For those of you who don’t care, the saga continues.
By chance, who do I catch in the corner of my eye yesterday? Fancy Pants. No lampposts were involved (thankfully). Let me say, I’m really starting to despise the five lanes of traffic on Hollywood Boulevard. By that moment on my walk to work, if I was at Marilyn Monroe, he was by Fred Astaire. Point being, through some gestured conversation, I asked for his number. We’ll see if I get it next time. I wish I had a sister for some advice on how to ask out crosswalk guy.
I also need some new suggestions for my running playlist (I run to work). It’s already filled with my queens TayTay and Beyonce. It’s the highlight of my morning, running through Los Angeles, listening to Welcome to New York.
Almost broke my neck while practicing some stunts… Apart from that, my day is going pretty well! Been having a blast on the set of the next Spiderman instalment!
...
I’m sure Marvel will love that. You reminded me of the time I didn’t land a backflip on stage- well, no, I did land it but I didn’t have the momentum to stand so I kinda just... flopped to one side. It was a beautiful moment that only lives on in old folk tales and video clips on YouTube. Glad you didn’t though.
Dude have you ever gone to one of those trampoline parks? They’re insane.
As cool as it’s been to have my dad be my manager now sometimes it’s just too much. Anyone wanna run away with me to a private island so I can finish this album? I’d go on my own but I don’t want to go alone. Kidding, sort of.
...
I’ll bring a guitar and endure the horror that would be the thought of vibing on a private island with nothing but long island iced teas and a bitchin’ acoustic session. When should I pack my bags for?
It’s so refreshing to see L.A. is almost the exact way I left it. Is it’s werid to say I missed how busy life is here. On another note hi I’m back on social media and yes anyone I mean anyone who sent me a wedding gift will be getting it returned shortly brcause if it wasn’t obvious by my disapearance and the rumor mill I did not get married, so if you see me acting mild mind ya business.
...
And here I was thinking I had successfully gotten rid of you.
Jack: Hey man! Arrived safely and settled in my room. It’s nice! I’m tired though.
Jack: Ohh alright we got this. Give me some deets. Going out or staying in?
— a few minutes later —
Jack: Hey you know that date I was gonna go on tonight? Yeah it’s not happening. We’re just gonna go have some food, just friends hanging out.
Coop: Sweet. Glad you’re settled.
Coop: Yeah I’m exhausted. I’ve been watching Simpsons in bed all morning. I feel like I should get out and do something, maybe go and have actual human interaction at some point.
Coop: How come? I’m sorry, man. I’m glad you’re still going out but I’m sorry things changed for your situation.
Jack: I got bored I guess? I don’t know. I just felt like it?
— Monday 2nd November —
Coop: Jackary, did you get to Atlanta okay? I was thinking about it earlier.
Coop: It’s my last day off before I go back into the show tomorrow. I’m trying to figure out what to do. I haven’t had this much free time on my hands, it’s wild.
Kitty stood near the front of the room where the event was being held. The perfect vantage point for checking out all the costumes and trying to figure out the best of the best and the worst of the worst for her “Best Dressed” segment on Monday’s episode of her show.
As she stood there, she noticed a figure appear next to her out of her peripheral. She tried to not pay them any attention though. She only spoke when she figured they weren’t leaving anytime soon. “The hell do you want?”
...
Arriving with Jack had been a better idea than turning up alone. The two had decided that a duo skeleton costume was the better idea over The Shining Twins. It meant he could keep his leather jacket which was all he wanted. Cooper enjoyed events but he hated the crowds and the people. A comfort in the leather jacket was subtle but it kept him level headed and grounded.
He’d been sent to scout of the food but all he’d been able to spot was the bar. Retreating to a back wall, he figured the vantage point would aid his search.
That was when the snap came in one of his ears.
Looking to the woman, he then glanced at the floor and gestured the area around him. “Correct me if I’m wrong but I fail to see your name on this piece of poorly chosen carpet design. Nor do I see any indication that I’m unable to stand here,” he shot back before looking across at her. “I’d love a drink and someone to turn the music down but hey, we don’t get everything we want.”
Involving: Cooper Anderson and Jack Carrigan.
Details: June 2019, Cooper’s apartment.
Description: When three years come to an end.
Triggers: drugs, mentions of past abuse, anxiety.
Other Notes: Naked - James Arthur.
Additional Credit: @itsjackjackattack
COOPER:
"Is there anyone I can call?"
"No," came the defeated voice.
"There must be someone?" He hadn't wanted to put this on the other man.
