every time we go out now)
8 More Minutes
Wed 12:39 PM _____
We've been texting, since I got back from class.
I leave in 20 minutes to go to my next one.
I have to run downstairs to get 2 different types of milk.
I heard SkyeWalker drop a spoon on the kitchen floor this morning. When I walked in after you guys had left, it was still lying on the floor.
I can't tell if it was a silent protest against our 2% milk,
or if she was just technically still asleep, as she made her glass of strawberry milk. :) _____
I gotta go. But I figured 5 minutes is better than no minutes.
Already looking forward to getting home tonight. Will be good to see you, and I want to keep the conversation going, we were having this morning.
I'm tired. Next appointment with Dr. (Co-Worker) is Friday morning, 8:10 AM.
Can't wait. _____
Also -- wait a second.
WAIT A SECOND.
You're an insomniac.
If I was an INSOMNIAC... wouldn't you make me see someone for that??? _____
Right!?!?
I call bullshit.
Add it to the list! We're talking about it -- TONIGHT.
Love, Captain (Worker) Bee
What RACE am I?
I made the decision to list my race as "Unknown" And the "white" lady who was taking down my fingerprints? NOT okay with it. __________ When you think I'm stupid for not CLAIMING my whiteness... you are ADMITTING that we are being secretly racist together. When you say "I don't know why you're making this so difficult," as you weirdly-aggressively twist my hands and fingertips, without telling me what I'm SUPPOSED to do with my hands, I have no evidence to "submit in court" -- but it makes me wonder. __________ When you tell me, "If I were a cop, I would say you're white," And that's your REASON it bothers you that I comfortably but firmly insist that my race is "unknown, " that REALLY makes me wonder. __________ When you ask why I don't want to put "WHITE," and I start to explain that my wife and step-daughter are of "mixed race" backgrounds, and you cut me off mid-sentence and say "This isn't about your wife." __________ And I ask, "Well, what race are you?" And you say, "White." And then immediately add, "I'm CLEARLY white." __________ It makes me wonder why it... MATTERS so much to you. __________ And I wonder if it's in part because I'm whiter than you. Is that why it bothers you? __________ __________ And if that's why, then let me ask one last question: How much LESS WHITE did I need to be, Before you quietly said in your mind, "Yeah. That IS different than me. I can LET THIS PERSON be not white, as long as I still am."
You are Making me Love Christmas Again
I don't know what I'm doing.
None of us do.
I know, I know. __________ I think a lot of the time, one of the reasons that men are so stubborn,
is that we want so badly for the women we love
to have a man who knows anything. __________
It's humiliating, for men to not have our lives together. Or for us to feel like we don't.
And the funny thing is, of course women feel the exact same way. Or at least, some do. There are people --
humans, I believe they're called --
who go through their days (which is what makes up our LIVES)
and never feel good about themselves. Never let themselves feel good about themselves.
It's not a tricky system. It's not an evil system. But it is a system where it's in the best interest of self-interested people, to have other people devoting their time toward your interests. __________
I don't know what I'm doing. __________
This may be the most I've ever felt lost, in my life. It may also be the first time I'm not worried about it.
This is adulthood. It's not going to get "better." It's already the best.
The joke is on me, if I've been expecting to "get rich." When I walk into our living room, and there's a window with icicle-lights framing it, and then at night, they look like stars shining down on that house and tinsel-tree...
(it's amazing how big that tree looks, because my brain compares it to the house. like my brain is saying "Whoa! That's like a 70-foot tall tree made of silver!!!") __________ __________ it's so funny to me,
that when we wait for something we imagined already,
it's even harder to recognize when we have it all,
because the fact that we dreamt of it for so long, means that we aren't paying attention to whether or not this
new version of life
checks off everything on the wish-list. __________ __________ For the record:
I hate how little time we get to spend together, during the week.
And we will find ingenious ways to make sure this is a
historic Christmas. __________
Love, Captain Bee
"My Better"
I told my students today, that I still hadn't e-mailed them individually.
I said, "I still need to do that. And that's...." -- and I let the sentence hang, in the air.
"That's your bad," one of the girls in the front replied.
Oof. Time to either make an excuse, or be real.
"That is my bad, and it's going to be my better."
And some kids laughed out loud, at how dorky it was. "That's so stupid," one muttered, as she was letting out the rest of her laugh.
And it was.
Stupid enough to sink in. I hope. __________ __________ It's starting to happen.
And it's starting to happen, more and more quickly. __________
I'll look to film my next special late this upcoming Spring (sometime between March 21 and June 22)
because I find Bill Burr tremendously inspiring.
And you remind me of that.
Let's make sure the dates for the special, don't interfere with your
burlesque show. __________ __________
School is going better, as I continue to get better.
I'm starting to get more comfortable with the chaos of my life. I'm getting overwhelmed, but I'm learning to
keep breathing
even as I experience the sensation of being overwhelmed. __________ __________ __________ Not just personal stuff, though:
Everything is happening fast. And getting faster and faster.
The race thing is happening fast. The more and more people who have access to smart phones,
...
...
it's happening fast. Faster than anyone is comfortable.
And it's about to get...more.
Everything is about to get more. __________
It's
Mon 12:01 PM
I'm already behind, my daily schedule.
And guess what: that's not bad news. It's not good news or bad news.
It's the current situation. So...I'll keep going? (Yeah. Duh. We keep going. That's what busy people do: we keep going) __________ __________
Thanks for always listening. Thanks for always being so amazing.
See you tonight.
I hope I see you before my game. But if I don't, I'll be excited to tell you about it, when I get home.
Nothing to prove, nothing to lose.
No matter what happens: I'll keep going. __________ __________
Air is Candy
Each day happens, and as it does, I'm growing. __________ I remember 2 weeks ago today,
when I returned from my doctor's appointment, around this time.
My body felt a little bit fresher; my mind felt a little less... clenched. __________
We were worried, that day. Or at least, I was.
Worried that this so-called solution would prove to be a one-day aberration. Or even if I continued to feel better,
that it would be a one-week spike, in how I felt, and then I would quickly fall down to
Earth: like a helium balloon, long after the kids have left the party. __________ You were graceful and insightful -- as usual -- when guiding me through the "storm" that I call "feeling good."
You told me, "Let's not worry about tomorrow. And let's not be angry about yesterday, either.
"Today is a good day. Let's let it be good." __________ __________ That -- more than anything else -- has allowed me to have the past two weeks. It's allowed me to thaw-out my passion for editing and directing comedy. It's allowed me to play with "motivational speaking" in funny and fun ways, I never have before.
It's allowed me to become better at my job, than I've ever been before.
It's allowed me to become better at basketball, than I've ever been before.
It's allowed me to think of our future in the long-term, more than I ever have before. It's given me more confidence, than I've ever had before. It's allowed me to start focusing on my own growth -- and not worry about how long the progress is taking -- in a way that I never have before.
Yesterday wasn't my most productive day. And that's okay.
I'm not going to have nothing-but-perfect-days, from now on. That's not how any version of life works.
But I'm having more and more good days, these past two weeks, than I've ever had in my life.
I am starting to attack issues. I am starting to re-claim the confidence that I never knew was mine to claim.
I don't know how tomorrow will go. But, ___________
Today is a good day. Today is a good day. Today is a good day.
Holy crap.
Thank you.
And now let's figure out how to do the same thing for you,
times 10. __________ __________