he considers trying to go back to the original plan, to yell at nate until he’s hoarse and then curse him out some more. but with the hug returned, the i’m sorry followed up by some actual sort-of explanation? bucky recognises that plan isn’t going to be retrieved from the window it had gone flying through, and instead settles for hugging the other a second time just as tightly as the first. and if it maybe takes a second to compose himself, make sure he’s not going to do more than get a little misty in the eyes? well, that’s on him.
“ we’ve had this talk, dammit. ”
still, he’s at a point where he’s been strung out too long, and there’s not much energy left to get angry about it just now. guess they’ll have to go over bucky not wanting to leave him on his own to fight later. again.
the invitation to take things inside is accepted with an exhausted nod, bucky hugging nate’s arm to his chest as if the man might try to run off again if he didn’t. maybe not terribly fair, but he’s too shaken to worry about fair right this second, and nate will just have to put up with only having one hand free for awhile.
“ i was really fucking worried. i couldn’t find you, nathan, ” the brunet murmurs anxiously, eyes suddenly widening slightly before he’s pulling out his cell to shoot off a quick text to steve about the change in the situation before sliding the device back into his pocket. “ i mean it, we were looking everywhere, and i didn’t even know for sure if you were in this time. ”
yeah, they have had this talk before. Nate remembers it clearly, and though it’d done a good job of soothing his anxiety at that moment, it didn’t take long for it to crawl up into his chest again and make him doubt himself and them. what he had with Bucky seemed like it was too good and he was undeserving of it, especially when he thinks hard on it. he left his wife, his daughter and his home to stay in this timeline and instead of focusing solely on fixing the future, he’s acting like a bachelor with Bucky. he’s happy with him and he doesn’t deserve that happiness.
“we? guessin’ that includes your Captain friend. i’m sure he wants to punch my face in.” oh, Nate will allow it to happen because he knows Bucky isn’t going to raise his hand against him. even though he can tell he wants to. they both know he has it coming. there’s guilt in his eyes as he stares at the other, not wanting to take his gaze away from him. he still has his key for the run-down apartment he’s staying in. it’s a good thing he’s paid the rent for it so long in advance, or else all of his belongings would be thrown out into the street by now. he doesn’t own much, but still.
“i was here. i found a way to get another charge. on my time device. i hoped i could find where to travel to. when. but i couldn’t. not alone.” he could save himself from this virus with that charge and he knows that, but that’s not what he wants to use it on. he can use it to save the future but he needs more time to figure out how. always more time. never enough of it.
slipping the door open, he shuts it behind the both of them. he slips off his coat, the progression of sharp steel visible now. “you don’t have to forgive me. you shouldn’t. but you-- you didn’t do anything wrong. that’s not why i left. but if i had decided to leave... to travel, i didn’t want you to be there.” he pauses. “because i would have stopped to stay with you.” and that’s something so selfish, so terrible he would never forgive himself for it.
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