Cooper knew he'd just arrived back into Los Angeles. They had a date planned for tomorrow night. Cooper just hadn't been able to make it through this night. Work was chaotic, unbearable at times. He loved it, god he fucking loved it but there was only so much one man could do.
The drive home had been long, he'd been half asleep against the cool glass of the window. Hazy street-lights glistened past in some hypnotic trance every few blocks. His body ached and all he wanted to do was curl up in bed.
He'd gone too far again.
Holding on around Jack's neck, he stumbled with him to the front door of his apartment. It was situated right across the hall from Jack's. Cooper gripped onto his shoulder tightly when he could feel himself falling unsteady. A few grumbles of frustration at the way his legs wouldn't co-operate with what he wanted to do before they made it inside his apartment.
“M'fine," he pushed Jack off, able to sense the tension in the air. This wasn't the first time Jack had picked up him, far from sober and glazed eyes. A split lip marked the fight he'd gotten into earlier that evening. "Thank you," he uttered, sinking into the comfort of the couch and shedding himself of his leather jacket
________
JACK:
Jack had just got back in LA. Three movies. Why the hell had he decided it was a good idea to film three movies, one after the other? He was exhausted. No matter how much he slept, it didn't seem to go away. Nothing made it better.
Being home used to be a comfort. The little time he had always felt like a blessing. Lately that wasn't the case.
Between his mom getting worse and worse, every visit more painful than the last one, and Cooper working himself to the ground and then getting high to deal with it all, only to crash back down after, with Jack watching them both from the distance, hands tied, he felt like he was drowning.
He'd been home, relaxing, resting, trying to settle when he got the call. It wasn't the first time, but it was just as scary, that never changed. By the time he'd gotten there, he didn't even know if he was worried, scared, angry or just a combinations of it all, but he felt like there was a lump in his throat, keeping him from breathing right. He loved Cooper. Hell he loved him more than anything. But this was killing them both. Every single time he saw him like this, all he could think about was his mother. He was a kid then, he couldn't have known, couldn't have helped and he was just as lost in his own addictions. But now things were different. Now he could help, there had to be a way to help. One thing was for sure, he couldn't just sit back and watch anymore.
"I've got you." He whispered when he felt him slip from his arms and quickly held him tighter, helping him inside. The moment he was pushed away, he closed his eyes tight and breathed in. 'Breath', he reminded himself. They couldn't just pretend everything was fine, not again. He couldn't. "You're not fine."
________
COOPER:
"I overdid it just a little, so what?" he got defensive immediately.
Cooper couldn't handle confrontation. It was all his life seemed to be full of.
If is wasn't his father holding him against a wall and telling him he was a disappointment, it had been his manager. Cooper had been lucky rid himself of those worlds but he had fallen through the other side unable to cope with himself and the world around him. "I'm fine, I- I just needed a little off the edge," he explained walking to the fridge and taking out a carton of orange juice.
"I'm- stop it, Jack," he looked back at his boyfriend of three years.
The look on his face tore him in two every time. He'd seen it before.
"What do you want from me?" Cooper switched to anger immediately to hide the overwhelming sense of fear rising up through his veins. "I didn't ask you to come- I didn't- I didn't need you to pick me up-" the frustration rose with each word and it became clear very quickly that he was rambling. Apart from the fact he barely had control of his thoughts, Cooper let his mouth run when he was frightened. Finding comfort in bracing himself against the counter, he hung his head and took a deep breath. His chest was heaving and his heart was racing as a result of the toxins he'd flooded his system with hours earlier. He was in a bad state and the anxiety from the conversation was only making it worse.
________
JACK:
"Just a little? This is just a little? What's too much Cooper? What's enough?" Jack snapped back, unable to stop himself.
He'd usually let it go, he'd try to be there, comfort him, tell him tomorrow would be better. He couldn't keep doing that. It wasn't helping. He'd been right there. Refusing to get help, to accept what was happening. He had someone snap him out of it. He could only do the same for Cooper. He had to.
He listened, trying to get in his mind, trying to understand what he'd supposed to do but he shook his head "You think that's the issue here? You think i give a fuck i had to come pick you up? That's not the problem, damn it Cooper!" he groaned as he rubbed at his temples. He was so tired.
Seeing him like that, he couldn't stay angry for long, but that didn't take the hurt away. He went over to him, slowly put his arms around him and started rubbing circles over his back "Breath" he whispered as he dropped his head against his.
________
COOPER:
Cooper shot his a glare. The last thing he wanted right now was this. Not when he could barely keep himself standing, not when his head was screaming in some agonising, drumming headache. His mouth opened to argue but he genuinely didn’t have an answer for him and that only angered the man more.
