just got done eating an apple

[brennan-round2]

unbreakable heaven....again

[brennan-round2]

burningbridges-writes‌:

“Yeah, I guess I do.” She tried to keep the humor going but there was a hint of more in her voice; That it wasn’t the food item in which the admission was directed to, but the man that she had sat next to while eating it. She rarely ever said the words to him, and when said there was never a joy or tenderness behind them. They had been ugly. They had been a goodbye and if she dared to speak them tonight it would all be the same. They had been on the tip of her tongue throughout their night but she held them back. Yet as he spoke of their love it was harder to ignore how her heart longed to say it. “We never really did fit though, did we?” She brought up the hand that held his and kissed it softly letting his question fall to silence for a moment. “I don’t know,” her eyes fluttered as tears clouded them and she tried to clear them. “Maybe it won’t go anywhere. For a while, it might be just like it is now but over time it will quiet down. At least enough that it allows for something else to be louder.” She wasn’t trying to take away what Brennan felt for her. To make it seem that what he felt was in any way less than what she felt for him. She may have wanted to deny his spoken feelings but she always believed them. This wasn’t her trying to dismiss the depth of the love shared. No, it was her hope for him. For as much as it would break her all over again, she didn’t want him to be stuck in this love with her. She would be jealous, some days she would hate him for it, but in the end she wanted him to find happiness. That was what love was after all, right? What she knew for sure was that it would never quiet down for her. He would be the ringing of her heart always.

“Sorry I didn’t have some waiting for you,” Brennan lost some of his own humor from his voice, picking up a bit on what she meant. Being in Brennan’s shoes throughout this hadn’t been easy, admittedly. It was a lot of reading into things when the girl on the other end was telling him the exact opposite. It was enough to drive a man mad, and honestly, it had driven him there, but somehow in the best of ways too. He shook his head at her words. “Look at tonight. I think we fit just fine.” And he believed the words. He wasn’t going to toss blame around, but to him it was never that they didn’t fit, always Alex didn’t want them to fit. It wasn’t to say they made sense, they didn’t make a lick of it. Like somehow the universe or God had decided to make this one square peg fit into this one round hole. And maybe the fit wasn’t natural, maybe there were gaps... but it fit nonetheless. He wasn’t sure if the tenderness between them made the conversation easier or harder, whatever the case it was necessary. “You don’t know that.” He wasn’t trying to argue, and the words were spoken softly. He didn’t know either. Maybe she were right. And he should have been rooting for that, he supposed. The problem was, as he sat there with her now, he couldn’t imagine another love like this. That even if the sting, the pain, the hurt, the heartache was turned down. Even if he didn’t wake every day longing for Alex March and all she was; he could never imagine anyone else would make him feel half of what she did. That wasn’t something he could ever get over. “I love you so much,” he let out like he couldn’t hold it in, his voice cracking a bit with the words, head nuzzling further into her. He hated himself for just giving into this. Just giving up. But what else could he do?

[brennan-round2]

unbreakable heaven....again

[burningbridges-writes]

brennan-round2‌:

What Brennan said was true. He could feel the love between them. It always struck him how palpable the feeling was. How it wasn’t always a good feeling. How sometimes it felt like it was squeezing at his chest until he wasn’t sure he could breathe anymore. And sometimes it felt like putting air back into his lungs. Plugging some hole he didn’t know was open until he knew what it was like to feel like he did with her. And in that moment, it felt closer to the former. It wasn’t just the love that he felt in the room, he felt between them. It was a sadness. A sadness, again, he was struck by. A sadness he’d never really known, it didn’t just ache, it felt like it was weighing him down and all at once he regretted his words. And yet, he knew he’d regret leaving this night without talking about it. About them, about what she meant to him. “No, I’m not looking for apologies or anyone to take blame,” he shook his head, burying his head further into her neck, eyes closing as he felt them starting to well up. “It wasn’t your fault I didn’t appreciate what we had,” he rejected, flipping his hand to take her’s in his to give it a squeeze. “This is going to sound dumb, but I feel like you’re in me. Like– I don’t know, like I can come up with a thousand and one reasons I love you, but they’ll all just fall so short of what it really is. Because there aren’t words for it. I love you because I love you. Because you’re you, and I’m me and it’s like– it’s like I was made to love you. Like it was never a choice, it just happened, because like I said, you’re in me.”

