Jealousy is ugly. It sticks and burns and takes over people and their relationships. Are humans jealous because of our need for control. This lack of control translates into jealousy. Lack of control of our partners, our friends, and their actions. Control gives us comfort. Without it, chaos. Jealousy reveals her different heads depending on ones past experience.
Jealousy for me is as intertwined as anything with my need for control. My need to know. My easy willingness to trust people, to give them my trust, paired with their willingness to tear all my trust down with lies, sex, cheating,
I came from a place where I did not trust and was jealous for no reason. I didn’t know better. I couldn’t cope. I was young and dumb. In the end, I was “right” and betrayed, but perhaps, I pushed her to that point. This never once made my jealousy ok, or more so the way in which I allowed my jealousy to control my actions towards others and maybe even myself in terms of abuse of substances. Moving forward, there have been many relationships, fucks, friendships, I worked hard to “not care” about as a way to show that I was not jealous. When the feeling of caring paired with jealousy rose again in my body, I would take the control back by involving myself in yet another sexual encounter. One upping my partner(s) in my own head. Never revealing the truth because ultimately, I did not want to hurt them. Twisted.
This has been a long process and a forever work in progress. I was in a good place with a previous relationship, great place. All the trust in the world despite many “threats.” In the end, that person cheated and I did not allow that to throw me off. Perhaps my non-jealousy and never being “on top” of her is what made her confident that she would get away with cheating.
I didn’t want it to but it did throw me off a little. The voice in my head has had to work harder at holding in jealous thoughts. Perhaps they are replaced with outward arrogance as a way to take back control. There’s nothing for me to take back. She hasn’t done anything but the thought of her doing something is enough for me to be sad. Why is that?











