have you ever seen a human heart?

it looks like a fist wrapped in blood.

[bpdladybird]

He came around again today, it’s definitely got to be for me. Later, when we were on the second floor he came up to seemingly check something, despite never being on the second floor by the lockers. As we left to go down with the elevator, he ran over to stop us and take it down with all of us.

I also think he was waiting outside the office yesterday to say bye when I was heading out.

I thought I was reading into it but everyone has confirmed that no one has ever seen this man so often since he and I started the flirtation.

I’m kind of sad that he’s going on holiday. I was hoping to get his number or Instagram or something.

[bpdladybird]

God I keep wanting to kiss him again

Honestly, I also really want him to fuck me into oblivion. I think that would do me wonders.

I’m worried that acting on this too soon will ruin the fun and tension we have going on right now though. I’m also worried that he’s seeing someone else.

[bpdladybird]

The dates to keep track

Wednesday dec 4 break up

Monday 9 hang out

Wednesday 11 new connection, visit & metro ride

Thursday 12 kiss two people, one for fun and one for real

Friday 13 work and second kiss

Sunday 15 out of town/at home, but new guy came round to visit while I wasn’t there

Monday 16 second hang out, kind of boring

Wednesday 18 he came around to visit again

[bpdladybird]

My Uber driver was so sweet and kind and attractive. I was so tempted to say yes to his advances and proposal to go out with me. I appreciate that he respected me when I said no and frankly, it only made the whole situation feel worse because he seemed so genuine.

This is the most romantic affection I’ve gotten I’m a while now. It’s crazy to think I have a partner and my Uber ride home was the thing that has felt the most romantically fulfilling in weeks.

The neglect I have felt brought me nearly as close as I have been to purposeful infidelity. I think the only time closer was when I went to Spain and could not get the thought of Cheating on Adrian off my mind. That was more than just neglect on his part though. He was generally just an awful boyfriend and perhaps that should have been a sign that I was severely unhappy.

In this situation, I am severely unhappy and I know it. I don’t need a sign. I am figuring out when I have to call it quits.

This interaction was just strange. I’ve felt so unwanted and unattractive these days that having this man flirt and sweet talk me filled this deep and bottomless craving I have for connection.

While I say I was tempted towards the lure of infidelity, it’s not even necessarily that I want to cheat. It’s that there was something there that reminded me of S and ultimately, I want him. I wouldn’t have minded this other man… but it’s not what I want. I want S and I need to feel loved and wanted, simple as that.

[bpdladybird]

Speaking what’s on my mind helped but I feel just as helpless. At least now I know there is nothing I can do.

If I have to remain unloved by someone else for however long I continue to exist, I have to learn to love myself. The strides are big, but it’s not yet enough. Maybe one day I will be so full of love that I couldn’t possibly imagine needing someone else to help me. For now… I persist —alone, unloved, unwanted.

[bpdladybird]

I had to beg to have my hand held today and immediately cried. I’m pathetic. A crying baby because I am so touch starved

[bpdladybird]

I feel so scared and anxious all the time that I’m not enough and will never be. That I’m sad and boring and that no one wants me to be around on a deeper level. I am always waiting to be left.

Does being loved mean that I have to be perfect?

[bpdladybird]

I’m too easily attached and obsessive. I want to be with someone who claws at me in the same way I claw at them. I don’t know how to find that or be that. I often feel like I’ve lost the ability to be in a relationship that’s not platonic or just casual sex. I’m devoted and unendingly dedicated but I think I just don’t know how to be myself if I’m not alone. Being known requires action from both parties and I just don’t think I can feel interesting enough to allow someone to observe me. Each experience has been an exercise and confirmation that I am not worth the effort of knowing.

I had a date on Monday and despite the cultural and linguistic differences I think we both had a nice time. I want more though. I want to be consumed and I want to feel loved. I want the soreness of sex to ache through my body every day. He fucked me so hard I could still feel the pressure of him inside me for two days straight. I wish I’d been able to cum but we used condoms. There were so many moments where I felt him bare against me, the tip of his head right at the entrance and I’d hoped that he’d accidentally (or not so accidentally) slip inside of me raw. He was good about it I suppose, contentious. I hadn’t told him I was on birth control and had tested negative so if he had fucked me raw, it probably would have changed my perspective of him.

I hadn’t had sec in so long that it felt like he’d split me in two once he was inside of me, each thrust splicing through me, dividing me, multiplying me. I wanted to tell him how big he felt and how full I was with him but I wasn’t sure of how to say it in French. I made a mental note late to find erotica in french or to look up french porn or something just so I could tell him how badly I wanted his cock.