His words disarmed her, making it impossible to hold back the tears. They slid down and she made no movement to wipe them, wanting to bring no attention to them and taking advantage of the fact that he wasn’t looking at her. Her chest felt so tight and she became more aware of her breathing. She felt like she just wanted to let out a cry. Not just from the sadness but how overwhelmed she felt for the love shared between. A love that she fought against. A love that wasn’t meant to be, yet it was because like he said it was never a choice. How could they get rid of something that was essentially a part of them? It was the only explanation that could make sense to her as why they had what they did. Why despite her reluctance they ended up here, hearts intertwined. “It’s not dumb,” her voice was a bit hoarse. “I’ve always tried to rationalize it. How this happened between us. How a few times in bed and a chili dog led to this,” a bittersweet softened chuckle left her lips at the mention of their first date. “I’ve never been able to understand it or fight it. No matter how much I wanted to, and I always wanted to, but now,” a shaky breath slipped past her lips. “I think you’re right. It’s like what I feel for you wasn’t something that was just created. It was lying their dormant waiting for you.” For once she didn’t let herself argue though maybe it would have been better for him if she did. To say it wasn’t true. Argue again that another would take her place, but Alex didn’t have that strength. She would need that strength later to walk out the door.

[brennan-round2]

It wasn’t like him to just relent like this. Take this ending of them as just that, an ending. Because none of the times before had been that. But then they’d never done this. It’d never been like this and it seemed there was no use fighting it. This, finally, was it. And there was no fighting to be done, and so there was some comfort in knowing the struggle wasn’t a lonely one. That what he felt, he wasn’t alone in. Their love wasn’t something he imagined in his head. It wasn’t something he made to be into something it wasn’t. It was something that burned hot, bright, and loud. And something that he had resigned himself to always burn inside him. “You just love chili dogs that much,” he teased with something of amusement in his own voice. He hated hearing it in her voice, the way the sadness had overtaken her, the way this goodbye was hitting her the same as it was hitting him. There was nothing to be done about it but share in her feelings. He nodded into her neck. “I never thought that’s what love was. I mean-- not that I sat there and thought about it too much. But I just... the way we fell into all of this, I didn’t really think it was possible. It’s like, I’ve always kind of dated the same way, that basic formula of getting to know someone slowly, finding out how you fit into each other’s worlds and love comes with that. It’s like-- it’s like we were just in love and the other parts came after, or you know, not at all.” He wanted to kiss her to shut himself up, but he didn’t want either of them to need to face each other in that moment. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with that. Just with everything I feel for you. Where does it go now?”

[brennan-round2]

unbreakable heaven....again

[burningbridges-writes]

brennan-round2‌:

“People will think you’re weird if you’re running around with your hands down your pants. Trust me,” Brennan gave her a teasingly knowing nod. It was no secret their relationship centered around sex from the beginning, and even as things changed and progressed with them, it always seemed to remain their fail safe. How they communicated when everything else sort of failed in that regard. So it was natural for them to bring it up, natural of course when in many ways that’s what this night was about. But it wasn’t about that. Not really. Or not just that. It was about being together. Being their best version of what they were. “I do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you having your way with me either,” Brennan shrugged. “And we both know you’re tougher than me! You could’ve taken control at any time. Stop putting everything on me,” he argued back, jerking a bit at her touch. “Are you thinking about it right now?” He posed with a look of skepticism. He let out a breath at her question, wondering for himself if he should just shut up.Just enjoy the moment without letting his words put any extra emotions out there for either of them. But that wasn’t Brennan. “I wish we had more nights like this. I wish there were more days or nights I woke up and didn’t worry about what I had to do the next day or where we had to be, I could just focus on you. I wish we took more fucking baths. I wish– it’s unrealistic,” he shrugged knowingly. “But I can feel the way–I can just feel our love and I wish I’d appreciated that more, I guess. Just– I don’t regret you know, anything really. But I just– I wish every day I was pissed at you or the situation that I just– just was fucking thankful to know what loving like this feels like.”

