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I am extremely enjoying Chris’s company. I sincerely feel like he really likes me, a lot. Just by the way he expresses his affection through frequent touching and how he looks into my eyes. It makes me nervous, but also giddy. I surprised him with a visit yesterday since we have some conflicting schedules this past week and for the upcoming weeks. Kind of funny how I started my orientation week, M-F from 8am to 4pm. And he has week ALL weekend F - sun from 7am to 7pm. And the same schedule will happen next week to! Not to mention, when I’m finally off my M-F orientation schedules, hell be doing MY schedule because he’s starting at the same hospital as I am on 9/23. So it’s gonna be a tricky month.

The only way we could see the other was if we went to at least cuddle with the other person one night with the sacrifice of having to wake up as early as the other partner for them to go to work. Chris had came to me twice last week so I did it for him today. I still owe him a trip so I’ll work something out for next week. We try to supplement missing time through snap chatting, phonically or FTing. Which has proven to work out pretty well so far.

But it was just really nice to see him last week. I was super excited to see him. And I got there and he was REALLY excited to see me. He was smiling from ear to ear. Kissing me everywhere. It was really nice. We had some pretty hot sex and when we were done we were cuddling. It was super nice. I really do like him. I don’t know if I’d say love him. I think I do in a special way, but not in a “you’re the love of my life” kind of way. I guess he’s just grown to me. It’s still a strange feeling because I feel very controlled of my emotions. I don’t feel lost. I don’t feel emotional. I feel extremely comfortable and confident. If Chris were to turn around and break up with me tomorrow I’d be upset, yea. But I wouldn’t feel like it was the end of the world. I guess because I don’t picture him ever telling me that he loves me. Only because Chris likes to “run the numbers.” I feel like he’d take those words very seriously which is absolutely fine. I’m not expecting the stars and the moon. I’m just enjoying the crisp of the night.

We usually do check in’s when the other feels like we need it. And a check in is when you feel uncomfortable or concerned or upset about something in the relationship and you want to check in with your partner to discuss it. I told Chris I wanted to check in and he said, “Are you upset because we haven’t been talking lately?” And to be honest, if we haven't been, then I didn’t even notice. I told him I’ve been so preoccupied this past week he’s not on my mind (in the politest way possible). Like when I was unemployed. He said he’s been trying to keep communication open. But I let him know that I’m actually extremely happy with how things are going right now and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. And he told me the same thing.

Things are so great, I can’t emphasize it enough.

He asked me to be his girlfriend!

Chris finally asked me to be his girlfriend (for the second time!) We has just finished having sex and we were laying around. He does a lot of staring into my eyes. And he did. But I quickly interrupted him with a story. After I was done with my story he told me, “remember how we are dating exclusively” and I’m like, “yea...” he said, “would you want to be my girlfriend.” And I immediately said yes and kissed him in the mouth and asked really?! And he laughed and said yes! I asked him why he changed his mind about commitment. And he said we are already like boyfriend and girlfriend. And referring to me got weird. He kept saying friend / girl I date. And he just said saying girlfriend is easier. I’m just so happy because I know this was a big step for him. And I didn’t do anything differently. I think he really does like me. He legit can’t let go of my hand when we are hanging out. Sex is still pretty amazing and passionate! We are both starting our career at the same hospital together (different units). I am super enjoying this. And I sincerely really like him too. I’m nervous as too how long this will last. But for now it’s super good. He told me he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend weeks before but it was the week where we had a fight. And he thought it was bad timing.

So I finally pulled Chris aside and let him know how I felt.

We had spent all day hiking and cliff jumping together. We arrived back to my house around 9ish. He had work in the morning. He had work in the morning but he was still down to cuddle and spend some intimate time together.

We proceed to have shower sex which led to the bedroom and then we were done.

I was really anxious because I knew I couldn’t let it go another day. He was trying to pull me in closer to cuddle and I just had a hard time getting comfortable. I pulled out my note sheet (because I wanted to make sure I said everything I wanted to say and I wanted to make sure I’d say it right).

