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@borderlinepersonalitygirl
Iām a bitter, angry, pessimistic, hateful, judgmental, resentful, spiteful, miserable person and I donāt know how to be any different because those things come naturally to me based on my life as a mentally ill ugly loser. Itās probably better that I die so that people donāt have to be burdened by having such a hateful, judgmental person in their lives and so that I donāt have to keep feeling the pain of being left.
bpd core pt 13
I can feel my friends getting tired of talking to me and spending time with me. I feel their annoyance every time I text or ask to call or make plans. I can sense them pulling away from me, putting distance between us by gradually interacting with me less and less.
When I feel like this, I get such a strong impulse to completely isolate myself because I feel so burdensome just existing in othersā lives and wanting to spend time with them and talk to them, but I always know that Iām too selfish and weak to actually do so.
I could never choose to do something that would make me feel more alone and abandoned, even when I know itād be best for everyone else. Iām too selfish to do the right thing.
watching the pitt and knowing my bitch-ass radiology tech ex-boyfriend would like it and wondering if heās watched it and experienced joy doing so without me :/
he literally ruins every single thing by still existing and choosing to do it without me. i truly wish the worst for him. fuck that fake-ass lying bitch. motherfuckers will rip your heart out and stomp on it and then continue to live their lives like they arenāt the worst.
I feel like Iām losing my ability to communicate normally with people as time goes on. People Iām comfortable around are not a problem; I can talk to friends just fine, but itās people who feel like acquaintances or strangers that I really struggle with. Even my own family, who I donāt feel incredibly close to. Iāve had social anxiety forever so Iāve never been great at it, but it feels like with time Iām only getting worse at things like exchanging pleasantries and making small talk normally. And what sucks is that Iām so self aware about it that after every interaction I just think to myself, āI sounded really awkwardā or āit was weird that I didnāt respond to what they said just now and just stayed quietā or āI was supposed to say ___ when they said ___ā or āI was supposed to ask them how theyāre doing backā.
The biggest one is just not responding when people say things to me. I do this all the time and Iām very self aware as soon as Iāve done it and I just think to myself that I should have said something. Like if someone bumps into me and then apologizes, I feel like I never respond, and then afterwards I think to myself, āwhy didnāt I respond?ā
I just feel like Iām becoming a socially inept freak.
I am so angry, seething with rage, at the world for what it has done to me. I do not deserve to have experienced all the pain Iāve experienced. I do not deserve the way Iāve been treated, by countless people who I loved and trusted, by people I didnāt even know, and by society as a whole. I am an immensely flawed person but I do not deserve to have suffered so much and for so long without relief. I do not deserve to have been born with such a devastating, life-ruining mental illness like BPD. I do not deserve the shitty cards Iāve been continuously dealt.
I told my brotherās fiancĆ©, in a moment of vulnerability in which I thought it was a safe space, that I cheated on my high school boyfriend when I was 19-20 years old (before eventually breaking up with him a few months after turning 20) and she said that my most recent ex breaking up with me and literally ripping my heart out and stomping on it repeatedly over the course of many months was probably karma for me cheating on my high school boyfriend nearly 4 years ago. I donāt even believe in karma so this bitch pissed me off and she made herself sound stupid as fuck. The reasons my most recent relationship ended still would have existed regardless of what I did to my shitty ex boyfriend that I started dating when I was 16, and they had nothing to do with infidelity because I cut that shit out when I was the relatively young age of 20 years old.
The mantra of āonce a cheater always a cheaterā stays pissing me off because people deserve the chance to change and I literally have. I never cheated on my most recent ex once. I was 20 years old. Maybe that seems not that young to a 25 year old who is herself too young to be getting married, but itās certainly young enough to make mistakes and learn and grow from them.
My ex has probably decided to only focus on my flaws instead of my strengths whenever he remembers me and discusses me and that thought makes me sad and angry. Heās probably decided that I was a mean and bad girlfriend despite all I did for him and the ways I grew while we were together, the ways I grew for him.
