[remanence-of-love]

[breathless-writings]

what’s good i’m 24 now and still write sometimes so this sh!t needs to go somewhere it’s too beautiful. written from the air as my plane flew over kansas.

—

hey - I think about you all the time. I constantly feel the guilt of letting you go. with each passing day it rings to be more and more true. for years it’s felt like you want nothing to do with me. in fact it’s felt like that since the day we broke up. and honestly part of me truly understands why you want that, it was incredibly selfish, the way I acted and the things I did. I deserved every ounce of the pain inflicted on me. i lived it and I still suffer it, and I still carry it everywhere i go. it bleeds into everything i do and everyone i love. the lessons i learned are worthwhile.

some part of me continues to hold on to our connection and can’t let go. I believe that what we had was extremely special and rare. the way we laughed together. the way we played together like children. making forts together, preserving one another’s innocence. practicing together, sleepovers and blanket forts like you were my brother. you reading my poems and admiring my mind. me knowing what you were going to say before you said it. us laughing at jokes we didn’t even have to say out loud because we were both thinking of it. you matching my emotional depth. the depth and mysterious way of your aura complimenting the depth and intellect of me. I miss you so much, it’s incredibly hard to describe. you were the right person at an incredibly wrong time. there is nothing I would not do to have one more day with you. nothing I would not do to have just one more day laughing with you. I can still remember how it sounds. I can still remember how it feels. but i’m scared that one day i’ll forget. I’m starting to forget the sound of your voice and wish I could hear it one more time. I will never forget about you, and I will always be right here. I will always love you deeply, dearly, endlessly. I hope you haven’t forgotten about me. I hope you think good things of me.

[breathless-writings]

I am thankful for my gut feeling. I am thankful for such exquisite freedom.

[breathless-writings]

A Tale of Firsts

October 1st A beautiful and surprisingly lonely girl is trying to recover from the toxicity of a broken boy. She finds herself caught up in the words of different flirtations. One says, "I'm in love with your laugh." Another says, "I'm not used to people who stick around, I hope you change that." Yet another says, "all I know is I love you so much." Charming as it seems, but she is not ready. She is ambivalent but she is strong, and she is not ready to give herself to anybody. She is her own.

November 1st She has changed. She has let go of these flirtations. Her soul is shifting towards the boy who swept her off her feet, he is not any of her original flirtations, he has arrived out of no where, but he is the most beautiful masterpiece she has ever seen. She meets his friends and he takes her breath away and she feels numb at the thought of all the love she can give to him. The smell of his car is nailed into her head and she knows she will never forget these endless midnight drives they take, and that scares her. She knows she has something worth keeping around, and she wants to keep him around for the rest of her life. December 1st Beauty. He has been officially hers for about two weeks, and she is above the clouds. She lost her best friend in the midst of this magical love, but she didn't care because she had the love of her life. He texts her every morning and every night, he becomes her new best friend. She can see an endless summer with all the adventure he promised her, looking at him gives her butterflies. Something this beautiful should never come to an end. She deserves the world and she believes she has finally found it.

January 1st Two days after the first "I love you" he shuts off the lights in her room and takes off her clothes. Deep breaths disappearing into the dark, she is the happiest she has ever been. With every kiss she feels a rush of vulnerability, she wants to give her whole heart to this boy. He wants to be with her, he swears he does. Their two month anniversary is approaching, and she is starting to believe it is actually possible for someone to stick around. February 1st They both know it, but they don't talk about it. The magic has disappeared, he isn't fighting hard enough, the only fighting that happens is over stupid little things that don't matter. She wanted him back, the one that fought for her months before, but he couldn't be that person. She wanted to work it all out, and she believed they could still make it if he could just grow up and put up a fight to keep the beautiful masterpiece they spent months creating. His mind is changing, she is running to him but he is running away from her. They could have been beautiful, but beautiful things are way too often destroyed. March 1st She misses the sound of his laugh, she thinks about him every single day. Three weeks after it rained on a Friday night and he walked away, she is still torn up. His name has become the equivalent of a gunshot, piercing her body at only the sound of it. She feels like she is dreaming, her best friend has slipped away, and there is too much distance between them now to ever rekindle the flame. She wishes she knew how he was doing. He will soon find a new best friend, and so will she. It was beautiful While it lasted. He deletes the memory of her and she struggles to breathe But holds on to the thought that someday she will breathe again For he did not deserve her.