I should have given him a blowjob or something and really gone in on the whole slut experience. Maybe we’ll see each other again and I’ll have more to say and do. Maybe then I can prove that I can be a pretty little whore in bed and that I’m worth having around even if only for that.

[bpdladybird]

I have a date with some guy this weekend. He’s attractive and we share similar interests so far. He seems like he could be cool. I’m still just thinking about the girl I kissed though. I think it’s the unfulfilled promise of it, the things that could have been. I think about how much I want to try something sapphic. Is it an inherent part of me that’s missing? I love the idea of being with another woman and I think that there is a way that kind of live could be deeper than anything that I’ve shared with a man. I also think about how much I’ve enjoyed men. There’s just something missing. Maybe it doesn’t have to do with gender at all, maybe it’s just that I feel unheard everywhere I go. I’m dying to be loved and understood and cared for. I think I’ve been crushed so often that it’s hard to even imagine a connection anymore. Who would want me? But then I also remember that every time I go on a first date that it could be the last first date. Take that as you will. I remember being so angry when I was accused of desperation after an amazing first and second date. I hadn’t dated anyone in years and I’d been turning people down back then. I was so livid at the assumption that my excitement at the potential of a relationship was because I was desperate for one and not because the match seemed good. Now, I do feel desperate. I no longer feel loved and cared for or supported or understood or thought of. I want to give to my friends so badly and I constantly wish for them to be the same but even the best of friends can’t give me the love I’m asking for. So I have to rely on some stranger who might learn to love me one day, maybe. I’m still thinking of her and the kiss though.

[bpdladybird]

I’ve become obsessed with the kiss. I’m glad she was braver than me. I want more. I don’t think it’s because I’ve abstained but I do think the pause in pursuing someone has made everything a little more intense. When I think about how it was with J and S after having abstained, I was obsessed with a kiss too. I was obsessed with a simple touch and a gaze. This time, I’m caught between the panic that something went wrong, that it was bad, maybe my breath smelled bad, and the constant craving and desire for more. I play the image of her leaning in and then pulling away only to smile and and hungrily pull me in for more. For the first time in a long time, I don’t want t be a selfish lover.

[bpdladybird]

A kiss! A kiss!

[bpdladybird]

Screaming through the perpetual void of loneliness

[bpdladybird]

I think I need to start writing a book, tackle it all and figure out what it all means

[bpdladybird]

My endless thoughts about losing her are nearly unbearable. I’m stuck wondering what I could have done and what could have been. I wonder if we could ever come together again. All I am sure of is that I love her and that, at this moment, she has moved on. I love her and because if that, I have to let her go. I have to let her be.

[bpdladybird]

Ever since finding out that they all hung out without me and there was a nice little session of talking behind my back… I feel terrible. I’m grateful that I’m a little bit insane and keep track of everything, that I keep all the dates and all the evidence because I found out that she’s saying that certain verifiable facts are untrue. I started doubting myself so I went back and checked and I still have my evidence. Thank god. But I am now somewhat concerned that I will be losing friends over this. I am concerned that just because I have this evidence, that my word still won’t be taken as fact and that I will be taken less seriously bc of my nature, resulting in the loss of friends regardless. I didn’t realise that my position was so precarious, frankly. On the other hand, I feel a sense of crazy and innate satisfaction knowing that I am not as deeply moved and horribly hurt in the aftermath as the other parties. I set it behind me and have accepted the freedom and the loss that has come in the wake of things. I cannot deny that it has given me a thrill knowing that losing me is literally nauseating to her when it does not feel that way to me. I felt relief ending things. I felt free and strong. I would never admit this to our mutual friends because they do not need to know that I am not feeling benevolent or tactful in any way and I will continue lying through my teeth in order to maintain those friendships because they matter to me. Still, with all my precautions, I am concerned that they will stop believing me. I am also aware that several unfavourable things have been said about me. I will just have to accept that perhaps this is the end? I will make new friends and if they no longer want to be in my life that there is nothing I can do to force it, as upsetting as that might be. I think witnessing this happening in my sister’s life is helping me make sure I am making the right decisions. Nothing is permanent. Maybe I need to loosen my grip and let go of the precautions in general? Idk, I’ll see.

[bpdladybird]

It’s almost been a year since we last spoke and I’m still crying about losing her. When I think about who I want in a partner I always think about her. I know I am no longer part of her life and will likely never be welcome again. I really hope that one day I will see her again, somehow. I hope that one day I can tell her that I loved her and I regretted never telling her. I hope that one day she might forgive me. I don’t know how to fill the void she left.

[bpdladybird]

Signed my lease today! I’m ecstatic <3