here lately, a lot of my acqs and friends have asked if I had been on a date or not, or if I was keeping my eyes open for a guy. most of the time i laugh at them, not in a taunting, condescending way, but in a manner that conveys "Hah, that's like... the last thing I would want to do. Ever."
Heck, even my grandma -- [sidebar], [i love my conservatively progressive grandma who i talk to 3x a day, who told me to score pot to help my recent and ongoing stint with lower back pain (sciatica?)] -- has gotten in on the conversation as well. she'd love for me to have a boyfriend and have someone I could come home to. in so many words that's what she says.
"Everybody need somebody, baby. Ya need someone in ya life."
So while I appreciate everyone's cheery well-wishes, I read some comments today somewhere about "gay relationships". probably a friend of a friend of a friend's Facebook, I think. that's where I'll start:
"Full disclosure to those who have an issue with partnered men or open relationships: I have been in a loving, committed, and honest LTR for 18 years. If you feel you need to pass judgment on men in my situation (partnered/open), then please move along. Try being in an honest relationship first and then get back to me. You might be surprised. We are all men, and in my opinion 99.9% of men will not or cannot be monogamous. That is OK. Let's just be honest, here."
And ya know, that's totally fine. I'm glad you found a scenario that enriches your life. And a lot of times I DO feel like the majority of gay men I've met and come across and read about fit into these relationship models. and boo, that's fine. do YOU. be happy. I AM NOT HERE TO POLICE YOU. I'M NOT HERE FOR THAT.
But what it comes down to for me is... trust issues I'm well-aware of about myself, and lots of self-actualization about myself. those conversations you have in learning more about who you are, I've had plenty of those and know what I bring to the table as far as a relationship --
to be blunt, it's an exercise (the best kind) every day to love yourself (first and foremost), and it's definitely a fucking marathon to love someone else.
and for me, I really don't see the point of going into a relationship anymore. i don't have romantic feelings anymore, i don't daydream about it, I don't envision anyone being there beside me except me.
part of it has to do with my past relationships. part of it is I have family members that wouldn't accept me to the point of bringing violence into my life at the drop of a dime:
- a parent who threatened my life as a child, and still harps about "those people" constantly with such vitriol and disgust.
- a ""parent"" who would threaten suicide and reach for his gun to win an argument over parking in the driveway.
i've got that at my door all the time.
and to round this out, it must just be I'm that 0.01% the guy was talking about. i must have seen too many Disney movies as a child, but I just couldn't get with this "program". I even tried an open relationship, and it just didn't work. my health in all manner of speaking was in jeopardy because even though honesty was key and present, lies and deceit were STILL abound in the relationship.
so that being said, I just don't see it being worthwhile anymore. Monogamy apparently doesn't work (which I begrudgingly somewhat agree with, esp. between men), and being open is too exhausting for me.
and I don't want to be killed over being with a guy either.
and then outside of all this bullshit, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A DATE? if i weeded through all this "trau-drama", dating itself is a lot to fucking deal with.
so I don't need to be in the rat race anymore. I bowed out three years ago and I haven't looked back.
just for those who were curious into the who? what? where? when? how? why?
turnnoffyourmind
kianamaiart
tangentwithtanner
yousharknotpass
dailybridgerton
discoholicmusic
gummygunk
snowghoul
