
#extradirty
Peter Solarz
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we're not kids anymore.
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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"

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will byers stan first human second

Kiana Khansmith
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@bricksonashes
About 7 years ago, my heart froze, and my chest filled with ice
From all the time I spent laying in the snow
Trying to distract from the mess in my head
And nobody would get close to me
Once they saw the icicles dripping from my ribs
I decided to light a fire in my chest
So, I could feel again
And that fire did what it was supposed to do
Melting away all the ice
 But when the fire burnt out, I never filled the hole it left in my chest
I never cleared away the ashes
I never thought to repair my heart
So that it could be warm on its own again
I was just content with the ice being gone
If nobody could see the icicles dripping from my ribs
If I didn’t shiver when I was touched
If nobody could tell there was something wrong
Then nothing would be wrong
And I could be normal
And I think I would have become normal
Had I cleared the ashes
And made a home for my heart
 But this winter when I realized
Those thoughts were coming back
And my body wanted to take up less space Â
I started taking cold showers again
Driving with the windows down
And going outside with no coat
Because the cold on my skin always distracts from the daggers in my head
And the rumbling in my empty stomach
 Then one day I woke up with a cold
That wouldn’t go away
And I couldn’t figure out what was causing it
Until I took off my shirt and saw
That I had icicles dripping from my ribs again
And I felt the ice covering my heart
Except this time, instead of thinking of ways to melt the ice, I thought,
“Maybe this is how I was always meant to be”
And I rolled over and went back to sleep
I WISH MY CHEST WEREN’T SO COLD
I WISH I DIDN’T HAVE TO BREAK THE ICICLES OFF MY RIBS JUST TO FEEL SOMETHING
but every once in a while his warm hands around me begin to melt the block of ice around my heart
and I love to feel the water slowly creep down my stomach
but then it pools at my feet
and leaves a mess
and when he leaves again
I have to get soak it all back up again
and I always wish I had just kept the ice in my chest
because it gets even colder when I have to pour the water back in my chest
and refreeze it
AND I WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD MEÂ
YOU CAN’T LAY BRICKS ON ASHES
BECAUSE I TRIED TO REBUILD MYSELF
THE WAY I HAD IN THE PAST
BUT THE BRICKS KEPT SLIPPING
AND WOULDN’T HOLD A STRONG FOUNDATION
SO NOW ALL THAT’S LEFT OF ME IS THIS PILE OF ASHESÂ
UNTIL I FIND A WAY TO CLEAR OUT THE ASHES
TO LAY MY BRICKSÂ
He makes my heart warm and my entire body feel like air. This is supposed to be a good thing this means that I am human. But I still feel like a monster inside. I still feel like there’s a block of ice in my chest. It’s melting. But it’s still there.
It wont totally melt. Because it knows.
It knows that this feeling will fade. It knows that this won’t last.
And pretty soon my heart will no longer be warm. And my ribs will again drip with icicles.
Sometimes I want to tell everyone to fuck off and leave me alone but sometimes I want to be held but in my head I am always screaming. SCREAMING. For someone to love me. I know that I am unlovable and I have accepted that this is how I am going to spend my days but it would be so sweet to be in the embrace of a loving human with a beating heart. A true beating heart. I would like to know what love feels like what its like to hold the heart of another in your palm and hold it softly as to not crush it while they do the same with yours.
BUT I RIPPED MY OWN HEART FROM MY CHEST YEARS AGO SO THAT NOBODY WOULD CRUSH IT. AND OH HOW I WISH I HADN’T DONE THAT.