Thoughts

[brainsjuices]

Jealousy is ugly. It sticks and burns and takes over people and their relationships. Are humans jealous because of our need for control. This lack of control translates into jealousy. Lack of control of our partners, our friends, and their actions. Control gives us comfort. Without it, chaos. Jealousy reveals her different heads depending on ones past experience. 

Jealousy for me is as intertwined as anything with my need for control. My need to know. My easy willingness to trust people, to give them my trust, paired with their willingness to tear all my trust down with lies, sex, cheating, 

I came from a place where I did not trust and was jealous for no reason. I didn’t know better. I couldn’t cope. I was young and dumb. In the end, I was “right” and betrayed, but perhaps, I pushed her to that point. This never once made my jealousy ok, or more so the way in which I allowed my jealousy to control my actions towards others and maybe even myself in terms of abuse of substances.  Moving forward, there have been many relationships, fucks, friendships, I worked hard to “not care” about as a way to show that I was not jealous. When the feeling of caring paired with jealousy rose again in my body, I would take the control back by involving myself in yet another sexual encounter. One upping my partner(s) in my own head. Never revealing the truth because ultimately, I did not want to hurt them. Twisted. 

This has been a long process and a forever work in progress. I was in a good place with a previous relationship, great place.  All the trust in the world despite many “threats.” In the end, that person cheated and I did not allow that to throw me off. Perhaps my non-jealousy and never being “on top” of her is what made her confident that she would get away with cheating. 

I didn’t want it to but it did throw me off a little. The voice in my head has had to work harder at holding in jealous thoughts.  Perhaps they are replaced with outward arrogance as a way to take back control. There’s nothing for me to take back. She hasn’t done anything but the thought of her doing something is enough for me to be sad. Why is that?

[brainsjuices]

I feel these feelings

when my face is melting

mouth is moaning

and Im looking at your ceiling 

trying to hone in on this feeling 

are you feeling what I’m feeling?

[brainsjuices]

she calls me the girl of her dreams

but I can’t believe a thing anyone says 

so either her dreams are false 

or she's not telling me the truth 

because neither did the last 

the idea of she has passed in time and space

I agree

this is a dream and you’re a girl. 

[brainsjuices]

Effortless, playful, free, zero expectation, 

yet seemingly, personal

&

deep.  

[brainsjuices]

my journal is starting to read like a pathetic series of love affairs in which I repeatedly break hearts and then get mine broken in between as karma. 

[brainsjuices]

“You are like a dream,” she said, as I fell deeper into a dream of consciousness with her.  I never want to leave this time in my existence with you. But, I know time will do what it does best, and so will we.

[brainsjuices]

I feel it’s important to talk about this first kiss. I can see myself showing you this one day.

One of the best in a while.  I love women. I love how passionate it was. I love how in sync we were. I love how we each smiled at the same time while kissing.  I’ll never forget the notion EP playing in the background, the feeling of your legs around my back....

It wasn’t just sexy. I mean it was. But, it was emotional. It felt important. It felt like we were connecting, communicating, learning, all at once. 

[brainsjuices]

my father's lying down In a hole in the earth there And I'm scared I'll forget him I'm still haunted by those open wounds I won't express them truly to youYou have buried childish qualities Friend make sense of me, friend make sense of me

[brainsjuices]

Until this point, no girl left me crying because of a break up.  I am always stoic and cold.  Typically after the big shitty break up a few years ago, I have been emotionless. No one can hurt me like I was hurt by her.  Then, doing the hurting to others ultimately hurt me even more.  But this girl was good, no, she was perfect.  I didn’t feel an ounce of doubt in my soul when I was with her.  I felt right. Normally, I like someone less than they like me but, we..we were on the same page.  Both amazed by our connection in every sense of the way.  I am sad not because I have lost you, I understand why you are gone.  I am more saddened by the idea that I don’t think the type of connection we had comes around often.  I am sad knowing that I have to go through so many girls to find one that checks off all the qualities in a person I could have ever dreamed of again. I am sad you are leaving me to replace someone who cannot be replaced. I am a realistic person who does not make plans.  But in my head, I had plans.  We had plan s together.  Thats what hurts me most, I saw us at those plans. I never felt I couldn’t trust you. It felt like we were literally meant for each other.  I couldn’t say that about anyone I have ever been with. I am just sad. I do not feel lost, I will not die without you. I am just, sad. You were my compliment and I was yours. I will miss you so, so deeply. I don’t think a single girl has made me feel such hurt. With all previous relationships, I saw an end right from the start, I didnt see an end with you. I saw an us in the future a lot. I saw you in everything. 

