The Diary of a Depressed Girl

These are just my thoughts and feelings slathered all together in a journal that’s not so privately posted on the inter web.

[brandi-on-the-rox]

“why do you drink?” they went around in a circle answering this question. “why do i? so i don’t have to feel so alone.”

[brandi-on-the-rox]

i have a bad habit of pushing people away.

[brandi-on-the-rox]

i hate my boyfriends family. and i mean hate. i never not got along with or wanted nothing to do with people as i do with his family.. is this normal? it’s fine when i can pretend they don’t exist.. but when they want to weasel their way into my space.. yuck. get lost space wasters.

[brandi-on-the-rox]

what’s wrong with having high standards?

[brandi-on-the-rox]

maybe i am too selfish or maybe it’s that i believe i’m worth way more than all the bullshit the rest of these folks put up with.

[brandi-on-the-rox]

i crave a freedom that not a single person can give me.

[brandi-on-the-rox]

maybe just maybe, she does want to be saved. maybe, that tough exterior is only a shell holding together her finely broken pieces. maybe that smile that’s forever plastered on her face was drawn on with marker to hide the tears and heartache in her empty eyes. maybe just maybe, it’s a miracle that she’s still even alive.

[brandi-on-the-rox]

alone. i hate feeling alone. but maybe i deserve this. what if this is how you feel everyday?

[brandi-on-the-rox]

i want to kill myself. by that i mean i don’t have the guts to just up and end my life. i want to end the suffering i’m currently consumed by. i want to kill the person i am and have been and grow into a beautiful new happening. i want to abandon all the people and places that are familiar. i want to breathe new air and feel new feelings. i want to meet new people and embark on new journeys. sounds doable right? not in this lifetime. do this, not that. you have to have this or that and these or those. you need that to do this, but if you do this without those you’ll fail. which brings me back to the suffering.. is it me who is sick or is it society?

[brandi-on-the-rox]

change your mindset, change your mindset. it’s hard to change your mindset when i’m surrounded by toxicity.

[brandi-on-the-rox]

i wanna wake up one day where the sun is shining, the grass is green, and i no longer have depression.

[brandi-on-the-rox]

my whole life has been a constant feeling of “what’s wrong with me?” and “there’s nothing wrong with me.” so why do i still feel like there’s something wrong with me?

[brandi-on-the-rox]

she doesn’t want to be saved. don’t save her.

[brandi-on-the-rox]

i wonder.. am i toxic?

[thornsinthesoull]

[perfectfeelings]

[brandi-on-the-rox]

i’m always running away. it’s nothing personal… maybe it is, because i’m running from myself.