About loneliness
You know, the worst thing is not being lonely, as people tend to think. I actually think that the worst thing is feeling lonely. You see, when you are lonely, but not aware of it, you still try and reach out to people, they act like they care and you pretend to buy it. Now, when you feel lonely, there's nothing left to do. A crowd could try and talk to you, you'd still feel like you're the last person in the world.
When you feel it, everything you do feels like it's just a desperate attempt to get attention. If you ask for a hug, you'll feel like you're being annoying. If you don't talk to anyone, that bubbling fear that everyone will leave you just grows until it suffocates you. If you do talk to someone about it, they will surely think you're being an attention whore, doing anything you can for people to notice you.
Being lonely is a complete different feeling. You know you are, but you don't really care. It's like you turned on a button in your brain that helps you not to give a damn. Your own company, or maybe a cat's or a dog's is enough to entertain you and make you feel like you're not the only human left in this reality.
But when you feel lonely is like the rest of the world won't give a damn about you. Is the same feeling you get when you realize you could just kill yourself and no one would miss you. It's not something easily changeable, and it may take weeks, even months, for you to get rid of this sensation. And what can you do while it lasts? Oh, not much. All you can do is drown and let it take you rock bottom, and feel helpless is the first step.
It hurts when you feel lonely, but maybe, just maybe, that's the first step before you realize you actually are lonely. And maybe, just maybe, that's the first step to make those feelings go away. At least I hope so, because I don't know how much I can take it.