He probably has let go of any sympathy for the fact that I was a 20-23 year old with bpd and lots of interpersonal trauma trying to navigate a relationship with a man five years older who had never had a girlfriend before and didnāt know how to communicate his feelings or needs or set boundaries or cope with anything. Iām not maliciously walking all over you if you donāt tell me Iām stepping on you in the first place.
Heās likely villainized me in a way that I wish I could villainize him, but I still think about all of his many good qualities, all the reasons I loved him. I know I have good qualities too. I just doubt he acknowledges them anymore, because heās probably given into his controlling parentsā bullshit narrative that I ruined his life.
Hashtag vent!
Going to bar trivia tonight but Iāve never done bar trivia before and Iāve never been to this bar before so Iām already anxious, and this morning I found out that there are 7 people going when I thought thereād be 5
3 of them (from Friend Aās side) donāt know 2 of them (from my side) and vice versa and Friend Aās friend is bringing her boyfriend who I havenāt met and I feel uneasy around new cishet men due to my life experiences and Iām so incredibly stressed about all the new and unpredictable things happening tonight
And then Friend B said another one of our friends, Friend C, thought he couldnāt come but now he can and I just had to tell him to tell Friend C not to come this week because Friend C only knows me and Friends A and B and I just canāt handle any more people or introductions or any more unknowns when Iāve never even been to this bar or done bar trivia and I donāt know this girlās boyfriend
And I feel dumb and cringe and annoying and lame for being so stressed about all this but I am
Today I had to go to the hospital that my ex boyfriend works at because I was visiting my brotherās fiancĆ©. I didnāt see him but I felt like shit the whole time anyway.
My brotherās fiancĆ© told me that my brother saw him, and that when she told him not to talk to him, he said āwhy? he didnāt do anything wrong?ā
As if I didnāt have to leave the restaurant for 20 minutes to cry during Motherās Day dinner after my brother brought him up, not knowing we were broken up.
I hate men and I hate my ex and I hope heās miserable and still depressed and still hates himself.
Just after I turned 17, I experienced a life-altering traumatic event. My life has felt as if itās been on a near-constant downhill trajectory since.
When I was 19 and I was admitted to the psych ward, the psychiatrist told my dad in the ER that it was like I was mentally still 17; like I was stuck in the mental state that this event had put me into.
Iām 23 now. I still feel like that. I still feel stuck. I canāt move on from anything and everything just gets worse. Bad things keep happening. People keep leaving me and telling me itās my fault. My self esteem and self image and sense of self worth only get worse. I still look at the world like itās high school. I feel excluded from every clique and friend group, like a perpetual outsider, like a pathetic ugly annoying loser. I feel bitter and resentful towards everyone who looks and acts like they would have been popular in high school.
It feels like Iāve only become more unstable than I was then. Iāve only become more of an overwhelming burden. Iāve only become even harder to love. I canāt tell if Iāve even matured at all. Despite all the therapy, I feel unable to grow past everything awful thatās happened since I turned 17, and awful things just keep happening.
I donāt feel like Iāll ever get past 17. My mind is trapped there.
bpd core pt 12
I was on vacation in my favorite place in the world and he was still on my mind
I was literally driving a jet ski around wisconsin dells and I still ended up thinking about him while I was doing it
I was waiting in line for water slides with my two best friends and my mind still drifted to the absence of his presence in my life
I was staying at my favorite resort in the waterpark capital of the world and I still thought about him in the shower and while laying in bed
No matter what I did on the trip, Iād think about whether heād enjoy it or be miserable doing it
Iād think about how I couldnāt tell him how much fun I was having, because he decided he didnāt want to hear from me ever again
I couldnāt be free of my memories of him, even during one of the best weeks of my life
It feels like Iāll never escape him
I hate that my ex boyfriend is probably going to go see The Odyssey in theaters. Heās made me hate everything a man would like.
bpd core pt 11: me trying to ignore my paranoia and and mentally ill thoughts and my memories of the past
bpd core pt 10
I donāt know how not to base every aspect of my existence on what I think other people think of me and the need to be liked by everyone
