Unfurling the crinkled letter in my shaking hands, I wondered how he’d react seeing me cowering in the corner of the courtroom like this. The folded, trembling edges mirrored how I felt at that moment, like I was nothing more than a withered leaf clinging desperately to a decaying branch, afraid to fall; afraid to be carried by the harsh January wind. Hushed whispers and fleeting conversations rushed me from all sides. Tireless, electric lawyers were scattered around ornate silver coffee pots, stony-faced felons awaited their trial alongside frantic mothers…then there was me. I was the lone, frozen victim paralyzed in silence.
I uncapped my plum lipstick and applied it rhythmically, itching for anything to stay occupied. I’d rushed here thirty minutes before sentencing, terrified of seeing him in the hallway straightening his tie, smoothing back his blond hair, or waiting for the quiet ding of the elevator with his lawyer nipping at his heels. Suddenly, I knew how it felt to be a small, cornered fox dodging helplessly between the snapping teeth of two wolves.
A small tap on my shoulder shook me from my fever dream just then, pulling me back into reality. Holly shook my hand, offered up a sad smile, and sat down with her briefcase perched in her lap. “Have you done everything I told you, Bri? Get a good sleep? Eat some breakfast?”
I wanted to answer, but the words were trapped somewhere between the icy pit of my stomach and the coiled snake my esophagus became. Holly squeezed my shoulder gently, and her ginger curls bobbing as she spoke. “Just remember to breathe, hon. You won. You’re alive.”
The wolves, I decided, never left. They now faced the judge’s bench, suddenly in human form. He stood just feet away from my podium, tail tucked and hidden as he stumbled through his yes, your honor’s. While the prosecutor explained the laundry-list of charges and introduced me, I felt the fear slowly dripping from my stomach to my fingertips. Icy adrenaline snaked down my spine in its place.
Ten minutes. Just ten minutes was all I was given to declare the nine hours of my life he stole. The lawyers, judge, and advocates… they never once pronounced or spelled my name right. It rolled off their mouths in tangles without bothering to unravel it. In spite of the conversations erupting around me, I brought my shaking voice from its shriveled whisper, to a cracking waver, then to an unleashed, echoing battle cry. The courtroom, once alive with the energy of the buzzing lawyers, fell to silence in the end. My heels echoed as I walked away from Jason that final time and, after all this time, I finally realized I wasn’t just a trembling little leaf anymore. Now, I left fallen, burning leaves in my wake.