. @brainth0ughts - Tumblr Blog

Rt if you need to talk to someone but can’t.

always

248. That’s where i start my weight loss journey. This year has been difficult yet extremely fulfilling. It began by getting over a breakup that contributed to my weight gain, and ended by falling deeply and madly in love with the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. Throughout this year I have managed to graduate from college with a masters degree, purchase my first home and find my soulmate. Unbelievable is an understatement. My body has taken a back seat through this beautiful journey and I must start to focus on my health before it spirals out of control. I am both fearful, yet excited to see what 2020 has in store for me.

oldfarmhousefallfeatures

A letter to you. xo

Are you happy? This feeling is leaving my empty and alone. It’s nearly 1 am, I can’t sleep and I’m riddled with the feeling like I can vomit at any moment. My mind is racing and I can’t seem to reel my thoughts back in as they’re quickly escaping me. As hard as I try to make you happy, and consistently check up on you, I feel as though I am the first to get pushed away. Are you happy? As I fight back tears from my own rough days, I try to remain positive, and make you see the best of the situation. Are you happy? I can’t help but feel like my attempts consistently fail and that my efforts are useless. Are you happy? You seem to get short with me quite often or upset with little things I do. Are you happy? Is your heart happy? Do you feel whole with me by your side?

I’m feeling alone and unsure how to handle what I’m presented. I lay.. crying and nauseous wondering how I can possibly get you to love me. How I can get you to want to talk to me. How I can get you to find me beautiful and articulate it. I try to be your rock. The person you can lean on when things get tough. Who’s my rock? How do I lean when things get heavy for me too?

Your bracelet. Where is it? Your thoughts? Where are they? Do you think I’m beautiful? Do you love me? Do you see your future in me? Each night I wonder these things.

I wonder if you love me as much as I love you.

I wonder if you’d climb mountains the way I climb for you.

I wonder if I’m enough.

I wonder if you worry the way I do.

Most importantly I wonder if you see forever the way i do.

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away, its not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. Am i desperate or persistent? They say what is truly yours will always be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

I had a training and chose to go to queens so I could be close to you.

You weren’t working.

I asked if you could pick me up and drive me to my car.

You started yelling at me through text and ignored my text messages so I walked to my car alone.

I planned to take you to the park before you had to go to work and take your dog home for you.

I needed you and you weren’t there.

I’m concerned, but you don’t see it that way. You think I’m self centered and don’t listen, yet I am centered around you and I listen to everything. I lay here crying next to you while you refuse to even acknowledge my existence. I strive to do everything for you.

Your words cut like a knife yet I can’t explain to you how hurtful they truly are because you consistently say that I am always the victim. You sound harsh and unwilling.

You didn’t say I love you. You sleep soundly while I lay here wondering if I’m enough. Wondering if this is all a filthy game. I can’t bare to go through this. I feel alone. I feel as though as much as I care about you, it comes off entirely wrong. I can’t articulate my thoughts with you and you are quick to pin me in a corner.

I feel helpless.

I feel as though you want to break up with me but can’t because we’re in my house.

I feel as though you want to break up with me but don’t want to break my heart.

I feel like you want me to do it.

I’m unsure what to do or say anymore.

I’m unsure how to act or how to behave.

I’m unsure if you want anything to do with me. I cry and you don’t care. I cry out for attention and you say to find someone else. I thought I was doing the right thing by caring about your well being.

I was wrong. I was entirely wrong.

What I do is selfish.

I don’t deserve you.

I deserve to be in this empty home alone.

My thoughts consume me.

The demons I face are brutal.

I can’t tell you- you don’t understand.

I can’t explain properly-so I sound insane.

I hate me.

I hate my explosive personality.

No wonder why you can’t love me.

No wonder why you can’t even talk to me.