He felt Jack’s arms around him and usually he’d settle into a hug. Only now he was the problem, he was the cause for the rise in anxiety. “I don’t need you,” he pushed him away and took a few steps to distance them. Covering his mouth to cough into his sleeve, he tried to regulate his breathing. This wasn’t gaining anything, this was just another pointless argument. “Just go Jack, we’ll talk tomorrow. I can’t do this right now,” he spoke a little calmer, it seemed the best option right now. Like they always did, leave it to ignore tomorrow.
________
JACK:
Jack closed his eyes again, breathed in again. He couldn't get angry too. They wouldn't get anywhere like that. "Yes you do. That's the problem, Cooper, you do need me and you need help but you won't accept that, will you?" He leaned back against the kitchen counter. Another breath.
"We're not leaving this for tomorrow again. We're not just brushing it off again." he insisted and followed him "I hate making you feel like this, but even if we talk about it tomorrow or next week, or next month, you will be feeling the exact same you're feeling now, it won't be any different." he reached out again, touched his arm this time. "Coop... i love you so fucking much. If i don't do something, if i don't help you and something happens to you..." he trailed off and let go off him, to start pacing the room.
He couldn't even think of it. "I watched mom do this to herself. Fuck i did it to myself. I can't... i won't let you go on like this."
________
COOPER:
His face twisted into a look of hurt and anger when he heard his words.
Clenching his jaw, tears prickled in the corner of his eyes as much as he tried to swallow and contain the raw emotion wanting to spill out. He didn’t need help. Jack was right. He wouldn’t admit that he knew this was destroying him as much as an unmanageable schedule was.
It was petty and he knew it, moving his arm away from Jack. Yet he also knew he needed the space. Jack was the cause of a lot of anxiety in that moment and there wasn’t a lot keeping him from trying to bolt out the door.
“I can’t Jack,” he shook his head, “please stop,” he begged him, voice breaking as a tear escaped down his cheek. “I-“ he found himself lost for words and stood with an open mouth, only able to shake his head. “I’m fine,” he repeated.
It didn’t matter how much he was in pain. How mentally he wasn’t stable from the constant mental abuse from his father. How the years under a corrupt manager had left him overworked and aching inside and out. It had been his manager who had pushed him down this route of coping. He’d been coping for so long he forgot how it was to be okay. To not wear a smile because it was the easiest thing to do. He didn’t know another option. “I won’t, Jack,” he croaked, hanging his head as it wasn’t an easy thing to confess. “I’m okay.”
________
JACK:
Jack listened and waited and tried to stay calm and find a way around this. There had to be a way. They could get through this. But the more he listened to him the more he realized, Cooper wouldn’t listen. He wouldn’t accept help and Jack would be there, watching him destroy himself. “I’m not.” He finally said.
“I’m not okay.” It was like a weight lifted off his shoulder once the words were out. “I can’t do it. I can’t sit and watch you kill yourself. I’m far from worried about you. I’m fucking terrified.” He sighed, just watching him for a moment “It has to stop, Cooper. I need to stop.” He muttered as he finally let the tears drop
________
COOPER:
The more the other spoke, the more his head and heart ached. He was already in pain, he didn't want to hear this on top of how he was feeling. A sob broke his silence as he turned away and hid his face in his shoulder for a moment. Yet he didn't stop. "Jack just shut up, just be quiet, please" he pleaded.
Looking back at him, his hands fumbled until the found the counter behind him. Something to ground himself on, something to support his weight. "I'm not gonna- I wouldn't let it get that far," he shook his head in denial. "Jack please, can we just got to bed, can we just-" he indicated the bedroom door behind his boyfriend. He was desperate to do anything but this. "Please, Jack."
________
JACK:
Jack slowly stepped closer to him as he shook his head “You have no control over it, Coop. You can’t stop. You have no control and you don’t even know it.” He lightly touched his arm and gave it a squeeze, tears rolling down his face. He couldn’t break down now no matter how much he was hurting
“I love you.” He whispered as he watched him. All he wanted to do was hold him, tell him everything would be alright but it would be a lie “Please. Let me help you. Let me take care of you, Cooper.”
________
COOPER:
Cooper let his gaze linger on Jack. Tear stained cheeks as he leant forward and held him as though his life depended on it. An overwhelming feeling was consuming him and he was afraid to acknowledge it.