[breathless-writings]

What should you do when the past knocks softly on your shoulder? Should you turn around and greet it, with empathy and nostalgia? Should you tell it to go away kindly? Should you run as fast as you can, until you're positive it cannot reach you again? Two years ago I was fragile and swift. I remember the rush that you used to give me like it was only yesterday. How could I forget? My stomach would churn with butterflies when I saw your name pop up on my phone screen. I loved you until the minute you left, and even months after your departure.

[breathless-writings]

Oh what a numbing and gut wrenching feeling to, after all this time, still feel my insides churning at the thought of you with anybody else.

[breathless-writings]

I started bawling once I came across your blog. It's so beautiful.

This the kinda shit I like 😭 thank u so much

[breathless-writings]

When was the last time I saw your face? When was the last time we made eye contact? When was the last time I sat in a car with you? When was the last time I looked you in the eyes? I didn't know. All I knew was that your careful voice was familiar. Hearing your voice was like looking into a distant light that is faintly seen in the shadows of the night. Hearing your laugh was like getting a cold for the first time in months: a feeling across the whole body that you remember, but there is so much time between this time and the last time you got a cold

[chiquepea]

[fallinyourtidalwaves]

it’s peaceful to not know

[breathless-writings]

Unbelievably relatable

[breathless-writings]

People who make comments about other people's relationships stun me. There is no way you could know anything about someone else's relationship. To make judgments about something you know nothing about is selfish, ruthless, and revolting.

[breathless-writings]

I'm recovering from a pretty devastating breakup, and then I find your blog. It's like a splash of cool water. Thank you for existing~❤️

I was going through the same thing when this blog started to ignite and become so special to me - thank you ❤️

[breathless-writings]

I hope hopeless changes over time.

[breathless-writings]

Just saw your blog and i fall in love with your blog right away. Your posts are so fucking beautiful i wanna hug you oh God thank you

the pleasure is all mine, kind soul. 💖💫

[breathless-writings]

You are more beautiful in the chaos.

[breathless-writings]

You are such a beautiful human being, they say You are so loved and so appreciated By a certain abundance of your precious friends How are you managing to accept that love? Does it go straight through your head, or does it warm your heart? You sure as hell never accepted any of the love I had to offer My love was like a boomerang, I threw it head first, right to you But it never could reach you, could it? It bounced right back every time And instead of admitting that I deserve somebody Who opens themselves up in the way that I do I kept trying to give you my love, darling And this continued until You set me on fire that one deathly night I wanted to move mountains with you, I wanted to color the sky Oh how we could have colored the sky You gave up, "I think I fell in love with you", you say, "But then I fell out of it." I was in love with you, I looked you in the eyes, And knew that that was it. It was over. And now we're friends, right? All I ever wanted was a friendship But you are such a shitty friend. You never give back. I deserve better. You might be a beautiful human being love, You are strong, You are brave, And you have come a long way in becoming the person you want to be. But they do not truly know you, Do they? Do they know how cruel you are? They don't know that I spent my entire summer throwing up when I saw pictures of you, They don't know that I cried every day for three months and you never cried at all, They don't know that you drove a knife into the crevices of my back They do not know you, I do, And you are not an angel. The moon is just the moon when you're sober. I spent so many nights under something more than the light of the moon, Hoping I could dance in it to forget you. I didn't.

what they say isn't always the truth. // September 16th, 2016

[breathless-writings]

Maybe you were fighting for me, But not hard enough. Fighting for me was supposed to be more than text messages and hoping distance could cure the thing destroying us. More than words on a screen. Fighting for me was supposed to be 2am phone calls because you couldn’t breathe knowing I went to bed crying. It was supposed to be kisses in the sunlight, in the moonlight, and everywhere else just to show the world that you were proud to have me. It was supposed to be talks with your best friend saying that you could not imagine a life without me, and her making sure you keep me close. It was supposed to be old but beautiful flowers you picked from a garden you found in the middle of nowhere. It was supposed to be you holding me close every time I was afraid and scared of you slipping away. It was supposed to be you listening to fate and I screaming at you how good I was for you. But every war has a winner, and this one we lost. I know you fought, but maybe if you would have fought harder, maybe we could have won.

no one should have to taste this kind of heartbreak // b.k.