“You say that from experience?” A raised brow featured n her face before settling into a smile. “Who is to say I wasn’t actually having my way by letting you have yours?” She twisted the thought, though admittedly she had given control over to him more than she ever had with everyone else. It wasn’t just a physical turn on, though she would have argued it that way. Really it was that she was comfortable with him in a way that let her ease up on the need to control. She just wished it was enough to let go completely but the scheduled goodbye proved she couldn’t. “Not at this exact moment, but things could change,” she laughed a little but it didn’t last as tensions rose with his words. Resting her head back against his chest, Alex let her eyes close as he spoke at first just taking in the rise and fall of his chest, the sound of his voice so gentle in her ear. Then they stayed close as more of a tactic to stop the tears that warning her of their arrival as she felt the pressure in her head. The sentiments he spoke of offset an ache in her chest for she felt the same way. No response came from her at first and she didn’t know if it was because she didn’t know what to say or that she needed a moment to find the ability to speak as her throat felt strained. “You were always waiting for more and I was always looking for less,” she finally spoke up doing everything she could to not let her voice waiver as the sadness settled all over her, like a weight being tied on every limb. “Maybe neither of us took the time to appreciate what was.” Her hand found his in the water, fingers tracing over it in such a delicate manner. “I didn’t let us,” she admitted the words quiet but heavy, eyes opening but staying forward. He could say whatever he wanted to that but they both knew that was the truth. “I’m sorry,” the apology could barely be heard as she swallowed hard. 

[brennan-round2]

What Brennan said was true. He could feel the love between them. It always struck him how palpable the feeling was. How it wasn’t always a good feeling. How sometimes it felt like it was squeezing at his chest until he wasn’t sure he could breathe anymore. And sometimes it felt like putting air back into his lungs. Plugging some hole he didn’t know was open until he knew what it was like to feel like he did with her. And in that moment, it felt closer to the former. It wasn’t just the love that he felt in the room, he felt between them. It was a sadness. A sadness, again, he was struck by. A sadness he’d never really known, it didn’t just ache, it felt like it was weighing him down and all at once he regretted his words. And yet, he knew he’d regret leaving this night without talking about it. About them, about what she meant to him. “No, I’m not looking for apologies or anyone to take blame,” he shook his head, burying his head further into her neck, eyes closing as he felt them starting to well up. “It wasn’t your fault I didn’t appreciate what we had,” he rejected, flipping his hand to take her’s in his to give it a squeeze. “This is going to sound dumb, but I feel like you’re in me. Like-- I don’t know, like I can come up with a thousand and one reasons I love you, but they’ll all just fall so short of what it really is. Because there aren’t words for it. I love you because I love you. Because you’re you, and I’m me and it’s like-- it’s like I was made to love you. Like it was never a choice, it just happened, because like I said, you’re in me.”

[brennan-round2]

unbreakable heaven....again

[burningbridges-writes]

brennan-round2‌:

Brennan knew the answer that was coming, but he still found himself laughing at her words, shaking his head. “And the worst part is it most likely won’t make you touch yourself in public. See we both have our strengths and out weaknesses,” he shrugged. If he let himself think about it, this would frustrate him. How nice this felt. How easily they were themselves. Nothing but. And yet meshing seamlessly and for some reason he couldn’t begin to understand this was all about to be stripped from them both. So he didn’t let his mind go there, not for long anyways. He focused on her. “It’s not as fun if I just let it happen, you’re supposed to take control. I’m a feminist, I was giving you room to take me over and you didn’t,” he shrugged off again and shook his head at her. “Hey Alex, can I ask how many times you’ve envisioned murdering me?” He asked as if it were a throwaway question, just something he’d been wondering about. The hot water was just the jolt to his system he needed, and her sinking down into him was the added calmness he craved. His head rested on her shoulder, burying into the crook of her neck as his arms wrapped around her. “Am I allowed to say some corny things,” he found himself mumbling out, a soft kiss to her shoulder blade following his words.