"I can't do that Jack," he shook his head. "I know that if I promise you this, I'll just find a high somewhere else," he confessed. "Jack- you're not-" he broke for a moment. He didn't want to make excuses and he knew he was being selfish, to drag him through this hurt train. "You're not here all the time Jack," he looked up at him, honesty dripping from his words. "I can't promise you that I won't take the first oppourtunity to drown out my senses because my head is spinning or my- my- I loathe the reflection in the mirror or the- how-" he stopped to breathe.
Hanging his head he didn't know how to tell him that his dreams were always flooded with nightmares, that he'd grown up in a toxic industry. That from the age of six, he'd done what he loved but this world was full of corrupt individuals who only cared about how many figures you were making.
"I- I try to manage when it gets bad again, I do- I swear I do Jack," Cooper confessed. He knew Jack knew of his past. He knew of the way his manager had treated him, he knew the emotional torment his father put him through. "I'm not..." he trailed off as he took a step back. "I'm not able to change."
________
JACK:
“I know you try, love. I know you do. I am not blaming you. That isn’t what I’m doing. I’m worrying. I’m scared.” Jack pressed his lips to his temple.
He rubbed the tears off his eyes before looking at him. He had to keep it together, he reminded himself. “I know I’m... I’m barely ever around. I’ll work less. I promise. I’ll take on less work. I’ll be here. With you.” He cupped his cheek to look at him, biting his lip hard to hold back a sob “I just... I just want you to be alright. I... want you to be safe. I don’t know... what to do. I don’t know what to do.” He said before hugging him tighter.
________
COOPER:
Cooper clenched his jaw and shut his eyes. Holding him tightly, he then let go and moved away. “I don’t know how to cope without it, Jack. Everything is so fucked up,” he felt his face twist with sadness before choking a sob.
“I can’t Jack, I can’t and I wont,” he shook his head. “I’m really- really fucking sorry,” he spoke quieter. “I just don’t want to get to three months time and you find me still using. I can’t make that promise right now, I got- I got the second round of tour, then I gotta film and do festival dates in the summer. When-“ he stopped as the idea hit him. “When it’s quiet again, when work is quiet, then I’ll try,” he offered. Yet with Cooper it never was quiet, he’d been working since he was a child and didn’t know how to stop and take a break from it all.
“Jack-“ he had so much he wanted to say but he couldn’t find any of the right words. “I- I gotta do this to keep my sanity. If-“ he took a deep breath and looked away. “I’m not gonna change it Jack.”
________
JACK:
"When will that be, love? When are you taking a break?" Jack cupped his cheek and pressed his lips to his temple "I'll be there. When you're ready to get help, when you let me be there for you. But now... now i have to go. I can't pretend everything's alright, it's eating me up, it's eating us up." he slowly took a step back and closed his eyes. Keep it together he thought as he took a deep breath, eyes blurry from the tears "I love you. Nothing will change that and if you... if you need me, i'm only a phone call away. But this... i can't do. I'm sorry Cooper. I'm so sorry." he muttered with a sob that he couldn't hold back.
________
COOPER:
Cooper’s face dropped as he heard Jack. They’d never come to this point and all he could feel was panic flood his body. “Jack-“ Cooper held onto his shoulders before pulling him into a hug and holding on. If he had to hold onto him to make him stay, then he would. He wasn’t about to lose one of the few good things in his life. However, he didn’t fight him when he moved away, mainly as he didn’t have the energy to be that selfish. He knew the ball was in his court. He could make that choice but when it was your one reliance for surviving one day to the next, he wasn’t prepared to give it up. The other side frightened him. There’d been a reason he’d resulted to that first high, there was a reason he kept using and that reason terrified him. He’d found the worst way to cope, to survive on the brink of living. Sliding down the cabinet, he couldn’t hide the tears that were tumbling down his cheeks in streams. It wasn’t often anyone saw Cooper cry. It wasn’t what a man did. A man didn’t show weakness. Or so, Richard Anderson had drummed into him from a child. Pick up, move on, internalise it all.
Yet right now there was no stopping the pain that was spilling out of him. “Just go... go,” he yelled at him before cries consumed his voice.
________
JACK:
Seeing Cooper like this, hurt too much. He was the cause of it, he'd pushed too far. But maybe this was the only way. It sure was the only way he could think of anymore. Maybe if he showed him, maybe if he could make him say how far things had gone, had bad it was, maybe Cooper would let him try to help.
Hearing him yell at him to leave, was like he suddenly standing under cold water. That wasn't supposed to happened. He had actual planned to leave, not really. He'd only wanted to show him how much this was hurting them both. He couldn't even think of his life without Cooper. He wouldn't choose the drugs over him. Right? That wouldn't happen. He was staring at him, frozen in place.
