I'm not expecting you to. I just want people to be okay with this.
[pauses, before saying] The curly fries are really good. They'll even put cheese sauce and bacon on them. Delicious.
[Chews Lower Lip Looking at Menu Listening Not Quite Sure What to Say Before Looking Back Up] No more discussion about that. Ā What do you want to discuss?Ā
[chuckles a little] You know, avoiding the subject doesn't mean I won't leave, April. I wish I could stay, but it just...it doesn't feel right, you know? I want Nicole to have a family in the people here, but I can't stay here.
[Looks Down at the Menu Before Ordering An Diet Cola from Waitress] A sign you needed, I think you might be able to get the answers you need also. Ā You are going to be missed though. Ā
[shakes head slowly] I don't think I'll ever get answers. I'll always love her...she was it, April. I won't get answers, but I'll be able to start going on with life. And it's close enough that I can visit and keep in touch.
[pulling the bottle out of the portable bottle warmer thing and shaking it, sighs and nods] I think so. It seems like it came at the right time, like it's some kind of sign, you know?Ā
[Walking into The Nearby Diner April Smiles as She Walks to Where Braeden Is Seated] Ā Are you sure you want greasy food as one of your last meals here in Seattle?Ā
Ever since he'd found the letter from Jo to Nicole, things had gotten slightly lighter. It was easier, even though in ways it still wasn't easy at all. Braeden still expected to see her walk in, see a text from her, walk around a corner and spot her. He felt her everywhere around here.
With a lot of time to kill, Braeden had taken to going around the city with Nikki, seeing all the things he hadn't yet, though he'd lived in Seattle for over a year. That tired him out during the days, and at nights it was just him and Nikki.
Laying in bed with his laptop one day, the email is sitting in his inbox. It's from a professor he got along with well in Medical school, one that had worked with Los Angeles' children's hospital. The hospital in LA needed a pediatric surgeon, and he wanted to offer Braeden the job.
He stares forward, thinking this over. It seemed too good, too much perfect timing. Jo was everywhere around here, and while he didn't want to forget her, he needed a way to start moving forward. LA was close enough that he could bring Nicole to visit often, she'd still have a relationship with Amelia, Lexie, Kim. He could still see April and Alex.
He could make this work, and still keep the family he found here. Braeden shuts the laptop, putting it to the side. He'd have to think on this, but it was an option he was seriously considering.
After forcing himself to finally go to Jo's apartment, Braeden finds something unexpected that changes things.
It'd been two weeks, the funeral was approaching...it was delayed because of the shooting, because Lexie deserved to attend and she couldn't yet, and Kim had just had a baby. But he would make sure she was laid to rest. In the time that had passed, he'd delayed going to the apartment, into her room. Because the thought was overwhelming, the idea almost terrified him. But he had to do it, he knew that. He had to. And so armed with a diaper bag full of diapers, formula, and other things, he takes Nicole out to the car, Jo's key chain in his pocket. The hospital had given him everything when he took Nicole home, and he'd gotten permission from Lexie to go into the apartment, to Jo's room. It would be just him and Nicole, which is exactly what he wanted.
He'd only been to the apartment a handful of times, they had usually went to his place. He had more privacy for them to sleep together in. It's still foreign to him, especially now. As Braeden walks into the place, it feels cold, like no one's been here for a while. It's like there's a hole.
Knowing the way to Jo's room, He lifts the car seatĀ with Nicole in it, and heads in, shutting and locking the door behind him. Braeden pauses outside the door to her bedroom, glancing down at Nicole in her carseat. She's two weeks old, and she's awake. But she's not crying, as though she knows where they are, what he's doing. Taking a deep breath, he pushes the door open and walks inside. It's a simple room, Jo wasn't really one to decorate. There's a full sized bed in the middle of it, a nightstand on either side. A dresser, and a desk complete it. There's some clothes on the floor, books that she surely used to study for her intern exam on the desk, obviously never moved after the test was over.
Carefully, Braeden sets the car seat on the floor, before unbuckling Nicole and lifting her into his arms. She's still so tiny, so innocent. He sits on the edge of the bed for a moment, just looking around. He remembers back to the first night he'd been here, the only night they'd had sex here. Lexie and Kim were working, and she had brought him over.
"Don't," Jo murmurs to him, as he starts to get up, saying how he should go. "Just stay here tonight."
He smiles softly at the memory, though the tears sting at his eyes. "This is where mommy lived," He whispers softly to Nicole. He sees in the corner of the room a few bags. One's from Target, another from some store that's surely in the mall a few blocks away, and another stamped with the Babies 'R' Us logo. Curiosity kicking in, Braeden gets up and heads over there, grabbing the bags. He sets Nicole down on the bed, between two pillows, and then dumps the contents out of the bags. Baby clothes. A few pacifiers, some blankets. And last, a soft, stuffed cat.
Jo had bought stuff for the baby. The baby everyone was convinced she hadn't wanted. She'd gone out and bought clothes, a toy for her.
Smiling, he places the cat near the pillow, knowing he'll place it on the shelf above her crib in her room, until she was old enough to have it with her. He puts the clothes back in one of the bags, so he can bring them back with him, wash them, and have her wear them. Turning slowly around the room, he sits on the edge, pulling open the drawer of one of the bedside tables. He pulls out a pile of stuff, some random papers, some paperwork from when she started her internship, and then some photographs. There's only a few, of what must be little Jo. Braeden smiles, shuffling through them before landing on one of a baby. He pauses, because it looks so much like Nicole. Turning it over, in a writing that he knows isn't Jo's, it says "Josie Wilson, 6 months." Josie. He lets out a small laugh, knowing that Jo must've put a stop to that as soon as she could talk.
