Break up

[breakupblog]

He just texted me.

My body went cold and time froze.

It's weird I still have these panic-like reactions when he does each out.

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Tell me why I'm having sudden urges to hit up all my ex's.

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I'm also dreaming about him again. Which just makes everything confusing...

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I'm having a really hard time again.

Just passed the year mark last month and feelings and memories are surfacing again.

My heart just feels broken. I miss something. It's been long enough, and I've had enough interactions with him since that I know.. I know what it is and what it isn't. I know we wouldn't be good together.

I miss... Having someone. I miss having a home in someone. But I guess that's what we're not supposed to do. I miss having a person. I miss having someone I could just collapse into at the end of a hard day. I miss the moments I felt like I wasn't in this alone.

I feel so alone now.

Not the crippling panic kind. Just this.. quiet, empty alone. With this lingering sadness and this whispering in the background that wonders if anything good and real is even possible for me. Just truly. I feel like I don't know.

There's a hollow feeling in my chest. The grief of it all still hits me.

I just want it to be over.

There's a tiny desperate part that still wants to reject the past year and run back to him. And the conflict between that tiny desperate part and the rest of me that understand the reality of the situation, is brutal.

[breakupblog]

I can't afford to miss you anymore

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I saw him last night.. I almost kissed him.

The sad kind. I hugged him goodbye and we were both sobbing.

He said he loved me.

I put my hand on his cheek. And squeezed his arm and left.

I couldn't say anything.

[breakupblog]

I dreamt about him last night.. it was just sad. He said he loved me. And I think he thought maybe I was coming back.

It just made me sad. Because I knew I wasn't. But he seemed so hopeful..

It made me sad to realize it's really over. That I couldn't avoid the reality that we weren't gonna ever get back together. That we wouldn't be good together. That I couldn't do it.

I've been thinking about him a lot again. And some tiny part of my brain still wants to think or wonder if maybe we are meant to be somehow. That maybe it'll just take time. And maybe we'll both find other people in between. But in a year, or 3 or 4, something will change, we'll be thrown together again and something will just click this time. And it will be our time. This time it will last always.

I'm pretty sure it's delusion..

I've watched too many tv shows and romance movies. And they lie.

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I keep having flashbacks

Of snapshots of our lives

Our moments together

It feels like he died..

I don't know how to reconcile everything that's happened. I don't know how to move on.

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Two people

Who hate themselves

But love each other

Will only break each other's hearts

Over and over again

[breakupblog]

It's breaking my heart..

That two people loving each other, on its own, in itself, isn't enough

Isn't necessarily enough to make things work out

[breakupblog]

This month has been full of memories.

Memories of us. What we used to be. Just, the path we took in our relationship.

I remember the first time he said I love you. The first time I knew for sure that's what he said.

He mouthed the words actually.

He had come to visit me at work with the kids. They had finished eating and were about to leave. I have them all hugs and was heading back to the kitchen.

I looked back at him. And he mouthed "I love you"

I rushed back and hugged him. I couldn't say it though. That was a whole thing. I had such a hard time. It wasn't that I didn't feel it. I just.. I'm not sure what it was. I think I never expected it to go there. It was scary.

I cried in the kitchen. I went from excited and happy to just about sobbing.

Because he loved me. Because he said he loved me.

What happened to us?

[breakupblog]

I drove by his house on Christmas.

Not stopping, just driving by, was easy.

Not turning around, was hard...

I had to repeat in my head that it wasn't a good idea. Over and over again.

I just wanted to go back. Show up at his door. Hug him tighter then anything. Hold him again...

I cried the drive home. Almost had to pull over. I probably should have.

[breakupblog]

I spent an hour with him last week.. him and the kiddo. so strange how it can slip right back into easy conversation. Was her birthday. Want trying to be there long. He pushed for a situation that lead me to stay. I should have left.

But it was good to have time with her.

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I'm so burnt. I don't even want anyone anymore. Just want to be left alone. Until I can pick up enough pieces to feel like a whole person, or something close to that, again..

And then after that I will just want to be left alone, so I can have some peace, not just be broken again. I'm so tired.

[breakupblog]

It doesn't get any easier..

Seeing him. Doesn't get any easier.

It gets different sometimes. And just when I think it might be getting easier, the next time I see him I cry.

I took the little one back to his house last night. Had to help her carry things inside.

He cut his hair. And trimmed his beard. He looked nice..

We exchanged happy holidays. And how has you day been. And it almost... Feels like we could go back to like nothing happened.

I wanted to hug him.

I cried the drive home..

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I'm tempted.. since I can't hit up one of my exes. To hit up the other. Both are bad ideas..

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I miss him... But it would do no good to tell him...