[brainsjuices]

I found out I have 30 known half siblings thanks to DNA testing. Seeing that number followed by all these names of people, real people, with DNA that matched mine.  What a crazy feeling.  The 2 siblings I grew up with have less DNA relation to me than the DNA 30 strangers but, they will forever be my sisters.  I have not forgotten that a sibling is not a DNA similarity, it’s a forever growing relationship from day one onwards.  But, to know off 30 strangers with the same sperm donor father as I, that in itself, is an incredible thing. Those 30 are only the ones who have also used this ancestry DNA testing kit, so, there are most likely many, many more out there. There are 30 strangers who all have similar features to me, who give me insight into what our paternal DNA may have looked like, the traits he passed down to us.  It is remarkable to think about all of the talented intelligent humans he helped give life to. Looking into the eyes of my siblings, all of whom are within a small age range, with the youngest being 16 year old boy and the oldest a woman in her mid 20′s, I thank this man in part, for the amazing life I have. 

[brainsjuices]

Is this what freedom feels like? A freedom that does not include multiple people but rather just you and I.  Free to be me, with you. This is what freedom must feel like.  This kind of freedom feels like I should be screaming about it at the top of a mountain.  At the same time, it feels like Im falling off that that mountain cliff, but you’re holding my hand, and the fall doesn’t seem to have a foreseeable ending.  Im falling and it feels good to fall, with you. 

[brainsjuices]

Human connection is so random but, its strength should never be ignored.  There are four dimensions of human connection. It is said that these connections occur through one’s body, mind, heart and spirit.  Each and every single relationship we make as humans contains one or all of the four dimensions.  We respond to others by questioning our own body, mind, heart, and spirit.  Connections. Connecting emotions through experience but what if these connections exist without experiences with another? We share energies with some people that cannot be explained but, they should always be explored.  Although all connections have meaning, contribute to our growth as humans, and sometimes even teach us about ourselves, our wants, and our dislikes, there are some connections that prove to be more. A connection is like a thunder storm with lightning.  Sometimes, the lightning is one strike from the sky to the ground, a simple connection.  Other times, lightening strikes, and the entire sky lights up as multiple lighted connections are made in the sky. Pulsating through the clouds. A human connection. 

[brainsjuices]

CERTIFIED

What an incredible fucking feeling.  I genuinely love my field and have always felt very much born to do what I do as I work with the individuals whom I instruct but, passing a national certification on the first try with just reviewing 2 days before, really solidifies my feelings of how naturally this comes to me. Watching the word “pass” come up on the screen immediately after pressing submit on an 180 question test, 350 hours of student teaching, and 4+ years of very hard work kind of just flashed before me.  

[brainsjuices]

milkduds: my fathers favorite candy.

He was often pictured at many family dinners, outings, and such with him putting the milk duds on a specific tooth so it looked like he was missing a tooth.  He thought this was funny.

Him: Hey bre, do you want a milk dud?

Me: No dad, I have braces, remember? Why don’t you ever remember. I can’t eat milk duds because I have braces.

Him: well what do braces have to do with milk duds?

Me: Dad, milk dud will rip my braces completely out.

Mom watches me at a milk dud, “Dont eat that, your braces will pull out”

Now, mom bought me a huge bag of milk duds out of no where and I sit here eating them all.  What’s strange is I was only given them by my father, my mom hates them.

Thanks dad.

[brainsjuices]

i don’t wanna be your girl no more

this thought has gone through my head with every woman that has come and gone from my life.  I cut her off. I let her go.  I decide she is not for me. I watch as she quickly suffers, goes down a spiral.  I watch and I don’t feel anything.  I watch as I think, well, that’s life.  I watch, and I see myself in all the girls I have hurt. Unintentionally hurt. I continue to watch as their hurt from me ends. Just as I knew it would.  The hurt always ends, despite how much love you thought you had. The next is almost always better than the last. If that holds true to all relationships, I will continue pressing next on my life.  A life I don’t want to continue with anyone but myself. Staying conscious of next is hard when you begin to feel comfortable with the present. 

[brainsjuices]

10/6

Every time Im happy with where I am with someone, I realize, I want more.  This person is not enough.  I am not fulfilled. I am partially filled but not fully. I hate myself to say it. but. no one is worth it....

[brainsjuices]

(9/18/17)

It’s scary, very scary, to have this feeling of both freedom and doom, knowing that I will probably be hired where Im interning by the end of the school year.

(Check back here in November and then again in May)