That laugh. She wanted to listen to it all night. “Whose to say that I need a man to make that happen?” Alex eyed him. She’d miss those playful moments just as much as the rest. She loved pushing him sexual. Loved that there had been things he had done with only her. In some ways, and though she knew that this wasn’t needed from his point of view, but she felt like she needed the sex to make up for things. That pleasing him enough made up for the things she lacked with him. That she could kiss him for the smiles that she didn’t cause. That she could make his body feel good and bring excitement to him for all the ways she was never simple. Sex became an expression to want to make him happy in a way she never cared to with anyone else. It had always been just a selfish act. “Bullshit,” she called him out. “You love having your way with me,” she dug into his side a bit find amusement in his next question. “Gosh, you think I’ve kept track? Multiple times.” She kept a serious tone to hold on to the little act. Between the warmth of the water and his body against her, her body was completely relaxed. The only uneasiness to be had was the flutter she felt at his words, not sure if she wanted to hear them. “I don’t know,” she answered back quietly, head resting gently to the side against his. “I guess.”

[brennan-round2]

“People will think you’re weird if you’re running around with your hands down your pants. Trust me,” Brennan gave her a teasingly knowing nod. It was no secret their relationship centered around sex from the beginning, and even as things changed and progressed with them, it always seemed to remain their fail safe. How they communicated when everything else sort of failed in that regard. So it was natural for them to bring it up, natural of course when in many ways that’s what this night was about. But it wasn’t about that. Not really. Or not just that. It was about being together. Being their best version of what they were. “I do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you having your way with me either,” Brennan shrugged. “And we both know you’re tougher than me! You could’ve taken control at any time. Stop putting everything on me,” he argued back, jerking a bit at her touch. “Are you thinking about it right now?” He posed with a look of skepticism. He let out a breath at her question, wondering for himself if he should just shut up.Just enjoy the moment without letting his words put any extra emotions out there for either of them. But that wasn’t Brennan. “I wish we had more nights like this. I wish there were more days or nights I woke up and didn’t worry about what I had to do the next day or where we had to be, I could just focus on you. I wish we took more fucking baths. I wish-- it’s unrealistic,” he shrugged knowingly. “But I can feel the way--I can just feel our love and I wish I’d appreciated that more, I guess. Just-- I don’t regret you know, anything really. But I just-- I wish every day I was pissed at you or the situation that I just-- just was fucking thankful to know what loving like this feels like.”

[brennan-round2]

unbreakable heaven....again

[burningbridges-writes]

brennan-round2‌:

“Depends on what brand you get. You see those videos of the robots nowadays? Sure they can make you like a ‘boyfriend noise machine,’” Brennan mused and thought through the details a second too long in his head. If it were just a normal day he’d go on, explaining all the details he was making up in his head and how it’d be a million dollar idea and Alex would roll her eyes and tune him out or just plain call him an idiot. And he would love it. He would love the simplicity. He would live to try and catch a little smirk from her. But today was different, he couldn’t waste time bothering her like that. Time was too precious. He gave way to her ‘force,’ gladly laying back on the bed, eyes roaming up, but finding her’s to rest on with a comfortable smile toying up the corners of his lips right into the kiss. Something of a deep whine left him through his smile when she pulled away. “Oh come on, I was just getting into that,” he teased, but took her hand and got up as she asked. “You just wanna drown me to make this easier– oh,” he cut himself off, giving her a questioning look, wrapping his arm around her shoulders to walk close with her toward the bathroom. “Are you going to ask me to eat you out in the bath then just hold me down there? Not gonna lie, I wouldn’t hate going out like that. Always wanna die doing something you love, right?” He went on, taking it on himself to start the water.

The word boyfriend set off a slight pang in her chest. She had never called him that. Refused to let him be it, but she knew in those six months of just them he had been that. “Maybe, and you know what the greatest thing is about it?” She took a pause, giving him a knowing look. “You can shut it off and shut it up whenever you want.” She loved how even the short walk to the bathroom contact was kept. The warmth of his body as she walked with no clothes, being a comfort. “If you liked it should have let me be in charge more often,” she looked back him. In the bathroom, she let out a breathy laugh at his comment, surveying the bottles provided. She chose the body wash to act as a bubble bath if only to give the water a calming scent. “You know,” she turned to him, bottle in hand. “Out of all the times I have imagined being responsible for your death that was never a scenario. Damn. Should have asked for your input sooner. Never knew I could get even more out of your death,” she smirked before moving over to pour some of the contents of the small bottle into the tub that was filling up. The bath had really been an excuse to stay awake. To make another memory with him and she waited for him to get in before she carefully settled in between his legs, laying her back against his chest with ease.

