my mental health journey
YOU are in control of your mental health. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than you are.
BACKSTORY:
When I was seventeen, I graduated high school and got my first part-time job in retail. I had great parents, very minimal bills and all kinds of chaos to cause; I was pretty normal. However, within that first year of working, I became very ill and the diagnosis was a long, drawn out process that made me first realize what mental illness was. I was given heart burn medication, stool softeners and told many things. After months of stomach pain and nausea, I finally managed to get the doctors to take me seriously when I lost a dangerous amount of weight. An upper GI was given; it was terrifying and disgusting, but I got a diagnosis: stomach ulcers. I was put on medication to rid them and took some time off work and was back to “normal” in six months. What caused these stomach ulcers? Stress, anxiety, depression, things that a brand new adult shouldn’t have to worry about. I was put on anti-depressants, though they just call them “anti-anxiety pills.” They were trying to sugar coat it, but let’s be real: I was suffering from a mild form of depression and anxiety that was over looked due to my age and therefore caused me a lot of pain, suffering and time off work.
Fourteen years later, I’m still on anti-depressants (though they have changed over the years.) As a woman who’s now in my thirties, I feel much more anxiety than ever before. The depression comes and goes and is very seldom, which I’m grateful for, but the anxiety is enormous. I go a mile a minute, I don’t like driving the freeway any more, change is nearly impossible for me to get used to and my OCD is insane. For the most part, it doesn’t affect my everyday life and I manage to keep it under control.
THIS IS ALL FUCKED UP
Exactly 10 years ago today, I got hired at a very well known coffee shop. About five years later, I got a raise, a promotion and another raise. With tips, I was doing well for myself and figured I was in this job for the long haul. Though I only worked at two locations, I had several managers, all pretty great, except the last one. I’m going to call him Steven, as people do know who I’m talking about. Steven is a white male about 60 years old and had been with said company for almost twenty years before locating to my store and becoming my direct boss for the last three years or so I was with the company.
Steven had a lot of young women employed under him and over the years I saw many employees come and go. He was a rather grouchy man, who would often times swear at us, call us liars or talk shit about us to other workers. Being a supervisor, I heard a lot of things that went on from him directly and through peers. For the most part, I ignored him or just defended myself with sarcasm. (Not the best method, but it worked for us.) He was impossible to talk to and you could tell he’s been over his job for years. He also has had a wife for 40 years and has two grown daughters and grandchildren.
After a year or so, we had an incident that changed everything. One of our employees (I’ll call her Sarah), was sitting in our lobby doing homework before her shift. At the time she was seventeen; very bright, polite and I could imagine now a wonderful and successful adult. One of our regulars is a roughly 40 year old Hispanic male who had a reputation of being a bit creepy. Though he would leave the bathrooms in filth and often creepily stared, there was nothing we could really do. Well, on this particular day, he approached Sarah and asked her out. She politely declined, stating that she was only 17. His response: “well you look like the kind of girl who likes older men.” Clearly stunned, Sarah went to tell Steven, to which his response was: “well, you are wearing tight pants today.”
NOT MAKING THIS STUFF UP
There were several witnesses to all of this, myself included. I approached Steven to find out what the hell his problem was and he said “It’s fine” (his favorite words), as well as “he’s not from our country, he doesn’t know what’s normal,” and that she was “off the clock,” so she was just a customer not an employee. So we can assault customers now, but not employees? Can I go to Mexico and do whatever I want because I don’t know better? I’m pretty sure I’d get shot. We all flooded to her defense, but he denied saying anything. After several of us called the district manager (Sue), other managers to try and deal with Steven and even corporate, both men got a “stern talking to” and that was it. The creep kept coming in, everyone kept being uncomfortable and nothing was resolved.
FEELING LESS ABOUT MYSELF
As the morals and integrity of the company kept going down hill, Steven kept getting worse. He doesn’t believe in mental illness; he says it’s an excuse people use to be lazy. The stress was so much, mainly due to his constant verbal and psychological abuse. I was getting sick off and on and doing my best to control it, but I felt like I was spiraling out of control. We couldn’t talk to him because he got defensive and angry and would deny everything. I couldn’t even pin point just one instance after what happened to Sarah, but he was so petty. During the pandemic, we were required temperature checks and one of the girls read 103 degrees. I sent her home immediately and Steven said that she only got warm because she walked to work. Like, what the fuck dude?
