[borrowedair]

everytime he touches me

i close my eyes and picture you.

and tonight when he didn’t listen to me,

my stitches tore.

and a fucked up part of me

welcomed the searing pain

the blood pour

because i remember you kissing

the blood off my lips.

i remember you hurting me so bad,

but me taking it because it was you.

so

i guess chasing men that destroy me

is the closest i can ever come again

to being yours.

[archbudzar]

say my name

[borrowedair]

for noah

the last time i saw you, it was at the very end of a very long day out of an even longer week. your matchstick arms wrapped around me and your muffled apologies for me getting tangled in your feeding tube line are still embedded in my shirt. i’m positive if i hung it up outside where the breeze is free, your soft laugh would emanate from it. you were inquisitive at heart, fascinated with every curl of someone’s hair, every line in their face, stacked rings and blown out tattoos. you wanted to memorize everyone around you. i’m now left wondering if you knew your time was coming. if you felt death nipping at your heels and that’s why you always used oxygen you didn’t have to throw yourself in others arms. i saw the way you’d nervously adjust your shirt over the port in your stomach. i saw the way you’d cringe when the tubing giving you air to breathe would kink as the machine screamed at us to hurry. i know what it’s like to grow up more scared of not fitting in than dying. i always hoped you’d make it to 22, where you could laugh at the scar on your tummy and how silly shaped it is, how you could run up the stairs from the miracle drugs they keep putting out. but you will forever be fourteen and i will forever miss your tiny hands. the hands that would brush off the tears of the younger kids, saying “it’s okay to have big feelings. i have big feelings too and that’s alright.” the hands that would clap excitedly after i taught you a new board game. the hands that reached for cookies and dove into pockets, desperate to bring some sweetness wherever you went. the hands that used to cling to me after a long time of not seeing one another. it’s not your fault that i had such a long day. i didn’t know that it was the last time we’d hear you laugh in the halls. i didn’t know that would be the last time you’d pretend to be struggling to find the giggling toddlers hiding under the table. i didn’t know that would be the last time i’d see your eyes crinkle. i didn’t know that would be the last time you’d ask me to play cars.

if i had known, i wouldn’t of told you another time.

i want there to be another time. another time.

another time.

[borrowedair]

her face is sharp, her elbows jagged,

her eyes tired and her nose pointed.

she sits in her room and she agonizes.

she sits in her bed staring at the ceiling

because she cannot cry anymore.

she has no soft bone in her body

because the world has sharpened her.

and she cuts and she bleeds with her tongue.

she loves your touch and hates your voice

and these nights she dreams of the end.

[borrowedair]

how has it been a year.

[borrowedair]

either you don’t see how much you’re hurting me or you don’t care and i don’t know which is worse.

[borrowedair]

i should feel like i’ve won,

but i don’t.

[borrowedair]

i don’t know who you are anymore

this version of my beloved hurts so bad

please don’t let this be you

please don’t tell me i fell in love with a facade

again

[borrowedair]

i close my eyes and i see blue

i see your eyes when the light hits them

the lake we sit by while my dog runs

your shirt i throw on in the morning light

when i don’t want my body to be seen

blue is everywhere

it’s you and it’s the way you hold me

it’s the cold i feel when we fall asleep

it’s the fear that grips me when i’m alone

i’m not ready to lose you

[borrowedair]

white knuckled gripping the sink

splashing ice water in my face

then hot enough to scald

i have to look at myself

muttering “don’t drink” like a lifeline

begging my reflection to agree

pleading with myself to ignore the bottle

that was shoved in my arms tonight

with a callous “i don’t want this

and we both know you do.”

i can hear it taunting me.

if i close my eyes i can feel my throat burning.

i can feel the way it feels

when you take that last sip

you know will spin you into oblivion

i want to forget all my nights.

