To Speak of Suicide
I feel like I want to say something about the recent suicide talk that has begun from the deaths of Kate Spade & Anthony Bourdain. I'm not here to bash anyone. I cannot possibly give definitive answers on suicide as a whole, or why some people would choose to end their life. Â I can only share my own story.
My Dark Summer was the summer of suicide. The desire followed by a very new awakening. It could be said, as it has been with others⌠Why? You haveâŚ
Suicide isn't about what you have. It often focuses on what you don't have. âŚwhat you recently lost. âŚ.what you feel you never had. âŚpainful memories. âŚhow "different" you are.
You don't just "need friends". You need people who can survive hearing the dark pages/chapter[s] of your story. Who can listen as you tell not just what you're missingâŚalso how what you're missing makes you feel. I feel like some of my life has been finding the balances. The balance of allowing my true self to be seen/experienced/knownâŚwithout, somehow forcing my real self upon anyone close enough. The balance of getting some of what I need/want⌠without the feeling that I should get whatever I think I need/want no matter what. [I've actually gotten to the place, where I've chosen to not get things, solely for the purpose of knowing I cannot ever get all I want. Kind of living out the message of the song: I Want Never Gets by Michel Roe. Or the Proverb: "The more you have, the less you are."] I'm trying to do a "The Twelve Project". Jesus had twelve people who were with him while he lived here. They lived with him, daily, throughout his ministry. If it was good enough for himâŚmaybe I should "take a hint", no?
I want to post a thousand music videos⌠inspirational quotes⌠TWLOHA videos⌠none of that would be bad, mind you. [& I still might] However, what works for me won't work for everyone.  We cannot force people to stay alive. To want to be alive. Also, solving a problem [or trying to come up with a myriad of solutions/songs/quotes/videos for someone's problems] will never trump truly listening to them share⌠telling them afterward that what they shared has not diminished our love for them. [& we won't be publishing it⌠anywhere! -in any way, shape, or form] Our belief that they are special, priceless⌠cannot be smeared by their failures, longings, or brokenness. The only way we can really help a person struggling with suicide is if they take the scary risk of being known. [& we provide them with the space, love, calmness, & closed mouth-ness that makes that possible] Sharing that they are in a dark place. That they want to die. The only way they will be able to do this, is if they know we care & will listen without fixing/judging them. All we can do is show & tell those we care about, "Hey, I'm thinking of you today." "I miss you." "Can we get together again, soon?" "I'm so glad you're in my life." "I love that you're good at [fill in the blank]. I sometimes wish I could do that."
 My own Dark Summer was toughâŚbut⌠I hadn't lost my parents. I hadn't lost all my friends. I hadn't lost God. âŚI lost the will to reach out to them. I lost the ability to see what I still had. -To see them. All I could see is what I had lostâŚ.what I was lacking âŚhow damaged/weird/strange/ "different" I am from everyone else. âŚhow much I was "not a real man, enough"⌠I can cookâŚbut I cannot fix a car. I'm deficient in that area. [you know, you can't be good at everything. Who wants to be friends with someone who doesn't need anybody's help? Because they can do everything well, themselves.] When I came to the end of my dark suicidal summer⌠God was patiently waiting for me. [he was never really further away than arm's length] Our relationship has never been the same. The end of that summer⌠was the origin of my statement of how much I need God. "I need God so bad, I can taste it."
 Do I still have times where those sentences/thoughts creep in? Yes. They're allowed to walk by & wave⌠"visit" for a few hours [to remind me of what I, willingly, left]⌠but they are not allowed to drive⌠to look at the maps⌠or even touch the radio. "You can go your own wayâŚ" [just don't expect me to follow]. I want to die⌠when it serves God's purpose, & not before.
 To family, friends, etc that will suddenly know this⌠I'm ok. I just felt my words & concern would mean more if I shared some back story. Feel free to ask questions. I may [or may not] have answers for you. I love you, I'm glad you're here. You help more than you know.
 God⌠I've written a thousand poems to you. Yet⌠I haven't even started to speak of how great you are⌠or how great my need for you is. There are no songs, no art, no music, no language on this planet that can truly articulate how great you are.[I will use some, anyway] I need you "like the flowers need the rain, you know I need youâŚ"
"âŚlike black coffee, like nicotine, I need your loveâŚ"
I need you⌠more than I'll ever need oxygen.