Organizing the photos on top of the nightstand, wanting to save those, he finds nothing but assorted papers, some old college stuff. Closing that, he heads to the dresser. On top of it are a few frames with some other photos, and a big frame with her Medical Degree, propped up against the wall as though she meant to hang it up, eventually.
There's a necklace laying on the top of it, a gem of her birthstone that he remembers her often wearing. He remembers suddenly what Lexie said, about the shelf in Jo's closet, and he heads over, pulling the door open. The rack is filled with mostly empty hangers, he's guessing most of her clothes are on the floor or in the pile of dirty clothes. He reaches up to the shelf, and pulls down a small, blue box. It's the only thing up there, he's assuming this must be what Lexie means. Bringing it back to the bed, he sits on the edge, checking on Nicole, before pulling the lid off.
On top of the pile is a piece of paper, folded in thirds, and he takes it out and puts it to the side for a moment, finding sonograms underneath it. Braeden smiles as he he flips through them, watching as Nicole gets progressively bigger. Under that he finds other things, like her acceptance letters to college and med school, scholarship reward letters, her birth certificate, a passport. There's some old papers that she wrote, some more old photos, all stuff that he'll keep, for Nicole. He picks up the folded paper he put to the side, and unfolds the top, his eyes scanning the written words.
My dearest daughter,
His eyes widen, because he knows this was a letter Jo wrote. It's in her handwriting, dated a few days before she died. He swallows the lump in his throat, and then opens it up, continuing to read.
My dearest daughter,
Iām going to find this letter in a few years and laugh at myself. Maybe Iāll even show it to your dad and weāll laugh over how paranoid I was. Iām hoping when youāre born thatāll change. Because youāre a good thing, I know that. So maybe when you arrive, Iāll start seeing more good things, because I may not act like it all the time, but I finally have some good people in my life. Which is why this letter is unnecessary. Nothing bad is going to happen. Nothing.
But, no matter how many times I tell myself that, Iām still writing this letter. Because Iām not exactly what youād call an optimist- youāll figure that out soon enough ā and bad things have a way of seeking me out.
But this letter isnāt about me. Itās about you.
If something happens to me...whatever people tell you, know that I loved you. More than anything. So does your father, so go easy on him, okay? I did some stupid things as a teenager, and if you do the same...youāre grounded.
God, I sound old.
I wish I could give you all the things I never had. And most of them, I can. You have a house and two parents who love you, but there are some things I canāt buy. Like family. I want you to have grandparents, and aunts, and uncles- and in a way, you do. Assuming I havenāt scared them off, you have Amy, and Lexie, and Kim. Dr. Grey may not act like it, but I know sheās looking forward to seeing you too. And your father is getting pretty close to Kepner and Alex Karev. So I guess you have them too. Although I donāt know them very well, so make sure you get your priorities straight from your Aunt Amy first. Just...any stories she tells you about things we did together? Lies. All of them. I would never do anything like that. Donāt spend all your time with her either, because itāll piss off your dad, and I want you to be bright and shiny. I want you to grow up happy, and normal, because thatās not a bad thing. Thatās where Lexie and Kim come in. Theyāll stop you from getting dark and twisty, even if thatās all you want. Ā And when Kimās son is born, you guys can be friends. Thatāll be nice.
Actually, no. No boys until youāre thirty. At least. Or girls, if thatās what you want. And even then you have to get them pre-approved by your father, and Kim and Lexie. Amy doesnāt get a vote. Sheās had too many inappropriate men to earn one.Ā
Whatever they tell you, I donāt want you to remember me as some sort of saint. People do that when their loved ones die, and I wasnāt perfect by any stretch of the word. Ā I did bad things and made mistakes and hurt people who only wanted the best for me, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing, and I tried to fix my mistakes. Whatever you grow up to be, as long as you try to do both those things, youāll be okay.
This is the sappy part of the letter where I tell you that Iāll always love you, and Iād skip it, because Iām bad at things like this, except I want you to know it, because Iām not so sure Iāll always be able to tell you. So, I do. I love you. More than chocolate cake and vodka and surgery. Thatās a lot. Remember that.
I hope you never have to read this.Ā
Love always, your mother.
By the time he reaches the bottom of the page, he's crying hard. It's painful, so painful, to know that she had a feeling. He knows that a lot of people do, a feeling that they can't place, that something will happen. She had that feeling, and she left this for her daughter, a way for her to get to know the mother that was taken away from her.
In some way, some painful way that doesn't make sense, this almost helps. It's something. It's a sign that she's up there, looking down. It's a sign that somehow, he has to try and move on with his life for Nicole. Jo gave her life for hers, and he promised her he'd take care of her.
Wiping the tears away, he folds the letter back up and places it inside the box, and then reaches over to pick up Nicole. He cradles her against his chest, looking down into her big brown eyes, Jo's eyes. "It's just you and me, Nik. But mommy's out there somewhere, and she loved you...she loved both of us, so much. And so we're going to make her proud, ok? No matter how hard it is, or how much it hurts, we're going to do it." He leans back on the bed, letting Nicole rest against his chest.
That was the sign that he had needed. No more getting drunk when Nikki was asleep, no more wallowing. He'd love Jo forever. He knew that, there was no getting over her or losing her. But he had to go on for their daughter. It wouldn't be easy, he knew that, but he'd do what he had to, just like always. He'd figure it out.
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