So I say, “Alright, so we need to talk about something.” His immediate reaction was, “Uh Oh, what did I do wrong?” And he saw my phone screen and sees this wall of text and he’s like, “omg are those your notes?!” And he pulls on my phone and I’m like, “no I need to read these to you!”

So I read him the paragraph I had written on one of my earlier posts. And when I read the last sentence of “I will not accept the answers, ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I'm going with the flow’” He was like, damn, you got me.

I basically asked him to define my role, am I a FWB, “a thing” casually dating or exclusively dating. He was really playful while answering my question. He was caught off guard and showed some hesitancy. We discussed a lot of things. He mentioned how he was really scared of commitment. How we lived one hour away. How his friends were all single. How he’s working. How he plans on moving to Queens and having a “bachelor” lifestyle. And it all sounded like he was going to say he didn’t want to date.

Frustrated

Basically,

Chris and I have been a “thing” lately. And I use the word “thing” very loosely because honestly I don’t even know what we are. Perhaps I’m over thinking certain things because there’s a real underlying issue which is my anxiety of not knowing my role and to be quite honest I was upset because he didn’t hold my hand.

These are all things I wish to talk with him about. It’s just really weird. I don’t like feeling unsure. And I’ve been scared to say things because I’m not ready for the outcome but I’m just prolonging the torture.

I moved my NCLEX date up to Monday. I’m going to see if I can talk with him perhaps after my NCLEX exam just so I don’t have to think about this anymore.

I was thinking of saying something along the line of,

“I took my NCLEX today. I think it went well. Would suck if it didn’t.

So, I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while about something. It’s been a handful of things so I wrote it down. Basically, I know you’re not very good at expressing yourself which in turn has gotten me to withdraw from expressing myself. And I’ve been anxious and quite honestly confused. Two months ago you confessed you had feelings for me over the phone and I told you in response that I did too. You didn't know what you wanted to do in turn of telling me this and neither did I , so I suggested we hang out and figure it out from there. My suspicions are that you’re uncertain of what you want to do next. You don’t verbally express yourself and I’m caught second guessing your actions or thought process. I do want to talk to you about them, but you’re so unpredictable that I sometimes feel as if what I would say will trigger you and you will then make an unexpected decision. In essence, I just want to know where we stand. I enjoy hanging out with you to watch trashy TV shows, cooking meals together, talking about nursing stuff and going out to dance and drink with you. But although in private you’re physically affectionate with me you don’t care to hold my hand in public. I don’t mean to throw this all out on you but its been bothering me for some time. I think it’s unfair how its been one year and we haven’t discussed anything remotely that has to do with our feelings. I know that bringing this up may trigger the end of whatever this is, but I don’t want to keep swimming in the unknown. To this I lead the question, what is my role and what are you thinking. I don't know if we’re continuing a FWB, a “thing”, dating casually or exclusively (not necessarily meaning boyfriend and girlfriend), or you’re just bored. Before you answer this, I will not accept an “I don’t know” or “I’m just going with the flow.”

Things have ended.

Honestly, I’m really bummed about it. I know I’ll get over it quickly though. It would probably be easier if I didn’t have to see him, but in the meantime I’m stuck seeing his face for two more months.

I kind of wish he ended it in May, but I have a strong hunch (since he’s been heading back home frequently) that he probably wanted to talk to a new girl. I can’t be mad, and it almost seems silly to be mad. But I did like the dude, so it just felt like another rejection.

I wish that door never opened, or if we truly kept it FWB to not allow for feelings to get involved.

He was a little awkward, but I still liked certain qualities of his and he made for good company.

It doesn’t mean anyone else would but he will be missed briefly.

Now back to the dating pool for real now. I would like to find someone to get something a little more serious, because I do enjoy human connection without the mystery of wondering “where this is going and what are we doing.”

Just kind of mad I told my mom about him and my family because I truly believed this was going to go somewhere. Just still doesn’t make sense to me how all could change within weeks. And still sort of kicking myself for saying, “I don’t see us lasting” because that could have planted an idea in his brain. But who am I kidding, we really wouldn’t have and that’s what I honestly believed at the time. I was just trying to save myself a heart break but that didn’t work.