[brennan-round2]

Brennan knew the answer that was coming, but he still found himself laughing at her words, shaking his head. “And the worst part is it most likely won’t make you touch you in public. See we both have our strengths and out weaknesses,” he shrugged. If he let himself think about it, this would frustrate him. How nice this felt. How easily they were themselves. Nothing but. And yet meshing seamlessly and for some reason he couldn’t begin to understand this was all about to be stripped from them both. So he didn’t let his mind go there, not for long anyways. He focused on her. “It’s not as fun if I just let it happen, you’re supposed to take control. I’m a feminist, I was giving you room to take me over and you didn’t,” he shrugged off again and shook his head at her. “Hey Alex, can I ask how many times you’ve envisioned murdering me?” He asked as if it were a throwaway question, just something he’d been wondering about. The hot water was just the jolt to his system he needed, and her sinking down into him was the added calmness he craved. His head rested on her shoulder, burying into the crook of her neck as his arms wrapped around her. “Am I allowed to say some corny things,” he found himself mumbling out, a soft kiss to her shoulder blade following his words.

[brennan-round2]

unbreakable heaven....again

[burningbridges-writes]

brennan-round2‌:

He almost hated how easy it felt to be like this with her. Almost hated the way he felt like her body was made to fit into his. Almost hated the way no one’s body heat had been able to warm him the way hers did. Because it was all going to be gone from him. And it was time he gave up, it was time for him to just accept that. Try as hard as he might, he couldn’t force her to be okay with any of this. “I bet you wish you could bottle that noise up,” he teased back with a too-sweet smile at her, a light chuckle escaping him. His hands roamed up her back, fingers dancing on her skin with no destination in mind. A mindless wander of the body he’d grown to know so well. “I’m not gonna deny it,” he shrugged, pulling his head back after the kiss just to get a better look at her. “But then you sit here and watch me sleep. Classic crazy girl. I should’ve seen it. Rock your world in bed, then take your skin to wear for themselves. Is that what this whole night is about? Just be honest with me. I won’t put up a fight.” His words were full of amusement, but his head just slunk down to rest on the pillow, eyes lazily moving over her features.

She did wish she could bottle up. She wished she could bottle up every snore for when she woke up feeling so alone. She wished she could bottle up every laugh that she could play over and over again on the days she’d miss him most. She wanted his sweet morning voice to hold onto, and the loud singing he did in the car. In trying to let him go, she just wanted every piece to keep. “I’ll just buy a noise machine. They don’t hog covers.” The way he looked at her just felt deeper. Every smile somehow more loving than the last. She guessed this was what it meant to cherish something. Alex never really knew that feeling before because she didn’t let things matter so much, and yet he mattered in a way she had promised herself never to let someone again. Brennan had defied everything. All her rules. All the reasons they didn’t fit. Everything that was a sure way as to why they’d never feel something for each other, he just blew past. “Damn. You caught on. Here I thought you were dumb enough I wouldn’t have to worry about that. But since you have,” Alex moved, shifting him on his back so she could straddle him, hands clasping his wrists. “Might as well get this over with,” she smiled down at him leaning down for a slow deep kiss. “Take a bath with me,” she got up not waiting for an answer. She stuck a hand out to help pull him up. “I like my victims clean.”

[brennan-round2]

“Depends on what brand you get. You see those videos of the robots nowadays? Sure they can make you like a ‘boyfriend noise machine,’” Brennan mused and thought through the details a second too long in his head. If it were just a normal day he’d go on, explaining all the details he was making up in his head and how it’d be a million dollar idea and Alex would roll her eyes and tune him out or just plain call him an idiot. And he would love it. He would love the simplicity. He would live to try and catch a little smirk from her. But today was different, he couldn’t waste time bothering her like that. Time was too precious. He gave way to her ‘force,’ gladly laying back on the bed, eyes roaming up, but finding her’s to rest on with a comfortable smile toying up the corners of his lips right into the kiss. Something of a deep whine left him through his smile when she pulled away. “Oh come on, I was just getting into that,” he teased, but took her hand and got up as she asked. “You just wanna drown me to make this easier-- oh,” he cut himself off, giving her a questioning look, wrapping his arm around her shoulders to walk close with her toward the bathroom. “Are you going to ask me to eat you out in the bath then just hold me down there? Not gonna lie, I wouldn’t hate going out like that. Always wanna die doing something you love, right?” He went on, taking it on himself to start the water.