It took a lot of effort to push through the shock and react. "What..." he muttered "What?" he tried to take a step closer but he realized, too late, that he had gone too far, he had done this, he had pushed too much. He was arrogant to think Cooper would just accept help over losing him. It was that easy. Cooper was suffering and he'd only added to that suffering. He'd only made it harder for him to recover. "Cooper... i... i am sorry. I am so sorry. I didn't... i'm... i love you."
________
COOPER:
“Just shut up, Jack. Just shut.. up” he snapped at him before wiping his eyes and burying his head in his arms. He already felt alone, even with the other man still inches away from him. He’s given up on him and Cooper knew there was one person left in the world who hadn’t. He wanted to go home.
Choking on sobs, he felt consumed in grief. He’d lost someone he loved, someone he cared for deeply. He had tried to explain. To explain that it wasn’t a choice at this stage. It was a fear. It was a way to survive. It was a comfort. A siren in the water, one that tempted him in with release from the agony of living but turned around and wrapped its hand around his throat. “Just go, Jack,” he told him, voice defeated. Eyes stained red and face damp with tears. He kept his gaze on the floor, unable to look at him or say goodbye. This was the end.
________
JACK:
He'd lost him. He'd really lost him over his own stubbornness and arrogance, thinking he could make him see what he saw, by pushing him too far and now it was too late. He regretted every word, but that didn't make them any less true. He couldn't sit by and watch him kill himself, he couldn't see him take his mother's path. Maybe this was for the best, for both of them, as much as it broke his heart. He took a step back from him, tears rolling down, face red, breathing heavily as he took more steps backwards "I'm sorry Cooper..." he said quietly, not even sure he'd heard before he turned around and walked to the door. He reached to open it, waiting, hoping but deep down he knew it wouldn't happen. He opened the door and stepped out, stopping himself from looking back.
________
COOPER:
The sound of the door closing hurt more than any words could.
Pressing his palms over his eyes, he let his shoulders shake with quiet sobs as his mind tried to free itself from the fear and panic rising in him. He had lost the person he loved, there was no easy way to digest that. He knew it was his own fault, he knew that.. but he couldn’t lie to him. He couldn’t look him in the eye and tell him he’d relapsed after a month or so like he usually did.
Life just wasn’t in a right place to stop; to cut the root and leave the tree to fall. He knew that. There wasn’t time in his life to stop and deal with the mess.
Now was the time to do the most important lesson his mother had taught him.
Welcome the pain, shake its hand politely, embrace it.
Pamela Anderson had seen him through many heartaches and was often a warden to help fight the anxiety that took over during his childhood years.
Next, to move back from it, inhale deeply and take a step forward.
Finding his feet, he wiped his face on his sleeve before reaching for a glass from his whiskey set. His hand hestitated before dropping. His eyes lingered on the bottles atop the upright piano before he slumped onto the stool and tapped at a few ivory keys. Music was always a comfort, especially the piano.
Jack had been right.
It had been a couple of weeks at home when his mother found him on the floor of his teenage bedroom. He’d woken up in hospital a day later.
That was the wake up call that stuck.
Brown eyes lingered over the hazy street lights of Boston harbour. He’d chosen to stay at home and attend a rehabilitation centre where his Mom could come and visit often. Six long months this place became his home.
Days were long and short, weeks dragged and months flew.
Yet his favourite view was from his room. A wide window lay just beyond the bed and he could see the harbour. It was a place he loved most. Cooper had spent many years running up and down past the heavy metal chains. He’d researched the ships that had docked there and fascinated himself with the history. If anywhere was going to ground him, then it would be here, this was home.
Hearing his phone buzz, he smiled at the goodnight text from his mother. No matter where in the world, what timezone he was in or what time it was. She always sent him a text goodnight followed by other sentiments.
That was the moment he spotted a familiar name. He’d not spoken to him in months, hell, maybe longer. His heart still ached over that night.
It took several rewrites and a burst of courage to press the first send.
Jack: I mean I’ll get some waffles in me. Worse thing that could happen I fuck it up and I can’t look at the guy for the rest of filming the show. Heh.
Jack: hey I’ll be here next weekend dude! I’m not going anywhere Coop. I love you a bit too much to go too far.
Jack: Yeah I don’t like how people are looking at me like I’m edible.
Coop: When in doubt, find the food.
Coop: My life motto, what is it you think I'm doing right now? Finding the damn buffet and by hell it's good.
Coop: Eh it's not like you can get off the planet, so you'll always be in a planet's reach of me.
Coop: That's because you're a damn snack, Jackattack.