but i’ve been sober for awhile

the longest i’ve been yet

i’m laughing in the mirror now

my broken expression warping into

humored disdain

i don’t know if i can ignore the bottle

i don’t know if i’m strong enough to

pour it down the sink

don’t drink don’t drink don’t drink

but i remember how good it felt

to feel nothing at all

[borrowedair]

hollowing myself out night by night

seeing if i can create an expanse

that will fit you snugly

blind to the fact that i’m truly

making myself smaller and smaller

so i suit your tastes

[borrowedair]

this isn’t sustainable

laying in bed with tears in our eyes

refusing to face one another

just finding comfort in feeling the bed shake

knowing both of us ache the same

we’re torturing ourselves the longer we continue

you won’t commit

and i need it more than anything

but i’ll accept your arms at night for now

you can’t let me go

clinging to me like a small child when

i make to leave

so i stay

i love you and for awhile

i thought i could love enough for the both of us

but i’m fading

all my thoughts and all my days

utterly consumed by you

all my choices

made on how to best make you happy

i’m letting myself slip away again

pretty soon i’ll just be a reflection of you

a muddy, poor image

of the broken man i’m desperate to heal

you’ve taken all the best parts of me

and i fear there isn’t much left to give you

but still i’ll return tomorrow

and the day after that

[borrowedair]

we both know you’ll never openly love me

you’d never allow yourself to come under

that much scrutiny from our friends

even if they’re not really mine anymore

you don’t say it and yet i see it on your face

when i sit down on your couch crying once more

from texts i never expected to receive

you hesitate to touch me

when weeks ago comfort came easily

i get it

i do

to love me is to stand up to them

and who am i compared to

the brotherhood you pledged into

but i would do anything

to tell everyone who’d listen about the way

you crinkle your nose when you wink

the way your hair smells after a shower

the way freckles scatter on your back

the way you hold me so tight at night

that i struggle to breathe but refuse to ever say it

i’d do anything

to let everyone know where my hearts been

you made plans with me over the summer

painting my bedroom and

flitting around the vegetable patch

in the back of my yard

all seems out of reach now

i wondered when you’d realize

that you don’t want to go through the reality

of having me and them in your life

i’ve contented myself with being your secret

as long as you adore me when we’re alone

but now that you’re slowly slipping somewhere

my fingertips can’t always reach

i’m tired of hiding

[borrowedair]

i can’t sleep at all anymore

alternating between trying to see in the dark

of your room

while your arm is across my stomach

finding peace in the fact that one of us can rest

or memorizing the constellations

dancing on my ceiling

wondering why the distance between us

has suddenly appeared again

i’m not ready for the cold

the sun is starting to warm my skin

when i step outside and yet i know

if i enter this summer without you

i’ll freeze over

i never thought we were past this

i just simply hoped i was wrong

but everyday you sit farther away

you’re distracted when i speak and

you can hardly lift your eyes from your phone

long enough to meet mine

hours spent waiting for a reply

hours turning into days

cheap apologies and fake forgiveness

i know you’re leaving

i just don’t know why

[borrowedair]

“do you remember?

you used to breathe so loud?”

-

august

-

loving you came easy

the sweetness of our first shared smiles

like cherry juice dripping down my chin

the way my entire body felt electric

when our eyes would find each other

from across the room

the feeling of your mumbled words

into my shoulder as i’m falling asleep

the way the sun would catch your hair

gold flecks reflecting like that chain you wear

losing you was the beginning

of my undoing

laying awake remembering the way you breathe

thinking about how you taste

how i would sound

unable to comprehend that it was never real

for you

unable to accept the endless nights ahead of me

where i’ll be cold and your arms won’t be

holding me tight enough to break

i used to be your honey

craving my nectar and

leaning into my sweetest words

you were mine

my first text when i’d wake up

my midnight kiss every night

my safe place when they broke me

you became a stranger

and i froze in time

how month later we are in love

but i can’t forget the way you left

i can’t forgot the coldness of your words

i can’t forget crying outside your house

i’m scared to believe it’s real this time

terrified to memorize your freckles

petrified to move a muscle when laying with you

in case you run

eggshells are tearing into the soles of my feet

i’ve been wringing my hands for weeks

eyelids glued to the ground and

lips glistening and wet

this time i’ll make you want to stay

this time we’ll get that august honey

and we’ll make it

[borrowedair]

i trusted you to keep me safe

trusted you more than most

you betrayed me deep enough to drown

you burnt me everywhere you touched

[borrowedair]

i’m not coherent enough tonight to put into poetic words how much last night meant to me and how free it felt to fall asleep crying in someone’s arms who i know cares, but you soothed one of my most deep-rooted fears. thank you. i could listen to you breathe, feel your hair spilling on our faces, and clutch onto your arm around me any night.