the lonely star

a collection of words that only make sense in my brain

[use-me-less]

[simpleisnewluxury]

[sickpage]

[losinghead-deactivated20130226]

[blogimextremelyexhaustedme-blog]

[clair-audients]

[bricksonashes]

About 7 years ago, my heart froze, and my chest filled with ice

From all the time I spent laying in the snow

Trying to distract from the mess in my head

And nobody would get close to me

Once they saw the icicles dripping from my ribs

I decided to light a fire in my chest

So, I could feel again

And that fire did what it was supposed to do

Melting away all the ice

  But when the fire burnt out, I never filled the hole it left in my chest

I never cleared away the ashes

I never thought to repair my heart

So that it could be warm on its own again

I was just content with the ice being gone

If nobody could see the icicles dripping from my ribs

If I didn’t shiver when I was touched

If nobody could tell there was something wrong

Then nothing would be wrong

And I could be normal

And I think I would have become normal

Had I cleared the ashes

And made a home for my heart

  But this winter when I realized

Those thoughts were coming back

And my body wanted to take up less space  

I started taking cold showers again

Driving with the windows down

And going outside with no coat

Because the cold on my skin always distracts from the daggers in my head

And the rumbling in my empty stomach

  Then one day I woke up with a cold

That wouldn’t go away

And I couldn’t figure out what was causing it

Until I took off my shirt and saw

That I had icicles dripping from my ribs again

And I felt the ice covering my heart

Except this time, instead of thinking of ways to melt the ice, I thought,

“Maybe this is how I was always meant to be”

And I rolled over and went back to sleep

[zirconi-a]

I WISH MY CHEST WEREN’T SO COLD

I WISH I DIDN’T HAVE TO BREAK THE ICICLES OFF MY RIBS JUST TO FEEL SOMETHING

but every once in a while his warm hands around me begin to melt the block of ice around my heart

and I love to feel the water slowly creep down my stomach

but then it pools at my feet

and leaves a mess

and when he leaves again

I have to get soak it all back up again

and I always wish I had just kept the ice in my chest

because it gets even colder when I have to pour the water back in my chest

and refreeze it

[bricksonashes]

AND I WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME 

YOU CAN’T LAY BRICKS ON ASHES

BECAUSE I TRIED TO REBUILD MYSELF

THE WAY I HAD IN THE PAST

BUT THE BRICKS KEPT SLIPPING

AND WOULDN’T HOLD A STRONG FOUNDATION

SO NOW ALL THAT’S LEFT OF ME IS THIS PILE OF ASHES 

UNTIL I FIND A WAY TO CLEAR OUT THE ASHES

TO LAY MY BRICKS 

[tackled]

[haleyincarnate]

[winterfellis]

[bricksonashes]

He makes my heart warm and my entire body feel like air. This is supposed to be a good thing this means that I am human. But I still feel like a monster inside. I still feel like there’s a block of ice in my chest. It’s melting. But it’s still there.

It wont totally melt. Because it knows.

It knows that this feeling will fade. It knows that this won’t last.

And pretty soon my heart will no longer be warm. And my ribs will again drip with icicles.

[bricksonashes]

Sometimes I want to tell everyone to fuck off and leave me alone but sometimes I want to be held but in my head I am always screaming. SCREAMING. For someone to love me. I know that I am unlovable and I have accepted that this is how I am going to spend my days but it would be so sweet to be in the embrace of a loving human with a beating heart. A true beating heart. I would like to know what love feels like what its like to hold the heart of another in your palm and hold it softly as to not crush it while they do the same with yours.

BUT I RIPPED MY OWN HEART FROM MY CHEST YEARS AGO SO THAT NOBODY WOULD CRUSH IT. AND OH HOW I WISH I HADN’T DONE THAT.

[msandorf-deactivated20200309]

[isawatree]

[zirconi-a]