Just really hate how guys have this power over me and I can feel shitty once things end. It’s easier when you’re doing the rejection. But it’s okay Amenda. You’ll be fine. Clear your mind. You’ll go back to be your old self in no time.

jaxsonpohlman-blog1

Milky Way in the midst of Yosemite National Park.

americasgreatoutdoors

Whether it’s your first time or your hundredth time, Yosemite National Park’s Tunnel View overlook in California always feeds your heart and imagination. Shortly before sunrise, this image captures yet another awe-inspiring view of Yosemite Valley, with snow peaked mountains and predawn glamour. Photo by Tianyuan Xiao (sharetheexperience.org)

photosofnorwaycom

sight seeing norway by caravanrv Selfie Point nearby Oslo Norway! https://flic.kr/p/QuPKYx

forehsts

California Redwoods

Update: I shot my shot and got rejected.

So I asked Chris the other day if he still likes me the way he liked me the night of December when he asked me to be his girlfriend. And he said yes but got really awkward and then I asked him to be my boyfriend (if he still did like me the way he did two months ago) and he goes: “remember how you said it wasn’t going to last long”? I said yea... He goes, “well I don’t think this is going to last very long.”

And I guess it was like a pang to the stomach. I just felt pretty terrible for ten seconds. And then I pushed through those feelings and said that was okay. But then afterwards I’ve felt kind of shitty about it. And he went home for the weekend so we haven’t cuddled or done anything since that Wednesday. And I can’t help but feel like he’s going to distance himself from me. Which, I guess in retrospective that’s okay, it’s probably for the best. But I didn’t think I’d be that upset over it. Orrrr I could be over thinking it. But I just feel like maybe he’d want to distance himself because it’s too awkward and now there’s a known expiration date to all of this.

Unsure of what to do...

I finally had sex last night after three weeks of being excruciatingly good. Things in Asia got a little hot and heavy with two individuals but I made sure to never cross the line.

Ugh, sex with Chris last night was so good. It wasn’t even long, it lasted maybe five minutes. But we kept teasing each other (because I was on my period and I told him I didn’t want to have sex as it got messy last time and all my sheets got ruined). But of course, we were groping, touching, kissing, moaning, breathing hard and sexy so I couldn’t resist. I am just so immensely attracted to this boy. One look at his glassless face and bare chest and I was ready to hop on his dick. I kept telling him how much I wanted him inside of me and eventually I asked him, “just the tip?”

It’s always a little weird having sex with my period because my pad was still on me and I didn’t want him to see my bloody pad! So I kept telling him to close his eyes when I’d scoot my undies to the side. I rode him and his hard dick was finally inside of me. When I’m on my period it’s kind of hard to feel but I made do with what I had. I was ready to bounce up and down and he was like, “wait, go slow, go slow, go slow” and that’s the most sexiest thing a dude can tell me because he’s just seconds away from cumin if you stroke on his dick a little too fast or hard. So the whole time we were just slowly grinding and “going slow” It was just so amazing to have that much power on his orgasm. He kept telling me I was so tight and of course it’s because we’ve been sexless for three weeks! Eventually he was just about done teasing himself so he asked where do I want him to cum. I threw the question back at him and asked him where does he want to cum because I just wanted to hear him say he’d cum inside of me and of course he says it! “I want to finish inside of you and cum deep inside of your pussy.” those words make my vagina throb! My ex wasn’t much of a dirty talker so I’m loving every word Chris has to say to me. So he goes HAM on my vagina and of course finishes inside of me. Ugh, all this happened in five minutes but I was content with the time. It was a nice teaser. And I don’t even cared if I didn’t finish because it was just really hot and sexy to see how easy it was to make him explode. I can’t wait until my period is over so that I can finally let loose!

#raunchy #sex story #period sex

Without prompting, ask your boyfriend this:

I forgot to record his answers but here’s what I remember!

