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Time, it fucking works

Weeks 4 to 6

It's been almost a month since my last post. So many changes to my body that each time I sat down to write it felt overwhelming to capture it all.

Week 4

This was the week when I let my anxiety get the better of me. Why couldn't I walk normally yet?! Why couldn't I straighten my leg fully?! In my desperation, I was deep in the rabbit hole on ACL social media. Like most content on Instagram, the underlying theme of most posts is "I am superior to you," or in this case "I am rehabbing better than anyone else has ever rehabbed before. Also buy my course, link in bio." This desperation saw me connect with a physiotherapist on the mainland who believes the ACL can heal itself. Worth a shot, right?

Foreshadowing: I have since given up on this approach. More on that in Week 6.

There was one major win though. In order to assess my regrowth "viability," the physiotherapist needed my MRI images. In 2026, these images were burned onto a CD at the hospital. Yes, a CD. Bless my friend who still had a 2010-era laptop with a disc drive. Always fun to see inside your own body. I will cherish these forever.

Weeks 5 & 6

So how does one regrow their ACL? You keep your leg bent at 30 degrees for a minimum of 1 month, and then you pray. I was committed to trying this and for the first week wore my brace religiously.

I was experiencing increasing leg pain during this time, which became harder and harder to ignore. This pain coincided with a trip to Vancouver and I did my best to live a normal life while visiting with friends.

I rode a bike, outside! I went in the ocean! I stood in line for far too long at a hip new restaurant! I went to the Mumford and Sons concert! (Hack: Buy a nosebleed ticket and then get injured and then swap your ticket for one in the much better, much closer to the stage accessible zone.)

The fun was a good distraction from my growing pain and by the time I arrived back home, I knew another 2.5 weeks of this was not going to happen. I'd also heard back from my surgeon and getting surgery sooner now seems more likely. No more 30 degree bend. No more pain.

The good

A funny phenomenon - The hair on my injured leg is growing at 3x speed compared to my left. The body is working overtime and I am shaving more than ever

I am taking so many supplements and vitamins, it's embarrassing

I'm cleared to walk (within reason), ride a bike outside, and try aquafit

My swelling is so much better. I need to see my kneecap again, I miss her

The bad

My mental health, lol

More observations on how strangers react to me

The brace is a magnet for people with no social grace. I have come to expect at least 1 interaction a day. Shoutout to the guy who cornered me in H-Mart for a good 10 minutes. Sorry sir, I will not be buying DMSO cream.

Emo thoughts

The path to recovery/normalcy isn't linear. It is lonely. It hurts. It gives you purpose. The path is paved and then it's gravel. The path leads you up a mountain with no view and then asks you why you need a view at all. The path makes me want to kill myself in a non-suicidal way, if you know what I mean. Onwards!

Feeling optimistic, also dreadfully sad

Week 3

Each day is a pendulum. A win, a loss, a moment of calm and then a flood of exhaustion.

Also, I have entered the ACL algo on instagram. It's a scary place!!!

The good

My brace is working well and I'm slowly regaining a normal walking gait

I've been cleared to ride a recumbent bike at the gym. I foolishly asked my PT how many minutes I should aim for the first time. She said "Don't worry about that, you'll feel it." And I felt it. It took a solid 10 minutes to work up to one full rotation and boy did it hurt

Since then, I've been managing 30 minutes semi-comfortably

Met David Sedaris at his reading in Victoria. He signed my book

The bad

The meeting with the surgeon was a tad disappointing. Due to surgery wait times, it's going to be a long time until my ACL is repaired

My sleep is horrible -- wearing the brace almost 23 hours a day is extremely irritating

It's hard to focus at work and it's hard to care about designing a new website when walking up and down stairs is still a struggle

My right leg is shrinking from muscle loss !!! After years of hating my body and wanting to be smaller, not how I imagined it happening

More observations on how strangers react to me

I spoke about this phenomenon with my therapist and she confirmed it's very common. Her advice? Simply tell people it's not helpful to hear their advice or story and just walk away.

You didn't even make yourself

Week 2

Monday, May 4. Today was a hard day. The MRI results came back and I think almost everything that could be torn or damaged is. Full ACL tear, partial PCL and MCL. This confirms I will need surgery. f

The unknown of what happens next is... a lot.

There are things I know I have to let go of and give up. The small joys I look forward to, especially with summer upon us. I will mourn these quietly and in private. Diving into water is one I’m sad to lose. Really getting better at anything physical. Lying on the sand at the beach. Swimming. Running. Walking for that matter, ha! Kissing. I dunno, the thought of being intimate right now, I have a hard time believing it would go well.

Brace day

Tuesday, May 5. New brace, more mobility. One of my best friends was in town and drove me to my ortho appointment. This is love. She said I'm being stoic through all of this. thank you, I don't know if I agree but it's nice to hear.

