TLDR: I recently had the best sex/scene of my life and Iām kind of sad about itā¦.
You ever had a scene that breaks down walls that you didnāt even realize you had built up? Yeahā¦itās rough to come down from that. Itās been almost 2 weeks and Iām still processing and I think Iām finally ready to put it into words. It was the most amazing scene Iāve ever had, but it opened some doors that arenāt going to be easy to close again, even if I wanted to. I didnāt realize how much I was limiting myself and holding back from things under the guise of āprotecting myself.ā I preach to others about not making yourself smaller for other people and never believing that youāre ātoo muchā because of your needs. I didnāt really realize how much I was doing that to myself in kink.
Iāve realized that I was subconsciously trying to comfort myself by telling myself that itās okay, and better even, that I canāt find a steady Dom because no one will ever be able/willing to fully accommodate my AuDHD needs. And then this Dom comes along and completely destroys that logic. He communicated so openly and effortlessly. He asked the right questions and actually listened to what I was saying, as well as what I wasnāt saying. He made accommodating my needs not only seem completely normal and simple, but he made it sexy too.
Iāve always had trouble being still in a scene. My trouble with recognizing and interpreting social cues makes me second guess what Iām supposed to be doing, where Iām supposed to be positioned, and what Iām supposed to do with my hands. And Iāve been accused of being a āpillow princessā and ānot being willing to do any workā too many times to not be anxious about it. He said āno problem, Iāll fully restrain you. Iāll move you into whatever position I want you and youāll stay there.ā
Eye contact is extremely challenging for me, especially during sex. Am I supposed to close my eyes? Is making eye contact supposed to make things more sensual or just more awkward? Does closing my eyes make it seem like Iām detaching from the scene and not paying attention? Will I get distracted with something else going on and unintentionally detach from the scene? He said āno problem, Iāll put a blindfold on you. All of your focus will be on my touch.ā
Dirty talk has never been easy for me. I donāt know what to say and I donāt want to say the wrong thing. Simply saying āyes, Sirā doesnāt seem like enough sometimes, but I donāt want to make it awkward. He said āno problem, youāll be on speech restriction or Iāll gag you.ā
While sounds can be helpful, I sometimes get anxious when I can hear things happening and donāt know what it is. Or Iām concerned that Iāll get distracted with street noise or something and not be able to focus. He said āno problem, Iāll put sound blocking headphones on you with simple music.ā
While Iāve been transitioning for 13 years now and rarely feel dysphoric in my normal life, sex is definitely one area that Iām more hesitant about my body. Iāve had too many guys react negatively to my body and it makes me anxious every time I have sex with a new person, especially if theyāve never been with a trans guy before. They say theyāre cool with it, but will they be when they actually see my body? He was comfortable and confident in how he touched me. And while part of that may be because heās bisexual and has both a cis male and a cis female partner, he still knew exactly how to handle the complexities of a body that is AFAB but has had changes from long-term T and HRT. When there wereā¦complicationsā¦caused by the combination of my infrequent sexual interaction, my desire for rough sex, and years of testosterone changing my bodyās reaction to that roughness, I was embarrassed and dysphoric. I thought heād never want to play with me again. He handled it smoothly, reminding me that itās a normal thing for a human body and itās not a setback or a turnoff, just something to be aware of for next time we play.
All this to say, while this was an amazing experience and Iām excited to have another scene with this Dom, it actually makes me kind of sad too. How many experiences have I held myself back from because of this barrier that Iāve subconsciously put up? Why has it taken me this long to realize it could be this good? Was it me that wasnāt communicating well enough? While talking about this with my therapist this week, he pointed out that Iāve taught and preached āRisk Aware Consensual Kinkā for many years and Iāve always understood and accepted the *physical* risks of my play, but Iāve completely ignored the mental and emotional risks. I hate when heās right, and like a good therapist, I wanted to tell him to fuck off for that. But he is right. And while Iām sad that itās taken this long to come to this realization, Iām also glad that Iām only 25 instead of 35 or 40 when it happened.
So yeah, remember not to make yourself smaller for someone else. And remember to really take a good look at whether youāre following the rules and advice that youāre giving to others.š