What is something I always say to you? CAH-rissssss What makes me happy? Food. What makes me sad? Not seeing your nephew. What was I like as a child? How old am I? 24 How tall am I? 5'8″ (wrong) What's my favorite thing to do? Home decorate. What do I do when you are not around? Watch your trash TV shows. (not wrong LOL) If I become famous, what will it be for? What am I good at? Dancing. What am I not good at? What makes you proud of me? Your hard work at school. What is my favorite food? Pasta? What do we do when we are together? Fuck. How are you and I the same? We’re both nursing students. Where is my favorite place to eat? Your grandmas. How old was I when I met you? 23 When is my birthday? June 11 (wrrrronnggg) If I could go anywhere, where would it be? Europe. One of those Nordic countries. Do you think you could live with me forever? How do I annoy you? You don’t really annoy me What is your favorite thing about me? Your laughter.

My FWB caught the “feels” for me.

This is SUCH a relief to know! It seemed that I wasn’t quite sure where he stood with us being only “friends with benefits.” The line between us started to blur, we would cuddle for longer, make each other dinner, hold hands while watching movies.... Which didn’t bother me at all, but it did make me wonder if my FWB liked me back and I was too scared to bring it up to him.

He told me he felt that our FWB starts to cross the line and I thought he was going to tell me he wanted to stop but he told me he wanted ME to be my girlfriend. I nearly FLEW off my chair. All I could say was, “are you fucking joking around.”

I guess it was really hard for me to know if a guy like him (meaning white) could like a girl like me (meaning black hispanic). I always had an insecurity about that, but I really really do like my fwb, but I had to say no. If I’m being honest with myself, my reason for saying no was:

1. I’m not ready for him to meet my family.

2. I don’t know how long this is going to last.

3. I didn’t want to stop being on the singles market.

Number three is a little strange. There’s really no one keeping me from starting a monogamous relationship. It’s just nice to know I have “options” even if I’m not acting on these options. I guess I’m just not ready to be monogamous (even though I haven’t acted out of character since I’ve met my FWB six months ago- I don’t even think I’ve kissed anyone else!) So number three doesn’t make a lot of sense, other than I like the idea that I’m still “single” even though I treat my friendship with Chris as a relationship.

So here’s the other strange thing. I explained that I didn’t want a relationship because I wasn’t sure where this would lead and that “to be honest, the word ‘boyfriend’ scared me. I left it at that, and he seemed to have understand perfectly well. He asked if we could continue what we’re doing and I said, “Yea, I’m totally okay with that as long as he’s comfortable.” So he asked if we could be a “thing” and I said “sure we can be a thing :)” At least that’s what I remember saying, but now I don’t know.

I really do like him, and we act like boyfriend and girlfriend already. He comes over, we watch a movie, he sleeps over, makes me breakfast and kisses me goodbye. It’s really nice. So nice. I guess I’m just a little hesitant to use the word, “boyfriend.”

I remember asking him if he wants me to be his girlfriend because he really likes me or because we’re already doing bf/gf things and he thinks we might as well put a title on it. He said that he really does “fucking like me.” and he said it with a huge smile on his face and I was like, “REALLY?!”

I honestly thought he was in it for lust, because he’s not very verbal about his feelings. Which he said he was, but he eventually “caught the feels.”

Thursday is the last day of class and we’re all going out to party, so drunk me may bring it up the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Who knows where it’ll lead. But I’m really happy with the results, and this long drawn out crush on him is finally out int he open with him revealing he’s just as into me as well.

It’s hard to admit I have a crush on him when I know nothing will come forward from this. But I guess in the meantime I’ll enjoy it as long as he’s faithful to our rule.

I honestly can’t wait to kiss Chris tonight.

Sex with my friends with benefits has been pretty goddamn amazing.

Our last session was really really awesome, for some strange reason I was extra sensitive.

He ate me out and I know he was trying hard to make me cum with oral (which has only ever happened once in my life). I didn’t cum with oral, but he fingered me right after and I came that way. It was so good, I had to take a break, and most times I can keep going.

He then proceeded to fuck me missionary and every fucking stroke had me just about ready to cum. After I did I had to ask him to stop because I needed a break! But it was so fucking good.

After we were done we sort of stared into each others eyes and it was almost romantic. I’m sure it was for like two seconds but it felt like an eternity, and I look away because I get nervous. But Jesus, we’ve been away with our families for the holidays and I’ve been so so horny, I can’t wait to see him and fuck.

Jk, my roommate is coming home.

*sigh*

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