Day 9 - A Hidden Face

Kaledo Art
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@bpdirt
Day 9 - A Hidden Face
ok but do you understand how exhausting it is for me to never get a break from me
i must be exhausting for you, and i’m sorry
friend: are you alright?
me: *finger guns* no!!!
us borderlines don’t give ourselves enough credit for living despite our brains trying to kill us
BPD breakdowns are the wildest cause they’re so intense, they take over your whole body, it feels like they’ll never end and your whole WORLD is ending.
Then your mood swings back and it’s like it never happened and everything is fine
hey! do you by any chance know if you need to have flashbacks to be traumatised? I have a c-ptsd and bpd diagnosis (&more) but I only ever have bodily flashbacks to the sexual assault and never any kind of flashbacks to the lifelong abuse from my parents (about every kind but slightly less physical than all else) but I've repressed most of it and don't remember most details and maybe thats why I don't have flashbacks? I'm really worried it means I'm just making it all up n its not actually abuse
i’m not a doctor, but i don’t believe flashbacks are a mandatory symptom of ptsd, just a very common one. i also don’t remember most of my childhood and very rarely have actual flashbacks to moments from back then (though when i do they’re definitely more intense than anything else because they’re shoved deep down within my psyche).
repression is another very real form of trauma.
humans also have the ability to experience extensive abuse and come out of it un-traumatized. another possibility is the sexual assault just affected you more than the abuse from your parents did. in that case, it still wouldn’t mean you weren’t abused, you’d just have responded differently.
going either way, it doesn’t sound like you’re making anything up. be it repression or something you adapted to, i’m sorry your parents treated you like this.
*starts to get better*
me: oh no oh no oh no
do you think there's a difference between having bpd or having severe depression/anxiety that causes you to act irrationally which might resemble borderline behavior? are those disorders all interconnected somehow? hope this makes sense xx
tl;dr: yes there is a difference. yes they are also connected.
though these things often go hand in hand, they are not interchangeable. even just going off of basics, bpd is a personality disorder, while depression and anxiety fall under mood disorders. speaking strictly medically, they aren’t in the same categories.
unfortunately, it’s very easy to mix these things up, as their symptoms cross streams constantly, so while your depression/anxiety combination could never be categorized legitimately as a personality disorder, you could very well exhibit many of the same symptoms and behaviors that one with bpd would.
the easiest way to look at the difference between a mood disorder and a personality disorder is that while a mood disorder focuses on, you guessed it, mood (or, more accurately, how an individual experiences and deals with emotions), personality disorders highlight a fundamental difference between an individual with said disorder and what’s considered the “norm.”
so, while someone with depression may act out similarly to someone with bpd during an episode (or a period of intense emotional output), it is considered a temporary departure from their norm, as they will eventually return to an emotionally balanced state. on the flip-side, while there is the possibility for someone with a personality disorder to be in a stage of “remission” where they are more or less emotionally leveled, as a whole the individual would live constantly in that state of emotional flux (or emotional stagnation depending on the pd), never quite returning to what others would consider balanced.
this fact ties into why many with personality disorders have trouble managing interpersonal relationships: at their roots they are vastly different than the majority (compare this with someone with depression who is “usually normal” but can become erratic under certain circumstance). there is leeway here too, of course, as the amount of time individuals experience their anxiety or their “bouts of depression” vary, but those who experience them for longer periods tend to begin trending towards a bipolar disorder diagnosis (which is one of the most common misdiagnosis before borderline). so...as i said, it’s really all muddy waters.
sorry it’s such a long winded reply, it was an attempt to be thorough. hope it helps. it’s still fairly confusing, and given the fact that even trained professionals often cannot tell the difference, i think it’s fair to be a bit lost on the matter.
me (doesnt trust any amount of kindness, cuts ppl off if they get too close, goes thru long periods of not talking to ppl): wtf why dont i have any friends
me: I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF
someone: what’s wrong??
me: oh it’s over already don’t worry lol
me: well that’s enough happiness for today
me: *deliberately wrecks my shit*
i feel left out but i dont know what i feel left out from
yeah ofc i have feelings
they’re inaccessible i cant understand process or express them but sure buddy
hi, I’m sorry if you are the wrong person to ask, but I’ve been thinking I have bpd and schizoaffective personality disorder for months now, do you know how/where I can get diagnosed professionally?
see a mental health professional