[brennan-round2]

unbreakable heaven....again

@burningbridges-writes

He hadn’t meant to fall asleep, and he hadn’t the slightest clue what time it was when he awoke. All he knew was her eyes on him couldn’t have been more bitter sweet. He gave her a smile, because how could he not? Arm already wrapped around her waist pulled her in tighter to him as he leaned in for a kiss. It was simple, sweet, but tender. So often they spoke without words and he wondered if she could understand what he was saying with this one. That his heart was hurting at the prospect of missed moments. That even if he wasn’t sure if it were the middle of the night or morning before dawn, he could feel their time running out. That waking up to her felt like a dream, felt like everything he’d missed in the last few months, felt like everything he wanted and longed for. But the idea of this being the last time put a palpable hurt to his chest. “It’s annoying how good you look all the time,” he teased with another grin. “How long was I out?”

[burningbridges-writes]

Eyes burned with a cry for some rest, but she ignored it. Alex refused to sleep. To let herself lose a single second of him. She watched him, she studied him. If this was their last night she wanted this memory of him at peace with her to hold on to. She knew that this all didn’t make sense. She understood why he questioned it. She questioned herself. Why the heartbreak that would be coming in a couple hours would be any better now than later. Those thoughts scared her, how she was trying to convince herself out of the decision made. She was almost thankful as he stirred, causing those thoughts to fall away as he kissed her, and she slid an arm over his side. A cocky little smirk pulled at her lips with the compliment. “Long enough to make you snore,” she teased. In truth, she never minded the sound. There was something comforting about hearing the low hum when waking up in the middle of the night. “Maybe forty-five minutes,” she shrugged truthfully not knowing. It could have been ten minutes. It could have been a couple hours. She was too scared to look at a clock, her phone even left untouched since she entered the room. “Guess I’m just that good at wearing you out,’ she stole a quick kiss.

[brennan-round2]

He almost hated how easy it felt to be like this with her. Almost hated the way he felt like her body was made to fit into his. Almost hated the way no one’s body heat had been able to warm him the way hers did. Because it was all going to be gone from him. And it was time he gave up, it was time for him to just accept that. Try as hard as he might, he couldn’t force her to be okay with any of this. “I bet you wish you could bottle that noise up,” he teased back with a too-sweet smile at her, a light chuckle escaping him. His hands roamed up her back, fingers dancing on her skin with no destination in mind. A mindless wander of the body he’d grown to know so well. “I’m not gonna deny it,” he shrugged, pulling his head back after the kiss just to get a better look at her. “But then you sit here and watch me sleep. Classic crazy girl. I should’ve seen it. Rock your world in bed, then take your skin to wear for themselves. Is that what this whole night is about? Just be honest with me. I won’t put up a fight.” His words were full of amusement, but his head just slunk down to rest on the pillow, eyes lazily moving over her features.

[brennan-round2]

unbreakable heaven....again

@burningbridges-writes

He hadn’t meant to fall asleep, and he hadn’t the slightest clue what time it was when he awoke. All he knew was her eyes on him couldn’t have been more bitter sweet. He gave her a smile, because how could he not? Arm already wrapped around her waist pulled her in tighter to him as he leaned in for a kiss. It was simple, sweet, but tender. So often they spoke without words and he wondered if she could understand what he was saying with this one. That his heart was hurting at the prospect of missed moments. That even if he wasn’t sure if it were the middle of the night or morning before dawn, he could feel their time running out. That waking up to her felt like a dream, felt like everything he’d missed in the last few months, felt like everything he wanted and longed for. But the idea of this being the last time put a palpable hurt to his chest. “It’s annoying how good you look all the time,” he teased with another grin. “How long was I out?”