How much would you guess a knee brace costs? $1,500!!! That's insane.

The good

With my new brace, I can drive again. Freedom!

Over this second week my range of motion has really improved

My swelling has also improved (although not enough apparently because strangers are still commenting on it)

I have an appointment with a surgeon soon to discuss ACL next steps

I've found some creative ways to get a bit of cardio at the gym, like using the rowing machine with 1 leg

The bad

I'm having to navigate the feelings of people around me. It’s too much and I’m alone in this space

Russell told me he's not changing his life at all to help me out, so I'm still doing 95% of all the household chores and errands. file this one under reverse karma for him

I have to sleep with my new brace on

More observations on how strangers react to me

I should be recording these in the moment -- something to work towards

Took the bus downtown wearing my full leg brace. The driver refused to let me pay and then yelled at the other passengers for not making space for me in the accessible seats. When I got off he gave me a free day pass. Thank you kind sir

Grocery shopping -- an older woman wearing noise cancelling headphones was blocking the entire aisle with her cart. I just stood there and waited for her to finish, I don't have the energy right now to be confrontational... She finally noticed me. "You know an 'excuse me' goes a long way," she snapped. I just nodded and slowly limped past her. Only after noticing my injury did she apologize

A really nice older gentleman at Oak Bay Rec struck up a conversation with me. He works as a gym attendant and was so sweet and caring helping me with the equipment. He's a veteran and experienced multiple knee surgeries himself

For better or worse, we all yearn for more connection and community. We just need a reason to start talking and I provide that outlet.

Stuff that once took up brain space, now all I think about is my knee (rolling list, updated as necessary)

Should I attempt laser hair removal again? Is it a scam or did I give up too soon last time?

The ceiling in our kitchen needs to be repainted

Am I going grey?

What's the deal with creatine

I'm not reading enough. I have too many books rn

Should I try to get into Euphoria?

My bed sheets suck

My phone is always dying!!!! I need a new phone

Will he reach out?

I should save more money

I should spend more money

Is it cringe to listen to Olivia Rodrigo as a 34 year old woman

Does my face look bad?

Am I in perimenopause?

Why is my hair so greasy?

For a self-identifying fast walker, this shit is rough

Week 1 I've decided to document the journey my knee injury will take me on. One week in and it feels like I have lived many, many lives.

The good

Day 1 to 3, I could not walk at all without the brace and crutches. Day 4 to 7, I only needed the brace. I can feel my body wanting to move

A lot of friends want to help me. I need to be better at accepting their help!

I was able to get an MRI within a week. If you know anything about B.C. medical wait times, this is truly a miracle

The bad

Everything I do takes forever now. Dressing, showering, even going to the bathroom

I feel disconnected from my body

The care I received at the emergency room was sub-par and this theme continued throughout the week as I navigated the healthcare system. You have to advocate for yourself. You have to be persistent

Some people in my life are reluctant to acknowledge my new physical limitations. I understand this POV, it's safer for them and their own insecurities/needs

Observations on how strangers react to me

I had a suspicion that being a woman navigating the world in a full leg brace would elicit some interesting behaviour and I was correct. When I put on my user researcher hat and observe how others react to me, I feel shielded from the vulnerability of being disabled in public. So far:

With no surprise, men are much more likely to comment on my situation and offer advice

A lot of people make a big gesture about holding a door or elevator open. I can see it makes them feel good

The sight of my extremely swollen knee is also ripe for discussion. One man (who was injecting me with botox so I can understand his fixation on "perfection") blurted out "Your knee is very swollen" with the implication that it was puffy and inflamed -- ie ugly! Which is it and probably will be for a long time. But society really has it out for inflammation these days

At the gym, no one asks me if I'm almost done on a machine. It's great

My working theory at this point is people feel permission to comment on my temporary disability, compared to someone living with a chronic, permanent situation.

In my day job, our goal is to design government services and experiences that work for everyone, which means designing with accessibility in mind. As we like to say, "Everyone is temporarily able-bodied." I never disagreed with this sentiment, but it honestly felt like something that wouldn't happen to me. I would go on being healthy and normal forever.

Now I'm a reminder to others that yes, this could happen to you and yes it sucks.

👍 for Paris

I’m posting again. I am unhinged and 34 and in Batumi in a luxury hotel with a view of the Black Sea and sad and happy and beautiful.

NYE25 - is this thing on? I'm back.

March 2026

Lake Garda, September 2019

Our first Michelin Star meal... perfecto ✨

Lake Garda, September 2019

Mom’s belated birthday lunch. Dining lakeside @ Lido 84

Parma, September 2019 A lack of a plan is a plan, just walking around and looking at stuff. No wine glasses at this restaurant, in this region they use small bowls.