This stuff went on for months, until I had a random review with Steven and Sue. When she asked how things were, I tried to be honest and told her I was getting stressed and my mental illness was affecting me and my job. Obviously, I couldn’t tell her the real truth, because for some reason she worshiped Steven. When she asked me if I had considered therapy, I was taken aback, but not quite offended, because I know a lot of people use that option. I do not, nor do I want to. I politely told her that it wasn’t in my best interest and that I take medication. She would not let it go, but insisted on all the different ways I could “cure” my illness, all while Steven acted like he supported me. She literally said “it’s free with our insurance, you should try it.” If you don’t understand mental illness, you wouldn’t think this is a big deal, but I did. I’ve never been gaslighted like that before. The review made me feel worse when I was finished.
TRYING TO SOLVE THIS ON MY OWN
Aside from the initial incident with Sarah, I had yet to call corporate on Steven, as they didn’t seem to care. However, at least five of us employees had called other managers and district managers to find a way to solve these issues. All complaints were met with “that’s just how he is.” Um, no? This man was not fit to run a store, especially one with such high traffic. I’ve had customers complain about his treatment of us, call corporate and so on. I finally did what was my last option (besides a law suit, which many said should have been done ), which was call the number for employees to file a claim when they don’t feel safe or supported. Though I managed to start a claim, I lost all faith in the company when nothing was done. He holds his job and still makes everyone feel like shit. He is manipulative, abusive, a liar and excellent at making people take his side. I’ve never met a human being like him before and I mean that in the worst way possible.
LEAVING THE COMPANY
Now, I could have transferred stores, right? Made this all go away and not worry about Steven, but that was easier said than done. Getting into my position was difficult and there were no openings at other locations. Also, the reputation of his store was not great, so no one wanted us. We were the shit show of the company. I tried transferring, I tried talking to people. I did everything I could before I used up my vacation and took two weeks off to help my mind. He told me that I’d never leave him and that I couldn’t find anything better. I didn’t, but he doesn’t need to know that. After going up to him and quitting on the spot, I didn’t feel better. I felt defeated, knowing I had spent nine years at a company, working my ass off for nothing.
WHERE I AM NOW
I chose mental health over money. I did some delivering before landing a job in retail and taking an almost $4 an hour pay cut. It sucked, barely living paycheck to paycheck. If it weren’t for my mother helping me with groceries and my live in boyfriend helping me with rent and bills, I wouldn’t have made it. Some things were better though. I didn’t come home looking ill or full of break outs. I didn’t take my frustration and anger out on other people. I went to work at a place that not only took mental health seriously, but advocated for it. I worked fifty hour weeks over the holidays to help catch up with money (as much as I could) and felt a lot better, knowing people didn’t find me worthless (or anyone else for that matter.) However, after a ten month stint in retail, I knew it wouldn’t keep the bills paid for long and I start a new job tomorrow making almost as much as I did before. My debt is almost paid off, my boyfriend and I have adopted kittens and have a nice apartment that we love.
I know this is a lot to take in, but it’s been on my mind for quite sometime. I’ve now been away from the toxicity of that job for almost a year and I’m so glad about that. I’m not glad that Steven is still running the place (It’s worse now from what I’ve heard), but I did what I needed to do and still keep in touch. I know several people left after I did and the place is falling apart.
IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT
Every day I wish I didn’t have a mental illness, but I do. It’s not my fault. I’m better than both the jobs I’ve had in the last decade. I’m worth more than minimum wage and I’m worth more than a company not giving a shit, even if they pay me well. The fact that it took me so long to get out of it is astonishing to me, but I’m alive, I’m happy and I’m worth it. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It can be hard to admit and control, but it’s possible. I’m on almost half my life suffering with mental illness and I have a great support team. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Find a support system, put yourself first.
Thanks for reading!