evans:
he asked her a question, she noted. but—— what had it been? something about… something about being head girl. that was what the conversation had been directed to, so now she just had to remember the exact question that he inquired about. she had already been doing wonders for this conversation, so answering the wrong question would probably bring it to a grinding halt. was it—— oh yes! what her favorite part of being head girl was. on an ordinary day, lily would have been able to answer said question easily & probably with many different reasons that she liked being head girl. yet in the moment, in the middle of an eerily quiet corridor, she was coming up blank. merlin’s beard, why was her brain so sluggish? —— that was a ridiculous question. she knew why.
❝ my favorite? i’m not too sure what gets the number one spot. i think there are several reasons, so it’s hard to pick one. —— but maybe, in a way, that’s sort of the reason itself. there were plenty of girls in our year that could’ve been chosen, so to be chosen… it’s rather nice, i suppose. ❞ she managed to get through something well enough, and lily hoped that it wouldn’t be the only time. there were only a few corridors left to check before they could head back to gryffindor tower, yet the hogwarts corridors would never be described as small. still, at least there was an end in sight. lily was certain it would be right to bed with her & hopefully a good night’s rest would help clear her somewhat cloudy mind. he inquired again, but this time directly asking her about why she seemed so preoccupied. lily gave him her attention as he spoke, but looking directly at him ended up being another surprising downfall. about mid-way through what he was saying, the eye contact she was trying to make sure she was giving him wavered, and instead she started focusing on another area of his face——— the feature of his face that had been doing most of the talking this evening, his mouth. the same feature that had been quite attached to gladys as of late… and there came that odd feeling that she hated feeling again.
❝ it’s nothing —— really. don’t worry about it. i’m sorry that i haven’t been reaching my usual level of conversation tonight. i haven’t grown tired of hearing your voice though, so nothing to fret about with that——— ❞ ….did she really just say she hadn’t grown tired of hearing his voice? lily was just digging herself a deep hole, and she couldn’t figure out why. had she said that about any of her other friends, she wouldn’t have thought anything of it. she had said something similar to marlene just that morning when her dorm mate had been talking her ear off on the way down to breakfast. —— perhaps she should just stop asking herself why all of this was different & figure out what she needed to do to sort it out. she had an idea on what would sort it out, but it wasn’t a very good one. her mother had given her a stream of advice once. it was when lily had first started showing interest in dating, and her mother decided to give her a list of things she wished she had heard before she had dived into dating. she knew exactly which piece of advice her mother would pull from that very pocket if she were here right now. lily could even hear her mother whispering said advice into her ear—— ‘a kiss can make it or break it. even the ones you think that will go well end up being a dud, and the frog doesn’t turn into a prince.’ by kissing him, things would become clearer. whether it was meant to happen or not was on the other side of that kiss. maybe it would be terrible, and it would help her get over things & let him see that it was good to have given up on asking her out. or, maybe it would be—— maybe it would just cause a whole other load of problems. that thought almost enough to keep her from doing it.
❝ ———okay, something is preoccupying me, and i’m not even really sure where to go about explaining it exactly, because i’m not really understanding it fully myself. so i just need to… i need to do something to understand it and—— bugger. ❞ oh hell—— she hoped she wouldn’t regret this.
james didn’t think being chosen as head boy was all so nice until lily had explained what might have gone though dumbledore and mcgonagall’s minds when they chose him. it was her words that made him more confident in being head boy, that he was a leader and perfectly chosen. of course, there were no other girls in their year he would rather have as a head girl. lily evans was always going to be head girl in his eyes, and it wasn’t because he thought she was this stickler for the rules, but instead he thought this because of her intelligence. she was incredibly bright but also kind and compassionate; the type of qualities someone would want in a head girl. he wanted to tell her this, but the moment didn’t feel right, that she wasn’t in the moment to hear these words from him. “if you say so,” he said instead, shrugging as if he hadn’t been thinking of how none of the other girls could compare.
her answer to his question about what was preoccupying her didn’t satisfy him, even if the comment about his voice made a small smirk appear on his lips. they were friends and she should be able to feel completely honest with him. james turned to look at her, eyebrows raising as if to silently tell her he didn’t believe her. “well, in that case, then maybe i should rant to you about how annoying sirius has been acting lately. i mean remus doesn’t want to hear it and you haven’t grown tired of hearing me talk, so...” james broke out into a wide grin, laughing a bit at his own joke, which the whole thing sounded ridiculous as he kept talking. “or you can tell me exactly what is wrong, you know, whichever is better.”
when lily spoke again, james couldn’t understand any of it. she spoke in fragments, as if all of her thoughts were jumbling up, losing a few words and splicing together. he was about to say something, let her know that it was okay and she can talk to him. they were friends and friends can talk about whatever, there was nothing to worry about. yet, his words were lost as soon as her lips met his. this is really happening, lily evan’s is really kissing him and he stood there. he didn’t move, too shocked but still realizing that she was in fact kissing him. after so many years wishing for this, is he really going to blow it because he’s surprised? james potter doesn’t miss out on the opportunity to kiss anyone, let alone the one girl he’s actually crushed on since fourth year. he finally began to kiss back.
one word popped into his head shortly after he found himself leaning more into the kiss lily laid on him. he thought of gladys as his lips met lips he only dreamed of kissing for years. his hands shook as they placed themselves in two places on lily’s body, one on as the other reached up for her face, resting on her neck. he should stop. he really shouldn’t be kissing her. he could only press deeper into the kiss, the hand on her waist pulled her into him. that name popped into his head again, this time a little louder than wanting to give into the feel of her against him. james pushed away, first looking at lily with a soft smile before realization began to hit him, slowly causing that smile to fall.
“i should not have done that.” the words came out barely a whisper, uncharacteristically small compared to how loud his voice normally came. his mouth was dry and a lump formed in his throat, he could barely contain the buzzing thoughts in his head. “gladys. i’m so sorry, lily, but i--she’s my girlfriend.”
as soon as the words left his mouth, they felt like a lie. those few seconds of kissing changed james’ own perspective on the relationship he’s had for the past few weeks. with gladys, it was sloppy kisses and chapped lips and not too much to talk about in between. not that they would ever have those moments, her lips always wanted to be connected with his and he went with it. but when lily kissed him, james didn’t want to push away. it was his turn to have lips that never wanted to separate, not even to let a word in, and he wouldn’t feel bad about the chapped lips later on. james wanted to kiss lily evans, not gladys gudgeon. guilt settled in his stomach, a sensation that felt just as foreign as calling gladys his girlfriend. it was wrong, but kissing her felt so right.
“you kissed me.”
