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@bpliant-blog
3 day weekend. Dog park, video games, home cooking, and the drive-in. Opening weekend for Solo. Eggs is asleep on my lap and Oso is nodding off beside him. Falling asleep watching a movie is "The American Way" as Justin says.
Every day I find a new happy place.
Tomorrow is the Strawberry Festival.
It's been a long year and I'm in a beautiful new place.
Extrovert "noise" is infinitely less interesting than introvert musings. Must study this. Success lies in the ability to convert A to B...adjust for the unfamiliar, not just existing as the self. Shit.
Overwhelming optimism. If only for a moment... Honestly idgaf. Happy, fat, sleeping baby. Friends in town. Big changes in the horizon... Exciting, despite the profound loss. Body acting as according to our regularly scheduled program. Just, not things promised on the horizon. Love it.
Follow up then try again
Okay. Situation resolved. Long story SUPER short: I was pregnant with twins. One in the uterus, one in the fallopian tube. One growing, one failing. Who knows what would have been... Anyhow. It's over and done. 6ish weeks of heavy HEAVY bleeding and purging and frustration and loss. But it's over. Then, with less than 1 week of reprieve...bleeding again. Most likely a period, but shit. But that's over now. At least we're trying again. And, boy, are we trying.... Ifyouknowhatimean. Today felt big and ohsogood, so I'm here. Putting this out there. Give 'em back to me... Please? I never wanted twins, but I know now I just really want my babies. I want them. They'll be my Thanksgiving turkeys... My mouths to feed... My full arms... My loves. And Oscar will adore them. So, please. Welcome home. Let this happen... Please?!
I'm pregnant. Then I miscarry. Then I find out it's really epitopic pregnancy. But wait, not really. I'm regular pregnant AND epitopic pregnant... one is a miscarriage and the other is growing, but no way to know which is which. Soooooo...? Goodbye both. Goodbye a week of bleeding. 2 weeks. 3. 5 weeks 6 WEEKS of HEAVY bleeding. That's it... Hooray. Ready??? ..Goodbye. No... Now you're on your period. Soooooooo, Valentines Day... Also day 3 of my period... Post-dual miscarriage. F..M. L.
1 month and 1 day. That is how long I've been bleeding. That is how long I've been dealing with this uncertainty rollercoaster. It is not getting better. It is not waning. I just keep bleeding and feeling frustrated and betrayed and disappointed. I am beyond ready to move on, but I'm not sure I'll ever trust my body again. Well, not for a while at least. I'm just so sick and tired of dreading to bathroom and fearing for my clothing and seats. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I have a fantastic family. Darling son. Charming husband. Loving and supportive friends. Support and love coming out of my ears, really. And a 1 in a million female reproductive issue. So I hate myself. And my body. And my insanely fortunate situation that makes me feel crippled. Like I'm not allowed to complain. Like it's all just some "first world problem" that I should just shut up about. Like I'm somehow making it all up. So I'm drinking the remnants of our liquor cabinet and staying up inadvisably late to... What? Punish myself? Get drunk and forget? I fucking hate this. All of it. Goddammit.
Waiting games are the worst. I'm in that gray area. Threatened Miscarriage is the official term. I have to wait until Monday to go back in to the ER for blood work. If my HGC levels go up, there's something growing in there. If not, well, then it's no longer just "threatened", but at least I'll know. It's nice to have some questions answered, but frustrating that those answers brought up a whole slew of new questions. That's usually how it goes though, right?
The ER is The. Worst. After my late-night WebMD venture I took a pregnancy test. Lo and behold, positive. But, still bleeding. A. Lot. I've now been in the ER for almost 6 hours. All the tests are promising and positive, but I'm not feeling super optimistic. Probably because I'm starving, cold, bored, and frustrated. BUT. We might be pregnant. So I can't help but feel a little hopeful.
Damn it. WebMD got me again. After 30ish minutes of researching my symptoms (in bed, at 11 pm, on a Friday night... that's right; I go hard) I'm fairly convinced I'm in the early stages of a semi-serious medical condition with potential long term effects. At least I'm due for a checkup anyway.
Today’s revelation:
Regarding advice - give and take success, not failure. If you only listen to tales of failure, you’ll feel like nothing will work! But if you listen to success stories, suddenly everything seems possible.
For reference, this comes from a polite FB interaction regarding sleep-training. A friend solicited advice for potentially sleep training her 4 month old. Most of the responses were positive... but there was, of course, the obligatory “such-and-such NEVER works!” (Said about both sleep training AND co-sleeping.) After reading all of the “this doesn’t work” comments, she’s basically left with no options... since “sleep training is awful” and “co-sleeping means no-sleeping and no sex!” (would that I could use a sarcastic font for BOTH of those statements). Thanks for reaching out for advice, friend... but you’re screwed no matter what you do! Ugh.
But, if you ignore the negative and only read the “this totally worked for us” comments, suddenly every idea has potential. She has been given an abundance of solutions!
So, why then, do so many of us leap first to the stories of failure? Especially when discussing relationships, parenting, and business?
Tune to vent
Coping with some serious frustration right now. And trying to turn it into a positive moment of reflection. Am I as thoughtful of and helpful to others as I expect them to be? Are my expectations realistic?fair?justified? Am I projecting my life experience and personal values on other people unfairly? Is it too much to fucking ask for someone to put their dish in the dishwasher instead of the sink? Or make more juice/tea/ice if they drink it all? How about walking the fucking dogs since I'm still elbows deep at 5+ hours of homework for the day with more left to do? Or how about watering the dead fucking lawn so I don't have to at 11:30pm on a school night? Maybe you stop at your 4th straight hour of video games to make sure dinner is ready BEFORE hubs goes to work... Or you do something INSTEAD of switching to Netflix after your 6th hour. Okay. Venting is healthy. I already feel better. Kind of. He's young. He's had VERY poor role modeling for basically how whole life. He has a great attitude and is ultimately a great kid. He's just 18. And unmotivated. And lazy. And goddamn he consumes more sugar than a kid in Halloween. But it's a growth process. :::le sigh::: Still no babies but we have a teenager.
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Acceptance. Such a powerful tool.
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Remember...
What 200 calories look like
Excellent reference.
Anniversary
It's been one month since my locks were all first put in place. I didn't take pictures before I got into bed, but I will tomorrow. I've been working on making extensions for the upcoming wedding season. I figure the road trip will be the perfect opportunity to install them since I'll have lots of free time and won't mind looking a little lopsided during the process. I test drove an installation this evening on my temple... Not really ideal real estate for my solo long-boy, but it'll do. I'm concerned they aren't mature enough for the extensions, but there's really only one way to find out. Also, I figure human hair extensions will mature alongside my current babies so, following that logic, it didn't make much sense to wait until the home team is had a huge head start. Right? I also did my most focused round of hook maintenance tonight. I probably tightened only 4 or 5, but at least 2 of them desperately needed it, and the difference really is astounding. I've also been a little more liberal with my backcombing. Initially I wanted to stick with rip-and-twist exclusively, but my laziness and growing tolerance have made me a little more open minded. Final note... In the last week 3 people noticed my locks for the first time. I dunt know why this is... I was tidier in the beginning, I'm more relaxed now, they had something going on in their life, they're realizing it isn't just a phase or bad hair day... whatever. I just thought it was interesting. Heavy eyelid time.
